Author's note: I wrote this a while ago. I hope you like it. It has artwork. you can see the artwork here. It was for a big bang you can see the art work at the website in side the fic at. mollyannice. livejournal . c o m tag/kurtofsky%20bang
Part One
Kurt hated his life. So far he has been out of NYADA for two years and no Broadway play would take him. He has heard every excuse in the book; too tall, too short and too fat, too skinny. He has been told that he has too high of a voice and another time his voice wasn't high enough. He's been told that he's too gay for one part and in one memorable audition too straight. He has been making a living since high school ended working as a part time Barista.
But he has Blaine and Rachel. Blaine and him have been together for seven LONG years. Kurt believes they have a good sex life. Once every three months is considered a good sex life right? Okay so Blaine wasn't really been into it and he kind of fell asleep the last time. Kurt might have lost the little sex appeal he has. But hey Blaine did put a lot more effort into his birthday gift this year. He got a Rubik cube key chain and a half a bag of potato chips a week after the fact, the year before nothing so progress. Okay so Blaine wasn't that great at all but since his Dad, Carole and Finn died. Blaine was all he had left and this job at Starbucks.
He was in the middle of making a coffee for a customer when Blaine comes in to visit. "Hey, Kurt you getting near your break," Blaine asked. Kurt already knew something was off. This wasn't normal behavior for his boyfriend as of the last three years of their relationship. The appeal of getting a free coffee from his boyfriend had lost its appeal and it just simply slipped his mind to come visit every once in awhile. Kurt hoped that maybe Blaine is finally putting in a little more effort into their relationship.
"I'll just tell my supervisor," Kurt said, hesitating before trying to thinking optimistically. Wasn't it last week that Blaine was telling him that he was too pessimistic.
Kurt smiled it would be nice to have a somewhat attentive boyfriend for once. Maybe things were slowly getting better. Maybe they will work again as a couple. Maybe Blaine was going to put more effort in. Maybe they will work after all. It wasn't until he sat down, with his free coffee, that he finds out how wrong he is.
"Kurt we need to break up."
Kurt choked on a sip of coffee, "what?" He knew he should have seen this coming but he didn't. Well at least not at his job. Kurt couldn't help himself when he looked around his work place. He still had five and a half more hours to go on his shift. This was the worst time for this.
Blaine just stared at him with his big puppy eyes not realizing his blunder, "we need to break up."
Kurt could only stare at him.
"Look, this has been coming along time and I met someone."
"You met someone," Kurt repeated slowly.
"Two years ago in fact," Blaine confessed, "His name is Sebastian."
"You have been cheating on me with a crab for two years," Kurt said, feeling a mixture of nausea, heartbreak and anger slowly building. He wanted to throw up. He was surprised he hadn't already.
"He is only in town one day every 6 months, so more like four days," Blaine went on, giving more information to Kurt then Kurt though he needed, "and I actually proposed to him. We're getting married in a month from now. It would be at city hall. We" Blaine licked his lips before correcting himself, "I would like you to be there."
"Blaine the only reason I haven't thrown my coffee into your face is that I need my job for food and rent. The apartment we shared. I assume you will be moving out with your crab."
Blaine hissed, "about that Kurt. I think you need to move out."
Kurt stared at his now ex in progress, "You have some fucking nerve. You were the one who cheated and now marrying the guy and expect me to move after we have been together for three quarters of a decade. You are a piece of work."
Blaine winced at Kurt's swearing in the last seven years of dating he has heard Kurt swear only twice. "Kurt with your salary you wouldn't be able to afford the rent of the apartment and then the only callbacks you have had were for parts beneath you."
"What callbacks," Kurt said, shaking in anger. His voice raising, "I have never been told about any callbacks."
"They were just a few background dancing and singing parts," Blaine shrugged off, not realizing the hot water he was in, "It's a good thing I told them you weren't interested. You are too good for those types of jobs."
Kurt finally lost it and threw his semi-hot drink into Blaine's face. "You have not only cheated on me, kicked me out of my apartment but you undermined my career. I just want you to die Blaine. At this moment I just want you to die." Kurt could here is voice getting louder and he knew people were now staring.
"Kurt you are being unreasonable and kind of over emotional."
"I am being over emotional," Kurt yelled, "Get away from me Blaine. Stay away from me. I don't want to see you ever again in my life ever."
"Kurt you are over reacting," Blaine said, "I am going away and later we will talk about this like adults in our apartment."
"Leave," Kurt said. He couldn't believe Blaine wanted him to apologize for Blaine's actions but he felt he shouldn't be as well. He has also apologized in the past for his actions even when he wasn't in the wrong.
"Look Kurt," Blaine said before being hit in the head with Kurt's recyclable cup at Blaine's head.
"Go, Blaine," Kurt said.
"Fine, Kurt," Blaine said, "I am leaving." Kurt just watched his ex-boyfriend leave. Kurt sighed before he turned around to find the district manager for Starbuck watching him. This was the worst day ever. This was when he was pulled aside by his boss and immediately fired for the fight that just happened.
That night he found himself packing his bag to go and live with Rachel Berry. He ended up living on that couch for six weeks going out searching for a job on Broadway, off Broadway and everywhere else.
"I can't believe you and Blaine broke up," Rachel said in the kitchen of her apartment, "I always thought you two were meant to be together forever like Finn and I."
"Well, neither are going to happen, so, I guess you were wrong on both accounts," Kurt said, while reading the newspaper. "And now because of him, I am homeless and jobless. Although I think you and Finn would have been married now if it weren't for… Rachel I'm sorry," Kurt apologized, "I'm taking out my anger on you. I miss Finn too."
'I understand," Rachel said, her body tense and saddened, "your just lashing out at me but you are jobless because you lost your temper." She smiled tightly at him before placing a cup of tea in front of him and sitting beside him. "You are homeless because Blaine is a cheating piece of excrement."
"I am jobless because Blaine believed that my fifteen minute break at work was a perfectly good time to break up with me and then confessed a whole lot of crappy things like ruining my career and cheating on me for two years with a guy named after a crab, so, yes I lost my temper."
"I can't believe he would believe that was a good time to break up with anyone," Rachel muttered, "He's an ass." She noticed Kurt was circling a few jobs that were in the customer service, one job in being a mechanic, an acting job. One job stood out of them all, "Kurt what about this one?"
"Which one?"
"This one," Rachel said, pointing at it hovering above him, "It sounds interesting."
"Lets see," sighed Kurt, before starting to read it, "It says, Fairy Godparent wanted. No job experience needed. All training included. All, living expenses and lifestyle need are paid for. Sign a 2-year contract today. Walk out with your dream come true."
"Wow, that's good," said Rachel, hesitating.
"It sounds like a scam," Kurt said.
"Yep," Rachel said, "Although."
Kurt scolded her, "You can't be serious."
"The address is right there," argued Rachel handing him a cup of tea, "you go in. You talk to the people if it still sounds too good to be true you leave. What's the harm in doing it? Besides you have hit rock bottom at the moment when you are sleeping the night on my couch and jobless."
"Rachel, I haven't hit rock bottom yet," Kurt scoffed.
Rachel stared at him for a moment, "Kurt, you are living on my couch and don't have a job. What would you call rock bottom."
"Me on the street, sleeping in a garbage can, talking to people that don't exist and having to worry about if it rains that night or when my next meal is," Kurt answered, "but until then I am not rock bottom." Kurt took a sip of his tea.
"So, you want to hit the point where you can't turn back, right," Rachel said, "that sounds like a brilliant plan."
Kurt snapped, "Fine. Rachel I'll go in and see tomorrow if they have a job opening. Are you happy?"
"Ecstatic," Rachel said, kissing his forehead, "I would be a good best friend if I didn't point you in the right direction every once in a while. Now good night."
"Rachel, when did you go from being the manipulative bitch that steals everyone solos to this in front of me," Kurt asked.
"I grew up," Rachel said. Before going into her bedroom. Kurt huffed in bitter laughter. Life certainly threw them both curve balls they didn't see coming in high school.
The next day, Kurt headed to the address. When he entered the grey building. On the build is black and white sign that said Happy Endings. The inside was grey walls, a grey floor, a white ceiling and there was a man standing at a desk typing. The man stood up and smiled at him, "Oh hi, what can I do for you?"
"I am here to ask about the job and make an appointment for an interview if plausible," Kurt told the man.
"Of course, we could do it right now if you want," the man said, "My name is Will Schuester and I am the head fairy if you will and you are?"
"I'm Kurt Hummel," Kurt said, shaking Will's hand.
"Well, Kurt, what would you like to know about the job?"
"Well, I would like to know about the premium's and what exactly you do here," Kurt asked.
"We make fairy tales and dreams come true," Mr. Schuester said, "the wage for one year is forty thousand dollars and you work for us for two years. We pay for your living expenses, food, etc. for when you work for us."
"I'm sorry how do you do that?"
"Well you make the fairy tales, which are made into books and sold to the mass media, causing profit and us to keep going," Will explained, "It's a lot easier to understand by working for us though."
"I am not to sure," Kurt said, "wait you would just give me the job. You don't know my credentials."
"Do you have a sense of imagination," Will asked.
"I believe so," Kurt said.
"Do you like Robert Frost's A Road Not Taken," Will asked.
"It's an okay poem," Kurt answered, "not my favorite." It was one of those poems that were over popular.
It was then that the door opened, "Hey Penis, We're back from forced vacation. Hey Newbie."
"Hey, there Mr. S, anything new happening or was it too quiet since my girl and I went on leave."
"Elaine for the last time. My name is not Penis. And two yes it has been quiet," Will said. Kurt stared at the black man and a brown woman who came in. The woman had to be shorter by five feet tall, he estimated between 4'9" to 4'11". She was wearing a pair of jean's, a black t-shirt and a pair of lime green heels with a bright purple handbag. The man was wearing a football Jersey over a pair of jeans and sneakers. With them was two suit cases. He was about six feet tall.
"Your name is William, Willie is short for William, A Willie is a penis ergo the nickname Penis is perfect," Elaine said, "and Az here would agree with me. Right dear?"
Kurt coughed. He noticed the three seemed to forget his
"Excuse me," Kurt said, "I believe that I have come at the wrong time. I can see you are busy. I'll just come back."
The woman turned and looked at him, "Hey you should stay, Bro. This place is amazing. The people are flawless and it's a place of healing. I found my happiness here and shit. You can too."
"I don't know," Kurt said.
"Look bro, this place is not a cult. We don't have to follow some weird ass rules that say what we can or cannot do. We live 9-5 jobs around here," Elaine said, "If it weren't for this job I wouldn't have met the love of my life standing right beside me."
"Damn straight, I'm the love of your life," the man said, "My name is Azimio and this is my beautiful wife Elaine. The only reason you need to live here two years is because this place has shit that is area 51 weird and hard to get their by normal transit. It has its fucked up reasons but you get real world."
"I'm Kurt and I am not to sure," Kurt hesitated saying.
"Look it's not a cult," Elaine said, "Trust me on this."
"Why should I trust you on this?"
"Elle, you can't answer that," Azimio told her
Elaine bit her lip before answering with, "I personally believe that Will has a tiny penis and he kind of looks like a guy who would buy a white van so that he can pick up a little kid to play find the snake in his pants."
Everyone gaped at her.
"I cannot believe that came out of your mouth," Azimio told her chuckling, "now that's my girl. Always putting her foot in her mouth."
"Hey he wanted proof this isn't a cult," Elaine shrugged casually, "Cults members don't insult their leaders. Will is our leader that no one really likes and none of us have the charisma to hold a large crowd of people or are dangerous and crazy."
"Quinn," coughed Azimio.
"Okay, if Quinn went crazy, she would have done so in high school, Az. She would have gone all Prom Queen has a Gun on that school," Elaine told him, "Oh but don't worry Kurt she is completely sane. If she didn't do it in high school she wouldn't do it now when her life is the bomb."
"I am not a pedophile," Will yelped, "and I can't believe that you would make light of monsters and their victims like that."
"Schue, I'm not making light of pedophiles," Elaine said. Her presence became monotonous, "I am actually fucking terrified in leaving you in a room full of kids because of how fucking creepy I think you are. You are one of the most disgusting little men I have ever met in my life."
"Well as interesting as hearing about your crazy co-worker is I will be on my way," Kurt said standing up.
"No, don't please stay," said Elaine, "you won't regret staying."
"Why do you keep saying that?"
"Answer this have you ever lived once in your life: Got into a car with a stranger, hitchhiked, bungee jumped, tried to live your dream of being a model? If not this is the place for you. This is the stranger in a car."
"Broadway and NYADA," Kurt answered, "My dream. The thing I went for NYADA once, I didn't make it, I went for a second try, and I got in. I never made it on Broadway though. My boyfriend wouldn't even tell me of callbacks on our home phone. One of the reasons we broke up to be honest. At the moment I am sleeping on the couch of an old friend."
"Well, fuck him," Elaine said, "This is a second chance at life Kurt. Take it."
Kurt nodded before sitting down, "What do I need to sign to join up?"
He tried ignoring the fact that both Elaine and Azimio gave each other a high five in the corner. He finally realized at this moment that he did hit rock bottom if that sale pitch worked.
"You can start tomorrow," Will said, "or today if you prefer. Azimio and Elaine could help you pack and move." Will and Kurt ignored the couple moan behind them.
"I'd start today. My stuff will take only an hour to move."
"Well, princess we'll get you moved into some pretty new quarter in F.W. soon enough," Azimio said, chuckling.
"Thank you," Kurt said rolling his eyes, "and your job descriptions are if you don't mind me asking?"
"Well, I am a monster maker," Azimio said, proud of his jobs. He can make some scary bitches, "my evil slut over here is a godmother."
"Did you just call your wife a 'evil slut'," Kurt asked.
"Damn straight I am an evil slut and damn proud of it too," Elaine gloated, "and he is my very strong and manly cock provider. I don't know what I would do with out him."
"So where to lady," Azimio asked.
"Can you please not call me lady," Kurt asked the bigger man. Rachel was not going to be pleased with these two.