A/N: I wrote this story over a year ago, Truth be told I wrote this in hopes to break my writers block on 'Demon' and then later 'Bitter Cold' (which is being re-edited right now).
A few things about this story: It's more of an introspective piece... I guess you could call it... A lot of 1st/2nd person writing.
This story is a little angsty... For me at least, but that was the mood I was in... Well enjoy it, or hate it, it doesn't matter which, but please review it.
"Even in pain you can sleep. But if you inflict pain, you can never sleep." -FMA
You were gone...
I didn't believe it at first, but when I threw open your shoji my fears were confirmed. The note that you had left fluttered to the ground as I dropped to my knees.
I refused the accept the words they contained, I refused the truth set in that smudged black ink, and I hate myself for it. I knew that I was the one who drove you off. I knew that this was all my doing. I knew I shouldn't have said anything to you that night, but I was so afraid that I would lose you if I didn't. You were pulling away from me, running from me even as you held my hand.
I didn't realize it at that moment but when I saw that your room was empty I blacked out. I guess I couldn't handle it. After all I am just the weak tanuki-chan aren't I? When I opened my eyes again I could feel the cold wood floor beneath me, it smelled like varnish, not an altogether good smell, but at that moment it reminded me of you, funny how everything had that effect on me.
I crawled into your room and put my head down and clung to your folded futon mattress inhaling the ginger and soapsuds smell that always followed you. I closed my eyes trying to compose what little sanity I still hung on to. I will have to tell them you know, I will have to tell them again. I can't let the sorrow and anger in my heart show, I have to be stronger this time. I can't crumble to pieces anymore because of your absence.
0-0-0
Here they come, I can hear the bickering as they saunter down the hall, I try to stand on my own feet, funny I can't seem to feel them, I can't seem to feel anything, I feel as if there was something holding me down, but then I think about it and I don't feel anything at all. It's as if I were...
Numb.
Yes. That's the word, numb, not only my body but my heart as well. My soul was in shock. I couldn't stop staring at your neatly placed pillow; my mind fascinated at how precise the corners set so symmetrically perfect with the folded mattress. That was how they found me when they entered your room. I couldn't quite make out what exactly they were saying but I am pretty sure they included words like 'where,' and 'why.' When they just stared at me waiting for some response it was then that I realized that my voice was numb as well.
"Gone." Was the only word I could say, at first I wasn't even sure if it was I who said it, that voice was hollow, but it had to be mine I could feel my jaw move as that word snaked past my lips.
I realized then that Sano had picked me up and was shaking me, trying to bring me out of my stupor. It worked, I guess.
"I'm alright," I whispered, but my inability to look them in the eye, and shaking hands revealed my lie. Yahiko looked so upset. I reached out to him and settled my hand on his shoulder. He forced himself to look at me; I cringed at what I saw in his eyes.
"Don't hate him," I tried my best to use a commanding tone, but he looked at me incredulously. I smiled, "He will come back when the time is right," that is what you said in the letter, but we both know that is a lie, but at least it gives them something to believe in, doesn't it?
"How do you know?" His question shot a needle through my spine. But I smiled again and answered him nonetheless.
"Because I am waiting."
It's true, I am waiting, I will always wait for you, even though it is a fruitless task. I will wait because even through your fear and inhibition, even though you left, you told me the truth. Just like I had to you, you can't erase that like you can your physical presence here. No, that is something we both know can't happen, and that is why I will wait.
"Feh," That little word broke through my thoughts. I looked up at the tori-atama that uttered it. "Jou-chan, you have way too much faith in that idiot."
I laughed, it was forced yes, but still, I was able to do it. "Maybe I do."
0-0-0
All I wanted to do was be alone, I tried to explain to them that it would be okay. I would be fine.
"I'm a big girl." I tried to convince them. The tears in my eyes could have told them differently.
I told Yahiko to stay with Sano; I just couldn't handle having them coddle me. At the time I didn't realize how glad I was to make them leave. I was glad that they never had to interfere with what happened next.
0-0-0
It was dark in the dojo, and I stood there staring at the names on the wall. They were my legacy, the ones who would carry on my father's gift, it made me so proud. Sure there may only be two names on the wall but as someone once said it's quality and not quantity that matters. I was staring at the wall when I heard a noise behind me. I thought it was Yahiko coming back, wanting to stay at the dojo.
Was I ever wrong.
"Kamiya Kaoru?"
It's never a good thing when a mysterious masculine voice addresses you by your full name in the middle of the night. And frankly it wasn't the best night to be doing so either!
"Who wants to know?" Not that I really cared, but that was the best response I could think of while grabbing a bokken.
"Your life will be mine." The masculine voice said dramatically.
Now that was a little much.
I couldn't help but feel the twinge of anger in the pit of my stomach. "Really?" I retorted the anger apparent in my eyes. "And here I thought that you were here to sell me something, let me guess, you want to kill me so you can get revenge on Battousai?" That routine had gotten old after the first time it had happened.
"How'd you guess?" whether the man was being sarcastic or just stupid I didn't much care.
"Old news, can't you people get more creative, by... I don't know actually going after him face to face?" Sure I was angry, and yeah, it made me a little haughty, but can you blame me? "Besides what you do to me will have no effect on him, he has moved on. His presence no longer exists in this place."
"That, my little dear, is where you are sadly mistaken," the sound of sword scraping against its scabbard could be heard from where the man stood. "You see, I am not only going to kill you, but I will sever that pretty little head of yours and give it to him. Now you tell me how does that sound?"
"Like you're one sick bastard." My grip on my bokken tightened, I had no clue how strong this man was, but I had a feeling that I would have to use more than my normal tactics against this man.
"Why thank you, now let's get this over with, I am an impatient man and I still have to track down Battousai and deliver his present." The man looked at my neck with eyes lusting for blood. It was enough to make my stomach curdle.
This man was not going to stop until he got what he wanted... I didn't know if I could beat him. This man was more than just cocky. I could see that he was very capable of carrying out his words.
I won't let that happen, I will not be your downfall anymore! I refuse!
In the flurry of my thoughts I got carried away and advanced on the man in front of me. I Guess my common since went out the window while I was thinking of you. I hate that, I hate how you can make me do that, you know what I hate more? That even now, when I am fighting against a crazed lunatic all I am to you is just a weakness.
The force of my bokken connecting with his sword shook through my body, this man was strong. I could tell he wasn't even trying, but neither was I.
I was lucky enough that my bokken didn't shatter when it clashed with his blade the first time. We exchanged a few more blows, me on the defense It always seems to give me the best vantage point. It's something my father taught me: Make them think they're winning and then POW! Right when they least expect it. That's what my plan was.
Then I made a stupid mistake... I left my side open, and he saw it. The burning pain near my ribs was a reminder of that. Kami it hurt! I could feel the blood ooze out of the gash, but it was only a flesh wound, I've felt worse pains then this.
"You are a weak woman!" this man said seemingly amused.
"And you are an ugly man. Let's get down to business." I growled pushing forward tagging the man's shoulder.
I guess I used more force than I thought because he flew a few feet and landed on his bottom with an 'ompf' He didn't wait to retaliate. Hardly a second after he stood to his feet he charged again, barely slicing my shoulder as I tried to get out of his way. This was becoming ridiculous! I glanced at my feet noting that the dojo floor was covered in blood. Poor Yahiko won't be happy when he has to clean this up. I was getting tired... I knew I wouldn't be mopping anything for a while.
"I admit you are better than what I thought you would be, but time to play is up."
"Right," we squared off again and he lunged forward I used my bokken to block the attack that would have surely killed me. This time my trusty wooden sword could not withstand the impact. Its demise however cushioned the blow that fell once again on my shoulder. I hate to admit it but the physical pain had never made me feel so alive.
"Soon Kamiya, you will die."
I didn't answer him I just glared my gaze darting to the bokken rack behind him, if I waited for the right opening I could make it...
NOW!
I don't think I had ever run that fast in my life. Skidding to a stop I grabbed a new bokken just in time to counter my assailants strike.
I had to end it, and soon. I readied myself, this strike would be my last, in one way or another. We charged at the same time, I was able to dodge his attack, using the momentum I jumped into the air and putting all of my power into the strike as it connected.
The next thing I knew there was a sickening crack and a thud as my attacker fell face forward on the ground. My hand holding my bokken was shaking, that sound... it sounded like his neck had... My breath became short and ragged I did not get away unscathed as I felt hot blood pouring from my stomach. But that was nothing, why isn't he getting up? Is he even breathing?
My feet moved on their own accord towards the immobile figure on the ground. My hand went to his jugular vain in hopes to find it pulsating. Nothing.
He was dead.
I didn't believe it at first, but in checking his pulse again, this time on his wrist, the realization was more than sickening. Dropping the wooden weapon from my other hand I backed away from the stagnant figure on the ground. My feet carried me until my back was flush against the wall. Was I afraid? In a single second I had just gone against every thing I was ever taught... I just... I... My stomach churned, and I lost all of the contents that had once resided there.
What have I done?
Why isn't he moving? This is a dream! I am going to wake up any second now just you wait!
But I never woke up... All I could do was stare at the prone figure as the blood soaking my gi started to dry. The pain of my wounds started to become numb.
Numb.
That is what I am now, I was numb. I held no remorse for the man that lay dead in my dojo. I regretted one thing, that I failed my father. I failed Kamiya Kasshin-Ryu, and I failed Katsujin-ken. But even the regret I felt did not concern me. Maybe somewhere deep inside it did, but right now I couldn't feel any of it.
I just stared unattached and alone. Maybe that was what I had feared, not that I lost you that morning, but that you had left me to face everything alone.
I was alone.
And that is how I am going to die now to isn't it? I am sorry that I couldn't say this in person. I'm sorry that I failed you. That's really why you left isn't it? I am a failure. I couldn't even prove to you that Katsujin-ken could exist in the real world. I couldn't even protect myself properly. I'm sorry.
I am sorry I could not say it to your face... But I will say it anyway.
Sayonara.
0-0-0
He had barely made it outside of the city before he realized what a fool he was. How could he run away from what he had? From what she had offered? How could he leave the one person he cared about to face the world alone? Albeit she wasn't completely alone, but he knew that they both did not see it that way.
"I'm Home," But the words didn't make it past his lips, something was wrong here. The dojo was quiet when he entered it.
The silence that fell upon the dojo disturbed him, there should at least be the sound of the wind chime, or even a sign that she had heard him come through the door.
Quickening his pace he went to her room.
Nothing.
His room.
Still nothing.
Walking out he looked across the yard to the training hall. Something was wrong, he could feel it in his bones. Something had happened here. Before he opened the shoji he could smell the blood. Fear clamped a hold of his heart as he threw the screen open. The sight that greeted him made his blood boil. In the middle of the room was the dead body of a relatively large man, he had no cuts but the position of his neck told the rurouni that it had been snapped cleanly. His death had been instant.
The red-head's eyes traveled from the lifeless figure and stopped at the person propped against the dojo wall. Her name escaped his lips as he moved forward to her.
She was cold, but she was not dead. She had lost so much blood, but the only serious injury she received was that of the one that stretched across her stomach, but that would be easily remedied with some stitches and clean bandages.
How had this happened?
0-0-0
It was cold here, I didn't know that the afterlife felt like this. The pain it almost burned, and I kept hearing my name over and over again. Why do I keep hearing my name? Why was I so numb when I was alive but now that I am dead all of the pain I feel has to be amplified? I want to cry but no tears will come to my eyes, I guess the afterlife has no room for tears.
...It hurts...
All of it, the cuts the bruises that feeling... what is it?
It flowed from the recesses of my body, why is it that it hurts the most? I want to scream, I want to call out... but to what? Even if I do call out it won't matter, I am alone. Even here in the afterlife I am only surrounded by the darkness, that is all there is here, cold blackness. It's suffocating, I feel so cold.
The pain stemming from that feeling keeps getting worse, please stop... I don't like it, not at all. I don't understand! What is wrong with me? What-
Everything I had ever blocked out of my mind, the pain in my heart I tried to hide so secretively burst. I guess it makes sense, there is no hiding here.
But why does it hurt so much?
I don't understand.
I feel so alone... I need you. That's right, I need you! I'm lost, and I just don't understand any more. Help me.
Kenshin.
'Kaoru-dono...'
Eh?
I didn't think that would actually work.
Kenshin help me...
'I'm right here.'
I felt something warm spread throughout my body the source of the heat extended from my right hand. The darkness around me dissolved and in that moment I was even more aware of everything in and around my body, was that stitches I felt?
But I'm dead... how can this be? How can I feel stitches. It was dark, I still had my eyes closed, the idea made me close them tighter.
I don't want to be here.
Call me a coward but I already gave up, I was ready to let go. I don't want to be here.
"Kaoru-dono..."
That worried voice I would know it anywhere, it made part of me relax, but the other parts tensed up completely.
"Kenshin." His name escaped before I could stop it. And my eyes in complete disbelief of my ears decided to confirm for themselves that the weight beside me was truly that of the rurouni.
I couldn't focus, I could only see a blob of red, after blinking a few times however I noticed that worry ridden eyes watched my every breath.
"I'm okay," I whispered meekly trying to raise my head, but the inability to do so gave me away.
"Kaoru..."
"Kenshin," I whispered stopping him from whatever he was about to say. "Are you really here?"
I felt his hand run along my cheek before he took my hand again holding it to his own marred cheek. "Yes I am." Were those tears that moistened his skin?
After a long few minuets of silence I finally broke it, "I'm sorry." I was slowly getting control over my body again and was able to lift myself up into a sitting position (much to his protest).
"There is nothing to apologize for, if anything I should..."
"Don't you dare apologize!" I snapped at him heaving from the strain yelling took on my body.
"I failed you." He whispered, but the words cut through me like a knife. "The one moment you needed me the most and I abandoned you."
Anger, it flooded into my veins and I pounded my fist on my futon, "Damn it!" The exclamation seemed to take him by surprise. "I am tired of this! I am tired of you taking the blame for things you can't foresee. You are not a god. Don't you start taking the responsibility of one."
"Kaoru-"
"You will let me finish." I said sternly. "I am to blame for that man attacking me, I killed him and I will take the burden for it, not you. Yes you left, but you left with your own intentions which at the time you probably reasoned as good ones. You did not fail me, so do not apologize for something you did not do."
"But I swore that I would protect you! And because I failed in doing that a man is dead."
"Didn't I say that you would not be blaming yourself for that?" I said in a reasonably stable voice. "You are wrong though, you did protect me."
"Oro?"
"If it weren't for you I would have given up on living, it's because I..." I stopped, it was hard to say it again, but it needed to be said. "Something in me wouldn't let go of this world no matter how hard I tried. Kenshin, Its because I love you so damned much that I'm here right now."
"Kaoru-dono..." He tried to interrupt but I refused to let him.
"I know that I'm nothing but a weakness, that I am a burden to you. You probably think that I am some kind of responsibility. I know you said 'I love you' that night, but I have wondered if it was just satiate what you thought I needed to hear." It was hard to speak so candidly but I had to say it. "All I ask Kenshin, is not that you love me. But that you are okay that I love you."
My stomach dropped when he did not respond at first. I will not lie to you, I was terrified. "Of course you can love me." His voice shook in that deep timber that I hadn't heard in a long time. "But only if you allow me to love you in return."
FIN
A/N: I know I'm a lil' rusty at writing a fanfic it's almost been over a year! I had no idea how much school would take over my life these last few terms. I'm hoping that this is the first of a new writing streak for me, because I have quite a few stories in the work. And my writing style has improved since I wrote this and my other stories.