I ran into the emergency room, my feet seemed to move faster then my mind. Terror gripped my entire body, making me feel rigid and frozen. I kept making little gasping sounds as I tried to catch my breath. I stopped dead in my tracks, not sure of where to go now. My palms were sweating profusely, and I was so dizzy I had to grab on to a nearby chair for support.
I then spotted Bullfrog who was sitting in a chair, his eyes red from crying. He looked up, noticing me too and got up slowly. He walked towards me, looking completely tired.
"Clare," he sighed. "He's okay. He's conscious."
I gasped audibly, my tenseness easing up a bit. I could feel tears coming, and I didn't try to blink them back. They raced down my cheeks as a feeling of blissful relief overcame my fear.
Bullfrog pulled me into his arms. He was so huge that my head stopped at the bottom of his ribs. I cried into his gray t-shirt, probably staining it with the layers of eye makeup Alli had applied hours earlier. Bullfrog just held me tighter.
He whispered soothing words like "It's okay now Clare" and "Everything will be alright." Bullfrog felt like a father to me at that moment.
"Can I see him?" I asked, my whole body feeling raw.
Bullfrog sighed. "Cece is with him right now. He's only aloud to have one visitor at a time since he is still in the emergency care. As soon as she comes back you can go see him."
I nodded. Bullfrog grabbed a box of tissues off a nearby table and handed them to me. I thanked him with a nod and took one out of the box, wiping the streaks of makeup off my face and blowing my nose. He then led me over to where he was just sitting and I sat down next to him.
I didn't know what to think or how to act at this point. Part of me felt incredibly relieved at this point. Two hours ago I had a painful conversation with Eli over the phone. He called me at the dance and I had to go outside to be able to hear him over the loud music. Since we were on a break, he hadn't come to the dance with me. He kept saying crazy things, which scared me. But then he started getting angry, intensely angry. The call ended with him saying something I couldn't understand and then a loud screeching noise. I didn't know what to it was, I wasn't even aware he was driving when he called me. I got freaked out and demanded he answer me, even though I knew he hung up. I got frustrated and went back to the dance, trying my best to believe he had just got mad at me and hung up. About 45 minutes later Adam called me, he was absolutely hysterical and was saying that he was late getting to the dance and that he and Drew saw Morty on the side of the road, completely totaled and he saw Eli being loaded into the back of an ambulance. I ran straight from the dance to the hospital a few blocks away, practically having a panic attack the entire way here.
Now, part of me felt guilty. I should have known. I should have known! I knew this was going to be a hard day for him, it was April 22nd – the anniversary of Julia's passing. I should have been there for him; I should have forgotten about our break and just been with him today. I felt selfish. So incredibly selfish. I knew he was starting to lose it. I knew.
And now he's hurt, because of me. He is somewhere in this hospital in more pain, physically and emotionally then I could even imagine.
I glanced over at Bullfrog who was sitting with his chin on his hands. I put Eli and his family through this. I felt another wave of guilt crash over me.
Bullfrog glanced up and I looked to see what he was looking at. Cece was slowly walking towards us, her blonde hair a mess, mascara and eyeliner smudged under her eyes. She had obviously been crying too. She saw me and nodded.
"Clare you can go." Bullfrog said slowly.
Cece nodded. "He's in room 142, honey."
I slowly got to my feet, my legs feeling like Jell-O. Cece gave me a quick hug before she sat down in the seat I was just sitting in. Bullfrog pulled her into his arms and she burst into tears.
"How did we ever let him get like this?" I heard Cece say as I walked away. My heart felt heavy as I walked down the hospital corridor, looking at the room numbers.
It didn't take long to get to room 142. I stood outside the closed door for what seemed like several minutes. A nurse even said 'excuse me' as she walked into the room past me. I stepped back into the hall.
The nurse came back out a few minutes later, smiling sadly at me as she walked down the corridor. I finally got the nerve to grab the doorknob.
I turned it slowly and stepped inside, keeping my eyes on the fake-marble tiled floor. I turned back around and closed the door behind me, trying to stall. The room was strangely quiet; other then the rhythmic beeping of what I imagined was a heart monitor. I slowly turned back around.
My heart sank. Eli was sitting upright, but I had never seen anyone look more broken before in my entire life. The guy that I had always thought was so strong had never looked so weak.
I burst into tears, again. I bit down on my lip so hard to try to stop crying that it started bleeding. Eli started crying too. I slowly walked over to him and collapsed on to my knees on the side of his bed.
"Clare," he whispered. "Clare."
I slowly calmed down, the tears stopped and I looked up at him. He had a bandage wrapped around his entire head, cuts all over his face, a brace around his neck; both of his arms in casts and his right leg had a cast and was suspended by a cloth band in the air. His face was tight, his lips pressed together in a tight line, obviously because he was in pain.
I just shook my head and looked away from him. I felt his fingers softly touch my head and I reached up and gently grabbed a hold of them.
"Clare, look at me." he said louder, but his voice was very hoarse and weak. I timidly looked up, afraid to look in his eyes.
"Look at me." he repeated. I moved my gaze to his eyes. His eyes were bloodshot and gray, instead of their normal green. It was hard to look at him.
I bit my lip and slowly got to my feet, embarrassed to have collapsed like that. He watched me intently, I was still holding on to his fingers.
"What did you do?" I asked, even though I already knew.
"I crashed Morty." he said quickly.
I let out a shaky breath.
"You could have died." I said, my voice thick with emotion.
"It was worth it," he said back, quickly again. "You came."
I stared at him in shock. He just blinked and looked back at me innocently.
"You did that… you did that… for… for…" My voice trailed off. I was at a loss for words. I let go of his fingers and stepped back in shock.
"Clare, I'm sorry." he said.
"You could have died!" I repeated my voice rising. "You could have been in a body bag right now! Your parents would be planning your funeral and I'd be…" My voice trailed off.
I had obviously said something wrong because his eyes were wide and now he was looking away from me.
"We would have died on the same day, just a year apart." he mumbled, barely audible but I heard him. He laughed humorlessly to himself.
We were both silent for what seemed like a long time. I went and sat down on a chair on the other side of the room. Too many thoughts were running through my brain that I just wanted to yell 'Shut up!' to it. I dropped my head to my knees, my arms hanging loosely.
"I'm sorry Clare." he said, again, breaking the awkward silence.
I felt tears well up in my eyes again, and I didn't bring my head up because I didn't want him to see. I was sick of crying.
"So much is wrong." I said, not meaning to say it out loud.
There was another silence.
"I'm so mad at myself!" I said bitterly, snapping my head up and wiping the tears off my face with my fingers.
He looked at me, confused. "What do-" I cut him off.
"Nothing I do is working Eli. I've been trying to save you from yourself for months now, and I tried to deny the fact that you just need time to get better but… but you never are! You aren't going to get better by yourself or even with my help Eli, you aren't." I said, shaking my head back and forth. "You need help Eli. And until you do I can't be around you."
His jaw clenched tight as he shook his head back and forth, madly. "I know. My parents are putting me in… in this program."
"That's good Eli. That's really really good." I said, softening and standing up and walking back over to his bed. "I know you may not want to-" he cut me off.
"I don't." he said forcefully. "I don't wanna be away from you."
I grimaced. "Eli… I shouldn't be your main concern right now. You shouldn't have did what you did tonight and you shouldn't act like I'm the only thing in your life!"
He winced. "B-but you are! Don't you get it Clare? I have nothing else! Nothing!"
I stepped back again. "You scare me! You have a family and friends. I'm not the only person in your world."
He closed his eyes and shook his head.
I didn't know what else to do or say. I stepped around the bed and took a step towards the door.
"I'm so relieved that you're okay, Eli. You really scared a lot of people tonight and you need to realize that. And for right now, you need to focus on you and getting better. Not me, okay? Get better."
"So this is it? We're done?" Eli asked, his eyes were now open.
I sighed. "Eli, you know I love you and I'm not going to stop while you're in treatment." I paused, inhaling sharply. "I'll talk to you when you get out and we'll figure things out from there. Please Eli, get better. Not just for everyone who loves you, but for you too."
I walked back over to his bed and kissed him on the forehead. I grabbed his fingers one more time, squeezing them gently.
"I'll see you soon Eli." I said, walking towards the door.
I quickly exited the room, just as the ever-present tears began to flow again.