Even
though I braced myself for it, expecting something and experiencing
are, in the end, entirely different. It's only natural. Surrounded by
so many people who reject you for no good reason, being a part of it
all, yet completely separate—it's a heavy, oppressive feeling.
Things
were far from perfect back in those days, but even while surviving by
the skin of our teeth, there were moments of peace.
Some
summer nights, we would all sleep outside. On the riverbank, we
sought respite from the sticky heat. Lying side-by-side, limbs
touching, watching the fireflies float over the surface of the water—
I could recall peace. In the limbo between waking and sleep, it was
hard to tell where one of us ended and the next began.
"What're
you doing here?" Renji asked me when I showed up at his room.
His hair was tousled, eyes still groggy with sleep.
"I
was feeling kind of... homesick."
"Homesick?
For Rukongai?"
"Well,
it's not that. I just feel like an intruder here; it's-"
He
smiled wryly at me. "I know what you mean."
"Can
I stay with you tonight?"
"Of
course."
I
could feel Renji's breath on my hair in the dark. The heat from both
our bodies warmed the covers, and the full moon leaked in from the
window.
The
tense knot between my shoulders was loosening. For the first time in
days, my mind stopped its endless motion and simply stood still.
In
the haze between conciousness and sleep, I could no longer tell where
he ended and I began.