A/N: This is a poor first attempt at stream of consciousness – poor mostly because stream should definitely be in first person, but...I'm way out of practice for first person (it's been, count 'um, four years since I've written in first person). So this ended up being a weird mix of second and third person that makes no real sense. Uh… sorry? As ridiculous as this is though, I figure it isn't all that unreasonable considering Lelouch is apparently capable of jumping to eighteen conclusions simultaneously upon seeing Mao and tried to hide his chess strategies under a dozen different layers to throw him off. Oh, a sad Lulu does an inspired Kiri make. PS – I haven't come up with a single good title since I started writing Geass fics. I think I'm going to go back and rename them all numbers, which would make this Untitled #3 if I start counting at zero. D8
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Better Place
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There was an emptiness in the room, even as others rushed in to fill the space. Police and medics, soldiers. They spoke and yelled, called out to him, but the words were all gibberish. Foreign and cold USELESS IDIOTS WHY COULDN'T THEY SAVE HER -- She was gone YOU LET HER GO; he had trusted that she would be safe with him. Had he invested too much faith in Suzaku HE HAD PROBABLY BEEN BUSY TRYING TO LOOK FOR YOU because you are his enemy and he is yours why should he DO YOU REMEMBER? Euphie was dead; he would never forgive you. Why should he when he hadn't even forgiven himself NOW SHIRLEY IS GONE TOO but he hadn't been the one this time; it hadn't been him, it hadn't it hadn't but.
Stiff, rough hands pulled him away from her still-warm body, and he felt nauseous all of a sudden. He had been crouched over her body, and his shirt had become soaked. The air made it feel cold against his skin so cold, so cold. And then he couldn't see her anymore; others swarmed over and around her like ants over a carcass she wasn't theirs for the taking! LEAVE HER ALONE; LEAVE HER ALONE. Oh, why so possessive? She was never yours either. He struggled against whoever was holding him, thrashing and yelling whatever unintelligible words that came. Language did not seem worth it, and there were no words THERE WAS TOO MUCH; it was too much. NO WORDS FOR THIS LOSS this pain this. He was too weak, tired, worn, exhausted. Exhausted.
"Lelouch?" came a strained, uncertain voice SUZAKU IS NOT YOUR FRIEND you will KILL him someday or he will kill you Kallen is still away; weren't you going to save her? DIDN'T YOU PROMISE HER what if she was being tortured as Shirley was dead; she was dead EVERYONE WAS GOING TO DIE BECAUSE OF HIM had taken everything from him JUST THAT AFTERNOON HADN'T THEY SAVED HER? Why hadn't he asked more then? Why had they fallen into stupid reminiscing when it had been SO OBVIOUS that something was wrong? Suzaku had taken so much from him already HE IS GOING TO KILL YOU.
"Lelouch..."
Suzaku stood in front of him, the KNIGHT OF SEVEN TRAITOR THE TRAITOR WHO SOLD YOU FOR HIS OWN GAIN. Even he had never done anything so you killed your brother and sister how can you keep forgetting? "What happened, Lelouch?" he was asking, "Who shot her?" He hated his face, hated his seriousness and his righteousness HYPOCRITE you're nothing but a hypocrite and you're all the SAME IN THE END, aren't you?
He was trembling and could hardly stand now, but the officer or soldier or whoever it was behind him held him in place. He was cold; the tears had left a film of salt on his face he didn't want to be there why should he have to be questioned now? Why did it have to be Suzaku that saw him like this, so vulnerable once again THE WICKED VULTURE PROBABLY LIKED SEEING HIM SUFFER unfair; he was being unfair -- Shirley had been his friend too THEN WHY COULDN'T HE HAVE SAVED HER? He was still suspected as Zero did Suzaku still suspect even with Sayoko's masquerade did any of that really matter? His eyes were red. His contact itched. She was dead, she was dead, she was dead. It was cold.
"I don't know," he found himself muttering, "I don't know; I found her like this... I found her...Shirley..."
"'Niisan!" another voice rang out above the crowd, but he did not turn to it.
He didn't want to deal with more people WHERE HAD ROLO BEEN ALL THIS TIME? Couldn't he have saved her but he had never liked her to begin with; he had never liked anyone and he would probably betray you one day HE WAS SURROUNDED BY TRAITORS how could anyone be trusted at all Rolo had already betrayed the Emperor, the Jeremiah, the Cult, so why should he believe any of them? They were all liars, all cheaters, all with their own motives. But wasn't he the most manipulative of them all? HYPOCRITE could he have saved her? Or anyone? Kallen is still waiting for PROMISED you. Or dead. What way did he have of knowing it's all your fault, your stupid pride that she hadn't already been killed?
"'Niisan..."
"Lelouch..."
He needed all of them to go away couldn't he mourn in peace? was too much to think about where had Shirley was dead he needed to avenge her, but HOW HAD SHE KNOWN? HOW HAD SHE RECOVERED HER MEMOR-- Geass canceller, such an incredible power was V.V. really so stupid to have bestowed it upon Jeremiah THERE WAS NO WAY THEY WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN ABOUT HIS LOYALTIES TO HIS MOTHER it was a trap everything was a trap—
He was moved, puppeted along by someone else because he had no will to move on his own. They lay him on a stretcher and LATEX GLOVED FINGERS tore open his blood-drenched shirt what was the point of that? he wasn't injured, and he wasn't going to die; he had never been in any danger here WHY HAD THAT IDIOT TARGETED HIM IN SUCH A PUBLIC PLACE tears prickled at the corners of his eyes again WHY DID ANYONE HAVE TO DIE TODAY? Britannia really didn't care about the slaughter of innocents after all, it seemed but WHO HAD SHOT HER? OF all the people that had been there today would Jeremiah have killed her WHAT REASON COULD HE POSSIBLY HAVE HAD? he hadn't killed the security guards, so why Shirley?
Suzaku EVEN IF HE WAS A TRAITOR would never shoot what had they doing together today, anyway? What had she told him, if she had had her memories back what if Suzaku once again knew the truth? Shirley had been on his side though, had forgiven him, she had said HE DIDN'T DESERVE IT liked him, loved him, so why would she have told him anything why was he worried about this? she was dead so fucking selfish couldn't stop worrying about everything and the world THE WORLD DIDN'T STOP BECAUSE PEOPLE DIED; he still had a role to fill he had to keep going for her, for Nunnally, for everyone that he had already let down.
They put him in an ambulance how stupid and unnecessary, and Suzaku and Rolo rode with him inside, along with a faceless medic. He would destroy them, the Empire, and then no one else would have to fall victim to such pointless violence HOW COULD HE FIND HER KILLER? Wasn't Suzaku, wasn't Jeremiah, wasn't. WAS IT ROLO? ROLO? was it reasonable at all to think JEALOUS LITTLE PSYCHOPATH tried to emulate Nunnally after all thinks that maybe he could replace what he missed the most? Shirley... He flinched suddenly from where he lay, inviting the startled glances of the three around him but HOW COULD HE KILL HIM WITHOUT ROUSING SUSPICION? He had never planned to keep him anyway. Discard him trash trash trash HEARTLESS, aren't you HE DESERVED TO DIE -- Shirley, Shirley...
He closed his eyes; here was stupid THINK ABOUT IT LATER Suzaku would know regardless, wouldn't he? how to make sure what if he was wrong? could make sure, he could make sure somehow THERE WERE MORE PRESSING MATTERS ANYWAY now that Jeremiah he could still be a spy reveal the secrets of the Cult, he could send his Knights to destroy them; without V.V. BUT HE'S IMMORTAL, ISN'T HE? His father would no longer have an advantage he would turn the whole world against Britannia the arrogant pigs and Rolo could have his EXECUTION when everything was over with the last stain on his bloodied hands not an impossible dream; he could reach it and soon; it would be soon.
"Shirley..." he whispered to no one in the vehicle with him, I'm sorry but everything will be okay HE WOULD MAKE IT OKAY in the end. Everything he had already lost... not anything more, nothing more he wouldn't let it tomorrow would be a better day would die goals was it wasn't vengeance, really; it was just purpose. This was his purpose. So when Shirley was reborn, when his mother was, when Euphie was, the world would be a better place.