It was all she could do to keep from breaking down again. Three months. Three months since she'd left, and still his words repeated over and over in her head. Your better off without me, I'll only hurt you again, It's better this way. She half snorted and half choked through her tears, how was this better? How was this an improvement? It wasn't, It was worse.
The claws had been wrapped around her and the confusion had snaked its way into her open wounds. The addiction, it was so powerful, the cravings had become so frequent and wasteful. Love and Mark? Not anymore. It wasn't the same, he was getting closer and closer to full recovery and still he was so distant she hardly knew who he was anymore. Still she loved him only the addiction and distance were tearing them apart. Trying to get him to talk to her was nearly impossible, and the fights. The oh so many fights. Over everything, the big things, the little things, but most of all nothing.
She was so confused and drained, her blended emotions always traveled back to the one man. House. She missed her Curry, ached for him emotionally and physically. The feel of his lips against hers for the first time in 5 years just felt so right. All the heat and passion they shared the night before she turned in her resignations forms, it was tender and sweet.
So why, why now. Why did he have to tell her that, was he trying to protect her, or did he not feel the same way she did. Not knowing was chipping at her tolerance and strength, some moments she wanted to strangle him and others she wanted to kiss him senseless.
She didn't know what to do. Mark was-----he was what she thought she wanted. Stacy told herself that when they're love wasn't as deep as hers and House's was. When they attempted to have long talks during the night, and the witty banter wasn't as playful. She told herself that was fine because she wanted to forget the past, or at least try to and be happy with Mark.
But the smile, the smile he only flashed for her, the one that made her melt and feel all tingly inside. The way he totally broke down for her and bared his soul, how gentle and pushy he was all at the same time. Brilliant and sexy, fun and complicated--she hugged her pillow as the tears made lonely races down her face. Mark was out again, he didn't say why but then again he rarely told her anything anymore. Barely touched her.
Would she be willing to handle and compromise the moods and loneliness that House brought, just to be able to say I'm with him and I love him no matter what the cost. He couldn't change for her, she knew this but she couldn't let him go, not now. He meant to much and she loved him to much.
Her head hurt and she was tired of thinking, if she went back to House she would be happy, but that happiness would come at a price. If she stayed with Mark, she would never be fully happy. It was all getting on her nerves, the thinking and comparing it all made her want to forget and go to sleep but naturally that wasn't easy either. What to do?