Disclaimers; Apply...
Author's Note; Dark fic. Deals with suicide and stuff. Be safe.
Aftermath; Session One
written by Whipper
"I suppose it was always there. The voice... At first it was not that bad. He
was my friend, someone I could talk to and play with when I was feeling lonely.
But with time he started to scare me. He would say that nobody loved me, that
nobody really cared... Then he made me to things. Terrible things. I was so
afraid. But I couldn't stop him..." - Lucas, after "Mirror, Mirror"
"I was in my room. The one in my father's house. I wasn't doing much of anything
actually, just hanging around waiting for my father to come home. I think he was
at some kind of meeting. He almost always were those days. Trying to get
fundings to his new project and stuff. Anyway, it was then I heard the voice...
You must understand that it had gone weeks, almost months, since I had last
heard it. Leaving mom and Tom had made me feel so much better. Not good, but
less... tense. Less frightened. Until I heard the voice again I had even been
foolish enough to believe that perhaps it was gone.
I really should have known better.
Wolenczak...
That's all he said, just my name. But I knew at once that he was back. And I
knew that would mean more pain. More trouble.
You know what's funny? Later on my father would send me to the seaQuest to get
me away from "bad influence". Bet he never realized that the "bad influence" was
just another part of me. Something I could never get away from.
Perhaps me and my father could have been friends. Perhaps he could have loved me
if it hadn't been for... it. How I was, what I was. But as it was I'm not
surprised he sent me away. I frightened him. Hell, I even frightened myself. So
I don't really blame him.
I used to, but I've spent the last couple of weeks thinking and now I don't
blame him anymore. I understand. Will you tell him that for me? That I
understand?"
"Thanks. Uhm... I'm leaving the subject, huh? I didn't hear from the voice again
in a couple of days. But that didn't mean everything was okay. It sure wasn't. I
was so afraid that I couldn't sleep at night. I told you before that... it...
would come to me in my dreams, now didn't I?
I'm not insane. Don't look at me like I'm insane, please. I know you don't
understand... but I'm not insane. I just... have this thing, okay? This thing
inside me that makes me hurt so bad. So please, don't look at me like I'm
some... I'm not some nut case. I'm not stupid. It's just you who doesn't
understand. That doesn't mean I'm crazy..."
"I'm sorry. You're one of the good guys, I know.
Where was I? Yes... the voice. I didn't hear from it until two, maybe three days
later. By then I was pretty much a mess again. Jumping at shadows. Feeling very
lonely. If something had happened, say... Tom had showed up again... I would
probably have chattered.
So... when I heard it again I was in my father's lab, in the basement. I was
trying to forget about everything by working on this project I was helping my
father with. And... as I said, I heard it again;
Wolenczak.
This time it didn't just go away. I knew it was up to something, I could... feel
it in the air. I didn't want to answer it.... talking to it has always made me
feel crazy. If someone would come into a room and find me talking to myself...
well, I would probably had ended up here much sooner than I did."
"Relax, that's a joke. I don't mind this place that much. I don't think it can
find me in here. It's a bit too silent, that's all. And I miss Darwin... and
Ben. The Captain too... but I'm glad he can't see me like this. He'd be
frightened. Just like my father."
"I'm sorry. I know I should just tell you the story but it's so hard. It's
not... it's not something I'm proud of. I hate this part of me, you gotta
understand that. I wish I was... that I could be the kid on seaQuest again. That
I could just erase my past and everything bad that's ever happened to me. But I
can't.
I was sitting in my father's lab and the voice came and it made me do a bad
thing. That's what you want me to say, right? Well, I've said it. Can I go back
now?"
"No? Well, I didn't really think you'd let me. But you can't blame me for
trying...
It was angry at me. The voice I mean. It tride to hide it from me but I knew it
was angry. It tried to get me to... I... it's hard to talk about. But there was
a knife there. A small one. It tried to get me to pick it up...
All I want you to do is to pick the knife up. Nothing else. What harm can
picking up a knife do, Lucas? Come on! Touch it, it wont hurt. Admit it,
Wolenczak. You want to pick it up... And I did."
"I'm sorry, what did you say? If I
knew what it wanted me to do with the knife? No, not really. Not yet.
You don't want to make people angry Lucas, do you? You're afraid that they
will hurt you if you make them angry. But I wouldn't hurt you Lucas. Never. I'm
your friend. Your only, true friend. You do what your friends ask you to do, or
they wont be your friends anymore. It's very simple.
So I picked it up. No big deal.
That wasn't so hard, now was it? So, Lucas... how come you didn't want to
pick the knife up? Were you afraid perhaps? You shouldn't be. Sure, knifes are
dangerous... if they are in the hand of an enemy. In your own hand they can't do
nothing but good. Unless, of course you are careless. If you are, there could be
an accident. You could hurt yourself. Badly. Even fatal. But you don't have to
worry about that now do you, Lucas? You're not a careless boy. You wont hurt
yourself... unless, of course, you want to.
I don't think I ever knew how much power it had over me until then. Suddenly I
realized that it knew everything about me. Even my dreams... my worst
nightmares. Can you imagine how terrified you would be if you found out that
somebody who hates you as much as it hates me knew that much about you. That he
knew you as good, or maybe even better, than you know yourself. Let me tell
you... it scared me so bad I almost threw up.
Is that the problem, Lucas? Do you want to hurt yourself? Do you want the
knife to slip? Is that why you didn't want to pick up the knife? Because you
were afraid that you might hurt yourself with it? Willingly? You don't have to
answer Lucas, I already know the answer. It's "yes".
And of course he was right.
I can feel how your wrist aches, and I know how aware, how painfully aware
you're of the blood that pounds in your veins. I can feel how much you want to
put the knife against your wrist and... Yes, I know that feeling. So, Lucas, why
don't you?
Do you realize now how evil it is? How much it hates me? I know you don't
believe that it exists but if it doesn't... how come I can feel it's hatred even
now?"
"Sorry, I forgot. You can't give me the answers. I have to find them on my own.
Put the knife against your wrist, to feel the cold, sharp steel against your
skin. You know, deep inside, that that's exactly what you want to do. To have
the power to do IT, if you want to. To end it, if you want to. To do anything
you please. The right to decide over your own life. No one can deny you that
right.
If I had been thinking more clearly I would have understood that the only one
that was in control of my life was the voice. Ever since I first met it... Ever
since Tom."
"NO! No! I won't tell you about Tom now. Maybe another time. Maybe never. I just
want too... I... I'll tell you about what happened it the lab if you let me
sleep then, okay? Good.
Yes, Lucas. Let it rest against the wrist. You're a very bright young man,
now aren't you? Can you feel how cold the knife is? Of course you can, what a
stupid question. And you can feel the blood pounding beneath the blade. You're
aching with need, with desire. You know what the blade wants, what your wrist
wants, do you want it too? Or do you want to live? To suffer? To cry yourself to
sleep at night just to wake up an hour later after a horrible nightmare? A
nightmare, or perhaps a memory describes it better? The memory of life. The
horrible, horrible memory of your life..."
"Can I have... thanks. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to start to cry like this but
it... still hurts. The scars are long gone but inside me... it's like it just
happened. The pain will never go away.
You know Lucas, to finish it won't be that hard. All you have to do is to
press the knife a little bit harder and... cut. So easy, and so painless. And I
promise you, it would stop the pain. Forever. No more pain, no more sorrow. Just
press and cut, and it will be over. You'll have peace. At last. No more restless
nights, no more suffering... No one will be able to hurt you anymore. I promise
you Lucas, there will be no more tears...
And I did. As you already know. I cut my arms... and I bled. I didn't die
though. My father came home from one of his countless meetings and he... saved
my life. I never thanked him for it though. Not that I was ever given the
chance. When I woke up at the hospital he was...
I don't know. I hurt him, I guess. He didn't understand and the voice would have
killed me had I tried to explain it to him. He sent me to the seaQuest a month
later. The doctors wanted me to stay at the hospital but he wouldn't accept
that. Can't say why. Perhaps he didn't want it to known that his son had tried
to kill himself. Or maybe he still cared enough not to want me to be there all
alone... "
"That's it. The tragic story about how I tried to kill myself. Can I go back to
my room now? Thanks, Doc. You're being really nice to the nut case.
But your haircut still sux."