a/n: something is wrong with me lalalala i literally started writing this over a year ago btw.
a disintegrating soul
He keeps coming back here. He knows he should stop. He knows that it's unhealthy to come here every single day, and spend hours just staring at the ground, but he can't find it in himself to stay away. His feet just keep dragging him here, demanding he visit the spot.
Sometimes he stays for hours. Sometimes only minutes. Sometimes he doesn't even know how much time passes in between his comings and goings. He gets so lost in it all. He just completely loses focus of the world and his surroundings. He's so out of touch with reality nowadays.
"I thought I'd find you here."
He turns around at the voice. Aria Montgomery looks at him with a somber expression, frowning. She's wearing a giant, green pea coat, one that's too long on her. Her hair is up in a high pony, slightly unkempt. Aria was Spencer's best friend.
He just shrugs in response because what can he really say to that? He is pretty sure he spends more time here than he does anywhere else.
She comes up to him, standing beside him, her eyes trained on the dirt in front of them. They still have yet to build the grave stone. Apparently they are waiting until it gets warmer.
"You know she wouldn't have wanted this, right?"
Toby doesn't look at her.
"She would be livid if she knew how much time you were spending here."
"Maybe that's true," he mumbles after a moment. Uncertain coldness burdens the words; coldness he just can't shake. "I could be spending my time a lot more productively, I know. I could be working. Studying. Whatever. But instead I'm just here…staring at nothing."
"Do you believe in after life?" she asks a few minutes later.
He squints his eyes at the dirt bed in front of them. "Not really."
"Me neither," she responds, not missing a beat.
He looks over at her. She's still looking at the dirt bed. "What are you doing here?" he inquires.
"I was looking for you," she answers, turning towards him.
"Why?"
"I have something for you."
"For me?"
"Yes," she nods. She pulls out a leather journal from inside her coat. She looks down at it, frowning. "This was Spencer's," Aria admits after a moment. "I gave it to her last Christmas. I didn't even think she used it, but…" she sucks on her bottom lip. "But apparently she did."
Toby just stares expectantly at her. Is she giving it to him?
"I, um," she swallows. "I cleaned out Spencer's dorm, and I found it. I've had it since last week."
"Did you read it?" he questions.
She shakes her head, still looking at the journal in her hands. "I skimmed through some of it," she admits. She flicks her hazel eyes to his, "she mentions you a lot."
Toby involuntarily swallows.
"I think you should read it," she pushes it towards him.
He steps back. "I—I can't."
She looks confused. "Why?" she implores.
"What if it—what if it says something that I don't want to know. That…that will make things worse."
Aria looks impatient, but understanding. She sighs. "I know it's hard, Toby. But… but I think this will help bring you closure," she glances down at the book.
He just stares at it like it's some poisonous toxin.
"What about you?" he asks. "Don't you need closure?" he asks in an accusing tone.
She shrugs. "I miss her," her voice catches a little. "But…" her voice trails off quickly.
"I knew her for a year—not even. You knew her your whole life," Toby turns away to look at the dirt bed once again.
"Exactly." Aria states, grabbing his hand. He shifts his eyes over towards her.
"I got my whole life with Spencer, and you only got a year," she puts forth. "You deserve more of her."
He turns his face down. He is dangerously close to breaking down.
"This will give you more of her," she tries again after a moment.
He shakes his head. "I can't… it's personal."
"She's gone, Toby," Aria states bluntly. "She's gone, and she's not coming back. She had to have known that someone would find this. Maybe she wanted someone to read it," Aria conjectures, raising her shoulders in a shrug. "And that person, I think it should be you."
"Why?" he demands, glaring at her. Tears fall from his burning eyes now. "What's so special about me?" he orders.
"She loved you, Toby," Aria states, crying now herself. "She loved you, and you were the person she went to when she was in trouble. You were her safe place to land. Not me, or Hanna, or Emily. It was you."
Toby swallows the lump in his throat. He flicks his eyes down to the journal. "I don't know if I can do it."
"Just take it anyway," she pushes it forward again. "Maybe one day you will be able to."
She pushes the leather journal into his hands. He accepts it reluctantly, barely holding onto it. She leaves him alone after that.
He stares at it for awhile, contemplating whether or not to open it.
Finally, he sits down, cross legged on the cold grass, and opens the first page.
…
January 3
I'm not quite sure why I'm writing in this. Aria bought us all journals for Christmas. She has one herself; apparently she's been using it since the sixth or seventh grade. I heard they are supposed to help you relinquish unwanted feelings and help you calm down from whatever load on you're feeling. Maybe it will be of good use to me, considering I don't really feel comfortable talking to anyone else about my problems. Maybe I can use, you, journal as my own personal therapist.
January 12
So, I haven't really been using this, have I? I guess I'm just not used to the idea of it. Aria is writing in hers all the damn time. She takes it everywhere with her. She probably has at least a hundred of them just lying around considering how much she writes in them. When I told her that I had tried it out, she was so outrageously ecstatic about it. I haven't seen her so excited about anything since Ezra came back from his parents. That's probably all she writes about in her journals, to be honest; Ezra. It's all she ever talks about anyways. She's always telling me that Ineed to find my Ezra; find a guy that will keep me warm on the coldest of nights and rock me to sleep (actual quote from Aria's mouth). Although, I don't think a guy is going to fix my problems. I'll probably just end up sucking him into them and getting not only my heart broken, but his too. Broken people shouldn't invite others into their lives; into their problems. They are just spreading the pain. It doesn't help anyone out. It's like kissing someone while you have mono. Selfish. You know they will easily catch the disease, so why kiss them? Why not warn them? Give them at least the choice of whether or not they will risk infection to be with you? I already feel guilty enough burdening my friends with my problems, why should I add more people to the list?
January 27
The last two weeks have been undeniably horrible. I have barely slept and I keep having the same dreams, or shall I say nightmares. I'll be walking along the sidewalk and then someone will grab me from behind. I can't scream. They aren't covering my mouth, but I can't scream. I'm just letting out exasperated breaths. I can't move either, I'm so powerless. I'm paralyzed and helpless, and no one is around. The street is empty, there's not even a car. I haven't had dreams like this since I was little. I really wish they would stop. Every night before I attempt to go to sleep I pray and wish that I won't have any nightmares, but they won't stop. They won't leave me alone. They won't get out of my head.
January 30
Melissa called me today. I haven't spoken to her since the funeral. I could hardly recognize her. She didn't even sound like herself. Maybe it was because she had a cold, I don't really know. Anyways, she told me that Jason called her, and she was worried about me. I didn't really understand why. She hasn't spoken to me for two years; I was beginning to believe she wished I died in the car crash too. I don't really know what Jason told her, but I really wish he hadn't told her anything. My friends and Jason are annoying enough. They think they need to babysit me or something. They treat me like I can't take care of myself.
February 5
It's been about three weeks since the mugging. The nightmares stopped, thank god. But I still don't quite feel safe. It's not that I felt that safe before the mugging, but I didn't feel scared every time I was alone. I don't want to admit it to anyone, but I do need them. I really wish they didn't believe me when I told them I was fine. I didn't know I was that good of an actress, but apparently I am because they took the bait easily. They stopped calling to check up on me at every hour of the day and stopped looking at me with those annoying pitiful eyes, which I don't miss as much. Maybe I'm just being a baby. Some people get kidnapped and locked in basements for years, I just got mugged. I shouldn't be feeling bad for myself.
February 9
Today I am going to my first party in awhile. It's some big party on campus. I don't know who's throwing it, but Hanna told me it wasn't a party to miss. She is practically forcing me to come along with her, but whenever I go with her to parties, she always ends up ditching me. It's actually really annoying, but I kind of just want to take my mind of things and I know that's not going to happen if I just stay holed up in my room all day. So, I guess I'm going to this party with her. Wish me luck, diary.
February 10
Wow. Wow. Wow. That's all I have to say about it. I can't believe what happened last night. It was magical, beyond incredible. I've heard people talk about it, and I would just roll my eyes. But I was so so so wrong because that was the best I've felt in awhile. I didn't tell Hanna about it and I didn't tell anyone else. Partially because I'm ashamed, but also I know they will judge. They will think I'm beyond repair. But I have to tell someone, I have to get all this out of my head or I'll implode. So, I'm going to tell you diary. Looks like you're more useful than I thought you'd be. When I got to the party, like I predicted, Hanna ditched me. I was about to just turn around and go home before this girl, Maya, from my Sociology class started talking to me. I didn't know her too well, but I've had a few conversations with her here and there. We just sort of hit it off, I guess. We were a lot more open there than we were in the classroom. We ended up ditching the party and going to another. It was off campus, and Maya probably shouldn't have really been driving because she was sort of drunk, but it was well worth it because when we got there, I was introduced to the lovely thing called LSD. I didn't know that I would be introduced to it though! Otherwise I probably wouldn't have done it. It was dripped into the chips we were eating. It didn't hit me till a few minutes, but the next thing I knew I was tripping out big time. It was so utterly terrifying, but all at the same time wonderful. It was like taking a ride through candy land and floating on the luscious clouds of cotton candy. I was so scared at first, I didn't know what was happening to me, but I sort of just let it all go after I realized I had to be tripping. It was such an amazing escape from reality. Like a dream, but better. More vivid and real, and amazing. I can't express how much joy it brought me. I don't think I've been that stoked about life since I was little. Maybe not even. I wasn't even mad after it happened. We all just laughed it off. Apparently I was the last to come down from my high. Maya told me she's never seen me so at peace. And that was probably true. God, it was so great. I wish I could scream from the rooftops about all the joys it brought me.
Ugh, I wish I could do It all again. I know I shouldn't wish something like that because it's a bad thing to do. We are taught from preschool not to use drugs, but I can't stop thinking about it. It's like coming home from one of those fairy tale dates that closes with a passionate kiss, and all you can think about is the kiss. And his lips. And they way he tasted, and the way it felt. It's all I can think about. I want to do it again.
February 13
I did it again! Not LSD, but pot! Maya laughed so hard when I told her I have never smoked pot. She told me her first hit was when she was in middle school. Middle school! It was so insane. I couldn't imagine my junior high self with dorky glasses and bad acne ever rolling up a joint. At that point I didn't even know what a bowl was! I just thought it was necessity for eating soup. But, ah the word has much better meanings.
Maya told me the first time, people normally don't get high, but that was because their weed was shit. She had the good stuff. I felt bad because she didn't charge me anything. I didn't pay anything for the LSD and I wasn't paying anything for the weed. But Maya wouldn't take my money. She told me that it was my first time and she felt the need to make it her treat. She loved the feeling of corrupting others; it was equivalent to watching porn to her. That reminded me of something Hanna would say.
Although, it would most definitely be in another context. Hanna was highly against drugs, if she knew I was doing this, she would probably lock me up in a mental intuition until I got my head back on straight.
Anyways, the high I got was absolutely splendid. It was like I didn't have a worry in the world. I have never felt so calm in my whole entire horrific life. Everything was so much better. I felt like such an optimistic, maybe I'm becoming one. Who knows. All the negativity in me went way. It was such a fantastic, amazing feeling. I don't even know which I like more; LSD or weed. They are both so amazing. Maya told me that there is so much more to explore and I could hardly restrain from letting out a shriek of excitement. I can't wait.
February 14
So today is Valentine's Day. Aria is having this party later on, but I don't even have a date. I don't see the point in going. Aria told me that was the whole point. That I can meet someone there. There is going to be tons of single people at the party. Although I don't really plan on looking. I probably will go for just a few minutes, then leave. Just to say I went. She is my friend after all.
Then I will probably go to Travis' with Maya. They want to introduce me to Aderall, which will be super nice because I have been getting little to no sleep. I've also started to feel scared again. Maybe I can ask Maya for some downers to help me sleep. I'm sure she'll know someone.
February 17
Today Aria found some Tranquillisers in my dresser. I don't know why she was looking through my dresser, but she said that I had more questions to answer than her. I told her the doctor prescribed them to me after the mugging to use. Aria was reluctant to buy it, but I think she did. Although I didn't go on to pest her about why she was snooping through my things because I didn't want her to think it was a big deal she found them. So, I just kept quiet about it and moved on. But now I know I'm going to have to find a better hiding spot.
February 22
Last night was crazy! Travis and I did Shrooms. I felt like I was taking a roller coaster through outer space and collecting star dust on my tongue. It was so magical. That's the only word I can use to describe it. It was nothing like I've ever experienced. LSD could not compare. Travis told me the reason that Maya skipped out was because she was much more of a LSD gal and stayed clear of Shrooms, but I did not understand that one bit because the trip was so brilliantly fantastic.
March 2
Maya got expelled! God, it was so awful, diary! I was so afraid she would rat me out too, but she stayed loyal. This was the third time they found drugs in her possession, apparently. I feel so horrible. If only it had been me, it would be my first time and I wouldn't get in as much trouble as she did. Of course, my friends and Jason would totally flip out, but if it meant saving Maya, I would take it. I really hope she's doing okay. I haven't talked to her yet about it, she only texted me.
March 7
Maya is moving to California. I'm so heartbroken! I've never had anyone that truly understood me like she did. I've never felt this low. She wanted me to come with her, but I couldn't. I just couldn't get up and leave. That really pissed her off. She wanted me to come along with her to start fresh. Travis is going with her and Maya wanted all of us to get an apartment together. After I told her no, she told she regretted ever inviting in their group; that I would always think I was better than them. I felt so so so horrible. I still do. I can't believe she would say that to me. I can't believe she is moving all the way to California!
March 11
I'm starting to think that maybe it was for the better that Maya and Travis left. It was fun while it lasted, but I had to get back to my real life. It was kind of getting out of hand. Aria and the others told me how worried they were and how much they cared. I ended up telling them everything. Everything I've done and all the regret I have boiling up inside me because of it. I told them I was going to get rid of all the drugs I had left and they promised they would help me do it. I was so surprised because they weren't even mad, they were just happy I was taking a stand to be better. I can't believe they didn't get mad, not even Hanna! It was amazing to me. It touched me so much. I can't believe how ungrateful I've been to them! They are my true friends, not Maya and Travis. How could I be so stupid?!
March 13
I did it! I got rid of all the drugs I had left, which wasn't many. It was such a good feeling to get rid of them. It was like pushing the world off my shoulders. I can't believe it took me so long to realize how idiotic I was being! I'm so very glad that I managed to end it. I'm so proud of myself and so are my friends. God, it felt so good to be supported!
March 14
I checked my grades this morning and they are so horrible! I can't believe how much they have dropped in the course of a little over a month. I have been neglecting all my responsibilities for such horrible, nasty, things. But this is a promise that I will do better. I will bring my grades back up and I will make my friends proud.
March 20
Oh my God. I know I should be focusing on my school work, but something happened. Someone happened. I promised myself I would stay as far away as possible from anything that resembled dating, but he, he is something else. He bends the rules. He is an exception. A loophole in the contract I made with myself awhile back.
He is charming and sweet, and likes his coffee black. He makes jokes out of absolutely everything, and some of them were so so so horrible that they were extraordinarily hilarious. I don't think I've laughed that hard in awhile, since I picked up a blunt!
He is so amazing! Just the thought of him makes me swoon. I never have felt such a pull towards another human being, ever in my life. And I just met him! There is just something about him…I don't really know, but I know for sure I want to figure it out. He asked me out on a date and I couldn't bear to say no. I know I should have, but I just couldn't. Not to those beautiful big ol' blue eyes that begged me to say yes. God. I feel so struck. So dazed. So bewitched by him. I'm terrified by these feelings, but it is a good terrified. Like the fear of going on a roller coaster or hang gliding. God, I can't wait to see him. Is that weird? Considering I just saw him? Wow, I sound so insane right now, I'm really glad I'm the only one who reads this thing. Toby. Toby Cavanaugh. Tobias Cavanaugh. God, it even looks great on paper! Toby Cavanaugh.
March 21
I got my test scores back and I got an A on mostly everything! I'm so happy. If I keep it up, my grades will be back to normal by the end of the month!
March 23
My date with Toby is tonight! I'm so excited. I feel so foolish being so excited for a stupid date, but I am. I told Aria about it and she is so happy for me. I didn't tell her all the cheesy feelings I have, but I think she teased me about how I couldn't say his name without smiling, whatever. Maybe she's right, maybe she's wrong. Who really knows? (She is right!)
We have been texting nonstop about the silliest, most, pointless things. He is like my own personal stimulant. Although, I really should not be comparing him with that. I don't even know why the thought crossed my mind! I'm so done with that! All the drugs! I'm completely done. Maybe I'm freaking out over nothing…I can use the word without taking it to action, right? I need to just stop thinking about it! I'm over thinking it. I should be paying more attention to my date tonight! Hanna is coming over in a few minutes and she is going to help me pick something to wear! Ahhh I'm so excited. Wish me luck, journal.
Later…
I'm just getting back from my date and it was so extraordinary, journal! Every single second of it was so perfect. At first we were both really quiet because I guess we were both just really nervous even though we spent the last few days texting? But it was so great. So amazingly breathtaking. We went to this one restaurant off campus that Toby recommended and it was so remote that if it were anyone else I would have felt anxious, but like I said, there is something about Toby…I don't know, he makes me feel safe as stupid as it sounds considering I've only known him for a few days. I trust him.
Anyways, getting off topic, it was this little restaurant at the edge of town. He told me that it was the town where he grew up and I could hardly believe it because my hometown wasn't too far away. I do wish I met him sooner. Although maybe he would stay void of me if we met back in high school.
Wow, I'm getting too attached, too fast.
Anyways, the food was great, but even if it wasn't, I would have still enjoyed myself tonight. After the dinner we got ice cream and just sat on a little bench discussing life. I hope I won't have to wait too long until I see him again.
Well, I have to go finish an essay.
March 24
I went to the mall today with Hanna. Someone was smoking weed. I didn't see them, or anything. But I could smell it distinctly. Before I smoked pot, I didn't even really know what it smelled like. People described it to me as skunk like, rotten, etc. But, I never really knew. But once I got a waft of it, I turned into a hound, I could detect it from miles. I wish I didn't take on that power. I really do. Now, I can't get the smell out of my head, or should I say nostrils? I crave for that smell. I crave for the sensation. It's just weed—it's not addictive. I won't fall into my previous ways if I take one lousy hit.
I guess it doesn't really matter anyway, I don't know anyone who sells it and I deleted all my suppliers from my contacts. It's probably for the better. I guess.
March 26
Toby and I had a lunch date today, and I haven't stopped smiling since! I missed him so much, I feel so clingy and disgusting with these school girl feelings, but it's true, so I may as well admit it to you, dear ol' diary.
The lunch was perfect. We went to some local café place that Toby recommended. I poked fun at him for knowing about a cute little café, and he seemed quite embarrassed. I felt sort of bad! But then again, he seemed to understand that I was just kidding, so it's not like he excused himself to the bathroom to let out a cry or anything. He actually got back at me for making fun of how I ate my sandwich. So what I use a fork? I don't like getting my hands dirty! He's lucky I have a sense of humor!
March 31
Sorry I have sort of abandoned you, well it hasn't been too long. But this certainly was the longest stretch I've had in awhile. I can't believe how attached I've become to you, diary! When Aria bought you for me, I thought you would spend your days aging away on my bookshelf (sorry to break the truth to you), but I was wrong! You have become one of my best friends, diary. I hope you feel special.
Anyways, life is pretty good at the moment. Especially when in the contact of Toby Cavanaugh. We saw each other last night. It was sort of casual. We just went to the city to get some hot dogs and then we walked around the park. He got some ketchup on his shirt and my hair got messed up from the wind, but it was still really great. We shared another kiss and it was almost as magical as the first, and just, ah. I don't even know how to describe it. It was like hearing the first beat of your favorite song coming on the radio. Or the first piece of chocolate you eat after a long diet. It was truly beautiful. It was more than last time too. Much more. More tongue. More touching. We were closer. It lasted longer. It was almost like a short little make out session, but not quite. Shirts were kept on and hands did not make it below the waist. But, it was still hot! And man, does that boy got muscles. His biceps. His triceps. His legs. Even his hands! Seeing what's under that little shirt of his, now that is something I'm excited for.
April 1
I did shrooms last night! April fools! Just kidding, I don't even know where I would get a hold of it. Is it weird that I'm still thinking about it? Probably. Ugh, it's not even that bad. But if my friends knew I was thinking about it, I would surely not hear the end of it. Oh well, I guess I will just focus my attention on more important things…like what could be under Toby's shirt! Just kidding!
Okay, not really, but.
April 3
Jason stopped by this morning. He was very pleased with how I was doing. The last time I saw him I was still shook up by the mugging. My hair was an absolute mess—I wasn't even brushing it at that time, God, the thought makes me cringe, and my eyes were like raccoons'. I barely slept then. And I still don't get the best sleep, but that is for a completely different reason, cough, Toby Cavanaugh.
Anyways, Jason wanted to know what I was planning for my birthday. He wants to take me out to lunch, which isn't really a problem because I don't have anything planned anyway.
April 4
My grades are good. But, they could be better. I guess since I no longer have my parents to impress, it doesn't matter as much to me? I mean, it matters, of course. But, when I get a B, I don't nearly have a breakdown.
I really missed them today.
April 7
Oh my god, diary! Guess what? Tobias Cavanaugh is officially mine. I can now to refer to him as my boyfriend! Toby is my boyfriend! The saying never gets old. God, it was so wonderful. We were just cuddling and talking in my dorm room, and then all of a sudden the conversation of what we are to each other popped up.
Well, Toby invited me to his mother's art banquet, and then he asked if he could introduce me as his girlfriend. And obviously, I said yes. It led to a very steamy make out session that might have gone longer if Aria didn't come in and ruin it. Oh well, I guess we have all the time in the world now, after all we are dating.
P.S. Toby asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and the first thing that came to me was pot. God, someone help me! Of course I didn't tell him that though! Like any girl would do, I told him I didn't want anything. So, I guess it'll just be a surprise. (Although I doubt it will be pot or any form of drug for that matter.)
April 9
Shit! Shit, diary, shit! It happened. I didn't mean it to. I really tried to just stay away and clear of it, but… Dear Lord, something is seriously wrong with me. I don't know why I did it. I told my friends I wouldn't. I'm such a liar. I'm so weak. I honestly don't even know what it was. All I know is that I smoked something and got really, really, high. It definitely wasn't one of my better choices. I need to stop going to parties. That's where trouble leads. God, I'm such an idiot. I can't believe I was so dumb. I barely knew the people who supplied it, how could I even trust them? Wow, wow. I'm so so so senseless.
April 11
It's my birthday! I still feel sort of guilty for the other night, but no one seemed to notice that I was acting strange. Hopefully Toby and Jason are easy to fool as Emily, Aria, and Hanna.
I'm meeting Jason at noon for lunch at this one diner place for lunch and then having dinner with Toby later tonight. Hopefully it'll be a good day.
April 12
Toby thought I was acting strange. I told him I was fine, but he didn't seem to believe it. I felt bad lying to him, but if I explained what happened the other night I would have to explain everything before that, and how reckless and foolish I was. I don't think he would judge me for it or anything, I just don't want to mess anything up between us. It's great. Amazing, even. I've never felt this way about anyone in my whole entire life. He's so sweet and understanding…and I just feel a connection between us. Don't get me wrong, I still think soul mates are just romanticized bull shit, but. I don't know. Maybe we were meant to meet. Maybe in another life we had been a couple. Maybe in that life I wasn't as big of a screw up.
April 17
Yesterday was horrible. It was so bad. It was definitely one of my worst days in long time. God, I just wish it didn't happen. I was so bummed out because for one, I got into a fight with Toby. Then I got my test scores back and I failed! I actually failed! Since when do I fail tests? But that wasn't what made the day so bad, no not even close.
I felt stressed out. I needed a getaway. My friends were busy with…whatever. Toby and I were fighting. So, I called them. The people I met at the party; Noel Kahn and Jenna Marshall.
The rest of the day was a blur. I didn't even go to class. I don't know what's wrong with me? Why did I skip class over such frivolous things? I was just so sad. It actually ached. I've had days like this before, more than I'd like to admit. But, I don't know. I don't know, I cracked this time. I saw the opportunity to escape my pain and I took it. Even though the way of escaping was really just running into another, much larger, mess.
We did heroine. It was my first time, so they had to kind of guide me in. I had to pay for it too. I'm pretty sure they ripped me off.
What made the day so horrible is that I liked it. I want to do it again and again. I want to rediscover my love for drugs. I'm falling back into this abyss, and this time I'm not sure I'll make it out.
April 20
I haven't talked to Toby since our fight. And it wasn't because I was pissed at him still. Or because I was scared he was pissed at me. It was because I couldn't. I couldn't lie to him again. I couldn't bring him into my shit, even though I kind of already have. He left me a couple voicemails, saying how we needed to talk and a few texts saying he was sorry. But I just deleted them all. I couldn't. I couldn't respond. I know I owe him something, but I just need to figure out what's going on in my head right now.
April 21
Last night in honor of 4/20 we smoked weed. I'm not going to lie, the first hit was heavenly. After not smoking for awhile, it was all that more great.
I still haven't spoken to Toby.
April 22
Toby stopped by my dorm today. We actually ended up making up, but he was pretty pissed at me for avoiding him. I told him that I was just really depressed and he seemed to understand. I'm making a vow to myself that I'm done with drugs and that I'll never ignore Toby again.
April 24
So… I already broke my promise. Jenna called me last night, she wanted me to keep her company while Noel was going off, doing who knows what. I told her I couldn't—I was done with drugs. She told me that they could just watch movies, and I was foolish to believe her. When I got there she had the heroin all ready to go. I couldn't resist.
April 29
I keep going back over there. I just can't resist. It's sooooo good, but soooo bad. I'm keeping up on my assignments though, and I'm in a way better mood than I was before.
Toby thinks something is up with me, but whatever. I guess I'll just have to keep lying to him because I don't want to pull him into my shit. Maybe I should just break up with him, let him off the hook. It would certainly benefit him.
May 1
Why am I even writing in this thing anymore? Every day is the same. Well mostly. The lousy days are lousy and the good days are okay. There's not much more to it.
May 13
Today is the anniversary of my parent's death. I feel like I'm not even the same person that I was when they were alive. When they were alive, I was always trying to be the best. I was always showing off. Always smiling to prove that my life was better than anyone else's. That's how I was raised to be. I cared so much about what people thought of me, and now I don't even give a fuck. It's so weird. If my parents, or even Melissa, saw me now, I know they would be beyond the point of disowning me.
Maybe I'll just go on today like it is a normal day. Therefore I don't have to witness the look of pity in everyone's eyes. It will be better that way.
Later…
I was hanging out with Toby when I started bawling my eyes out. He asked me if I was okay, I was acting weird apparently, and I don't know what happened, I just snapped. I had been lying to him for weeks about me being okay. Why couldn't I do it then? I told him everything. Well, not everything. Not the drugs. Not the depression. But about my parent's death. I told him how and when it happened. I told him how the totaled the car was. I told him how Melissa and I had to identify the bodies and how they were almost unrecognizable. How purples and blacks mashed together in patterns on their face. I told him that we didn't even know till three days after of what happened to them. They were always gone, how were we supposed to know that this time it was for good? I told him how awful it was and how gruesome. And then he told me something.
Apparently, his father died when he was thirteen. Thirteen! I lost my parents when I was seventeen and I could barely handle it. He said that he and his father were close. They went to boy scout camp every spring till he was ten, before he was "too cool for that."
His father apparently was a police officer, which ultimately led to his death. He was shot by some man who had escaped from prison. His father had been the one to lock the man up, and the man wanted his revenge.
My poor Toby. He said how scared he was that the man would come next for him, but eventually that fear became anger. He wanted to kill that man, which led him into very deep complexes. The man was captured and was sentenced with life, but that wasn't good enough for Toby. He would scheme away in his brain of ways he could torture him. The thoughts possessed his mind. It's all he could think about. All he wanted to do was see the man pay.
Then his daughter was murdered and everything got worse. Some way or another, he became a suspect. The whole town pointed the finger at him. And they never really let it down.
How could anyone possibly believe my sweet Toby would do anything like that? It was so awful. I got pain from just listening to the story. If I had been there, I would have set all those people straight. I would have made sure no one dared to say a word about, or to, him.
And I don't know if I said it out of my own vulnerability, or pity, or empathy, but I told him I loved him. And I meant it. I never meant any other words as much as I meant those ones. He said it back and then we possibly had our best kiss yet. It was so tender and moist and wonderful. We both were kind of crying and we both felt so weak, but the kiss was so powerful. It was so much. It made me feel so much better. And God, I just love him so much. It hurts. It actually pains me to love him this much.
After we sat there, holding each other, we decided to visit out parents' graves. He held my hand and I held his.
I don't really know how we went this long without talking about this—finding out our shared interest. I guess, neither of us likes talking about things like that. I wonder what else I don't know about Toby…and I wonder what he suspects he doesn't know about me.
Maybe I should tell him about the drug thing. But then he'll just worry. I don't want that. So I'll just keep it a secret. I'll just pretend it never happened. And this time I'll keep my promise. I won't do it again. He loves me. I don't need drugs, I have him.
May 18
It's been really hard, but it's been four days and I haven't endorsed anything in my body that is of an illegal substance. It's almost draining me out? I mean I know its withdrawal, it happened last time too. But this time, it's a lot worse. I feel so tired. It reminds me of the time I had mono. I feel so wiped out and weak. I haven't even eaten anything in two days. All I've had is one piece of toast. I couldn't even go to class yesterday because of how nauseated I was. And even though I feel almost worse today, I know I have to go. Exams are in a week, and I need to ace them. Hopefully I don't vomit while in class. That would be quite embarrassing.
Later…
Jenna came up to me after class asking why I was ignoring her calls. I told her I was trying to stay sober and she just laughed in my face. She said I'll be crawling back to them soon enough. I told her that I would really appreciate if she supported my decision, but I don't think I'm going to get approval from her. Oh well, she was wrong. I can do this.
May 20
The only time I feel strong enough to overcome this is when I'm with Toby. That's the only time where I think it is worth it to try and stay clean. He noticed how tired and sick and everything I've been lately. And he's so sweet. He's been coming to my dorm right after class every day. He even lied to his boss and said that he was sick just to take care of me.
He brings me soup and wet hand towels for my eyes. And ice to smear on my face when it gets unbearably hot. He even does it for me, even though I'm fully capable of doing it myself. He even went out and bought my favorite movies for me. Sometimes he stays and watches them, sometimes he doesn't. God, I love him so much. He is the only good thing in my life right now.
May 24
I'm starting to feel a little better, finally! Now, I need to focus all my time into studying if I want to pass these exams. Even if it means having absolutely no social life!
June 4
Exams are over, but test scores aren't all posted. Some of them are and on those I did all right. I got B's, but hey, at least it isn't a C. Right? Plus, I was pretty ill, so there's that. Anyways, now that the school year is over, everyone is packing up to go home. I am going to sta with Jason. He lives about an hour away, which means I will be an hour and half away from Toby. It makes me, really, really, sad. I don't know if I'll be able to be that far away from him. Sure, we both have cars. We can meet up. We can visit (Toby said his mother would be fine with it and I doubt Jason will care). But it won't be the same. I won't see him every day like I do now. I already miss him.
He's coming over tonight for our goodbye. Aria already left, so we will have no privacy issue. Maybe tonight will even be the night.
June 5
Yes, we had sex for the first time last night. It happened. It was so wonderful. Wow. He was so gentle about it. And it was so warm and right and magical. It felt so good and right. I know I already said that, but I can't emphasize enough on how right it felt. It was just so great. I'm sort of sore, but whatever. It doesn't even matter. I haven't felt this good in a long time. God, god, god, it was so perfect. So energetic and magnetic. God, god. I just. Wow. Wow. I can't stop thinking about it.
We fell asleep almost instantly after. My bed is just a twin size bed so it was a tight squeeze, but we were both perfectly fine with it. Well, at least I was. His arm was wrapped around me all night and I never had a better night's sleep.
But then the morning came…and we had to say goodbye. It was horrible. I started to cry. I didn't want to, but I just did. He stood there holding me and whispering how it would be okay—we would see each other still, in my ear. But I didn't want to let him go. He was my serenity. My comfort. While everyone else was going home, mine was getting taken away from me. He is my home. He is the only thing that's ever been constant in my life. The only thing that's ever kept me sane. I can't lose him. Even if it's just for a few months, I don't think I can stay strong enough without him here. With me.
But he's gone, and there isn't much I can do about it. I'm crying as of right now, and I know if I keep talking about it I'll just cry more. So. Bye.
June 8
Almost everyone left campus. Well, besides Jenna and Noel. They called me last night. They're having some party tonight. They invited me. I'm pretty sure they just want me to suffer with them. Well, I'm not going. I rather be dying with boredom, than to get involved with them again. All they want is trouble.
June 9
I successfully avoided going to the party. It took some will power, but I managed. And I may or may not have skyped Toby all night to distract myself. Who knows, really? Anyways, it doesn't really matter anymore because I'm finally moving into Jason's tomorrow. He has been on some business trip for the last two weeks and I couldn't move in without his consent, so. Anyway. His plane will arrive at the airport tomorrow and I'll be there, ready to pick him up and ready to begin my summer with him.
June 18
I know that I haven't really been talking to you much, diary, but there is nothing much to say. I spend most of my time reading. Jason is gone most of the day with work and I don't exactly know anyone around here. The only person I know is Cece, Jason's girlfriend, but I doubt she wants to hang out with me.
June 21
So, Today is Father's day. Toby is spending it with his mother, he offered for me to come over, but I declined it. I didn't want to leave Jason alone. We do share the same father, so it has to be hard on him too? Even though, he didn't even know about it till he was fifteen. I remember when I first met Jason. I was only ten, and my parents tried to fool me into believing he was my cousin. But I did not believe that for one bit. I only had three cousins, one aunt, and one uncle. And they were on Mom's side. My dad didn't have a brother. Although, I never suspected that he was my half brother. I don't really know what I thought he was. I found out when I was thirteen who he actually was and by that time I grew I liking for him. He was the only person in my family who paid attention to me. He used to practice field hockey with me and help me practice with my speeches. Neither my parents, or Melissa did that. If Melissa was playing field hockey with me then she was just trying to show off.
June 23
So… Cece called me today. She wants me to hang out with her. She said something about how it was a crime for someone as pretty as me to be cooped inside all summer. I laughed, thinking she was kidding, but no she was serious.
So I guess I'm going to the beach with her and her friends. Whatever, I guess it's better than sitting in my room missing Toby.
Later…
I smoked weed today. We were all at the beach, and then they just pulled it out. It seems to follow me everywhere I go. Maybe I should just give into it? Maybe just for the summer? I separated myself from it before, I can do it again…right?
June 24
I'm seeing Toby today! I'm so excited. I haven't seen him since the day he left campus. He was on some vacation with his mom for two weeks and after that, we were just too busy. (Well, he was too busy). But he's coming here now! He'll be here for a few days! I'm so so so eager to see his beautiful little face. I'm going to have to hide you, diary, I can't let him find it and see how messed up I actually am. Is that selfish?
June 28
Toby left this morning. I already miss him. I wish he could just stay here with me. And its only June! How will I ever make it through a whole entire summer? I don't think I'll be able to!
And I'm also annoyed with Jason currently, he made Toby sleep on the couch! What am I? Some sixteen year old? No.
July 3
I've been hanging out with Cece and her little friends, but all they do is pot. Which is typical because doesn't everyone these days? I mean it's better than nothing, but if I'm going to do this, I should at least get to do a shot of Heroin or some LSD. I'm going to be free of drugs completely after this summer, and I just want to do them one last time.
July 4
Fourth of July! Woo. I'll probably be able to find a supplier tonight. Cece invited me to this party and its huge. I'm sure I can find the right people, I mean I have before.
Also, I kind of feel bad. Toby wanted me to come and visit for the fourth of July weekend, but I declined. I told him that Jason and I had already planned something. Which, of course was a lie. I'm a terrible girlfriend.
July 5
I found someone last night! And it was almost as good as I remembered. Maybe even better. I'm not sure. The last time I did it, I sort of hated myself. And I still do, but in a different way? I don't know. Honestly I think I'm still kind of high so this probably makes no sense whatsoever. But I can't explain it. It's like this is who I am and when I do it, it just lets the inner me finally come out of its chambers. It's a beautiful process. It's like the migration of butterflies.
July 9
Even though I promised myself I would never do ecstasy, I did it. It's so bad and wrong, but so desirable. I couldn't reject it. I just couldn't. I wanted to give it a chance and get the experience. See if it's really all that great. It is. I know I'm in the wrong, I recognize that. But the thing is, I don't really care. That scares me.
July 19
Jason and Cece broke up. I felt bad because it's partially my fault. Jason found out, some way or another that Cece gave me pot. I don't understand why Jason is even making a big deal about it. Back in his college days, he was practically an alcoholic. Weed isn't even that bad, he is definitely overreacting. Jesus Christ, I wonder what he would do if he knew what I was doing every time I left the house.
July 28
I'm going to visit Toby. We've been pretty distant for the past couple weeks. I mean, it's my fault, of course. What could he ever do wrong? He's perfect. He is an angel who escaped heaven and I'm just the opposite. His dad was a police officer. He made sure the world was a safe place to live. My parents were lawyers. They manipulated people to get what they wanted. It didn't matter if the person was guilty of murder or not, they wouldn't care. They could knowthe person had committed the crime, and they would still do all in their power to set this person free. Put this harmful human being back on the street. Our backgrounds are enough to show which of us has the horns and which of us has the halo.
And not to mention how Toby never lies. He is always honest with me even when it hurts. I lie to him constantly. I blow him off so I can get high and go on some trip. I'm awful.
He deserves better than me, but I'm selfish. I don't want to lose him. I need him. I know I blow him off, but I still needhim. I need to know he is there for me. I just really need that reassurance that when I fall on my face, someone will be there to help me stand back up. Someone whose hand looks worthy of grabbing. Someone who will make life seem meaningful.
August 7
I'm just getting back from Toby's now. I told him how sorry I was for being the shittiest girlfriend in the world and he tried to convince me some of it was his fault. But if he seriously believes that he's in denial. I'm the one who ignored his calls. I'm the one who changed plans. I'm the one who didn't try to keep our relationship in a whole. I don't deserve him, but I can't break from him.
And guess what I'm doing tonight, by the way? If you guessed Shrooms, you guessed right! How awful am I?
August 19
I've stayed in contact with Toby, but also with the drugs. I'm not even making an effort to quit? I don't want to, I love it so much. I have such a yearning for it. I feel so terrible because Toby is in love with me, but I'm in love with Heroin, Morphine, and LSD. I know it's bad, terribly bad. I'm an awful human being. But my love for it does not cease to end. The trips are always dazzling and new. It's like I have a whole new universe to explore. As if I'm exploring the halls of Hogwarts and forests of Wonderland. It's beautiful.
August 27
I'm so conflicted. School starts soon, and I'm debating to even go back? What do I have there? Toby? I have barely talked to my friends this summer. It's my fault, yes. Of course it is. I screw everything up. I could get my own apartment here. Maybe with Holden, or something. I could start pushing with him and get a part time job. I haven't known what I wanted to do since my parents died, and now I do. The only thing that is stopping me is Toby. I don't want to break up with him. I want to spend more time with him. I'm not ready to let him go just yet.
Sometimes I wish he would accompany me on this journey. He is the only one I really would want to. We could have so much fun together. We could forget about all the shit we've been through and we could just be in love without anything to come between us.
August 28
I was sort of still high when I wrote that yesterday. And drunk. I don't even know actually, but I was fucked up for sure. I would never NEVER wish this life on Toby. Never. I would never let him do drugs. Never. I rather die. But the other part…the other part I'm still thinking about.
August 29
I talked to Jason about taking a year off and then he accused me of being extremely selfish. I was so pissed at him that I went and smoked a bunch of bowls just to spite him! I came home, still high. And then he kicked me out. Apparently I was harassing him. Whatever. I thought he cared about me? And he just threw me out! I'm staying with Holden for the time being.
August 31
I called Toby and I told him about my plans ( leaving out the drug part of course!). He was is so pissed at me! He hates me, oh my god, he totally hates me. He couldn't even listen to me anymore so he hung up on me. I'm bawling so hard right now, I don't know what to do. I don't want him to hate me. Oh no God, please don't hate me. Please I can't lose him. I can't. I love him. I'm so horrible and I show it in the most horrendous ways, but I love him SO MUCH. He is my rock. My everything. I'm sobbing so hard right now. Have I lost him forever? Oh no, I can't do this. I need to get on something. I can't deal with this pain right now, I just can't. Not on top of everything else.
September 1
I was high all day yesterday. And when I wasn't high I was tripping. And When I wasn't tripping, I was drunk. And at some point, I was all three, if that is even possible. I woke up at 5pm today and my phone had two missed called from Toby. I was so relieved. I still haven't called him back, but I'm planning to. I just need to pull myself together because I'm a mess right now.
Later…
Toby is really upset that I won't be coming back to school, but he gets it, strangely. Well he gets the lies I fed him. I told him I needed a year off, to figure myself out and get all my shit together. He actually took a year off before going to college to do the same thing. Although I doubt it had anything to do with drugs…
As for where we stand right now, I'm not sure. And that makes me more depressed than ever. I should go back and be with him, but I can't. Not like this. Not when I'm so broken, beyond fixing. Ha, and I thought I was a mess before. I was nothing. I was just some foolish girl. Now I'm just broken fragments that just keep shattering over and over again, till only dust remains.
September 3
I start pushing today. Hopefully it goes well, I'm sort of nervous. Also, college starts today. And I'm not there for it.
September 28
Yesterday was the worst day of my absolute shit life. The worst fucking day. I can't stop crying. It won't stop. I didn't even know I could produce this much tears. We were all this party. Holden and I decided we could use a break from all the pushing and what not. Of course, I didn't know these people throwing it. How could I? I'm still a newbie in this town. I didn't know what I was getting into. Holden ditched me the minute we got there, and I should have known something terrible was going to occur. Something terrible always happens when I get ditched at a party. Like that party with Hanna for example, that was the first time I had an encounter with drugs. It is what brought me into this disgusting lifestyle. I don't blame her of course, but the point is nothing ever comes from being ditched at a party.
It was so bad, it was so horrible. I don't even know if I can write it down. My hands are shaking so badly right now and I'm so terrified. Terrified of everything. I can't stop sobbing.
Yesterday I was raped.
By Noel Kahn.
Noel fucking Kahn!
Part of the fucking reason why my life is an absolute shit hole!
And Jenna was there, laughing! Laughing! I think she may have been video recording it, I couldn't really see because it was dark and I was drunk and also sobbing, even though each time I sobbed, Noel hit me.
I can't stop sobbing. I can't stop shaking and throwing up. I'm so disgusted. I feel so utterly violated. I'm so sickened. I need help. I need help. I need help. Someone save me from this nightmare.
October 2
Everything is so fucking awful. I hate everything and everyone. I don't know how to breathe anymore without sobbing. I feel like I'm dying. I wish I was dying.
October 8
Holden thinks I need to get over what happened. GET OVER IT! I can't even believe him! He is the only person on this earth that I have and he told me to GET OVER IT. How do you even get over something like that? I'm so disgusted by him that I left. I don't know where I'm going , but I left. I am writing this on a park bench. Since my car was stolen, I have to walk around to get places. I'm thinking about going to a motel.
Later…
I am at a motel, and it's beyond creepy, but it is better than being with Holden.
October 9
Toby called me today. He wanted to see how I was doing. I said fine, but he caught the strain in my voice. The crack. And then he asked what was wrong, and I sobbed. I sobbed so much that I couldn't even talk. I couldn't speak.
He made me tell him where I was because he was coming over. I knew it was selfish to tell him. I can't expect him to rock me back to health anymore. We broke up. He doesn't have to do that for me. Plus, he probably has class tomorrow. I'm such a self centered piece of shit. Its 8PM and it's an hour drive.
October 10
I told him everything. Every. Single. Thing. Even about the rape.
He didn't judge. He didn't tell me to "get over it." He didn't stare at me with a look of disgust and/or pity.
He just held me. All night. I fell asleep in his arms and it's the best sleep I've gotten in months. This morning he told me that he can help me get through this. If I wanted to get through this, that is. And of course I wanted to! I needed to. And he was the only one that cared enough to help me.
In a few days we are going to call the dean. I want to call him sooner, but I know when the withdrawal hits in, I'm going to be feeling like shit. So, I figured I should wait.
Later…
Toby wants to take me to Jason's, but I can't—I just can't! I can't disappoint him. Not more than I have already! He doesn't think it's good for me to be cooped up in this motel, but I assured him it was better than confronting Jason about it. He tried to convince me that Jason would be glad that I was trying to make a change. But he barely knows Jason! How would he know? I just can't deal with disappointing anyone else.
Toby said he is going to stay with me for the week, so I won't be alone. He offered to pay for it, but he has already done so much for me that I couldn't possibly! I'm just going to use some of my inheritance money, I don't know why I didn't pull that out before now. I was so idiotic. I didn't need to sell drugs, why did I? Did I just do it, to do it? God, I can't believe who I turned into. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm so stupid, and reckless; nothing like I used to be.
October 11
Toby refused to let me pay for it all, even though it wasn't that much, and the only reason he is even here is for me. Sometimes it annoys me how he needs to be a gentleman all the time, but whatever. He is still the most amazing person I've ever met.
The symptoms began to kick in today. They are worse than last time. I've been feeling nauseous the whole day, and my head kills. I threw up a couple times, I'm not sure how many. And everything just aches. I'm getting hot flashes and chills, and I just want it all to go away. I'm miserable. I'm so utterly miserable. I know that if Toby wasn't here I would have caved by now.
I was so close to pulling out my heroin. It's in one of my many bags. I was going to do it, but then Toby texted me that he was on his way back from getting me some soup. I felt guilty, and shameful. And if that wasn't reason enough to put it away, he would be back in a few minutes. He would be able to tell.
I know I should get rid of it, but I can't. Knowing that it's there—I don't know, it's comforting. It's like having a net. I don't know if I'll be able to do this, I need it. I need it till I know I'm ready to let go.
October 15
I didn't write the last three days because of how much everything ached. How horrible and awful I felt. It was even worse than the first day of symptoms. I slept as much as I could just to avoid it all, but I kept waking up. I just want this to be over. I just want to start over. The only thing that's motivating me to stay strong is Toby. We're going out tonight. To this one festival. I don't know, maybe it'll be fun.
Later…
I started to feel really sick again so we ended up heading home early, well to the motel anyways. When will it stop? I need it to stop. I don't think I can keep this up for very much longer.
October 17
I'm feeling a little bit better, but I don't know. It comes and goes. We're still going to go with the plan and call the dean today though. I can't keep doing this; sitting here and waiting for everything to go back to normal. I need to move on and keep going. I need to forget all this, and move on. And I can't do that if I stay in this motel room.
Later…
I scheduled a meeting with the dean for Monday, which means we are stuck here for the weekend. Yippee.
October 20
The meeting with the dean went…well. I guess? I don't know. He's going to call me tomorrow, or something. Ugh. I don't know. I feel like it's all just going to go to hell, and Toby can't stay with me forever. He has to go back to his life. I doubt he wants to babysit me. If I don't get back in, I don't know what I'll do. I don't think I'm strong enough right now to be on my own. I need him beside me.
Until the dean calls me back, and we sort everything out, we are staying at this little motel right by the campus. I told Toby I would be fine alone, but he persisted, and I didn't have the energy to fight him, so I guess he'll be accompanying me again.
Of course, I cannot deny that I'm happy about that. His company is the only thing that's preventing me from falling into that endless pit again. But like I said, he's eventually going to have to go on without me.
At least I'm not keeping him from class anymore.
October 22
The dean called today. He said that he'll take me back, scholarship and all, but the second I start making trouble, I'm out. Luckily, I don't have to worry about that. I'm going to steer clear of any nuisances. I'm just going to get healthy and focus on school. It will be a better year.
Since the semester is half way over, I am forced to wait till January to start school again. Until then, I think I'm going to rent out a loft. Maybe I'll just stay in it for the whole entire school year. That way I can avoid all those parties.
Toby wants me to stay with Jason, but I can't go back to that town. Or Jason, for that matter. My friends are here. Toby's here. I can't get through this without them.
I'm still going through the withdrawal symptoms. I'm still weak. But I know I can get strong again.
November 8
I'm not sure where Toby and I stand. I guess we're friends, but I still love him. And I think he still loves me. It's confusing really. Last night we kissed. It was the first time in a long time. It felt so good. So familiar, but better. But it didn't last long. Toby jumped away from me like I was labeled quarantine, or something.
Afterwards, he kept on apologizing. I kept telling him that he had nothing to apologize for, but he just kept saying it. He left after that, giving me some bogus excuse about some giant test the next day.
I understand it. Why would he want to be with me? After all I put him through? Sure, he's going to help me out. He's going to be there for me. Because he's a good guy. He cares. But why the hell would he ever want to be involved with me again in that way? I'm so stupid to think that I would get another chance. He's already given me so many.
He's my friend, and I should be grateful enough for that, but every time I look at him, I just want to be near him. I know that sounds lame and possible pathetic. But whenever I look at him, I just want to be close to him. I want to touch him, and for him to touch me. I want to feel alive again with him.
But he doesn't feel the same way. Why would he? I'm a junkie.
November 17
We haven't talked about the kiss. It's basically like it didn't happen. I thought he would bring it up sometime, but he hasn't, and at this point, I really don't see it happening. I thought we would have at least talked about it. Even if it was just Toby telling me he doesn't want to be with me in that way… that would have been better than nothing.
November 23
Sometimes I wonder if my parents are looking down on me, witnessing all the horrible shit I have done. I can't imagine the disappointment they must be feeling if they have seen all of what I have done. I feel so shameful.
I'm such a horrible person. Sometimes I try to convince myself that I'm not, but I am. I really, truly am. Toby, or Aria, or whoever else, can say that I'm not. That I've just made some mistakes, but I am. I am an awful human being who doesn't deserve life.
November 27
It's Thanksgiving. But I'm not doing anything. I refuse to go see Jason, and I've never been close with my sister. And my parents are dead. So, what am I really going to do?
December 2
Toby came over last night, and we kissed again. This time he didn't pull away or push me away or anything like that. Instead he kissed me back, and pulled me closer, and made my lips swell. I've felt so shitty lately, but after kissing him, it's like he took some of that guilt and shame away. He cleansed me.
He kept telling me that I was important to him. That I was someone who made his life better.
But I don't understand how that's true. I make his life worse. I make it more difficult. I drag him down into my problems, and ruin him in the process. Toby was probably a better person before me. I've poisoned him.
Sometimes I can see it. I can see the slight hollowness in his eyes that has accumulated since we met. It's only gotten worse since he came to my aid in that motel room. Sometimes I wonder if he would just be better off if I was gone.
If I never came back.
December 15
Toby and I slept together last night. I'm still not sure what we are. I guess I should ask maybe. But I feel like he loves me. And I love him. And I know that we both know that, so why really ask at all? Does it really matter to label it? Neither of us wants anyone else, so why should we have the conversation about exclusiveness and definition? It doesn't matter. Not really.
He told me that he was scared before. Scared that he would make things harder for me. I laughed audibly at this because Toby does exactly the opposite. He makes things so much better. I'm baffled by him not seeing that.
I told him I loved him, and that I was sorry. He asked me what I was sorry for, and I just told him everything.
After that, he just said he loved me.
December 17
Aria keeps asking what I want for Christmas. I'm honestly tempted to ask for another journal. I'm running out of space in this one, and I honestly don't think I would have gotten through any of this if it wasn't for this diary. Writing things down is therapeutic.
January 4
Aria got me a new journal, but I'm still going to write in this one until I run out of space completely.
I keep thinking about stuff. I can't stop thinking.
For awhile, I was doing better. I thought that I really was putting everything behind me, but I think that I was just distracted with the holidays. Now they are over, and I'm once again feeling like absolute crap. It's not like I was really better before, but I felt I was getting there at least. Now, I just feel like I'm at a complete stand still. I wonder if I've really moved at all.
January 6
I had a horrible desire for a hit today. A hit of anything. Anything strong. I felt like my whole entire body was quaking with desire over it. I know that if I had access to anything, I would have relapsed.
January 12
I begin school today. So, I guess that's cool. At least I won't be spending so much time alone, sitting in my loft. I'll be able to keep busy.
January 17
Toby keeps telling me that he's scared for me. Scared of losing me. Or something.
I think it's because I told him about my urge the other day. I shouldn't have. I regretted it right after. But for some reason, I just told him. It's just so easy to tell him things, and he always makes me feel so better afterwards…
But I know that it was mistake. Toby's been an absolute mess since. I think I am breaking him.
January 23
I don't know anymore. About anything. I really don't. Can you fix a mistake so huge? Can anyone truly recover from this? I don't know.
January 25
I cut myself today. I never understood self harm till now. I never got the point, but it all makes sense to me now. That terrifies me. This whole thing terrifies me.
January 31
Remember when you were little, and you were scared of strangers? Scared that they might hurt you? Well, now I realize that I have become that stranger. I have become the person I'm afraid of. How did this ever happen?
February 17
There's no space left in this diary anymore.
But I just have one more thing to say.
I'm sorry.
Goodbye.