Announcer: This is a public service announcement brought to you, in part, by Bonnie Kurtz. The general attitude and meter of all the songs belong to Marshall Mathers, a.k.a. Eminem (all hail!), as do the lines that Bonnie didn't change. The lyrics of these songs are violent, dirty, and all-around nasty, so if you don't like it, you can kiss her ass before you press the "back" button. Characters belong to J. K. Rowling (all hail!). Bonnie Kurtz doesn't claim rights to them, but she does reserve the right to beat your fucking ass if you flame her. Upon reading this, you have agreed not to try this at home.
Bonnie (whispering): Yeah.
Announcer (whispering): Anything else?
Bonnie: Yeah. Don't sue me.
My Name Is
Chorus:
Hi! My name is -
Who?
My name is -
What?
My name is...
(chicka chicka)
James Potter!
Hi! My name is -
What?
My name is -
Huh?
My name is...
(chicka chicka)
James Potter!
(repeat chorus 4x)
Ahem… may I have the attention of the class… for one moment…
Hi kids! Do you like trouble? (Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!)
Wanna see me team up with Black and make the mischief double? (Uh-huh!)
Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did? (Yeah! Yeah!)
Try a prank and fuck it up worse than Snape's life is? (Huh?)
My brain's dead weight; I'm trying to get my head straight
But I can't figure out which Hufflepuff I want to impregnate (Uh…)
And Sirius Black said,
"James, you drank too much mead!"
Uh-uh!
"Then why's your face red? Man, you wasted!"
Well, since age twelve I've felt like I'm someone else
Cause I hung my original self from the top bunk with a belt.
Got pissed off and ripped Arabella's tits off
And cursed her so bad she couldn't even cough (*choking*)
I smoke a fat pound of grass
And fall on my ass faster than the fat bitch who sat down too fast
C'mere, slut -
"Potter, wait a minute, that's my girl dawg!"
I don't give a fuck -
God sent me to piss Hogwarts off
Chorus (repeat 2x)
My Potions teacher wanted to have sex and get high
Only problem was, my Potions teacher was a guy!
I swung hard with an uppercut
So hard he was clutching his gut
And exploded a Dungbomb right in his nuts (Owwww!)
Walked into the common room, used my robes to cover up
Then flashed the first years and stuck my dick in a tip cup
Extraterrestrial, killing pedestrians
Raping Slytherins, while they screaming at me,
"You're girlfriend's a lesbian!"
Ninety-nine percent of my life I was lied to
I just found out that Lily plays more jokes than I do (Damn…)
I told her I'd grow up to be a famous prankster
Open a magic mischief store and name it after her.
You know you're busted when Mrs. Norris comes down the hall
And Filch follows and has you up against the wall (I didn't do it!)
Me and my friends made the Marauder's Map to save the hassle
And then enchanted it so it'd call Snape an asshole.
Chorus (repeat 2x)
Stop the tape! This kid needs to be locked away! (Get him!)
Poppy, don't just stand there, operate!
I had to go into the Willow so Snape wouldn't die
'Cause Sirius almost got him eaten alive.
But even afterwards, I was still despised!
I just drank a fifth of Ogden's - dare me to fly? (Go ahead)
All my life I was very deprived
I ain't had a woman in years
And my palms are too hairy to hide (Whoops…)
Robes rip like the Incredible Hulk
I spit when I talk
I'll prank anything that walks (Mwahaha!)
When I was little I used to get so hungry I would throw fits.
How you gonna breastfeed me Mum? You ain't got no tits! (Waah! Waah!)
I lay awake and strap myself to the bed
With a Shield Charm around me, and curse myself in the head (Bang!)
And I'm steaming mad (rrrr!)
And by the way, if you see my dad? (Yeah?)
Tell him I slit his throat, in this dream I had
Chorus (repeat 2x)
Author's Note: ::shit-eating grin:: Go ahead, flame me. ::prepares her barbecue:: But I'd just like to say that I'm not one of those people who hates gays or thinks women are inferior or whatever. If you're upset about those lines, take it up with Mr. Slim Shady himself, thank you very much.
Flaming guidelines:
1. You must include the word "psilocybin," spelled correctly and preferably in context (eeeeevil grin, because she knows everyone will be running to look it up)
2. You must use at least two different swearwords starting with F, without getting them deleted by the review censor
3. You must use at least three different swearwords that don't start with F, without getting them deleted by the review censor
4. You must include the words "purple soap dish" in a sentence.
5. You must say something about fax machines.
6. You must include every letter in the alphabet.
7. At least five words must be misspelled
8. You must have the number 2,536,640 thrown in somewhere
9. Most important, you must say why this parody deserves your flame.
Honorable mention in whatever I write next to whoever writes the best flame by these guidelines.