The way you see people is the way you treat them, and the way you treat them is what they become. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
You remember when you first moved to New York, on your first day of school. It was a chilly day, but your sister was terrified of the new school and was clinging to you like a blanket on your arm so it wasn't so bad. You remember walking into the school office with your sister and asking about your schedule. Your mom was supposed to be doing this sort of thing, but she was taking your three younger sisters to their elementary school down the block and as the oldest you had to do some things for yourself.
The front desk lady liked your charming smile so she printed out yours and your sister's schedules for you and promised that if you needed any help, you could come straight to her and she would get you sorted. A TA from the office comes along to bring your sister to her class, so you wipe away her tears and tell her that you have a good feeling about this new school. You say that if she's brave you'll take her to get a treat after school and you won't tell mom which puts a smile on her face as she follows the girl down the hall.
The front desk lady points you down the hall to the left to your locker which is right next to your homeroom class. You smile and thank her before you wander down the hall. The hallways are clear since the bell rang a few minutes earlier while you were in the office, so its not hard to find locker 26B. You see a door at the end of the row and you squint at the paper in your hand to confirm that the number above the doorframe matches the one on your schedule. It does.
When you walk in, everyone looks at you right away because as sixth graders, they're all looking for some good reason to be distracted from the lesson. The teacher smiles at you and asks for your name. You hand him your transfer slip.
"It's Charlie, Charlie Gardener."
"Good to have you Mr. Gardener. Pick any empty seat."
You scan the class and see that there's an empty seat in middle of the second row. You can't help but notice the pretty girl with brown hair that sits in the desk in front of you when you sit down. She turns around and smiles the biggest smile you've ever seen and you can't help but smile back.
"Hi! I'm Riley," she says brightly. She's got these huge brown eyes and her smile lights up the room and it makes your stomach feel funny.
"Hi, I'm Charlie, but you already know that— I mean, 'cause I just said it," You chuckle nervously and wonder what could possibly be wrong with you. But she if she notices, she doesn't show it.
"This is Farkle," she tells you, pointing at the boy sitting next to you, but he's too busy reading a book on physics that looks much too advanced for you to notice that his name has been mentioned.
"And this is Maya, she's my best friend!" The blonde girl in question appears to be trying to take a nap on her desk, her arms as her pillow. But she shoots you a lazy peace sign nonetheless which makes you laugh a little.
"So did you just move to New York?" Riley asks. You tell her you actually just moved into your new apartment in Greenwich Village two days ago and she nods emphatically.
"Oh, I live in Greenwich Village! What's your address?" It turns out that the two of you live rather close to each other which she thinks is funny and you can't help but smile because she's smiling and it just seems natural to be happy when she is. She's about to ask where you moved from, but the teacher calls for attention and she turns back around in her seat.
You learn a lot that period, not even just about history even though that's what Mr. Matthews teaches. You also learn that Riley is Mr. Matthews' daughter and that she and her friends are the only ones who really talk in class. Farkle has all the answers, which doesn't surprise you since you got a good look at all the advanced textbooks in his backpack. Maya doesn't answer often, but when she does its usually to get laughs from the class. Riley tries her best to answer, but sometimes she gets too excited and answers too quickly without thinking through her responses. When she gets an answer right, she gets this big happy smile and when she gets one wrong she pouts and furrows her eyebrows while she takes notes on what she was missing. Its cute, she's cute. But you never know what to say to her so you keep quiet and just observe.
…
You keep watching their group. You want to be a part of it, but they're so tight knit you can't find a place to fit yourself in. Farkle has the role of the smart one all to himself and you're sure that if you tried to take Maya's title as rebel she'd break your arm or something. Riley's already the sweet one who tries to help everyone so that isn't an option either even though that's something you could definitely be.
They don't have a funny one or a perfectly charming one you notice. You've never been all that funny, but everyone else seems to think you're pretty charming so why not try that? It's a foolproof plan.
Well, it would be.
If not for your shyness, you'd have perfectly charming in the bag.
But every time you see Riley and Maya chatting by their lockers every scenario you practiced for in your head for how you might join their conversation or introduce yourself smoothly melts away in your mind and you can't think of anything to say. You've discovered that talking to pretty girls does that to you. The group of three sits all around you for crying out loud, why is it so hard for them to notice you? You never try to speak up in class, could that be it?
…
You remember that Riley seemed interested in you when you first got here. Maybe it's just because you were new. But you guess you couldn't hold her interest because you're just an average boy with average height and weight with a decent haircut and average skills in just about everything. There's really only two exceptional things about you: your cute boyish charm and your incredible shyness (which keeps people from seeing your cute boyish charm ironically enough). Why would an extremely sweet, happy, friendly, adorable girl like Riley Matthews give you a second glance when you're just an average guy from Chicago?
…
During the summer you vow that you're going to work up the courage to break into the perfect friendship trifecta of Riley, Maya and Farkle this fateful seventh grade year. You've always had a flair for the dramatic, maybe you could be the dramatic one. You don't really care which one you get to be so long as you manage to make it into the group. You're going to set your plan into action the very first day of school.
Things never work out for you that way though, do they?
You've been sick with the flu for the week leading up to school, and argue as you might, your mom says that you need to stay home one more day to make sure you're completely better. Its alright, you can start tomorrow, no big deal.
You're pretty certain that the world doesn't want anything to work out for you.
Who's that?
Why is he in your seat?
You learn that this new kid's name is Lucas Friar. And it looks like he's going to become the perfectly charming one.
He moved from Austin, Texas and he calls all the teachers sir or ma'am and apparently he had some thing with Riley and Maya on the subway and he's really handsome and muscular looking and all the girls in your class think his eyes are dreamy and he's everything you are, but so much better. It's not fair, but it never is. And on top of all of that, he's in your seat, talking to Riley, Maya and Farkle like it's easy.
So you sit in the back corner where no one will notice you so you can be moody, but it doesn't matter because you bet you could do a tap dance with sparklers at the front of the room and no one would even look up.
…
Riley really likes him. You can hear her and Maya talking about him from your locker. You wish he was a jerk or a player or something so you could hate him, but he honestly seems like such a nice guy. It would be a lot easier if you could hate him.
…
You decide you're going to find a group of friends all your own. That'll show 'em. They should have pounced on the opportunity to have the Charlie Gardener in their group when they had the chance.
You know they won't even notice.
…
You aren't sure when you find them or how they found each other in the first place, but you find a group nonetheless. They can all tell that you're one of those nice guys who won't try to cause drama so they accept you without asking questions.
These new friends have some experience with the Core Four as you're now calling the group of Riley, Maya, Farkle and Lucas. Brandon nominated Farkle for student government and lived in an apartment near Maya, Missy tried to ask Lucas out earlier that year and therefore had some words with Riley, and Billy is on Lucas' baseball team and had some issue with Farkle at some point. You were all different, but you had one thing in common: you had all been basically ignored by the Core Four after a while.
…
You and Billy come up with the name 'The Fly Four' and Billy says that thats what your group should be called. Brandon smirks, but doesn't comment and you suspect that he doesn't care what you call yourselves and just thinks the name is funny. Missy raises and eyebrow and shakes her head and jokingly mumbles something about you and Billy being idiots as she chuckles. But Billy demands that it's going to be a thing and the two of you high five on it.
…
The other three don't seem to care about the drama in the Core Four anymore, but when you hear that Lucas and Riley went out on a date and the Texan was her first kiss, it's a sharp painful reminder that you really like Riley and that she'll never look at you like you look at her.
…
Missy and Billy start dating and you and Brandon discuss whether their ship name should be Milly or Bissy because neither of them sound great. Missy snaps at you two that it doesn't matter what they're called and its stupid of you to care so much. You both just laugh while Billy tries to calm her down with an amused smile plastered to his face.
…
One of Lucas' friends from Texas moves to New York around the beginning of eighth grade. His name is Zay and it looks like he could easily fit into the position of the funny guy in the Core Four and make it the High Five or something. But even though he's best friends with Lucas, it seems like even he can't even really join their group. You invite him into the Fly Four and he accepts with a laugh as you bring him to the lunch table to make introductions.
"'Fly Four' huh? Y'all better make that the 'Skydive Five' 'cause Zay's in the house now." Billy finds this hilariously clever.
"So, guys, this is Zay. He just moved here from Austin. Zay, this is—"
"Missy Bradford, nice to meet you," Missy says as she holds a hand out for him to shake. She's always had a thing about interrupting you, but you don't mind. Zay does something that surprises everyone and kisses her hand, to Billy's annoyance.
"Ah, the bulldozer in a pink sweater herself. Pleased to meet you, sugar." When he winks at her, Billy is quick to stand up and offer his own hand.
"Billy Ross, her boyfriend." Zay's smile lights up and he slaps Billy's hand in a high five.
"You're the other golden boy! My man!" Apparently Lucas's and Billy's secret handshake is something Lucas teaches a lot of his close friends because the former Texan proceeds to perform it with Billy right then and there. He turns to Brandon who hasn't gotten up or even looked at Zay at all the whole time, instead continuing his hyper detailed sketch of a skull in his notebook.
"So you must be Brandon then, right? 'The Rebel'?" Brandon just throws him a weak salute and keeps drawing. But rather than feel snubbed, Zay just sits down and chuckles.
"Yeah, I've never really known how to approach people like you either."
You ask where he got all the nicknames for your friends and smiles widely.
"They're basically just things I picked up from Lucas over the phone. He used to call me after school everyday and just talk about whatever was happening. Maya probably came up with most of them, she's got a thing for nicknames, you know." You nod because you do know.
"You got anything for me?" He scrunches up his nose as he thinks, but ultimately shakes his head.
"Naw, nothin' yet. Don't worry, its only a matter of time before Maya comes up with something."
You don't tell him that Maya will probably never talk to you, much less about you.
…
You find out what Zay meant by not knowing how to approach people like Brandon when The Rebel's older brother Joey almost snaps him in half.
…
You all are soon very aware of the fact that Zay is very interested in the possible implications of Lucas' and Maya's interactions. He told you that he was the 'captain of the Lucaya crew' once, which you found funny. Apparently his 'crew' consists of Yindra, Darby, Sara and a few other kids in your grade. You're pretty sure he notices the way you look at Riley because you've seen him smirking at you when you watch her at lunch for a split second longer than what should be normal. He's supportive since you aren't trying to get in the way of his 'ship.'
…
The semiformal is coming up and you've been monitoring Riley's and Lucas' relationship. She's been waiting for months for him to ask her, but it's the week before and he still hasn't asked. You wonder if this could finally be your chance. When you consult your friends, you get varying kinds of response.
Everyone but Zay is surprised that you even want to ask Riley to the dance.
Billy just tells you to go for it.
Brandon warns you to watch your back because Lucas might get jealous and Farkle has had some claim to Riley since the first grade. He also mentions that Mr. Matthews would get a little crazy whenever Riley liked someone, but apparently he would make a trade if you had cattle.
Missy, however, has a game plan for you. Even though she's had disagreements with Riley and Maya in the past, she wants to help you.
"Well, girls like Riley are all about the big gestures. You've got to show her you're worthy since she's talked to you, what, once?" You nod slowly in agreement.
"Okay, well how do you supposed I'm going to do that?"
"You could do a banner, or that thing where you get a bunch of people to hand her roses until she has a bouquet. Those are tried and true classics," Missy points out.
"You could put balloons in her locker. Riley seems like she's the kind of girl who loves balloons, you feel me?" Billy chimes in. You quirk an eyebrow at him incredulously.
"Yeah? Well how can I do that if I don't know her locker combo?" Billy seems stumped, but then Brandon clears his throat.
"I can take care of that." Part of you wants to ask how he would do that, but you think it's best if you don't know.
"Well this is great and all, but it still needs one final touch," Missy muses, leaning forward to rest on her elbows on the table as she thinks. Suddenly, Zay slaps the table with his hand and his face is split with a grin that spreads from ear to ear.
"I got it. Picture this," he says, leaning forward. He pauses for a moment for effect.
"Yogi on skates." He rocks back in his chair, obviously pleased with himself.
"Won't work. Yogi doesn't know how to skate." We all looked at Missy, hoping for some clarification.
"I invited him to my birthday party at the roller rink last year. It was like a roller derby; people getting knocked down everywhere, getting slammed into walls, the works. The problem is that he can't stay up and when he starts falling he flails like a windmill." The table goes silent as they try to think of a new idea.
"… I could teach him?" You've always been good at rollerskating, but you're not sure what possessed you to volunteer yourself for that. Everyone murmurs their assent soon after and you know you can't take it back now.
"So there's your plan, Gardener. You think you can work up enough courage for this?" Brandon asks. He has a point, you haven't had the courage to talk to her since the beginning to sixth grade, much less ask her out. But you nod quickly, showing much more bravery than you actually have.
…
You learn that Yogi really can't skate.
…
When you set the plan into motion, Riley seems ecstatic. The balloons in her locker instantly put a smile on her face (you don't want to ask Brandon how he did it) and the banner and the roses make her squeal with delight. You're starting to feel pretty confident when Yogi rolls down the hall in his skates (It took him all weekend, but at least he can stay up if you push him from behind).
When you round the corner, you have a bright smile on your face and she says yes before she even sees you. But when she does her face falls quickly and your heart drops in your chest because you realized that she was expecting Lucas because he's practically the only guy she notices in this school and its just not fair. When she starts giving you some crap excuse for why she can't go to the dance your heart is breaking off in little pieces with every word she says and even though you keep your smile wide, it's strained to say the least. Why can't she even consider Charlie Gardener the all around average guy for once? Why is it always all about Lucas Friar the too perfect for his own good guy?
When Lucas walks up behind Riley after hearing that she can't go to the dance, you want to laugh because finally Mr. Perfect isn't getting everything he wants in life, but you're still hurt that she refuses to even really look at you, so you just fake a smile. You try to get in Friar's face a little, but you feel bad for him a little, you really do. He didn't even know you existed in the first place and suddenly you're here trying to steal his girl so none of this is really his fault. But he's still in your way, and if Missy has taught you anything, it's that obstacles are just conveniently placed excuses to knock something down.
So you throw out some cheesy line about sweeping Riley off her feet (because it's all you've got when she's bruised your pride like this) before you excuse yourself to go rescue Yogi who has been struggling to get up from the floor for the past couple of minutes.
…
Zay starts calling you 'Cheese Souffle'.
…
She's at the dance. Of course she is, you knew she would be. She would never miss her eighth grade semiformal, not for the world (she already has the world anyway). But even though you knew she was lying to you before it still hurts now. Luckily, by now you've made friends with Lucas and you realize you both like the same sports and he's trying out for baseball next year just like you (thankfully not for the same position). It's good because you really do feel bad for him, its not his fault he has no idea who you are. You dance with Riley for a while, and you should feel happy, but she keeps looking over at Lucas and it's depressing you a little bit. You still smile like your life depends on it, because Riley is sweet and perfect and wonderful and you don't want her to feel guilty about you.
…
After the dance (when Riley has gone home and your smile can finally fall), you find Brandon outside the gym. You can smell the smoke on him and you can tell he's smoked a few cigarettes out here judging by the ashes and cigarette butts by his feet. But he claps you on the back and makes some attempt to comfort you when you tell him all of what happened and you're glad you have a friend like him, even if your asthma isn't fond of his habits.
…
So you step back for a while once again and watch. You watch Riley fight for the art program (which Lucas seems to be fighting extra hard for). You watch Riley being bullied (which breaks your heart in two because someone doesn't love this?). You watch Riley finally make the cheerleading squad (which makes you decide to go to sporting events more often to cheer her on even if she'll never hear you). You watch, you watch, you watch (which gets old after a while). And when Zay tells you that his ship might be sailing and that Riley decided that she and Lucas were just friends, you decide that you've sat back and watched for long enough. So you decide to make a move the day they return from Texas because gosh darn it, you are not going to wait for something else to happen this time.
You decide to ask her out via note (because you don't think you can take her lying to you or saying no straight to your face again) and when she agrees you're ecstatic. Billy slaps you on the back, Missy squeezes your cheeks and tells you how much you've grown up and Brandon offers a nod of silent approval. You think you're going to join the crew of the 'Lucaya ship' because it means Riley's freed up for you.
…
She doesn't want to date you. You can tell. She doesn't want to go on a date where she talks to you or holds your hand or anything. But you smile tightly and take it, because it's all you're going to get. And when she walks away she doesn't see how your face falls because as far as she knows you're always smiling and you wouldn't want her to think she's doing any harm (even though every fake smile she gives you kills you a little inside).
Lucas is on a date with Maya but he keeps butting in. He has a perfect face, he has athleticism, he has a charming accent, he has Maya, and he had his chance. Why won't he let you have this one date? Why can't he just step back? Why can't she just love you? Why can't she stop comparing you to him (is it about the popcorn and chocolate because you could certainly substitute the licorice out if it means she'd like you)?
You're adorable, how is she not seeing this?
…
You step back for a bit again. But when New Years comes up, you step right back in. Zay warns you that you're entering the stalker zone, but you can't stay away. You always wanted to be part of their group, why couldn't anyone ever see you?
"It's nice how we're all looking at each other…"
You would never fit in anyway.
…
You go to Riley's New Years party. Lucas and Maya might be a thing, you can't really tell, but Lucas is still protective over Riley. You've proven that you really know Riley, but everyone is just looking at you like a creep. And perhaps you are, but it's not your fault that their group is the only thing anyone ever talks about, how could you not know? It's not your fault that you've always faded into the crowd, that was never your intention.
…
"Is that enough?"
"No."
You're not enough for her. You never were. You never will be. You've probably always known that, but you dared to hope. Maybe Maya had a point, hoping causes more pain than it's worth.
"A good relationship needs more, and you deserve more. I'm sorry."
"Don't be."
You still give her your biggest smile because you never want Riley to feel sorry for you (it doesn't matter how much she's killed you in the past two years, you still want her to be as happy as she can be, not guilty). So you smile, oh how you smile. You smile as tight as the gridlock traffic below and swallow your disappointment as much as you can. You smile so wide but it never reaches your eyes because if she looked at you hard enough, she would see every time she has brushed you aside or forgotten you playing painfully behind your irises. But she'll never look that hard. She can barely look at you at all right now.
So you fade to the background once more because it's what she's always seen you as anyway. You look back every chance you get, but she'll never turned around.