Memoirs

(I am, sadly, in no way associated with BioWare,

except in the way I am a loving fan... Here's to ME2, where you

can finally show Garrus the love were were all feeling in the first..)

Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep

"Do not stand at my grave and forever weep.
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and forever cry.
I am not there. I did not die.

-Author Unknown"

Shepard stared at her sullen crew mates. Even Wrex seemed unusually sober. She couldn't help but wonder if it was because Ashley was dead, or the cure for the genophage was destroyed. She had little hope it was the former.

The poem seemed appropriate, but it seemed to have a negative effect on her friends. She was now regretting it. How could she? Sure, Ash loved poetry, and the poem was saying she lived on. But what did Shepard expect? Her lip threatened to tremble, but she forced it down. Tears were whispering in her eyes, but she didn't listen.

"Ash would've loved it." Kaiden said. His voice was hurt.

Shepard blinked back tears. She nodded, quickly retreating to her room. Things blurred with tears, but it was okay to cry in her room.

She didn't hear the door slide open, or her visitor quickly come in. She jumped when a talon rested on her shoulder.

"I thought it was very fitting." Garrus' voice sounded.

"Yeah?" Shepard's voice was broke, squeaky, but there was nothing she could do about it. Besides, it was Garrus. He'd been with her the whole time. He was the person she was closest to on this ship, and seeing is how she was in a sorta-kinda-relationship with Kaiden, that was saying something.

"You look like you could use a...what's the human term- hug?"

"Thank you." She took him up on his offer immediately. He was warm, and his arms were the right length. She felt safe, for a few moments. She let go before the hug became improfessional.

"You're lucky." She said, wiping her eyes. Garrus watched interestedly.

"Why?"

"You can't cry. You don't have to worry about breaking down in front of... anyone."

"You're lucky."

"What?" Shepard laughed brokenly.

"You can cry. You don't have to search for another outlet."

"I suppose. But it would be convenient to look strong all the time." she tried not to lean back on him.

"Maybe. Shepard, it's okay to cry. She was like your sister."

Tears started flowing again.

"I'm sorry!" He said, panicking at her sudden outburst.

"It's not your fault. Thanks, Garrus."

"Commander...I... it was a hard choice. Many people would have hesitated so long, no one would have been saved. You did what you could."

"Garrus, after all of this is over... I want you to be a Spectre. I think you would do good. I'll put in a good word for you. But, with my influence, it would be better if I said I didn't trust you." she laughed sadly.

"Take some time to rest. If you need anything... another hug, some.. consolation.. I'm only five minutes away. Call me, and I'll be here." He patted her shoulder and began to leave.

When the door opened, Shepard grabbed his hand, "Wait... I want that hug now."

Nobody was looking. Nobody except Kaiden. When Shepard caught his eyes, he looked away. Shepard wasn't sure if he was angry or jealous. He never said anything about it, though.

…

Garrus' chest was shuddering under his armor. He couldn't make tears. No tear ducts. He seemed stoic. He couldn't project the proper amount of grief, so he killed any emotion on his face. Turians that came to pay respects could say he didn't even care. They wouldn't see his pain. He kept his breathing shallow. Controlled.

He stared down at the empty coffin. It seemed surreal.

Her picture and flowers that resembled the smell on her hair. Garrus would never smell that again. Had it been too much to let the Commander finish out things? Or to see him one last time? Send one last mail?

Kaiden came to the coffin side, a few feet away from Garrus. There was a frame in his hand, and Garrus assumed it was another picture of the group, or one just of the two of them. An intimate picture, of her smiling and living and laughing.

Kaiden looked...empty. Garrus imagined that's what he looked like, too. Like his being had been torn to pieces, and handed back to him. Allowing him to feel the pain, but not the satisfaction of knowing all of the pieces were there. With a look of... some unknown emotion, the two men stared at each other for a long moment before Kaiden left.

He took a curious look to the frame. If it was a good picture, he would ask for a copy to keep for himself. He was shocked to find words instead of a picture. And the words hit home with him. His heart stirred, painfully, when he realized why the words seemed familiar. Shepard had read them to everyone after Ashley Williams had died.

His eyes focused on the last two lines.

Do not stand at my grave and forever cry.
I am not there. I did not die.

For the first time in Garrus' life, he was glad he could not cry.