Hey people. I'm dervishgirl typing this story up for my cousin, FredGiirrll. You know her. This is the story she came up with one night with me filled with chocolate cake, cans of Coca Cola, and just randomness. There are racist comments (and I am NOT racist! Just so you know.) I am so sorry. But none the less, we hope you enjoy. And this story belongs to FredGiirrll!!
Disclaimer: I (and this is FredGiirrll/Sierra here) do not own anything Harry Potter. I do not own Professor Binns. Or Sherlock Holmes. Or China. Or StarWars.
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"Alright class, settle down, settle down. I said SETTLE DOWN!!!" screamed the ghost teacher, Professor Binns . He cleared his throat to speak again. "I'm going to give a lecture and you are going to listen. And take notes."
Everyone got out their parchment and quils.
"Once upon a glorious or not so glorious time long ago, in a land far far away….
"In 1822, there was born a man named Sherlock Holmes. He was a good wizard. And if you're thinking about the stupid, muggle, detective man, you're wrong. 'Cause that guy was trying to find out about us wonderful wizards but he was so stupid, he didn't even knew we exist, which is kinda dumb, 'cause he's trying to find out about us, which doesn't make any sense because he's stupid and dumb.
"Well, nevermind about that, he isn't important. This lesson is about the MAGICAL Sherlock Holmes. Okay, so, the awesome Sherlock Holmes. He was a writer about sexual preference. He wrote several books. Also, in the muggle word, he was a nude model. He was very famous in both worlds. But one day, he was in a automobile. A Ford automobile. Well, he was being stupid and was looking out the window on his right. He was looking at a cat running across the stream. And, well…he heard a loud CRUNCH, but he paid no attention to it. So he just kept driving on. Idiot. He ran into a brick wall and dented the left side of his head. After the accident, Martha Stewart, his wife at the time, was so uber depressed that her husband looked so incredibly mutated. So Martha Stewart and her fifteen chinchillas decided to scadaddle out of Sherlock's miserable, little, microscopic life.
"So the next day, Sherlock decided to meet up with his ex-girlfriend, Helga Hopekin. And before you knew it, they were married and living in a house. And let me tell you something….Helga was mutated too. By many people, she was believed to be a guy. But she wasn't. Surprise, surprise. And it probably wasn't a good idea that they had seven children. But they did. *sigh* Let me get this straight. Two of the kids looked normal. But the others were very different….heh heh….some of them, like four or five of them, had brains in their stomachs, and hearts in their feet.
"But the seventh child was the worst child of all. She had no arms. She wrists and hands, but they were on her boo-tay. Her legs were on her shoulders, and the rest of her body was fine. Ok.
"You still awake? Still there? Ok, good. Moving on….
"Ok, so….the kids were so ashamed, though they shouldn't have been. They all went to war. The GOBLIN WAR (Author's Note: say with very dramatic effect). It was the witches and wizards against the goblins war. The goblins massecred the magical people. At the very end of the war, they found the Holme's children. They thought they looked so incredibly attrocious, they'd put them out of they're misery, 'cause everybody hated them anyway for no good reason. Well, the goblins took them to their camp and…well….kinda burned them. Rumor has it they tasted just like chicken.
"So well, as you can see, you would think that the Ministry of Magic would be kinda pissed off about the goblins massecreing. Well, I would be, at least. So, like any other wimpy Ministry of Magic, they ran for it! With goblins chasing after them with pitchforks!
"Over the next several years, the goblins ruled Europe. And so, the Ministry decided they'd use the muggles airplane things to bomb everywhere owned by the MASS MURDERING MIDGETS!
"So with a few bombs, they killed most of the goblins and the wizards and witches started moving back to Europe. Man….I make it sound so easy. (Author's Note: Don't try the following at home, folks.) And so, with all the bombing going on, they decided to be fair and blamed it all on China—DUN DUN DUN! (No offense to China. I was high off sugar. I love China!) Now, I got myself 'd think China would be pretty P. right? So Europe didn't want to get bombed again and all the people getting killed—they went to go kill all them instead!
"Uh-huh, that's right! You heard me! They went and BOMBED them instead! Boo-yah! ( That's actually kinda cruel. we are not that mean gosh)
"Now, back to Sherlock….
"Since they refered him to a dumb dog, they were going to put him down anyways, so it didn't really matter that they blew him up. He's a ghost now.
"All his family died, even Martha Stewart, in the BOMBS GALORE! BOOM BOOM!
"And that's the end of Sherlock the Flat Face."