READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTE TO REALLY APPRECIATE THE STORY!
I just got home from dinner at my parents' house and I had to share tonight's festivities with you because I could totally see all this happening at a Manoso/Plum/Merry Men family dinner, it's freaky. My sister is pregnant with her second child and her little family was there along with me and my boyfriend, my six cousins, and my four best guy-friends from high school, and my sister's ex-boyfriend. So that's 16 people roughly, some were in and out. My brother-in-law was on tour in Iraq (Navy SEAL) during my sister's first pregnancy so he had no idea about my sister's hormonal swings. Well let's just say, tonight he was enlightened. It's just too good to change so the only differences in the real life situation and my story are the names and minor details for accuracy. Even the Spanish was really part of it (I'm half Cuban). I will so lovingly be playing the role of Valerie, my sister as Stephanie. This was dinner tonight. Enjoy ;)
Warnings: Rated R for language and Jersey attitude.
"I want a donut."
"Babe, you just ate four pieces of chocolate cake. You shouldn't eat a donut. We'll get you one for breakfast."
"What the hell is wrong with wanting a donut?"
"There's nothing wrong with it. I just can't see how you'd possibly be able to hold anymore food in your stomach."
"So I'm a whale Carlos? Is that what you're saying?"
"No, Babe. You are not a whale. You're beautiful. I just don't think you're actually going to be able to eat a donut. Aw, Steph please don't cry."
"You think I'm a whale!"
"Ranger, why the hell did you have to make her cry? Stress isn't good for the baby."
"Like I did this on purpose, Lester. She's going to throw up if she eats a donut."
"I will not throw up! And why do you care? You're whale of a wife is the one that has to walk around with a boulder protruding out of her stomach."
"Easy, Shamu. If you don't stop yelling you're going to go into premature labor."
"Valerie! That is not helping!"
"Oh, relax Mom. She's going to wake up the dead."
"Shut the fuck up, Val. I'm the whale here and my husband hates me."
"Babe, I don't hate you. Where the hell did you get that idea?"
"Hola, todos. Qué falté?" (Hello, everybody. What did I miss?)
"Carlos thinks I'm a whale. Hector, am I a whale?"
"Absolutamente no. No eres una ballena. Eres hermosa." (Absolutely not. You are not a whale. You are beautiful.)
"Thank you, Hector."
"I just said the exact same thing!"
"But Carlos, you think I'm a whale."
"I do not think you're a whale."
"Mommy, why are you crying?"
"Because Daddy thinks I'm a whale, Mateo."
"Mommy is not a whale! Daddy, that was mean."
"Mi niño, I did not say Mommy is a whale."
"What the hell is going on here?"
"Nice of you to show up, Bobby."
"I'm sorry Mrs. Plum. Traffic. So why the hell are you crying Steph? Did someone hurt you? I'll kill them."
"She's crying because Ranger denied her a donut, and put that knife back in your pants. I do not want my grandson seeing you slice and dice anybody at my dinner table."
"Sorry, Mrs. Plum."
"Ése es porqué estás gritando? Jesus Christo, Ranger. Tienes un deseo de muerte?" (that is why you are crying? Jesus Christ, Ranger. Do you have a death wish?)
"no tengo un deseo de muerte, Hector. ¿Qué estás hablando?" (I don't have a death wish, Hector. What are you talking about?)
"Speak English."
"Can it, Brown."
"He said, 'I don't have a death wish, Hector. What are you talking about?'"
"Thanks, Val. Ranger, what in God's name would possess you to tell her she couldn't have a donut? Bombshell, please stop crying."
"I don't understand what the big deal is. It's just a fucking donut!"
"Carlos, we've done this before, trust us. It's not just a fucking donut. She's pregnant. It's a life or death situation."
"How can a donut be a life or death situation, Tank?"
"Oh, you have no idea. When you were gone, we had nine different bakeries on speed dial. They knew us each by name after month three."
"Hence the name Shamu."
"Shut up, Val!"
"Albert, control your woman."
"No can do."
"Babe, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on. You are not a whale and if you want a donut, I'll go buy you as many as you want. Just please, mi amor, stop your tears."
"Carlos the damage is done. You think I'm a whale. I'm a horrible wife! I was remotely attractive when you married me. Now I give Shamu a run for his money."
"No, Babe. Come on. Let's go get you a donut."
"Manoso, you make my daughter cry one more time I'll slit your throat."
"Frank, go back to your mashed potatoes. Stephanie, honey, he doesn't think you're a whale. Stop crying."
"Wait, so she was like this with Mateo?"
"Everyday man, everyday. But we didn't make her cry."
"For the last fucking time, Bobby, can it."
"Joe, you're here!"
"Hello, Mrs. Plum. Manoso. Hey, Cupcake! Why are you crying?"
"Daddy said Mommy is a whale."
"You said WHAT!?"
"Take it easy, Morelli. I didn't call her a whale."
"He didn't call her a whale."
"Lester, stay out of this. Cupcake, he called you a whale?"
"Well, no. Not really. But he thinks it. Ugh, Cal or Ram can you please get Mateo off of the mantle. He's trying to get to Grandma's urn again."
"Manoso, I am not above putting a bullet through your ass. Why did you make her cry?"
"Dices que un más palabra y yo te dividiremos así que no podrán reconocer tu cuerpo." (You say one more word and I will carve you up so they will not be able to recognize your body.)
"Hector! My son can understand you!"
"Lo siento."
"What? What did he say?"
"You don't want to know, Joseph. Listen, why don't I make you a plate."
"Babe, come on. Let's get you home. We'll stop off and get you two dozen donuts. I'll even eat a few."
"You will? For me?"
"Of course. I love you enough to eat donuts, Babe. I'd do anything for you. "
"Oh Carlos, I love you so much. You're so perfect."
"I love you too, Steph. Mateo, put your pants back on and kiss your grandmother goodbye."
"I don't want to wear pants."
"Mateo. Tienes dos segundos para poner tus pantalones mueves hacia atrás encendido. Más allá de ése, estás en el territorio peligroso, soldado." (Mateo. You have two seconds to put your pants back on. Past that, you are in dangerous territory, soldier.)
"Goodbye everybody. Thanks for dinner, Mom."
"See ya, Shamu."
"Jesus Christ, Valerie. Look, she's crying again. I swear I wish I could still spank you."
Why my family hasn't been put on television yet is beyond me. My poor brother-in-law lol. So yeah, basically the entire time all of this was going on I kept thinking how probable it is that this would go on at a Plum/Manoso/Merry Men family function.