Chapter one: When we were happy

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or anything- Stephanie Meyer does! :)

The images, clear and as vivid as if I were right there, during the happier times, when her heart was not broken, or my heart-or whatever it is we have- was ripped into shreds, flash through my mind. Her. the bane of my existence and the reason for it. I guess that if I didn't love her so much, even now, I would be trying to blame all of this on her. what if, what if… that is what should have been going through my mind. Instead, just everything I had experienced with her.

I had seen her across the cafeteria, when I first saw her at school. As the months went by, I had fallen hopelessly in love with Bella Swan. She had become my life, and then, with my emotionless, cruel face, hiding a shattering soul, breaking into little tiny, jagged pieces as I summoned up every ounce of resolve I had, just to obtain the strength to hurt her.

I had seen her face, over the previous couple of days. I, with my blank stare and lacking my usual enthusiasm, looked at her confused one. I could see that she had believed every moment, that my lie was hurting her, but I had come to the conclusion, the night after her disastrous birthday party, that in order for her to lead a normal life, without my family or my constant danger.

Mike Newton, Tyler, Eric, those were people, who, after Bella fell on glass and started to bleed could have held her hand. They didn't have to hold their breath and remove themselves from the room in order to refrain from murdering the one they love. I was too dangerous. If I had been one second slower, she would have ended up dead, neck snapped, or, if Jasper had been removed quickly enough, one of us. I would not have subjected her to that.

I see her now, even months after the event, looking at me with eyes, that although I cannot read her thoughts, clearly shone with unabashed love, and something else akin to worry. I had thought this through; my family had already left, with Bella under the impression that they were just away for a little bit.

I told Bella that I didn't love her anymore, and that I didn't want her. I could see, plainly in her eyes, that she believed me, and when she said,

"You don't want me? Well- that changes things."

I could hear the tears in her voice, and it tore me apart. This pain, that I was inflicting on her, would leave as time went on. I had assured myself of that. Human wounds heal over time. And one day, when her wound was healed and she had moved on, she would say yes to someone, someone human. Someone who could kiss her, without having to move away. Surely she would have people who would give her those opportunities, her being the beauty that she is.

Yes, I told myself. This was what Bella needed, what is best for her, even if she doesn't want it.

I could see in her eyes, and I knew that she wouldn't move on. I could see the hurt in her eyes, the pure agony, when I said those words.

"It will be as it I never existed."

I could see the pain reverberate through her. And I knew, even then, that that was a pointless promise. I could take away all physical reminders. My gifts, my pictures, but she would never forget. She would hold on, no matter what it cost her. I could see that she would cling to my memory for as long as her human mind could. She had always been a stubborn girl.

I asked her to stay safe, to take care of herself. She agreed readily, because even through what I was doing to her, she would still do whatever I asked. how did I deserve her?

I had never deserved Bella. I knew that, I had known that all along. Why didn't she run? That could have saved us all this pain. And yet she thought she didn't deserve me. What an odd world we live in. where twisted minds seduce vulnerable ones, and sweet, innocent, kind, beautiful, unselfish people fall for the murders. I am a murderer. And she is the best of humanity.

She asked me if I would forget. I told her, vampires are easily distracted. And then I left, after a quiet goodbye, her arms stretched towards me, in her eyes, agony. Her eyes were swimming with the tears, that she refused to shed.

It was torture. Leaving her like that. It has been months, and now, all I can do is curl up in a ball and let the anguish have me.

I told her I had distractions.

I laugh internally, a cruel, merciless laugh, saddened and depressed from these previous months.

I miss her, with the entirety of my mind and my body.

I will leave soon, beg her to come take me back. I will get one my knees and literally beg, because I just cannot take this anymore. I feel that this agony, this torture, is too much to bear. Turning into a vampire was nothing compared to this. This does not cease after a couple of days. It gets worse. Worse and worse until all you can feel is the pain, until your entire mind is engulfed, and nothing matters anymore.

I am walking through the streets of Rio. All around me, people are laughing, young lovers and kissing on the corners, those long in love, holding hands. That is what it should have been like for me. I should have had that, Bella should have that, and all I wish is that it could have been with me for those moments. I would have given anything at all to be human, just so I cold be with her without having to hold back when I kiss her, or not pose any threat.

I know, that even if I come back to her, and plead with her to take me back, she will not. I broke her heart, why would she ever forgive me? I cannot even forgive myself.

My family would be happier though. They all miss me dearly, and I miss them immensely as well. I just cannot go back. I am ashamed, of the mess that I have become. They told me that it would not do either of us good, if I left. I wanted to believe them, to give myself a good reason to stay, to appease them, and to keep me sane.

How I wish, now, that I had taken their advice.

I think back to the happier era, the one where I would spend the nights in Bella's room, her head resting against my chest, like a pillow, though I know my chest is hard and cold. It could not have been very comfortable. I would leave in the morning, change, and get my car. The usual. And we were beyond happy.

Look at me now.