The Trouble with Flat Cats, a hawaii five-0 fanfic

Hawaii Five-0 is property of CBS and its creators. Other works borrowed belong to their respective owners. No copyright infringement intended.

A/N: I'm calling this series the Xeno-files and have a few more planned. ;) Hope you enjoy!

"Five-0, prepare to be boarded!"

The five team members stormed the ship that had just landed on Aloha Station, the colony of New Hawaii's spaceport and capitol, arresting the smugglers before they could make a break for it. "Book 'em, Danno!" the leader, Lt. Commander Steve McGarrett, Earthborn Alliance SEAL (Space, Air and Land—adapted from the old Earth naval special forces), Reserves, shouted.

Detective Danny Williams, formerly of Aloha Station Police Department, transfer from Capitol Station Police Department on the Earthborn Alliance's flagship space station, shoved his captive into the waiting arms of ASPD. "How many times have I told you not to call me that?" he asked, disgruntled.

"Whatever, Danno," Steve said cheerfully.

"Hey, guys," Lou Grover called, "if you're done bickering, come give us a hand!"

Steve and Danny made their way to the cargo bay of the ship where Lou and the remaining two team members, Kono Kalakaua and Chin-Ho Kelly, were dealing with the alien species the smugglers were smuggling. Steve was relieved to see there didn't seem to be any large carnivores among them—the scratches he'd gotten from the Centaurian wolf (which made the old Earth wolf look like a Chihuahua) were still healing.

Chin scanned the manifest. "Nothing too dangerous. Mostly poisonous plants and small animals. Mostly from Altair 9."

"Figures," Danny said. "They grow 'em nasty there." He peered into one of the crates. A furry disk with pointy ears, a long tail, and whiskers peered back. He poked a finger at it. "What's this?"

Kono batted his hand away. "Watch it! It probably bites!"

"No, I don't think so." Chin peered at his tablet. "Says here it's an Altairian flat cat."

"What's a flat cat?" Danny wanted to know.

"That," Kono said helpfully, pointing at the tabby-striped bit of fluff.

Danny cast a withering look at the former space-boarder. "I can see that. What does it do?"

Chin typed rapidly into his tablet and pulled up the species description. "Nothing much. Says here they mostly sit on your lap and purr." On cue, the creature started rumbling. Danny guessed you could consider it a purr.

"So it's a Gumbie Cat," he said. Four pairs of eyes stared at him blankly. "Never mind."

"So, why is it being smuggled?" Kono asked. "Seems harmless enough."

Chin consulted his tablet again. "Says they're an invasive species."

"But there's only one," Kono said.

"Maybe they had a buyer who wanted a breeding pair," Lou suggested.

"Whatever," Steve said dismissively. "Let's get these to the proper authorities."

Most of the species were easily off-loaded. Five-0 had been specifically tasked by the governor of New Hawaii with dealing with smuggling through the colony and Aloha Station. The colony was situated on several major trade routes, but it was remote and fairly new, so enforcement by Earthborn Alliance agencies was spotty, leaving plenty for Five-0 to do. Therefore, they had long list of agencies that dealt with various foreign species. They couldn't find anyone to take the flat cat, however.

"We'll just take it back to headquarters until we figure out what to do with it," Kono said. Danny suspected she was getting attached to the thing, which seemed like a very bad idea. If it was on a smuggler's ship, Danny didn't think it was that harmless. He was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"I don't think that's a very good idea," Danny said. "Who knows what it will do?"

"I agree," Steve said. "We'll call Customs and Immigration and they can take care of it."

"It'll still take a while for them to come get it," Kono pointed out. "What harm is it going to do if it just sits and purrs? It's not like just one of them is going to take over the station. Beside, it'll be in a cage."

Steve eyed her suspiciously. He wouldn't put it past her to sneak it out of the cage to cuddle. "Fine," he relented. "Just see that it stays there."

"And don't get it wet," Danny added.

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Danny found the flat cat on his desk when he came back from lunch the next day. He knew Kono wouldn't keep it in its cage. It figured it would go wandering the office, but why did it have to end up on his desk? He just hoped it hadn't eaten his paperwork.

Danny picked it up to return to Kono with a strict admonition to keep it in its cage. He frowned. The coloring seemed lighter, and it looked smaller than he remembered. Must be the light. Danny couldn't help the niggling feeling, though, that this was Not Good.

Danny carefully carried the creature across to Kono's office. "I thought Steve told you to keep it in its cage."

Kono looked puzzled. "What do you mean? Jenny's on my lap." She scooted back to show that the flat cat was, indeed, on her lap, purring as advertised.

"Congratulations. You looked it up. I'm proud of you. So where did this one come from?"

"There's two?" Kono guessed.

Danny glared at her as Steve came up behind him. He, too, was holding a flat cat. This one was more black than gray. "Three," Steve said grimly.

Chin appeared in the door. His didn't have any black at all. "Four."

"Five." Lou's was clearly smaller than the others.

"This is definitely Not Good," Danny said.

"Well, now we know why there was only one," Lou said. "It was pregnant."

"She," Kono corrected.

"It," Steve said firmly. "We are not assigning personality traits to it."

Kono looked guilty.

"What did you do?" Steve demanded.

"I might have named it Jenny," Kono said in a small voice.

Steve stalked over to her desk and snatched "Jenny" off her lap. "That's it. They're going in cages in the store room right now, and we're locking the door."

Kono looked disappointed but didn't protest.

"At least there's only five," Lou said.

"I wouldn't be so sure," Chin said. "I was doing research. They reach sexual maturity in about a day. And gestation is only about a day."

Danny did some quick calculations. "Which means these could have babies—kittens, whatever—tomorrow. And, assuming 4 is an average litter, we'd have 20." He glared at Kono some more. "I told you not to get it wet."

"At least they'll be contained," Lou pointed out.

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Danny, pessimist that he was, should have known it wouldn't be that easy. He was in Steve's office when Governor Denning called.

"Commander," the governor began, "I am well aware that you confiscated an Altairian flat cat and have been having trouble returning it to proper authorities."

Steve gulped. Did the governor know about the sudden proliferation of flat cats? Surely not. To his knowledge, none of them had told anyone. Steve had even made Lou swear not to relate it to his wife and kids as an amusing anecdote. Besides, the creatures were safely locked away in the storage room. Weren't they? Steve was starting to get a Bad Feeling about this.

"Customs and Immigration will be here to claim them—er, it—the day after tomorrow. In the meantime, we have it well under control."

"Then may I ask why you found it necessary to bring the thing to my office?"

Steve and Danny exchanged panicked looks. Neither of them had brought any of the flat cats to the governor's office, and they were pretty sure none of the others had, either. "Your office?" Steve squeaked.

"Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about," the governor said sternly. "My secretary found it on my desk this morning. You could have at least had the decency to put it in a cage. My secretary had to dig one up."

Oh, boy, this was definitely Not Good. "We'll be right there," Steve promised.

"Chin, check the flat cats!" Steve shouted as he and Danny sprinted out of the office. They didn't wait for a reply as they tore through the station's corridors towards the governor's office. Steve's phone rang just as they got there. Steve put it on speaker. "Yeah, Chin, what've you got?"

"The flat cats escaped," Chin said grimly.

Uh-oh, Danny thought. "Are there any left in the store room?"

"Three," Chin confirmed.

Steve breathed a sigh of relief. "So, that means we only have two to track down, and one of them's in the governor's office. We're picking it up right now."

"Hate to say it, brah," Chin said, "but you've got more than that."

Bad Feeling confirmed. "How do you know?" Steve asked.

"Because one of these is all black, and one of them has white tips on its ears and tail. None of the ones from yesterday looked like that."

"So, they gave birth overnight," Danny said.

"'Fraid so, brah."

"So, how many flat cats are in a litter?" Steve asked.

"Largest recorded litter is nine," Chin said. "Average is four to six."

"So, we're talking maybe as many as 50 flat cats," Danny said. "Where did they all go?"

"Let's find out," Steve said grimly.

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"Here you go, gentlemen." Governor Denning handed over the cage containing the flat cat with a flourish. This one had a solid black tail and ears and stripes over the rest of its body. Nope, not one of the originals either. So Not Good, Danny thought. "I'm still uncertain what you expected me to do with it."

Steve looked guilty. "It, um, kind of. . . escaped," he admitted. He still wasn't going to tell Governor Denning there was more than one.

Governor Denning raised an eyebrow. "I see. But how did it get all the way to my office?"

Steve was about to say he didn't know when something dropped from the ceiling vent onto the governor's desk. Sure enough, it was a flat cat. Well, that answered that question.

The governor's eyebrow went even higher. "I wasn't aware you confiscated more than one."

"We didn't," Steve said. "It, um, it was pregnant. And gave birth."

Danny didn't think Governor Denning's eyebrow could go any higher, but it did. "I see. And how many did it give birth to?"

"Four."

"So there are five flat cats on Aloha Station. And just how many of them are loose?"

Steve wouldn't look at the governor. "We're not sure."

"You're not sure?!" The governor's voice was starting to rise. "How hard is it to keep track of four flat cats?"

"There, um, there appear to be more," Steve said in a small voice.

"More?!" Governor Denning was definitely about to unleash the Wrath of God on Steve and Danny. "How did that happen?! And how many more?"

"We think the kittens—um, offspring—gave birth, too," Steve explained. "They escaped before we knew it. We estimate no more than 50."

"Fifty?!"

"Maybe less," Steve hastened to add.

The governor laid his hands flat on his desk, rage barely contained. "Well, get them back, gentlemen. NOW!"

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Five-0 enlisted the help of the maintenance staff to help track down the flat cats, but somehow it was Danny who ended up crawling through the ventilation system looking for them. Five more had turned up in various offices in the government wing (and several people had been very reluctant to give them up. Apparently, most people thought they were cute. Danny didn't see the appeal). Seven, including the three still in the storeroom, had been found hiding in various nooks and crannies of Five-0's offices. Two more showed up in Governor Denning's office. So far, Danny had found 10 lurking in the ventilation system. He was just grateful the government wing's system was self-contained and he didn't have to go crawling all over the station after the little buggers.

Danny was grumbling to himself, sweeping his flashlight from side to side, when a high-pitched squeak sounded beneath his knee. Great, he'd crawled on one. "Got another one," he told Chin over his comm.

"Okay, brah, we'll come get it," Chin replied. "Where are you?"

Danny gave his location. "Good, you're almost done. Hopefully you got all of them."

Danny sincerely hoped so.

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Danny returned to the office to find the rest of the team loading cages of flat cats onto a large hand truck. It was pretty full, and only about half the cages were loaded. "Just how many were there, anyway?" Danny asked.

"Final count is 27," Chin said. "At least I hope it's final. We haven't had any more calls and haven't seen any more lurking about. Maintenance finished their sweep of the wing and said it's clear."

"Ventilation system's clear, too," Danny said. "What are we going to do with them all?"

"Governor Denning has generously agreed to let Five-0 use the freezer in his personal kitchen to store the flat cats until Customs and Immigration arrives," Steve said with a smirk.

Danny chuckled. "I bet he was thrilled with that."

Steve shrugged. "He agreed it was best to keep them in this wing, just in case, so there wasn't much choice."

"Is that going to stop them from breeding?" Danny asked.

"It should," Chin said. "Freezing apparently halts the gestation process and causes any babies to be reabsorbed."

Danny heaved a sigh of relief. "Thank god."

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The time until Customs and Immigration came for the flat cats passed without incident. Fortunately, no one had found any strays Five-0 and maintenance had missed. Danny watched as the cages with the still-frozen flat cats were loaded on a ship. He watched the ship take off, carrying the flat cats. He happily waved good-bye. He wasn't going to miss the little pests.

Danny made his way back to the office and stopped dead in his doorway. There on his desk, sitting on his paperwork and purring happily, was Jenny (Danny was pretty sure he recognized the original's markings). "KONO!"

She appeared, looking guilty. "Sorry, Danny. She must have gotten out."

Danny was incensed. "What is she doing here in the first place? I thought we got rid of them all."

"Customs said I could keep one, as long as I was careful. I have to freeze it every night and make sure it never comes in contact with any others. They said if I did that, it should be fine."

Danny felt like strangling whatever Customs official had talked to Kono. He just knew this was going to end in disaster.

Kono seemed to read his mind. "It's just one, Danny. How much trouble could she be?"

Danny was afraid he was going to find out.

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A/N: Undying admiration to anyone who gets all the references! I'll post a comment with them after people have had a chance to guess.

A/N: Anybody want to draw me a flat cat ;) ? Or a Centaurian wolf? Or any other alien critter you'd like me to write about? Ideas welcome. You can send them to StBridgetff at gmail. Create your own gmail account with your screen name if you want to be anonymous. Just put something easily identifiable in the subject, like "Flat Cat" or "Fan fiction" or H50 or Xeno-files. If I get some good ones, I'll do a facebook page (yeah, I know I could go over to AO3, but I still need a place to put them, and this is just easiest).

A/N: My world building's a little weak, and I apologize. That's what I get for jumping right in in the middle. I tried to do an origin story, but it was either radically divergent, which I didn't want, or a rehash of the first episode in space, which I also didn't want. Basically, my world follows canon very loosely. The Earthborn Alliance is the organization comprised of the colonies and stations populated by humans who left Earth, about 200-400 years ago. Danny is a transplant from a much more urban place (Capitol Station, the capitol of the Alliance, kind of like DC. I decided not to go as specific as New Jersey and just make him from the center of the Alliance in general). He followed Rachel and Grace when Rachel married Stan, who is a developer on New Hawaii. I'm going back to the crummy apartment days, and Danny lives in a tiny apartment on a bad part of the station. Steve's back story is pretty much the same-came home to avenge his father's death and ended up staying to head the task force. He has a small house in one of the older settlements on the planet (50-100 years. In my world, New Hawaii is just starting to be developed in the last 50 years). Chin and Lou have the same general back stories as the show, as does Kono, only she's a space boarder in my world, which I envision as kind of like a surfer in the air. I haven't figured out the Camaro yet. Maybe Danny will have to keep it at Steve's on the planet. Steve drives it all the time anyway. :)