A Life in Letters Chapter 1 - Elsa, a frozen fanfic

A Life in Letters

This is just a one-shot idea that came to me while riding my horse and thinking about Frozen (story of my life). Elsa thinks of her life in letters. Thanks for reading.

Edit: Now I'm wondering if I shouldn't do Anna as well?

SpicedGold

She remembered sitting on her father's lap, paging through a book. Each page depicted a letter and a word, and so she had learnt the alphabet. 'A' was for apple. 'B' was for bear. The world of words was just a combination of those letters, all of them arranged in a unique way. Words were like snowflakes, the letters were the snow. Elsa wondered what her life would look like in letters now.

Arendelle - It made sense that this was the first letter of the alphabet, because it belonged to the first thing Elsa thought of when she thought of herself. She was ruler of Arendelle. It was hers, and she was its. They both depended on each other to define themselves. They were intertwined. Queen Elsa of Arendelle. That was the first facet of who she was.

Beauty – She saw it in her powers. It was impossible to miss. She didn't see it in herself. She didn't see it at the coronation. She saw it in her Ice Palace, it formed around her in breath-taking shapes and spirals. She saw her soul in that Palace, and she finally saw the beauty both inside and outside of her. And letting that tension go had shown her the beauty in the rest of the world. She had a fresh perspective on the world. Sometimes the beauty would hide behind the monster she occasionally thought she was, but most of the time, when she caught sight of herself, she would smile. She really was 'beautifuller'.

Chocolate – there were happy parts to her life now, and who she was. There was an escape in chocolate, a reminder of better times. There was laughter and family mixed into the treat. There was a giddy sort of fun to chocolate, a reprieve from being herself. And, almost always, where there was chocolate, there would also be Anna. Chocolate also meant closeness.

Doors – They could be open or closed. They were internal or external. The external doors had opened on her coronation. The internal doors had only opened later. Except for any door Anna knocked on. While Elsa had to keep the external doors closed, against all pleas and requests (Elsa, do you wanna build a snowman?), every time Anna knocked, the internal door would swing open. On the North Mountain, all her doors had opened, and Anna had been the first person inside.

Eternity – Eternity meant a few different things, encompassed a few different facets of her life. Eternal winter had been short lived, and that had pleased her, looking back on it. Because winter was death, and eternal death was not something she wanted. Eternal life, though, petrified her just as much. She didn't know if her powers would keep her alive longer than normal people, because she was a witch and a sorceress and not all human. Eternity alone did not sound appealing. Eternity frightened her.

Fear – There was an undercurrent of it throughout her life. Fear for her sister. Fear for her secret. Fear for her life – monster! – and fear that she wouldn't live up to what was expected of her. Fear made her anxious, anxiety led to mistakes. She can't help but feel that less fear would have led to fewer mistakes. Fear is her enemy. Elsa felt surrounded.

Gloves – They were meant to be security, and for a while they had been. Then they had become obsession. Then they had become a metaphor. A cover up. The gloves helped conceal; with gloves on she couldn't feel. When the gloves came off, the good girl had gone with them. Gloves and gates belonged together, and Elsa had shed them both.

Hair – Elsa had always been aware of hair. In the limited amount of time she had spent with Anna, she had always found her eyes drawn to her sister's hair. To the white streak running through it, a constant, glaring reminder that Elsa was out of control. Hair also meant control. Elsa would tie hers up tightly, out of the way, and she would be pleased that there was something she had total control over. Some days she was wound tighter than her hair. And some days she would take off her crown, unpin her hair, remember the mountains, and just let it go.

Ice – I am Ice. This made sense. It was her personal pronoun, and it was who she was beneath her skin. Elsa was Ice. Not only cold and dangerous, but also powerful and strong. She was the true Queen of the Ice, and she liked that title. She liked being Ice.

Jealous – She and Anna took turns with this one, as children. Anna was jealous of Elsa's powers. Elsa was jealous that Anna got away with anything, while she was always being told to behave. Elsa was jealous than Anna didn't have to be a good girl. Elsa had been jealous that Anna got hugs when she couldn't. Elsa was no longer jealous of Anna's hugs, because almost all of them were for her now.

King – Elsa thinks of her father every day. She is not King, but she has to live up to him. She carries him with her, in everything she does. Sometimes her mind will wander, and she'll wonder if she'll ever have a King at her side. She finds that the thought leaves quite quickly, because she has a King in her heart and that is enough for her.

Lonely – She had no right to be lonely. What more could she want? She had her sister, her people. She was the Queen; there was not a single thing she would want for. But when she was alone, in her study or her room, she felt lonely. The feeling lessened when Anna was around, but never left completely. There was always a slight hollow inside her, a longing for something more like herself to fill it. She felt lonely in Arendelle. She hadn't felt lonely on the North Mountain.

Monster – The word rang around her head at odd times. When she was brushing her hair. When she was laughing with Anna. When she looked in the mirror and the sun wasn't shining. She was more than a Queen; she was a monster as well. Her monster was cold and translucent, but as time wore on, she found it to be less persistent. She hadn't always been a monster. Maybe, if she tried hard enough, she could go back to the way it was. When she hadn't been a monster. But then she thought of the manacles in the dungeon, and she knew it wasn't possible.

Need – Most of the time Elsa thinks of other's needs. What does Anna need? What does Kristoff need? What does Arendelle need? It's only on occasion that she thinks of what she needs, and it always surprises her. Elsa doesn't think of herself much, because she is made up of the people around her. She depends on them for her existence. So, what does she need? Warmth, love; Anna gives these in abundance. Company sometimes, seclusion at other times. She gets this too. Elsa has everything she needs, when she deigns to even think of such things. The needs of others are more important than her own. She feels like Papa would be proud of that.

Olaf – He was their childhood. He was summer, and warm hugs, and love for Anna. He was tangible evidence of Elsa's love. He was also tangible evidence of her complexity. He might not have as many facets as she did, but he still confused her. Where had he come from, why was he here? How did she create life? And would he be the only type of life she created? He was merry and optimistic; he was the things she wanted most wrapped up in snow and running around where everyone could see them. He was her own.

Proud – Papa was supposed to be proud of her. She didn't know if he was. She had disobeyed the rule he held above all others – conceal, don't feel. But she was ruling Arendelle well, and that had to count for something. There were others who were proud of her; she had seen the pride in Kai's eyes the day she showed off her powers and turned the courtyard into a skating rink. She had seen the pride in Anna's eyes as she lifted the eternal winter off Arendelle. Sometimes she felt the pride flicker inside her own chest, and she knew that if she was proud of herself, surely Papa must be too. Because she was the good girl she was supposed to be.

Queen – There were many faces to who Elsa was. Queen was the one most people saw. It was the face she wore most often, and so it had to be the one she was best at. She liked the face of the Queen, because the Queen didn't freak out over nothing, or cause a scene, or hide away. The Queen was strong and powerful, benign yet respected. Sometimes she felt as though 'Elsa' was hiding behind 'Queen'. And she found it didn't matter, because 'Elsa' was 'Queen'.

Reflection – Elsa sees herself in everything. She sees herself in the winter. She sees herself in the wind that brings the snow. She sees herself in every snowflake. And she sees herself in her powers. Her reflection is there in her ice, she sees herself in a thousand different places in her Palace. Mostly, she likes what she sees. The freedom in her face and movements is exhilarating. When Anna comes, Elsa sees a monster. Elsa sees her thoughts mirrored in her Palace as well, she sees the red of despair, the blue of content, and the yellow of desperate anger. It's not always her face that reflects at her, but it is always her.

Sister – This should be the first letter, because it was the most important. Elsa supposed, in a way, it was the first letter. Her sister was the glue that held Elsa together, through anything. She was the person Elsa would give up anything, everything, for. This was how Elsa defined herself, not as a Queen. She was a sister.

Trolls – Elsa wishes they weren't a part of who she was, but they were seared into her memory. She owed them her sister's life, of course, but thinking of them made her uneasy. She owed them her sister's life twice, because if it wasn't for Kristoff, Anna wouldn't be here. And the trolls raised Kristoff, so by the transient properties of gratitude, the trolls saved Anna from Elsa's eternal winter. She didn't have to like them, but she was grateful to them. They were still a part of what made Elsa.

Unity – This meant a lot of things to Elsa. She'd screwed up a lot of the unity of Arendelle, between Weaselton and the Southern Isles. But it didn't really matter, because Anna had taken hold of Elsa's hand and united them. Elsa would give up everything else to keep things the way they were now. Unity between countries was irrelevant, unity between her and her sister was imperative. It was no accident that unity had 'U' and 'I'.

Very – Elsa didn't feel things in half measure. She felt things in 'very'. She had a whole life of 'very'. Very Happy, very Frightened, very Sad, very Tense, very Scared, very Happy, very Angry (and Afraid, she still didn't know how she had felt when Hans and his men had stormed her Palace) very Unconscious, very Devastated, and very Happy. At least everything had come full circle, but sometimes she wished for a bit less 'very'. It was very taxing.

Winter – This was a big part of who she was. Because Elsa was winter incarnate. She was frigid winds and snow and ice. She was powerful and dangerous, beautiful and cold. Winter was strength and death, and Elsa liked being one of those things. She loved the winter now, the white frost and the virgin snow. The cold never bothered her, anyway. There had been a time when winter upset her. Well, she supposed, it wasn't the winter that upset her. It was the question that came with it.

She couldn't think of anything for this. This had always been the strange letter in the alphabet books; it didn't seem to belong anywhere. 'X' didn't lead words; it was just somewhere in the middle. Not important enough to be in front, but indispensible in the crowd. Perhaps she couldn't identify with it, because she was a leader. Her life was devoid of 'X'. It made her feel glad and lonely at the same time. 'X' didn't stand alone; it had to have other letters around it. Elsa didn't need that.

Yesterday – Elsa often longed for yesterdays. Yesterday, she hadn't frozen Anna's mind. Yesterday, she hadn't said good bye to her parents. Yesterday, she hadn't revealed her powers at her coronation. Yesterdays are the things dreams are made of. But she supposed she didn't mind so much now, she didn't long for quite so many yesterdays. Because now, tomorrows were full of promise.

The book had a zigzag in it, and it always annoyed Elsa because a zigzag wasn't a thing. It was like the letter 'Z' had just fallen over and no one had taken the time to put it back the right way. Elsa was a zigzag, an out-of-place thing that tipped over and became something else. She had tipped when she was eight, and no one had turned her the right way up. The world had been upside down. But then she had discovered that Love Thaws, and everything had changed. Anna took the time to turn her the right way up. Elsa wasn't out of place anymore.