I never thought I'd actually write something like this before. Should be fun!

Now, before we officially start things off, let me get this off of my chest. I am an author, as are the vast majority of the people on this website are, but some authors are rather inexperienced compared to others, and it comes together as sometimes raising your hopes up only for them to come crashing back down.

We've all had that time when we were younger and wrote bad fanfictions; hell, I look back on some of the things I've written now and can't help but cringe. But this? This collection of archived fanfictions? Not the best, I'm disappointed to say. Now some of the fics I've read here are really good, while some of the majority… not so much.

I bet you know that feeling of having to comb through bad fanfictions until you find one you actually like, (because let's be honest, generally fanfictions are crap) but I find that even harder here.

Keep in mind, I'm not trying to call out anyone specifically. I'm just generalizing here, and reflecting on what I've seen in other fandoms which I've started to see happen here. This is an extreme representation of my own thoughts. This isn't about bashing. This is a parody.

So without further ado, I present to you: The Adventures of Mary Sue and Marty Sue in Overwatch!

"It's a lovely day~!" Mary Sue comments, frolicking in the flower fields, spinning in circles and pirouetting like the beautiful goddess she is. In fact she's so beautiful, all the women in the vicinity can't help but glower in jealousy.

Mary Sue has rainbow hair which she died when she was eleven years old, eyes that change colour depending on her mood, and perfect makeup. The clothes she's wearing are a yellow graphic tee with two cats on it, one black and white and boring, the other rainbow (like her hair!) and exciting, text above saying, 'this is your normal,' and, 'this is my normal.'

"I agree, sister!" Quips Marty Sue from her left. Unlike his sister, Marty Sue is dark and brooding despite what he just now said, and has hair as dark as the night sky, with eyes as red as blood. His clothes are army green pants, a brown camouflage shirt with a large orange emblem in the middle saying, 'emo,' and lumberjack boots.

Marty Sue is the man perfect for any woman's dreams. He is extremely handsome, in fact so handsome that male supermodels take tips from him, and he sometimes rips his shirt just to show his perfectly chiseled abs he had gotten from watching a YouTube makeup tutorial. Women blush in the presence despite doing nothing to cause their pink coated cheeks.

"Maybe we should open the rift~," Mary Sue ponders, flipping her rainbow hair, and pointing a finger innocently at her chin. "Let's go into Naruto~!" She exclaims.

"Noooooo!" Marty Sue groans, "you chose last time! Let's go into this new first person shooter game I randomly found! It's really fun and everyone and everything is sexy!"

"Sexy~?!" The sister Sue cries with sparkles in her eyes, anime style. "Yeah, yeah, yeah~! Let's go~! Let's go~! Let's goooooooo~~~!"

"Alright, alright! Sheesh…" The dark Sue sighs, fixing his hair in case any sexy woman should see him in such a disgraceful manner. "Now how do I do this again…?"

"You just yell, 'Open insert world here~!' and you're good~!" His sister helpfully provides.

"Shut up!" He yells in her face, wads off spit bouncing off of his tongue. "I knew that!" He grumbles under his breath, but continues all the same. "OPEN OVERWATCH!"

Suddenly, a black crack in the blue sky opens up and sucks them in. Now normally, to normal people, this process would be extremely painful. So painful in fact, their insides would implode. But not to Mary or Marty Sue. They've trained their whole lives to travel to different worlds! Plus, they're main characters, so they can never die or get hurt!

Mary and Marty land in an unknown area, but with Marty bouncing from foot to foot, it seems like he knows where the both of them are.

"We're in Overwatch headquarters!" He marvels, eyes trailing from every piece of advanced technology in the room.

"Woah~!" Mary squeals, going up to a random computer to start mashing the keyboard. "This is amazing~!"

In an abrupt fashion, turrets from the ceiling are trained on them, a woman's synthetic voice cutting into their playfulness. "Who are you? What are you doing here?"

"What do you mean, 'what are we doing here~?!" Mary screeches. "We were just having fun until you bi-" Mary stops, seeing Marty's hand land in front of her.

"Athena…" He gasps. Immediately with his powers of winning over any woman (and that includes even artificial intelligences), the turrets retract back into the ceiling.

"W-what's this? My systems are overheating!" Athena struggles to form coherent words, already having a sensation running throughout her entire database. Marty Sue is just that handsome.

"Athena!" A male voice cries out, deep and concerned. From a corner, he steps out to reveal he is a giant monkey.

Mary's eyes begin to sparkle again. "Marty~! Look at how cute the monkey is~! Can I keep him~?"

Marty shrugs indifferently. "Fine, just don't try to take any of the ladies. They're all mine, I call dibs."

Meanwhile, the giant talking monkey man is fussing over one of his computers, trying to conceal the weapon he has under his desk. "Who are you two?!" He reiterates Athena's previous questions angrily. "What are you two doing here?!"

"We're here to fuck shit up and have fun." Marty replies. "Now call the rest of your team, Winston. We won't have any fun otherwise."

The monkey— ape, Winston growls, intending on taking the both of them out. There's no point in involving any of the other Overwatch agents. But at the same time, he can already tell they're both strong, stronger than even him. He has no choice but to call in Overwatch.

"Waaaah~!"

Winston jumps, not expecting to hear anything so loud and annoying at such a close proximity to him. But what awaits his eyes is something very different. A human female with rainbow hair, looking at him like he's the most important thing in the world. He eyes her and the other man in the room. He probably is, anyways.

"You're sooooo cute~!" She cries, wrapping her arms around his midsection.

Winston can't fight the blush overcoming his face. He scratches the back of his head sheepishly. "I am pretty cute, aren't I?"

Mary nods enthusiastically. "The cutest~!"

Winston allows himself a moment before realizing once again that these people are dangerous. They're enemies. And he almost fell into their trap.

In the following moments, it is uncomfortably silent, save for Mary constantly humming a song under her breath. Marty strains his ear and finds out it's, 'Let it Go.' He scoffs. How dare his sister start without him?! He starts humming too.

Thankfully for Winston's ever shattering sanity, Overwatch agents come tumbling through the entrance. For some reason Widowmaker and Reaper are there too, but he doesn't care as long as someone kills the two intruders who he has become much too acquainted with.

"Winston, love, what's happening? What's wrong?" Lena asks, blinking with her chronal accelerator until she's in front of him.

Marty eyes her out of the corner of his eyes, trying to catch his breath, because motherfucking cute booty Tracer is here. Holy shit, all of the teenage hormonal tendencies he's had up until this moment have finally been fulfilled!

"Oh, Lena it's horrible!" Winston sobs, finally breaking down under it all. He points over at the Sue siblings. "Just please get them out of here!"

An uproar rises within the crowd of Overwatch agents already there, their collective gazes turning to the people Winston is referring to.

…

They're teenagers.

They can't be that bad, can they?

Soldier 76 cuts through the crowd, lifts Winston by the collar of his suit, and slaps him across the face. "What the hell are you doing, soldier?! Are you seriously losing face to two brats?!"

"No, you don't understand-!"

"Hello there pretty british girl, how are you today?" Immediately, Marty is by Tracer's side, an arm draped around her shoulder.

Tracer shifts under his arm, stuttering all the while, her cheeks becoming tomato red inexplicably.

"It's too late…" Winston murmurs in horror, and 76 looks at him in confusion, looking at the scene unfolding in front of everyone.

"Here," Marty beckons with his free hand, "why don't all you fine ladies come on over." Almost like they're in a trance, Widowmaker, , and Mercy, stroll on over, while the remaining women and men ready their weapons in trepidation.

"Heeeeyyyyy~!"

"Oh, dear God," Winston curses, 76 looking at him again.

"Any sexy smexy men can come over here~!" Mary calls, waving her hand in the air, with an anime wink resting on her angelic face. Genji, Mcree, and Lùcio are compelled to go.

"Brother…?" Hanzo mumbles, the strong grip on his bow faltering. No, he shakes his head clear, he knows who the real target is.

Mary and Marty Sue are having the times of their lives. Sexy men and women are standing by them, yet they are unaware of the dark anger brewing in the leftover Overwatch agents. But surely nothing could be wrong, right? Everyone loves them back home, why wouldn't this apply here too?

Like he's setting off a storm, Reaper shouts, "DIE! DIE! DIE!"

Everyone else follows suit.

"I've got you in my sights."

"RYUU GA WAGA TEKI WO KURAU!"

"FIRE IN THE HOLE!"

"JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOVE!"

And many others.

Thanks to their combined efforts, Mary and Marty Sue die (as it turns out, they weren't main characters!), the people under their hypnosis, free. The freed people themselves, decide to keep the bile from running up their throats. Clearly they need not put everyone under more stress.

As everyone leaves under somewhat pleasant conditions, Winston can finally get back to his life.

With Mary and Marty Sue gone, no one was left to terrify anymore worlds, and no one had to deal with disgustingly overpowered original characters ever again.

The End.

It would be a perfect world if that were true, but unfortunately it is not. But you do know what I'm getting at right? STOP MARY/MARTY SUES! The stories aren't enjoyable, and are arguably the worst kind of fanfictions out there.

If you see anything that might be a Mary/Marty Sue fanfic, inform the author immediately and point out how they can improve their story, and use constructive criticism. Do not flame or bash.

Until next time, friends!