A/N: So, just some random thing that popped into my head while I'll trying to sleep. My ideas like to come at the worst times. Well, at least they come, and their pretty good ideas for the most part.

First up: Dane Cook's B&E, styled with America and Canada. Some mentions of a specific polar bear.

I don't own Hetalia, Dane cook, or anything he says.

Alfred sat on the couch, flicking through the thousands of channels his new television package gave him. He wondered how so many channels could play such boring shows. There were replays galore of past football games, reruns of the drama hospital shows that always played out the same no matter the circumstance - some boring old guy would get a disease everyone would try to treat, but never knew the real cure until the last minute – movies from three years ago that weren't about the awesomeness of America, and – Oh! There was a documentary of the Cold War, when he kicked Russia's ass. But the other didn't want to admit it. It sounded cool, but when Alfred clicked the channel, the dull voiceover only listed the dates of unimportant meetings.

With a dramatic sigh, he went back to searching the shows with a face that looked more like it would fit in the face of a long fight.

He was about to give up and just find something on the Internet when he found an old horror movie. He grabbed a nearby pillow and clutched it tightly to his chest as the intro flowed across the television's 48in plasma screen. He had seen a movie like this before with Japan: something about brainwashed children killing everyone who didn't think like them. That one wasn't scary. He hadn't even cried by the end (not that he would admit to crying, because hero's never cried in front of fear or danger). But, before ten minutes had even passed, he was shaking and the stuffing from the pillow was oozing its way out of the seams from the pressure he was putting it under as he squeezed it tightly.

He wasn't afraid of course. He was just so…emotionally wrought at not being to help the people out of the monstrous house filled with evil creatures! Yeah, that was it.

But, just to be sure, he reached to the cordless phone on the small lamp table next to the couch and dialed.

"Ah, this is Mathew Wi-"

"Mattie!" Alfred shouted into the phone, his voice louder as he tried to hide his distress (not fear, Damnit!), as he cut off his brother. "How's it going?"

"Eh? Oh, it's not too bad, except Kumajirou keeps getting into-"

"That's great, Mattie, but I have a question!"

There was a ghost of a sigh as Mathew was cut off once again. At least Alfred had remembered his name and was even decent enough to ask how he was. It was probably to much to ask to have him heard as well. "What do you want, Al?"

"You gotta come watch this movie with me! It's so awesome and has all the creepy stuff you love and-"

"And you're afraid and need someone there", his brother translated. "Right now?"

"I'm totally not afraid! I thought you'd like it, and its' been awhile since us bro's hung out together. And yes right now!"

Matthew contemplated on the use of saying no, and new that refusing would be useless. Most likely, Alfred wouldn't quit asking, or would keep calling until he agreed, or whine about it constantly for the next few months or so. "I gue-"

"Sweet! I'll make popcorn!"

The call ended and while Alfred paused the movie, his brother hung his head and went to call a taxi.

Matthew really didn't know had this happened. He could not for his life, figure out how he had found himself in his brother's car, driving up and down a cul-de-sac in a small suburb outside the city, staking out a house. For burglary of all things. He glanced at Alfred, biting his lower lip in anxiety. Alfred gave him a narrowed-eyed sidelong glance from the driver's seat that plainly spoke of blackmail if Matthew said another word against the plan.

It was during a commercial that the super power had come up with the idea.

"Dude, this movie is really boring", Alfred sighed. His boredom might have been more convincible if he wasn't clinging to his brother like gum on a chair and if he wasn't trembling or closing eyes at every spurt of blood shown. "We should do something more fun and exciting."

Matthew, after coming all this way and having to put up with a terrified and hypocritical Alfred, wanted to do nothing that included pain, loud noises, and just leaving the couch in general. So he was extremely wary when Alfred said the words 'fun and exciting'. "And what is more exciting than watching this movie-"

"I know!" he answered himself, shooting up from the couch. "You know what would make me a better hero?"
"Not freaking out during a movie?"
"What? I don't do that! What would make me a better hero is if I acted like the bad guy! I would know all of their tricks if I learned to think like one!"

Matthew wondered he got this idea from, but was afraid to ask. "What are you think-"

"We should totally do a B and E!"

"A B and…E?"

"Breaking and Entering!"

"A wha – wait – what! Why? You can't do that! You'd get arrested-"

"If caught", Alfred said matter-of-factly.

"What does it matter if! You're still going to be going into someone's house and breaking items and intruding on them!" No wonder crime rates were so high here…

"Come one Mattie! When you do a B and E, you have to have someone that won't do it, and you're right here, and don't want to do it-"

"Of course I don't want to do it!" Matthew cried, which was only a normal speaking volume to the rest of the world, but it was still loud enough to surprise Alfred.

"It's not going to hurt anyone! And we're not going to steal anything. We'll just bust inside the house, rummage through some stuff, and get out."

"I-I still don't know-"

"Alright! Let's go!" Alfred ran to get his car keys, and left Matthew in the dark room, alone, in his excitement. Matthew sighed and wondered where his brother came up with such ideas, and why he was always being dragged into the middle of them. "Come on, Bro!"

His legs feeling like lead, he dragged himself from the couch and followed his brother to the car.

"Alfred, really, don't do this", Matthew whispered, his already frail voice shaking.

"I have to, Bro! It's my duty as a hero, to better protect everyone from evil, like Communism!" His laugh cut off sharply as he pointed over the driver's wheel at a house down the street. "That one, Mattie. That's the house were going to do a B and E at!"

"No! W-we can't! Not here, not anywhere! Just turn around; It's not too…late…"

Alfred had already stopped the car, but when Matthew finally stopped to find where they were, the house his brother had pointed to was sixteen blocks away. Alfred must have seen the question on his face, because he flashed a smile and announced in what he liked to call his 'hero' voice "You always have to park really far away from the target! No one will suspect anything, and you can make a really epic getaway." He hopped out of the car and sped to the back of the house on the road without even looking back to see if his brother was following.

Matthew grabbed an Advil from the bottle he stored in Alfred's glove compartment for times like these before leaving the car as well. He found him jumping over the fence to the next yard. Matthew just walked through the gate put in the middle of the wooden divider. The next house was clear of obstacles, but Alfred insisted on dodging from tree to tree, and even went as far as barrel-rolling through a line of trees. The last house before the target also had a fence.

It was a thick, chain-link fence four feet high. Already, Alfred was scaling up it, and jumped nimbly onto the other side. Matthew followed much more carefully.

He wondered what Kumajirou was doing right now. Normally around this time, he would have finished dinner with his owner and gone off to the bedroom and waited for him to come to bed by trying to get the cat to come out from under the bed. It was extremely shy like Matthew. But Matthew hadn't been home for almost three hours, and Kumajirou had been very stubborn all day and even calling his owner Alfred.

Matthew was so occupied about his polar bear, that when he tried to slip down to the ground, the back of his shirt was yanked up.

"Gwah! A-ah! W-what is this? A-Alfred! I'm stuck! I knew this wasn't a good idea; we're going to get caught, or worse and-"

"You're shirt's just stuck at the top", Alfred told him and pulled his brother off the fence.

Matthew looked at the tear in his shirt and frowned. "This was my favorite shirt too…"

"Well you shouldn't be wearing your favorite shirt on something as dangerous but needs-to-be-done mission! Next time, wear your second favorite shirt!"

"N-next time…?"

"Shush!"

The house was in front of them. It wasn't large, but the backyard stretched on. Several kid's toys – a tricycle, some balls, and a plastic truck – strewed the dying grass. Alfred wiped the palms of his hands on his jeans and slowly stepped up to the glass sliding door.

Matthew grabbed his wrist. "Wait! Come on; let's go home, Al. What if they're home?" Alfred rolled his eyes. "I-I hear a car…"

"…Dude, cars are everywhere. You're going to hear them for the rest of your life. It my whale comes sliding down the street, tell me then, because that'll be freaky. And I haven't seen him in a while, so it'd be nice to say hi!"

And then he was off again. Matthew counted his steps. One…two…three…fo-

"Mattie, I don't think I can do it". The brother sighed in relief. "Nope, I got it!" Matthew watched in horror as Alfred kicked the door open. It fell off its hinges and fell to the ground with a thump. And then he entered the darkness of the sleeping house.

Matthew stood outside as Alfred stepped inside. He was swallowed up by the black within two steps, and he walked in a small circle nervously. He jumped and almost shrieked when his brother shot of the house, and collided with him.

"Dude, we need to get out of here. Now."

Expecting the worst, he let Alfred drag him back to car, emitting the ninja criminal moves he had done before, and shoved him into the car. Matthew was too shocked to ask what had happened. It wasn't until they had gotten home that he confronted Alfred.

"So…why did you leave the house?"

"I realized I didn't want to a B and E", Alfred answered.

"You just…wanted to…?" He actually had no clue what his brother had wanted to then, and couldn't find any logical reason as to why he would go all the way to the house and just leave. Then again, Alfred was anything but logical.

"I just wanted to kick a door down!"

Matthew turned to the nearest wall and repeatedly banged his forehead on the smooth plaster as Alfred walked down the hall laughing.

A/N: You likeys? Let me know with a review! Review if you want to see the Axis going to find Candy Mountain!