There once was a boy named Itachi. Itachi had some problems at home and committed mass murder. But Itachi was really just doing the only logical thing anyone would do in his shoes. Deep down he's a very nice person. Really.
Disclaimer: Insert something clever about not owning Naruto here.
It's Not My Fault!
I am a victim of circumstance.
Seriously. Everyone thinks that I'm Uchiha Itachi, cold-blooded murderer and certificate psychopath. Well, they're wrong. I'd actually describe myself as a family man… if I had a family. Oh, sure, there's Sasuke, but hello! How am I supposed to be a Good Elder Brother when he's trying to KILL me? Yes, I realize I told him too, but I'm just encouraging him to follow his dreams. Geez.
Anyway, people have this misconception that I wanted to kill my family. But it was purely an accident, I can assure you. And Akatsuki? We're about the friendliest bunch of guys you could ever have the fortune of meeting. Unless of course you're a demon-quartering jinchuriki, in which case we'll have to abduct you. But in a nice way!
Don't believe me? Didn't think so. Well then just hear me out; I promise you, I am not who you think!
-
First of all, the mangekyou sharingan: totally a coincidence. Really. I had no idea that killing Shisui would endow me with that thing. The scrolls hidden in that temple place describing the "secrets of the Uchiha clan" contained a very tasty muffin recipe.
Not that I wanted to kill Shisui, of course. He is… was… like a brother to me. A best friend, they call it. Why would I purposefully kill him?
It all started with that stupid drinking challenge. No, not alcohol; I was way underage. It was a tea-drinking challenge. I won, naturally; I AM an Uchiha after all, but the group of idiots I was with ordered another round of food. Maybe if they hadn't insisted I stay and eat this whole mess wouldn't have started. Ah well, all's well that ends well… or badly.
I left the restaurant in quite a rush. I needed to get home as quickly as possible because, for whatever unfathomable reason, that place did not have a bathroom. And I really had to go.
Have you ever had to pee so badly it hurt? How about try to run in this condition? Nuh-uh; nope. Doesn't work. So I was forced to waddle along like a lame duck, attempting to keep my knees as close together as possible.
Then, what do you know, Shisui stops me. On the bridge. With the water flowing under it. Loudly.
"Itachi!" he says to me. "Long time no see. How's life treatin' ya?"
"Shisui," I answered through gritted teeth, "I really need to get home."
"Nonsense." He waved a hand in dismissal. "You've got time for an old friend, right?"
If I had been thinking properly, I might have invited him to walk with me, but… the water…!
He continued to try and engage me in small talk. I must admit, he wasn't exactly the brightest person I knew. Only when I resorted to the Gotta Go Dance did he realize something was wrong.
"Itachi?" he said in concern. "Are you alright? You're not having girl problems, are you? Because that's exactly what my teammate, Watanabe, looked like at his wedding. You've met him, right? He's…"
And he just went on and on about these friend of his and I had had enough. I tried to push past him, but he stopped me.
"Now, now," he chided, "you can't get away from me that easily!" I tried to pass him again; he blocked me.
I took the first course of action that came to mind: I whipped out a kunai and stabbed him until he stopped moving. Then I hurried home a fast as I could in my damaged state.
Fortunately, I made it in time. Unfortunately, I realized I had killed Shisui. I freaked and wrote a lame suicide note from him… but the clan didn't exactly fall for it…
-
To this day I wonder if my father new I had killed Shisui. If he did, he obviously didn't care. But if he had asked I would have given him a pitiful story about tea and my urination requirements.
But enough about my bladder. You're probably wondering about bigger things, such as what happened with the rest of the clan.
First, I'd like to point out that the fates were squarely against me. They ganged up on me in an unfair fight. Why do I think this? Well, think about it. The Uchiha are a clan of well-known, powerful ninja who go out on a lot of missions. What are the odds that the day on which It happened everyone but brother dearest was home? Obviously there was some sort of outside force involved.
It all started with some fan girl. I think she was a third cousin twice removed or something, so she had every right to hit on me. Hell, a few generations earlier and I might have been engaged to her. But thank god for modern ideas about marriage.
Now you must realize I was thirteen when this happened. THIRTEEN. And, like many thirteen year olds, I had problems with acne.
On this particular day I had one major zit right under the left corner of my mouth. It was huge, pulsing red and threatening to erupt at any moment. But I was an expert and covering these things up: I wore a high-collared shirt and stormed around brooding so that people wouldn't want to look at my face, and even if they did I had the collar as protection.
But for some reason girls seemed to be attracted to my tortured-soul act. I have no idea why, but they were. Especially this one little nitwit.
"Itachi-kun!" she squealed and bounded over to me. I was sitting on our porch sharpening shuriken like a good little shinobi. Minding my business and not doing anyone a bit of harm. But she seemed to think I deserved some type of cruel and unusual punishment.
I tried to ignore her. It didn't work.
"Itachi-kuuun," she whined. "Why do you always hide your pretty face?"
Lalala, not listening…
"Come on, Itachi-kun, let me see those pretty eyes of yours." She climbed onto the porch and squatted next to me. "Just a peek…" She put her hand on my arm. I immediately jerked away. I glared at her, straight in the eyes. I even activated the Sharingan because that seems to freak people out for some reason.
Instead of being scared and Leaving Me Alone, she let out some sort of high-pitched mating call and threw her arms around me in glee.
Like all ninja, I have amazing reflexes, especially in battle. And that… that thing, I dare say, was scarier than any fight I've ever been in. Which is why, as she came at me, I stabbed her in the chest with the shuriken I had in my hand.
It was purely instinct, I swear. If she had just acted like a normal human being I might have kept complete control over myself and just forcefully removed her from my presence. But she tried to touch me, and at the time I was under the firm impression girls had cooties.
I stared down at her limp form for a moment. Then I breathed a sigh of relief which I quickly re-inhaled because it suddenly dawned on me that I'd killed yet ANOTHER Uchiha. And I really didn't think I could clear this one up.
I felt helpless, which is very odd and uncomfortable for me. In frustration, I grabbed a handful of the now-sharpened shuriken and threw them as hard as I could at a tree.
Well, apparently my mother had invited a group of her girlfriends over for a lunch. You can imagine my surprise when five ladies were suddenly in the way of my five shuriken.
Now is it really my fault I'm an excellent marksman?
Stunned from the death of the five women, I power walked put of our yard and down the street. I'll admit that I was afraid. What would my father do if I had just gotten myself kicked off ANBU? If I was exiled from Konoha? Sent to jail?
A nervous habit of mine is forming seals, which is exactly what I was doing as I marched, preoccupied, down the street. And, somehow, muscle memory forced my hands into a fire seal. And then… well… next thing I new the building next to me was up in flames.
To my horror, I realized it was the residence of a family that just so happened to be having a rather large party that day at noon. I really have no idea how that house burned so fast, but it did. And apparently there were alcoholic drinks and the party and for some reason drunks don't seem to know how to get out of a burning building.
I hadn't learned any water jutsu yet, so I did the logical thing. I went running to my mommy.
She was busy making lunch for her friends (who were dead in the front yard, but hey).
"Mom!" I yelled, panicked.
"Itachi," she replied. "The girls should be here soon. Help me with the punch."
"Mom, I really need to talk to you," I said, obediently opening the fridge.
"That's nice. Grape juice, please."
I handed it to her. "I mean I really need to. It's important." I expected her to stop everything and take me seriously.
She didn't. "The pineapple juice, sweetie."
I grabbed the first bottle I saw and handed it to her. She dumped a liberal amount in without even looking at it.
"Just let me taste-test this," she said as she ladled some into a glass. She took a sip. "Mmm, delicious!"
"Mom, I—"
"Your father has to try this!"
"Mom—"
"HONEY!" she called through the kitchen door. He appeared almost immediately. She handed him a glass.
Exasperated, I glared at the nearest thing to me. The bottle of rat poison.
You may be wondering why there was a bottle of rat poison on the counter. Well, apparently that was the first bottle I saw in the refrigerator.
I don't know why it was there.
It was to late. Father had already taken a deep sip from his glass. I paled. I just couldn't get a break.
"Mother… father…" I said slowly. They were ninja. They were Uchiha. They HAD to have some resistance—
They collapsed. I freaked and ran outside again. In the process I tripped over something, knocked over the bock of wood that held our knives, and sent them all flying at my parents' corpses.
At that moment I vowed never to show my emotions in any way ever again. I mean, look where mine got me!
I left the house. Well, I couldn't really stay in the village anymore, could I?
Outside was a mob of angry Uchiha. Someone had seen me light fire to that house. I must admit, that probably did look quite suspicious.
I'm sure you know angry mobs are extremely violent. And I'm sure you understand that I had to defend myself. So of course you'll understand how, in the process, every other Uchiha there ended up dead.
If not for my recent vow I probably would have thrown a screaming temper-tantrum over my bad luck.
But something kept me in the little square of Konoha occupied by the clan. Sasuke was coming home in a few hours, and he was getting his report card today. I was curious and, besides, he needed someone to sign it and mother and father obviously couldn't. So I went home and checked their pulses (or lack there of) a few more times.
Sasuke was so cute as a kid. I just wanted to pinch his little cheeks when he asked me what happened. So, like a good brother, I decided to show him exactly what happened with the aid of my newly acquired mangekyou sharingan. It wasn't that I wanted to torture him; I just thought it would sort of hard to explain how I had accidentally killed a hundred-odd people.
I didn't mean to scare him, really. But when he looked at me like the way he did I knew any brotherly bond we had had been severed. So I told him to hate and to, eventually, kill me. As a way of advice on what to do with his life now that we essentially had no family, you see. I'd want to kill something too if someone ruined my life; he might as well take it out on me, right?
He never did get that report card signed.
-
As for Akatsuki, we're just an organization for the misunderstood. You know my partner, Kisame? He got kicked out of his village for babysitting. Imagine! So what if all those little gennin ended up impaled on sharp rocks at the bottom of that waterfall? Totally not Kisame's fault. And when Sasori killed the Kazekage? The old man wanted to die! Sasori was doing him a favor; the poor guy was suffering major depression from all that paperwork.
We did try to show our love by reaching out to those poor misunderstood jinchuriki, but then people got "friendship circle" and "death by extraction of inner demon" confused. That was SO not what we were doing to Gaara. And maybe if those stupid Konoha ninja hadn't interfered, he wouldn't have ended up half dead.
So that's my story. As you can plainly see, all that mess was simply a series of unfortunate coincidences. I'm telling you, it's not my fault!