Disclaimer: Zelda belongs to Nintendo.

"So what's your name, huh?"

"…" said Link

"So what are you doing out here anyways? We've sure never seen your clothes around here."

Link thinks of an answer while the child continues to blather on:

I get a pretty raw deal. All the time.

I don't get asked if I want to go help someone find their cuckoos, free a family from their completely idiotic curse, gather hideously tacky butterfly necklaces, nor do I get asked if I want to go save the world. Again.

Or save the princess. Again.

It's just assumed that I want to. But now that they've got their hearts set on whatever little task they want me to do, I can't just abandon them, you know?

Damn the continuously inherited sense of chivalrous bullshit. But at least I get the hat. Of course, then they took it away from me, giving me dirty hippie clothes instead in a "bonus round." You try fighting the most evil being in history in sandals. Then tell me how you like it.

And what's this about my family? It's always an uncle, sister or grandma who raises me. That or I find out that my mother died horrendously, springing me into the loving branches of an overgrown shrub. Who then tells me I have to save the world to prevent the "great darkness" from spreading. Or the "taint of evil." Or something like that.

But then again, sometimes I don't have a fairy…that is always a very good thing. Oh I mean, at first it's all: "I've got a fairy!" but in reality, the fairy does nothing. Does it heal you when you need it? Nope. Does it revive you when your battle worn body hits the dust? Hell no. So what good is this fairy for? Nothing! It gives you overly obvious "hints" about enemies' weaknesses and when it just might be an enemy that you need to know about she tells you "defeat yourself!" or "I have no idea what its weak point is!" Grrreeeaaat.

When not in battle, the fairy hovers. I hate the way they hover. Occasionally I'll get a "Hey!" or a bell tinkly sound. I have no idea where that sound comes from.

And another thing: why am I programmed to like junk so much? Or oh wait….I see that bottle that the storekeeper stores his crap in…but wouldn't it be much more fun to go and find a bottle that takes either a lot of money, a lot of work, or a lot of time. Those bottles are much more empty and better. I can't escape from this way of thinking either. I'm just ecstatic when I find things on the ground too.

I hear musical notes when I discover secrets and sometimes…maybe I'll feel my hands vibrate.

Link is snapped out of his train of thought when the small, irritating, young boy tugs at his tunic.

"So, mister? Can ya help us out or what? We'll give you a piece of heart."

Link's blue eyes flash greedily at the prospect of filling yet another heart container. Before giving the green clad hero a chance to respond, the boy grins and flings his hands into the air overenthusiastically.

"Thanks a lot! So just hand over 50 rupees and it's a deal!"

Link fumbles over the sparkling stones. The boy hands Link the heart piece. Link holds the heart piece over his head and gazes upon it unaware of the little colored words appearing below the desired object.

Of course, I'd have to speak if I were to argue. And I DID get a piece of heart…

Link continues his quest non-syllabically, excluding the occasional grunt of pain or effort.

The End.

So…I was approached by this guy at Gamestop. He said that they should make a Zelda movie. I countered saying that it would be difficult since Link doesn't speak. Said guy stopped talking to me. My boyfriend laughed. This idea was born.