Golumm's adventure
Fanfiction
Chapter 1
Shortly after Frodo was taken by the orcs, Gollum returned to Shelob's lair and found her quickly dressing her wounds with webbing. She paid no attention to Gollum, but went outside to oversee Frodo's capture. When the orcs left, she turned to Gollum and webbed him up. For four hours, he lay there, in fear of what she would do. Now hellbent on revenge, Shelob injected Gollum with so much poison that he went on a brief acid trip. He saw the lair as a mexican brothel and Shelob as Mary poppins. Waking up from the mushroom samba 4 hour later, Gollum freed himself. Shelob chased him through numerous tunnels and caves as he ran from her jaws. A lone orc had managed to free itself and Gollum threw it to her. It did not give up without a fight however and for 4 hours, it fought with her, hacking off two legs and permanantly destroying one of her eyes. Shelob managed to get rid of it eventually, but used the last of her poison as well. This caused the poor orc to become so intoxicated that its fellow orcs thought he had too much to drink and told him to go to AA. With renewed fury, shelob chased after Gollum who scaled a nearby wall and quickly made a patchwork defense of glass shards and pieces of armor. It shredded Shelob's skin and her web sac was destroyed as well. As her insides fell out, shelob called for her children to hound him to death. Gollum turned to see a wall of spiders blocking the exit. They all injected him with poison. It had no ill effects, save for making him briefly high. Gollum killed one spider, drained its venom, made a pouch for it and took a spare pipe. He then left the lair.
Chapter 2
4 days after the encounter, Gollum decided to not give a shit about frodo, laid back and smoked all the magical venom, attaining a god like high that lasted for 3 days. The drab depressing terrain turned into strawberry fields and Diamonds. The black lake became Marmalade jam and Gollum found himself on an island, where frodo was dead and he had the ring. All was good. then the vision turned dark as the lake spawned strawberry orcs and Marmalade Balrogs. Gollum, who by now was higher than Kurt Kobain, could be heard screaming all the way to Bara-dur. A passing orc managed to get him to calm down and Relax. His eyes gradually adjusted to the light and he looked around. He was in a tower.
"you were out of it man" came the voice of another orc. "that venom is some powerful shit, shelob's sitting on a gold mine" said another. Gollum got up. The entire group of orcs were stoned off their ass.
The captain came in, saw the mess and whipped them all into shape. "We've got trouble, all orcs need to meet at the black gate."
"why?" asked the orcs.
"its Charlie, he's saying a force from Gondor is here. Might be the same ones that killed Bob in Helms deep" said the Uruk-Hai Captain, referring to the poor bastard that was shot just 4 weeks earlier.
The orcs, Gollum realized, had a terrible K/D ratio. It's no wonder the springs around Mordor were polluted, they were clogged with dead bodies. Gollum was glad he didn't drink the water. The other orcs however…
"oh god, oh god oh god oh god" came the voice of one of the orcs. He dashed off to the restroom and for 4 hours, screamed his lungs out. He never came out. This affected every other orc in the tower, to gollums delight. The captain had to order 4 more toilets to be built out of scavenged Mithril from Moria as the old ones could barely function anymore. Gollum left the tower and made his way to Mordor.
He was halfway there when he realized something terrible had happened: He was out of Venom. Withdrawel set in and he tried to find more, only to find ash and smoke. He tried to smoke the sulfur but nearly choked to death.
He found the body of a dead Uruk-Hai and managed to scavenge an infinitely small drop of venom and proceeded to smoke it. the rush came back and Gollum enjoyed it. As quick as it came, it was gone.
Chapter 3
Gollum was now desperate for any high he could think of. He grabbed ashes and some lava, which had no effect on him whatsoever, and heated the ashes, took out some paper, rolled the ashes and smoked.
Frodo found him on the ground, screaming about Balrogs and a troll. As Gollum continued screaming, frodo dragged him to edge of mount doom, tossed him down, turned invisible and proceeded to systematically slay every orc and Uruk-Hai in Mordor. He ordered the trolls to smash the Nazgul to bits and slit the throats of every fell beast he found. As a final measure, he channeled the lava into the Orc barracks. When Aragorn arrived at the Black Gate, only 3 orcs were there, the rest had burned to death in their sleep. They promptly surrendered.