The moment I realised I'd fallen in love with Kurt Hummel was the moment that rocked my world forever. It had been a mundane day, a Tuesday I think. Kurt and myself had been in a heated discussion with Thad about the pros and cons of Broadway tunes in show choir. Thad despised musicals with a vengeance, so Kurt and I had teamed up against him to defend their honour. We were winning, obviously.
"Come on Thad, there's no way Eminem should ever be a Warblers' number. Its called show choir for a reason." Kurt stated, grinning in the knowledge that Thad could not beat him. Kurt was talented at many things, but his comebacks were legend. Get into an argument with him, and you're doomed to fail. I smiled as I looked at Kurt, before turning to Thad.
"As much as I like Eminem, the judges would never go for it. They all love songs about innocence and joy, not ones they can barely keep up with." Thad glared at me.
"Will you stop defending him? Mr Katy-Perry-transcends-musical-barriers-and-is-so-acceptable-for-show choir." I couldn't help but smile.
"I'm sorry Thad, but I agree with Kurt on this one." Kurt turned to me and smiled. I felt something in my chest suddenly stir, but I couldn't place what I felt. Thad decided to interrupt my thoughts. He stood up abruptly, raising his hands above his head.
"I give up. There's no way I can compete with Dalton's power couple." I choked at his words. Power couple?
"Power couple?" I repeated verbally. Thad shrugged.
"Well, you may as well be. You're always together, and never letting anyone else in on your jokes." Kurt and I looked at each other, and began to laugh.
"Us, really?" As we laughed, I found myself wanting to stop. Was it really so inconceivable that Kurt and I could ever be together? Where were these thoughts coming from? He was my friend, my best friend. I tried to shake the thoughts, but they stuck in my mind. Thad tapped his foot impatiently, but looked a little confused. Perhaps he'd thought we were genuinely together?
I looked at Kurt as he stopped laughing. His smile fell slightly, and he cocked his head to the side in confusion as he looked at me. It was as if he was questioning me, but I had no idea what I was being asked. I turned back to Thad to make things less awkward. As I did so, I draped my arm around Kurt's shoulders. Kurt and I were always physically close, so this action would hopefully make him less tense.
"Me and Kurt? Yeah, practically married. Always finishing each other's sentences, speaking at the exact same time, arguing about the merits of film musicals over Broadway. The whole shebang." Kurt turned to look at me.
"We've been over this Blaine, as much as I love Moulin Rouge, Wicked will forever be better because it is performed, not acted." Kurt countered with mock attitude. At this, Thad rolled his eyes and began to walk away.
"Right, I'll leave you guys to your quarrels. See you." As soon as Thad left, Kurt and I dissolved into laughter.
"I guess he just can't admit defeat." Kurt interjected. I smiled at him.
"No, I guess he can't. He's a great singer, but there's no way he could win a debate against you. You could argue yourself out of a murder case." Kurt's grin illuminated his face. For a moment I was struck with just how captivating he is. How had I never noticed how beautiful he was? Beautiful? Again, the idea of Kurt as something more than a friend bled through my mind. What was going on today? I realised my arm was still around him. Had I held it there too long? Was I holding him too hard? Should I withdraw?
Reluctantly, I removed my arm and folded my hand into my lap. Kurt didn't seem to notice any change in me, for which I was grateful for. I needed time to wrap my head around these feelings.
…
I spent hours agonising over what Thad meant, and why the idea of Kurt as my boyfriend would not leave me alone. Kurt was attractive, anyone could see that. I tried to push away the fluttering in my stomach as I thought of him. I couldn't have a crush on him. He was my friend, I trust him with my life. I tried to convince myself that years of loneliness had made me crave affection. As Kurt is the only openly gay kid in Dalton besides me, I thought I was maybe forcing some sort of crush on him. It made sense; he was my friend, and I cared about him. And he cared about me. Maybe I was confusing the boundaries of friendship and love. So I convinced myself that it was just a fantasy. I was content in my diagnosis and fell asleep, dreaming of Kurt. Of course I wasn't in love with him…
…
I waited for Kurt in the seniors' common room as the Warblers began to file in for practice. Despite my denial, I tried desperately not to appear obvious that my feelings had definitely strengthened. I saved Kurt a seat next to me, which I always did. But this time was different. As I waited, my heart began to do back flips. This had never happened to me before. What the hell was happening?
Practice was going to start any moment. Where was he? Kurt never missed practice. I was beginning to worry, as I glanced around to see if anyone else was missing. There was Edward, but he was always late. But there was no reason why Kurt should be late. Where was he?
Just as Wes began to speak, the door creaked open. Kurt and Edward snuck in, shooting apologetic looks at everyone. My heart leapt, and yet again I tried to smother it. Kurt closed the door behind him and looked around for a seat. His gaze landed on me and my heart flipped. I gestured for him to sit next to me, but then something weird happened. Edward tugged on Kurt's sleeve, and gestured for him to sit in the seat next to him. Kurt glanced back at me, before mouthing an apology. He took his place next to Edward, causing my heart to fall.
I understood why he couldn't sit next tome. If he had attempted to cross the room, Wes would have hit his gavel and would have made Kurt stay behind. I understood the wrath of Wes, as did Kurt. However, it didn't stop me from feeling - hurt. We always sat together. I glanced at Kurt and my heart sank as I saw how squashed in he was beside Edward. He was practically in his lap. Suddenly, it was as if the whole room was closing in on itself. My breathing tightened and became shallower. My chest clenched in on itself. Why was I reacting like this? I'd already decided I didn't have a crush on Kurt, so why was I feeling like this?
Edward kept side-glancing at Kurt, with a small smile on his face. Kurt didn't notice at all, as he remained engrossed in the conversation at the council table. What was going on? Why was Edward smiling at Kurt like that? As far as I knew, Kurt and Edward weren't close friends. They only knew each other from Warbler meetings, and had barely spoken before today. Why was Edward smiling like he'd known Kurt for longer - like he could worship him - Oh god. That's when it dawned on me. Edward had a crush on Kurt. But why should that matter to me?
Kurt caught my eye and smiled. My heart suddenly unclenched and relief swept through me. I smiled back as he rolled his eyes at Wes. I laughed silently, but my heart clenched again when I caught Edward's expression. He looked forlornly between Kurt and I, mirroring how I had felt only a few seconds ago. Edward looked at me, but quickly shifted his eyes away when he realised I had seen him. I glanced back at Kurt, and my breath caught in my throat. I'd been such an idiot. How could I not realise that how I felt was not confusion? - It was a full blown crush, and I was currently experiencing jealousy. Jealousy because right now I had a potential rival, when I had thought I had none.
…
After rehearsal, I caught up with Kurt. I walked quickly, but I stopped in my tracks when I saw he was still talking to Edward. Edward was smiling but seemed to be very nervous, as he kept scratching his neck and blushing profusely. Kurt put his hand reassuringly on his shoulder, as if to console him. After speaking briefly, Edward suddenly grabbed Kurt into a huge hug. I tensed, as I saw Kurt stiffen. Sure, Kurt may be okay with me or Mercedes hugging him, but was less accustomed to others invading his personal space. Especially after the whole Karofsky incident, Kurt found it hard enough to have people crowd his space.
I could see the inner conflict clearly on his face as he decided whether to hug back or to remain standing in Edward's arms. To my relief, he patted Edward's back, and tactfully removed himself from his arms. The hurt on Edward's face flashed for a moment, but quickly dissipated as he tried to hide it. What was going on? Kurt looked over at me, and gestured for me to come over. Obediently I did so, happy that he wanted to talk to me. I smiled as I approached, but I was trying desperately to ignore the fluttering in my stomach and my sweaty palms. I tried desperately to ignore the signs of a crush. Kurt smiled back at me.
"Hey Blaine." I was about to reply when Edward cut in awkwardly.
"So Kurt… did you want to hang out or something?" He looked pointedly at me, as if mentally telling me to back off. Yet another clue to build up my hypothesis. I tried to ignore his look, and tried to act indifferent. Kurt's mouth moved, as if to form a sentence, yet nothing came out. He was surprised, I could tell.
"Well, Blaine and I were actually about to study for a major test we've got coming up. You'd be more than welcome to join us, wouldn't he Blaine?" Kurt looked to me for confirmation. I didn't want to hang out with Edward right now, especially when he was giving me the death glare. Which I couldn't really understand why he was doing so unless - he saw me as a rival too. Edward and I were friends - maybe not the best of friends, but still. It was the only explanation as to why he was giving me a bad vibe. I nodded anyway, not wanting to seem like a jerk.
"Sure. The more the merrier." I smiled at Edward, which only increased his death glare. Edward looked down at his watch, suddenly flustered.
"Oh would you look at the time, I completely forgot that I had an assignment to finish. I'll see you around… Kurt." Edward span around and began to walk away briskly, the tips of his ears turning crimson as he turned the corner.
"Edward wait!" Kurt tried to call after him, but Edward disappeared.
"What's up with Edward?" I tried to ask conversationally. Kurt's face suddenly wore an expression of concern.
"I'm not sure I can tell people yet." I didn't want to probe, but my curiosity got the better of me.
"Is he okay? He seemed a little… off." Kurt's eyes flickered around the hall, before he said:
"Lets go to your dorm and study." Kurt stated, changing the subject automatically. I moved to follow him, a little bemused about what was going on.
…
Nothing more was said on the subject until a few weeks later, when Edward began to become more prominent wherever Kurt went. One time, Kurt and I were walking along when Kurt dropped a couple of books. I bent down to pick them up, when out of nowhere Edward had appeared and was already handing the books back to Kurt. I looked up in confusion and saw the lingering look he gave Kurt. My heart tightened and Edward must have read my expression very well, as he gave me a smug smile.
He was always around at meal-times and in free periods. One time I was late to dinner, so I rushed down to the hall to catch up with Kurt. To my horror, my usual spot next to Kurt had been taken by none other than Edward. What made matters worse was that Edward was sidled right up next to Kurt, and Kurt made no effort to tell the boy to back off. I took my seat opposite them and became left out as they began to laugh about some in-joke. Now I knew what Thad meant about the annoyance of such humour to outsiders. Kurt and Edward were becoming closer and closer, and there was nothing I could do about it. The only thing I could do was confront Edward, or tell Kurt my feelings. And neither was going to happen any time soon.
Edward was even becoming more forward with Kurt, even when there were others around. Kurt and I were looking over the latest edition of Vogue together. This meant we were sandwiched together on the comfortable sofa whilst the rest of the Warblers waited for Wes to begin the meeting. I could feel Kurt's warmth seep through his blazer and into my arm, and his scent wafted into my lungs. His hair smelled so good, but I refrained from smelling it as I didn't want to send off stalker vibes. We talked endlessly about Vogue and the latest fashions. Kurt's smile grew and grew as he became so invested in the conversation. It made my heart swell with love just to see him so animated. There was no doubt about it; I was in love with him. It wasn't just a crush, I had really come to love the boy beside me. I was enjoying his presence, just sharing something with him, when of course Edward had to turn up and ruin the moment.
"Hey Kurt, what are you reading?" Edward sat down on the arm of the sofa next to Kurt, boxing him in so he couldn't move from his spot. Kurt looked a little uneasy, but did not express his discomfort.
"Hi Edward, we're just reading Vogue. We were just discussing what a good edition it was this month." Edward feigned interest.
"Cool, that sounds interesting." Edward suddenly became a little too over-familiar with Kurt, as he placed a secure arm around his shoulders. My mouth dropped in surprise. What was Edward playing at? Possessiveness suddenly overwhelmed me, my eyes darting between the two. Kurt stilled in surprise at the arm, but was too polite to say anything. He looked to me for something. Rescue? Help? Edward didn't seem to notice Kurt's discomfort, as he tightened his hold around him.
"Hey Kurt, we haven't hung out in ages, just you and me." His eyes flickered to me, and immediately I knew he was telling me to leave. Well I wasn't going anywhere. I was not leaving Kurt like this. Kurt looked up at Edward, then down at his hands. His fingers twisted in his lap. Was Kurt nervous?
"No, I guess we haven't." He said, his voice lowering a few decibels from his excited pitch before.
"You and Blaine are always hanging out, I'm beginning to feel a little lonely. It's like you're dating or something." What the hell was Edward doing? Was he trying to express my own emotions for me? And why was he talking about me like I wasn't here? My heart began to pound in my chest, as I could feel the heat rise to my face. I looked to Kurt, as I wasn't sure what to say. However, he kept his head down, not looking at either of us. Deciding humour may be the best way to diffuse the tension, I reached out for Kurt's arm and gently stroked it.
"Well, myself and Kurt are like an old married couple. Of course we're going to spend time together." I half-joked, hoping that Edward would back off and return to his normal, friendly self instead of this predator. Edward shot me daggers before smiling down at Kurt. Kurt was blushing more and more by the minute. Reading the waves of discomfort rolling off of him, I suddenly realised I wasn't helping by touching his arm. I retracted my arm, hoping that Edward might move out of Kurt's personal space as well. He didn't move at all. Instead, he began to stroke his fingers over Kurt's shoulder. Kurt shuddered, and began to move off of the sofa. He stood up, released from Edward's grip.
"Where are you going?" Edward questioned, about to stand up to follow Kurt. However, Kurt sensed this would happen and began to speak quickly.
"I'm - I'm going to go to the bathroom. I don't feel so good." To me, Kurt looked perfectly fine, albeit slightly reddened by embarrassment. I could see he wanted to get away from the awkward situation, and I felt bad for contributing to it.
"Are you okay? Do you want someone to come with you?" Edward immediately offered, obviously wanting to play nurse to a sick Kurt. I bristled at the thought of Edward at Kurt's bedside.
"Yeah Kurt, what's wrong?" Kurt glanced at me and sent me a pointed look. He was blinking rapidly, his breathing was a little shallow and fast. He was asking for my help.
"My stomach is a little sore. Must be something I ate. Blaine, can you come with me to my dorm? I feel a little dizzy." Kurt suddenly swayed on his feet. I was on my feet in an instant, wrapping my arms around him to stop him from falling. Edward stood up as well, moving forward until he saw me catch Kurt.
"Kurt?" I whispered into his ear, checking he was really all right. He turned his head to look at me, gave me a small wink and continued to flop in my arms. I knew he was faking all along. So naturally I went along with it.
"Come on Kurt, lets get you into your room." I moved my arms so that one rested around his shoulders, whilst his arm remained around my waist. Edward began to follow like an insufferable puppy. Crap, Kurt's plan to escape wasn't working. I turned to him.
"Its okay Edward, I can take it from here. Thanks for your help." Edward looked at us angrily, and began to speak through gritted teeth.
"Blaine, I'm sure he'd much rather have a close friend with him right now. Let me take him upstairs." Damn this guy was pushy. Kurt looked at me in alarm, before returning to his 'ill' state.
"With respect, Edward, I believe I am a close friend of Kurt's. I'm sure he can verify that for you." Edward looked between us, before moving forward in quick strides.
"I'm taking him." To my surprise, Edward tried to overpower me by literally attempting to pull Kurt out of my arms. I let go of Kurt in surprise, as Edward pulled him into his chest to keep him from falling. "I've got you Kurt, its all right."
"Hey, let him go! He doesn't like enclosed spaces." Seeing Kurt's panicked face, I marched over to Edward and attempted to pull Kurt back away from him. Kurt had suddenly become like a tug of war, with me holding onto his arms, whilst Edward lost his grasp on him. With the sudden turn of events, Kurt's demeanour suddenly changed from weak to strong as he moved out of Edward's embrace. His expression changed from sickly to pissed off within seconds.
"Get off me! Both of you!" He moved easily out of our reach, and looked between us in bemusement and anger. "What is with you two?"
Edward spoke immediately.
"Someone obviously can't keep his hands to himself." He was looking directly at me, his built-up jealousy beginning to spill out. My mouth opened in shock.
"What the hell do you mean? You're one to talk!" I shot back, momentarily forgetting about everyone else in the room. Including Kurt. Edward huffed out his chest.
"I'm not the one stroking his arms or being extra-touchy feely with him or looking at him all the time."
"He is my best friend, of course I'm going to be more familiar with him." I could feel my cheeks warming, the heat rising from them as I tightened my fists. How dare this guy try and expose my feelings? Edward scoffed.
"Yeah, because that's what 'best friends' do." He made quote marks in the air with his fingers as he said 'best friends', making my blood boil.
"Well why do you care so much, Edward?" I spat out. Edward looked startled, suddenly vulnerable. I almost felt bad for the guy, if he hadn't been getting at my throat so much. A loud bang suddenly awoke us to the fact that we had an audience. The door slammed shut as Kurt left the room. Oh no. Edward and I looked at each other, before moving towards the door at lightning speed. I hurled it open, before calling down the corridor to a running Kurt.
"Kurt! Wait!" Kurt turned around, confusion and anger written all over his face.
"I'm going to my room. Alone." He shot Edward a look of rage, before he turned to me. His expression softened slightly, but he still wore his bitch face. That look hit me straight in the heart.
"Kurt, are you sure -" I began, not sure what I was meant to do now. However he cut me off.
"Yes I'm sure. I just want to be on my own." Edward shrunk in on himself, hurt and humiliated by the rejection he'd just faced. Kurt shot us one more look, before turning back and running away, leaving us flabbergasted.
…
I felt awful. I thought I was trying to help him get away from Edward's affections, because he seemed to be really uncomfortable. Had I misread the signs? Had Kurt really felt ill? Had I imagined the wink? Perhaps I had made him uncomfortable. Maybe I was wrong to assume Edward gave Kurt discomfort? All these questions swirled around my mind, but all I wanted to do was apologise to Kurt. I felt so guilty for my own selfishness and now Kurt was angry. I did the only thing I could. He didn't want to see anyone, so I texted him.
'I'm so sorry.'
It was all I could do. I sat on my bed, with my head in my hands. I might have potentially ruined my friendship with Kurt over some stupid rivalry between me and another boy. If I was the one who Kurt didn't want to be around, then I would stay away. At least until I could let go of these feelings I had for him. But, I didn't want to let go of them. I loved Kurt so much. When I was with him I lit up. Everything was better and brighter because he was in the world. Crap, I'd messed this up so bad.
God knows where Edward was. Maybe he was hounding Kurt in person. I really hoped not. That would just make the situation even worse. Damn I wish I could see Kurt to fix this.
By pure coincidence, my phone suddenly lit up. Removing my hands from my face, I picked up my phone, hoping it was from Kurt.
'Come to my dorm.'
It was from Kurt. He wanted to see me. That had to be a good sign, right? I hoped so. Unless he wanted to 'talk' about what had happened. About how he never wanted to see me again. I gulped, ignoring the lump in my throat forming. I had to see what he wanted. Maybe there was still some hope.
…
I knocked on Kurt's door, shaking with anxiety. My stomach was in a tight knot, making my breaths come out shallow and laboured. I was suddenly dreading this. Kurt opened the door to me, lips pulled tightly in nervousness. He looked really drained.
"Hey" I said quietly, looking down at my feet.
"Hi," He whispered, equally as shy as me. I summoned the courage to look into his eyes.
"You wanted to see me?" I asked timidly, as my heart accelerated in my chest. The tension was killing me. Kurt nodded, and motioned for me to enter.
"Come in." I quickly entered and closed the door behind me. I became rapidly aware that I was alone with him, causing my palms to become even more sweaty. I tried to wipe them on my trousers without drawing attention to them. This didn't work, as they were also trembling. Kurt looked down at my hands, taking in their nervous ticks. He looked back up at me, confused.
"Blaine, why are you trembling? Are you cold?" Frozen to the spot, I shook my head.
"No, not at all. In fact, its rather warm, don't you think?" I swallowed nervously, as I began to fiddle with the collar of my shirt. It really was starting to heat up. Kurt shook his head, then cocked his head at me.
"Blaine, are you okay?" Crap, I must have looked like such a weirdo to him. I was never like this around him. I nodded in the affirmative, suddenly losing the ability to speak. If he was going to end the friendship, I wanted it to be done in the quickest way possible. The thought of losing him suddenly brought the lump back to my throat. I could feel the burn of tears attempting to build up behind my eyes as my lip curled. I blinked furiously, trying to stop myself from being so pathetic. Kurt drew closer to me, his passive expression suddenly turning to one of concern.
"Blaine really, what's up?" He placed his hands on my shoulders, trying to catch my eye. Oh god, this was making this worse.
"If you want me leave you alone, I completely understand." I managed to get out without letting tears slip down my face. Kurt's concerned expression transformed to one of pure confusion.
"What? Why would I want that?" He kept trying to meet my gaze, but I continued determinedly looked down at my feet, trying so hard to fight the wave of misery about to overpower me.
"Because, I make you uncomfortable and I'm too overbearing and pushy and you don't like being confined. Which is exactly what I did to you." I looked up at him, finally meeting his eyes. "I am so sorry, Kurt." The fight with myself to stop the tears was back-firing, as they tried to overspill onto my face. I looked away from his intense gaze, wishing I was anywhere but here. Any minute now, the accusation would come and I would be booted out of Kurt's dorm, and his life.
Out of nowhere, I suddenly felt two strong arms pull me into an embrace. Kurt pulled me towards him, and buried his head into my neck. My breath hitched at the contact, as Kurt's breath breezed over my skin, causing goose bumps to rise like tiny mountains. His hands found my waist as he placed them there, holding me tightly in his arms.
"Hey, don't cry Blaine. Of course I don't want you to leave me alone! You're the person I feel the most comfortable around." He tried to reassure me, as he smoothed his hands over my lower back into soothing circles. I gulped in some air, trying to suppress the sobs. As if sensing this, Kurt's hold on me tightened, for which I was grateful for. "Blaine, listen to me, please." He pulled out of the embrace to look me fully in the face, but clung onto me whilst he spoke. I swallowed and listened.
"Its not you who made me uncomfortable." I blinked.
"Really?" Kurt nodded.
"Yes. For the last few weeks, Edward has been hanging around me more and more. At first, I thought he was just being friendly. It was nice to have another friend around here. But then he became more clingy. I just don't understand why he's acting this way." So Kurt didn't know about Edward's crush on him. This was interesting. How could he not see the signs? "But it's not you, okay? Trust me when I say that." He looked at me pleadingly, so I nodded.
"I do trust you." Kurt smiled a little.
"I hope you know I'm telling you the truth. Believe me, you'd know if I didn't want you around." I stiffened a little at Kurt's words, as I realised that I wasn't sure if I would know. But as he was hugging me, something Kurt rarely did, there had to be some truth in his words. I decided to believe him. I hugged him to myself, and whispered in his ear.
"You're my best friend. You know that?" I felt him smile into my hair, as he hugged me a little tighter.
"You're mine too." We remained like that for a few minutes, standing in each other's arms in Kurt's darkened dorm. We were silent, but it felt so right. However, I didn't want to push my luck with how much contact Kurt was giving me. I pulled out of the embrace to look at him, but still remained in his arms, and began to speak.
"Is there any reason why Edward may be more clingy? Like…" I didn't want to out Edward's feelings to Kurt, despite him nearly doing so to me. I came up with possible reasons for his erratic behaviour. "Maybe he's having some problems? Family, friends, school… romantic?" Kurt seemed to wince at the last word.
"Well, he did tell me something. You have to promise not to tell anyone." Kurt looked at me intensely, as if he was trying to work out whether I would be reliable. I nodded vigorously.
"I promise, I won't say anything."
"I know you won't. Are you okay?" He asked again.
I sniffed, but nodded. I was relieved that he didn't hate me. He smiled as he retracted from the hug, and immediately my body felt cold without him. He moved to sit on the bed, and gestured for me to sit next to him. I placed myself next to him, not sure about how much distance I should put between us. I shuffled a few inches away, but Kurt was having none of it.
"Where are you going? Come here." He sidled up next to me, putting his arm around my shoulder. I tensed in surprise. Kurt never really initiated contact. This was new. Kurt continued his tale about Edward; a tale I had already worked out.
"Basically, Edward is gay." I think Kurt was expecting me to gasp in surprise, as he looked to me for my reaction. I blinked, keeping my face neutral.
"Oh okay. Cool. When did he tell you?"
"He told me a few weeks ago. Remember when I was late for Warblers practice that one time? Well, that's the reason we were late. He came out to me, so naturally I had to check he was okay." I smiled at Kurt's kindness, but then remembered we were talking about Edward.
"And is he okay?" Kurt nodded.
"He seems to be. He seems to be a lot happier and more friendly now. He was always a bit frosty towards me. I just don't know what's gotten into him today."
"He did seem to be a bit over-friendly" I said starkly, trying to keep the venom out of my voice. Kurt either ignored or didn't notice the bitterness in my voice.
"Yeah, he was really pushy today. That's why I faked being ill. He was all over me and I just wanted to escape. I didn't realise he would try and act like a rescuer." He laughed nervously. "Sorry about that. I just couldn't think of a valid excuse to leave without him following. I thought if I pretended to be ill and that you took me to my dorm, he would back-off and understand that I needed to be alone. Guess that didn't work." He looked down at his feet, flushing with embarrassment. Trying to reassure him that it was fine, I lightly held his knee and squeezed it gently.
"You have nothing to apologise for. You needed some space, I get that." Kurt looked up and held my gaze for a few, long moments. My breath caught in my throat. His eyes were so, so blue. Our faces had somehow moved closer and closer towards one another. For whatever reason, Kurt realised this and drew back very suddenly.
"I should go find him and apologise. I was really rude to him! Oh god, that was so stupid of me." Kurt moved to get off the bed, but instinctively I reached out to grab his wrist, keeping him in place.
"That may not be the best idea right now. Give him the chance to think about his actions. He was the one in the wrong, not you." Kurt looked at me anxiously.
"But Blaine, what if there's some reason he's acting like this? Maybe he needs someone to talk too." I sighed, letting go of his wrist.
"Kurt, you wanted to get away from him. He seems to be respecting your wishes, so just let him mull over his actions for a while. Maybe he needs some space too." Kurt stayed seated, turning over my words in his head. I could see the cogs of his mind whirring, as his eyebrows furrowed in concentration.
"Okay, I guess you're right." He sighed with exhaustion, bending forward to rest his elbows on his knees, rubbing his eyes. Not sure how to react, I smoothed my hand over his back in comfort, letting him know I was there for him. For whatever he needed. Kurt tensed under my fingers, but then his muscles relaxed, reassuring me that I was doing the right thing. We remained silent for a few minutes, then Kurt sat back up, looking at me wearily.
"Thanks Blaine."
"For what?" I asked, confused. Why was he thanking me? He smiled a little.
"Just - for understanding what I need. I didn't mean to yell at you earlier. You don't deserve to be yelled at like that." He looked down in embarrassment again, so I placed my hand on his shoulder in reassurance.
"I deserved it. I know how uncomfortable you get with personal contact, yet I made the situation worse by crowding you." Kurt looked back up, shaking his head vigorously at my words.
"No Blaine, please understand this. You did not make me uncomfortable, Edward did. I don't mind you - invading my personal space." He blushed at his words, but maintained eye contact with me. My heart began to thud with adrenaline. He liked me being near him? What the hell did that mean? As if to emphasise his point, he put his arm around my waist and sidled up to me. He nestled himself into me, then put his head on my shoulder. His scent drifted into my face and I couldn't help but inhale. In that moment I turned into a puddle of goo. Did he have any idea about the effect he had on me? Casually, I wrapped my arm around his shoulders and pulled him closer to me. I could feel his heart beating away next to me. Thud, thud, thud. I couldn't tell if his heart was beating faster, or if it was just my imagination. I sighed sadly, realising that it was probably the latter. We sat in silence for a while, basking in the warmth of our mended friendship. Not that it was ever really broken. Kurt eventually broke the silence.
"Blaine, what are you thinking about?" Him. I was thinking about him.
"Nothing." I lied. Kurt moved from my side and examined my face. I could feel my heart rate increase, as his closeness was making me more nervous.
"Blaine, you've got your serious face on."
"No I don't!"
"Yes you do! Come on, what's circulating your brain?" He asked jovially. I sighed. Make up a lie. Move away from this dangerous topic.
"I was just wondering whether Edward likes anyone." Well done Blaine, I berated myself. Kurt gave me a strange look.
"That's what you were thinking about? Why would you be thinking about that -" He tailed off, his eyes widening. Crap, he knows! He knows that Edward and I like him! I was done for.
"Do you like Edward, Blaine?" Wait, what?
"What?"
Kurt started talking rapidly.
"Is that why you were so twitchy earlier? Because he was around? You can tell me, I won't tell anyone."
I sat up straight, confused.
"Kurt, I'm not interested in Edward."
"You don't have to lie Blaine. I can tell you're thinking about someone. You've got heart eyes." My heart started thumping erratically. I can't tell him the truth. I just can't. It would destroy everything.
"What are you talking about?" Kurt rolled his eyes.
"Blaine, don't play dumb with me. There's someone in your head, you keep staring into space, like you're dreaming."
I shook my head.
"No there isn't." Kurt sighed, exasperated.
"Blaine, you've been doing it for weeks. Sometimes you stare at me vacantly when I try to talk to you." I am so obvious. I gave in.
"Okay, there is someone I… I think I like. But it's not Edward. Can we drop this now?" I began to feel very tense, and for the first time Kurt's presence was not relaxing me. At all. However, Kurt was relentless, still in a playful mood.
"Come on Blaine, we're best friends. Who else can we have this conversation with besides each other?" I hung my head, not knowing what to do. My heart was hammering away at the speed of light. Yet again, I tried to change the route of conversation.
"Okay, well, what about you? Do you like Edward?" That caught Kurt by surprise.
"I've never really thought about it. He's not really my type." That caught my interest.
"Really? Why not?"
"He's just doesn't have the qualities I look for in a guy. He's a good friend, there's just no… spark between us." I looked up at him then, wondering if he was going to say anything else.
"So… what do you look for in a guy?" What was I doing? Why was I asking these questions? Surely it would attract attention back to me, which I did not want. I was just curious. I was glad he wasn't into Edward, but I wanted to know what he did want in a boyfriend. Kurt looked taken aback, surprised at my question.
"I… I don't know really. Someone who is kind to me, loyal, cares about me, shares similar interests. Having an interest in guys is a must." He laughed a little nervously, obviously thinking back to his ill-fated crush on Finn. I nodded along, wanting exactly what he wanted. This is what I wanted from him.
"But do you like anyone?" Was I nuts? I couldn't ask him that! Now I was going to be rejected and Kurt wouldn't know that his words would break my heart. However, Kurt suddenly sat up straight. He rubbed his free hand on his thigh back and forth, obviously nervous. But why should he be nervous? He took a deep breath.
"There is someone I like. But there is no way he could ever like me back." My heart sank in my stomach. So Kurt did have a crush on someone. He'd never expressed an interest in anyone before. My heart was crushed. I looked up at his face and despite my sudden onset of misery, the look on his face stopped my heart. He looked so sad that I just wanted to comfort him. So I did.
"Hey, why is there no way? How could anyone turn you down?" I put my hand on his shoulder to comfort him. He half-smiled, but it was forced. He turned away from me slightly.
"Because I'm a bratty, spoilt diva who sings like a girl and has no hope in hell of getting out of Lima." My mouth dropped in shock. Where had this sudden negativity come from?
"Kurt, what? You're amazing!" He scoffed at my words.
"Yeah right. As if anyone could find me interesting, good-looking or worthy of love. I'm just a laughing stock." His good humour was gone, and I could see tears were beginning to form in his eyes. His shoulders began to shake. I moved my hand from his shoulder to his back, rubbing reassuringly in concentric circles.
"I really do think you're amazing, Kurt. You're so special and unique. You're gonna find someone worthy of your love." Kurt didn't meet my eye. I sighed. "Kurt, who is this guy? Maybe he plays for our team?" My feeble attempt to coax him into telling me didn't make him budge. He continued to look at his hands.
"He… He's… I can't say." Hang on. What about the whole honesty policy he'd been preaching about beforehand? "He's a good friend of mine and I don't want to lose him over this." Huh, that figured. Kurt and I were more alike than I realized.
"I know the feeling." I replied sadly. Finally, he looked up at me with questioning eyes. They bore into me like fire.
"So what are you going to do about it?" He asked.
"I - I don't know. All I know is, I want to be with him so bad that it aches. The thought of him with anyone else hurts me." Way to keep it subtle, Blaine. Kurt kept looking at me, not taking his eyes off mine.
"Blaine, who do you like?"
"Who do you like?"
"Why are you being so secretive?"
"Why are you?" That stopped Kurt's questions. He began to shake his head violently.
"I don't want to talk about this anymore."
"But Kurt-"
"No Blaine, I can't. I've said too much. I can't -" He pulled away from me, and made his way towards the door of his dorm. Why was he being so evasive? He had no reason to be with me, whereas I did with him. Unless… surely not? Kurt couldn't be talking about - me - could he?
"Kurt, please wait." He stopped at the door, but kept his back turned to me. It began to make sense. The evasiveness, re-directing questions, the running away - I had to take my chances. I was going to be brave. "Kurt, I'll tell you who I have a crush on. Just please, please don't run away." Kurt turned round to face me. I could see his eyes shining fiercely, as he tried to fight the urge to cry. God, I just wanted to hug him.
"Why would I run away?" He tried to say casually, but his cracking voice betrayed him. I took a deep breath. My heart was hammering away, with alarm bells going off saying 'don't do it!' I ignored them. No going back now. Courage.
"Kurt, the person I like is… is…you. I like you." Kurt's mouth dropped as reality stopped around us.
"You - you like me?" He uttered in disbelief. I nodded.
"Y-Yes." We stood staring at each other, not knowing who was going to make the next move. Kurt closed his mouth, but remained where he was. He was staring at me in amazement. I couldn't tell if it was a good or bad sign, but my heart was on a precipice. The more the silence between us was drawn out, the more my heart began to crack. Had I ruined everything? Had I misread the signs?
"Kurt, please say something. Have I creeped you out?" Kurt shook his head.
"No. No, I'm not creeped out. I'm just shocked." Oh no, shocked couldn't be good. I sat back down on the bed, and placed my head in my hands. In that moment I knew I'd ruined everything. If he had reciprocated, surely he would have acknowledged so by now?
"I'm so sorry Kurt, but I can't help how I feel. But if you don't want to be my friend, I completely understand." I covered my eyes, not wanting him to see my tears, my helplessness. How could I have been such an idiot? "Kurt, if you want to leave, just leave. I'm sorry." Tears escaped my eyes, as they dampened my strained fingers, which were clutched desperately to my face.
Out of the misery, I suddenly felt two hands pull my own away from my face. I looked up, finding Kurt kneeling before me, with my hands clasped in his. I looked at him in confusion, wishing the damned tears would just disappear. He gazed back at me, but had a small smile on his face. He linked our fingers together, before bringing my hands up to his mouth. Gently, he pressed his lips to my knuckles, and kissed them. A sob caught in my throat, causing my breath to hitch at the contact. Kurt glanced back at my face, realising I was still catching up with him. His expression changed to one of concern, as he released one of his hands. He reached up from his crouched position and wiped away my tears with his thumb. I watched his actions, dumbfounded. I didn't know how he felt. Once he wiped the tears, he let his hand cup my cheek, although his thumb gently smoothed over my wet skin.
"Blaine, Blaine, Blaine, you'd really think I'd stop being your friend? Because I'll always be your friend. But if you want… we could be so much more." His thumb continued to glide over my tear-stained cheek as he tried to soothe me. He took a deep breath. "Blaine, I really, really like you. I have done for a long time." I let out a breath I hadn't realised I'd been holding. After all that agonising about losing Kurt, I realised that I wasn't going too. He was still here, after I'd bared my soul, and he reciprocated. Oh my god! Kurt liked me back! There was so much I wanted to say, but I didn't know how to phrase it. So I laughed in relief.
"Oh thank god!" I smiled at him finally, and he gave me such a radiant grin that my heart began to swell to double the size. God I loved him.
"Thank god you like me! You have no idea how long I have spent worrying about telling you." Kurt retorted. I withdrew my hand from his for a moment, and punched him lightly on the arm.
"More like you have no idea. I thought I would lose you if I told you." Kurt's smile dropped for a second.
"Blaine…" He said softly, pressing his hand more firmly into my cheek. I let myself lean into the touch. "No matter what would happen, you would never lose my friendship." I nodded into his palm, not saying anything for a moment. This was so surreal. No one had ever had a crush on me before. It was a weird feeling. It made my stomach flutter with hope and giddiness.
"How long?" I asked him. Kurt's smile picked up again as he laughed.
"Seriously? Like, ever since we met." Wow, that long?
"Wow."
"And you?" Kurt asked.
"A couple of months ago, since Thad thought we were dating. But if its any consolation, I've always found you attractive." Kurt blushed.
"Thanks." He said, suddenly shy. His hand remained on my cheek, but I suddenly had no idea what to do next. Kurt must have read my mind as confusion flashed across his eyes.
"What's wrong?" I breathed in.
"So… where do we go from here?" I asked, hoping he knew what I meant. Thankfully he did, as he squeezed my hand in reassurance. He removed his hand from my cheek, and moved to sit back on the bed next to me. He re-took my hand in his.
"Well, I think these things usually begin with a first date, which then leads to a second date, and onto a third date." He said with humour in his voice. I smiled, finally certain he wasn't going to vanish. I squeezed his hand back, grinning.
"So, what are we? To each other?"
"I'd say we're boyfriends, but if that's too fast then -"
"No, no, boyfriend is good. Boyfriend is perfect." I paused, looking for his reaction. He smiled at me, but no longer grinning. This smile was different; it was affectionate, almost loving. I'd never seen him so beautiful.
"Excellent. Boyfriends it is." Kurt was suddenly a lot closer to me than I remembered him being. And I was a lot closer to him. Our thighs were touching, our bodies turned in towards each other. Kurt's eyes flickered over my face, resting on my lips. They quickly darted up to my eyes, before flickering to my lips again. We drew closer and closer to one another, gravitating around until we were finally drawing in. Kurt placed his hand at the nape of my neck, playing with the hair there. I could feel his fingers rake through the strands, making my body buzz with warmth. I could feel his breath on my face, gently floating over the contours and crevasses of my skin. He was faced towards me now, our knees bumping against each other. I brought one of my hands to his cheek, whilst the other wrapped around his waist. He placed his free hand on my shoulder, before linking it with the one behind my neck.
I looked into his oceanic eyes, realising what was about to happen. Our noses were bumping against each other, teasingly waiting for the moment when our lips would brush. Kurt closed his eyes first, before pressing firmly against my lips with his plump ones. The pressure of his mouth against mine caused my eyes to fasten shut, as I began to press back. This caused the gentle buzzing inside of me to suddenly ignite into fireworks. It was incredible. Kissing Kurt was more amazing than I ever thought possible. He pressed in a little more firmly, finally becoming a little less restrained. I saw his challenge and accepted it.
After a while, we had to come up for air. I opened my eyes as I pulled away, resting my forehead against his. Somehow in the time since we began kissing, we'd really closed the distance between us. Our chests were right up against each other, so close that I could feel Kurt's heart beating through my shirt. Looks like I wasn't imagining it after all. Kurt's hands had moved from my neck and travelled upwards to my face and hair. His fingers had begun undo my hair gel, whereas my hands had travelled to his back, holding him close to me.
Looking down between us, our eyes met and we smiled sheepishly at each other. Kurt's cheeks were flushed, his hair completely dishevelled and his lips bruised.
"Well, that was something else." Kurt commented, trying to make light of our new relationship status. I pulled back a little, but only to look at him properly.
"You're so beautiful" I murmured. Kurt blushed even more (if that was even possible). He smiled at me, a little embarrassed.
"You're not so bad yourself" He stated. I laughed, before giving him a small peck on the nose. He was so adorable. That was the day Kurt Hummel finally realised that he was loved, that he was wanted, and that I would do anything for him. Because that's what love does; it makes you want to be the best person you can be. It makes you want to do great things for the one you love, to make huge sacrifices for them. I wanted to make Kurt happy, and that day I vowed that I would do my best to fulfil that silent promise. I was no longer crushed.