Disclaimer: I own nothing but this fanfiction. All characters belong to their respectful owners.

Warning: Not a happy story with a happy ending. Sad and moody (like my current psychology).

A/N: I am a new watcher of POI and since 4x20, I couldn't keep watching it. My heart feels so broken ever since 3x09, I made it to 4th season very difficultly. That's why my pain is new and I cannot write anything fluffy or happy or sweet. I am practically pouring my heart out here, Careese became my OTP on Pilot episode instantly and seeing how it ended broke my heart so badly. I am not okay. That's why I am listening to all these Careese-scenes-musics while writing these... but they only make me feel more miserable.

"Will you stay with me? Just for a little bit."

It was a sentence he would never say in normal circumstances but this was nothing normal. He was dying and nobody was coming for him, because nobody knew where he was. Noone would understand him even if he told them he needed this. They would find it absurd, funny even. Just to feel close to a woman who had died a year ago, coming all this way to a deserted place in this cold weather, chasing after a cold case... Who would do such a risky thing for such a small fragment of feeling of a lost one's memory in heart? Maybe some people, yes, and John was one of those people. When Chase's number came up and the police officer in the presinct told him it had been Carter's case before, he knew he would solve it at all costs. Somethings in this world aren't coincidences, he believed. If this case came to him, it meant something. It had to.

So he came all the way to this place, killed the real murderer and saved Chase's life. The only problem was, he also got hurt in the process. He made his way to the car very difficultly. The wound and the cold felt awful but he saw Carter in the car and knew he had to go. For some reason, she didn't come out of the car to help him but he didn't really give much thought to it. He wasn't aware of what was going on. The minute he got into the car and sat down, he lost his consciousness for a while.

When his eyes flickered open, he again saw Carter right beside him. He was seeing her, right beside him, talking to him, laughing... God that laughter, how much he missed that...

How could she be there, he didn't question. It felt so normal, so ordinary for her to be there by his side when he was heavily wounded. Not that he remembered being wounded. His mind wandered around in his old memories of sharing a car with Carter, also living in this moment of talking to her about Jessica. It was confusing, his mind was going between two places. This moment and that day in the car, where he described how much he loved Jessica. Yet, Carter in this moment was telling him he never did. How could he not?

His eyes were closing slowly, he was trying to focus on Carter but it started to feel odd. Everything she said, everything around him started to seem strange. Then he noticed his wound, the big blood stain on his shirt. How on earth...

Then she told him he was dying. It didn't make any sense at first but then all pieces clicked. His mind had been a puzzle and he finally solved it. He got shot by the murderer, made his way to the car and hypothermia got to him and now he was hallucinating everything. But oh god, how real it all felt... Her eyes, her shiny chestnut coloured hair, her full lips... It was too real to be a hallucination. So he tried to keep his eyes open as long as he could, to spend as much time as he could spend with her. If these were his last moments, he wanted them to be with her. Just like he had told her before; if his number was up, he was just glad he was with her. No one he'd rather be with at the end. Maybe that was the real reason why he came here all alone. He didn't want to share this private trip to old days with anyone. If he was going to die chasing a guy, he would rather do it in the honour of Joss Carter, the woman who managed to open the doors of his heart again. The woman who had died in his arms.

Noone would understand how desperate he actually was deep down inside. How desperately he wanted to see her, touch her, feel her again. There was a big hole in his heart that he couldn't fill. That hole had been there before too, but Joss filled it. Now that she was gone too... He wondered, if really everything that had happened led him here for a reason. Maybe all of this happened so that he could see this imaginary Joss in front of him. She was being a guide, a guardian angel to him in this place, in the middle of nowhere... like she always had been back in the day. He was alive, thanks to her. She gave him a reason to keep his hopes up of being found by Finch or Fusco or Root.

So when he, with a weak voice, asked her to stay a bit more, it was his final attempt of trying to reach out to her. He didn't think her touch would feel so real but it did and that broke his heart more. Yet, the warmth of it, the reality of it eased his pain, soothed his shivering and when he closed his eyes once more, it was because he felt relaxed. He felt at peace. If he was dying, this was a good way to go.

Then a car's headlights were seen from the distance and it woke him up. He looked beside him to see that Carter was gone but it was okay. He felt better, better than before.

He needed this, he had been yearning for this.

No, nobody would understand. They would call him crazy for going to such lengths for even a glimpse of her. But since the day she died, he had been numb, fearless, careless... However now he knew he still had a reason to continue. Even as a hallucination, she made sense and showed him the right direction. The ache in his heart, the pain that grew more everyday, the voices in his head... They were all gone.

Finally he found his peace and one last chance to talk to her, to see her. It was a chance he hadn't gotten when she had died in his arms in one quick moment. Now, he knew she was happy with his decisions and a small smile crept up on his face.

"Whether you like it or not, you are not alone." Her words, which were actually his, echoed in his mind and he, this time knowingly, closed his eyes to rest. He was tired, he was cold, but he was going to get better.

After a long time, he finally had hope again.

"See you on the other side..." he whispered into the dark night, making Finch turn his head and look at him for a brief second. Finch didn't understand what he meant but, those words weren't addressed to him to hear.

Those words were for the woman he saw in the backseat of the car before he closed his eyes, his guardian angel...

Yeah, lately

I know that I've been crawling

I know that I've been falling

Into your dream

x

Imagine no more tears

Dissolving all your fears

With tooth and claw we fight

Into this endless night

-Unkle