Oh fuck there she is.
I stopped shocked in the middle of the hallway.
Pale. Blue. Raven. Beautiful. Yes…check..check.. .
There's no way I'm getting out of this now. I darted my eyes across the hallway, we were the only ones there. Well of course no one else was there it was fucking 2:30 in the morning. What excuse can I tell her, she'll be wondering why I'm roaming the halls like a moron.
I can't exactly tell her it was because I couldn't sleep because I couldn't get my mind off her.
Oh God….shit..ok no more excuses.
I didn't see her first, but I could make out her figure through the dim shapes reflected on the candlelit hall as the figure turned the corner towards me. I had a few seconds before she would turn and see me. I could wait until she turned the corner or quickly dash down another hallway. Something about her had been bothering me and I couldn't sleep. But it wasn't something necessarily bad, I just wasn't sure if I could face her yet without thinking it over more.
I think it was her approaching anyway. The approaching shadow on the wall was thinner than the candle wisp it reflected off of. After all no one was as slim as Terra, well perhaps Starfire, but Starfire always approached bounding with energy. Even the reflection on the wall floated timidly, and Terra always seems reserved around me.
The giveaway was the hair. Even as shadow on a wall the phantom's hair danced with energy. It laughed as it wispily played and danced as it flickered with life. No one had hair like that except for Terra.
But now my decision was made for me. By the time I finally broke my trance with the enchanting wall spirit the golden girl with hair as bright as a candle flame had turned the corner towards me and lit up the hall.
I couldn't move. I could only stare at her deep violet eyes. They stopped me. Oh geez. Oh geez. But her eyes were different from mine. My eyes trembled like my body, unable to rest still. Still, still ….no I cant. Her eyes stayed fixed on me. Locking on, analyzing , evaluating, judging. Did I pass? Oh God I look like an idiot. I could see the gears turning behind Raven's eyes. They were polished and practiced and calm. Calm. I got to keep calm and carry on. That's what Raven would do, that what she always does. So much chaos in my life around me, she always is calm. It soothes me. It makes me feel like everything is going to be ok. And shit, don't get me started on that wonderful ocean of blue hair.
Ok Terra lets make waves.
I took a step closer. Then I realized I still had nothing to say. I panicked…I need something..quick..quick
"Um…Um..Oh hi Raven…"
I couldn't bear to look into her piercing eyes any longer, I quickly darted my focus to right below her eye on her smooth grey cheek.
"Your…um…looking…pale today…I mean..um..in..a…good..way..like..usual."
I really just said that.
Fuck.
Feeling amused at Terra's odd comment I couldn't help but return an off-beat half smile. Her behavior wasn't ordinary, even for her typical chaos. The poor girl was trying too hard. I didn't even need to use my powers to sense her emotions, it was already written over her face—which had turned a deep shade of scarlet.
"Well at least I'm not blonde" I responded with more like a tribulation then I meant to let on.
I frowned. I didn't say it with the usual snark and cynicism I give everyone else, but still it was probably something I shouldn't have said. But I meant it — just not in the bitchy way it probably sounded. If I were to have Terra's hair I would probably kill it. I can't be wild and free and radiate life and love and the way she does. I've always secretly been jealous of having the privilege of lacking control. I can't afford that luxury. I don't like the part of me that comes out if I don't keep my emotions in check. No, I would much rather not suffocate the delicate beauty of her hair and would instead settle gazing at it on her head forever. Even if she doesn't know it her own wild insecurities are what fuel the warmth of her entire being.
But now it was too late to cover up my mistake.
I was taken aback by Raven's comment. What she said didn't strike me as anything out of the ordinary, I mean like a quick retort is something I 'd come to expect from her dry sense of humor. This difference was in the way she said it. There wasn't that usual bite it in the remark….It was more like melancholy.
I suddenly felt very confused…I couldn't figure it out. Raven's like an onion, I just can't get past the first layer. Maybe if I could peel away that concealing cloak….. and slice away that leotard…. No..no. shit. Ah ok focus. Not now not now.
I'm all over the place.
I noticed Terra's surprise at my comment, and then more confusion and anxiety had crossed the poor girl's face.
Damn it, I slipped up for one second—one slight shift in tone—and now she looks like I just had told her some dark secret. I thought I had this entire situation under control. I thought I could control how I felt towards Terra. That's why I spend hours meditating every day for…to control my damn emotions! Everything else I can bottle it up and file it away.
Alright I need to calm down now… 1..2..3.. Azarth Metrion Zinthos
But still I can't…not with that girl.
I could just say goodnight and walk on past her. That would be the easiest thing to do. But something happened here. Something is happening right now.. Running away from things now will only keep me distracted, and with the amount of control I need to keep over myself that could be disastrous. Others would notice too. Maybe not Cyborg and Beastboy but certainly Starfire and Robin would. And then it would only be a matter of time before things came to a head.
No I need to deal with this now.
I slowly walked towards Terra, making sure to keep my face cool and calm. I stopped until I was just an arms length away from her. I could feel the warmth of her quick breaths. I reached out and touched a sliver of her golden hair. Terra gave a quick surprised gasp, but otherwise didn't move.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean what I said. I actually think your hair is..umm…beautiful.
Now it was like I wasn't in my body anymore, like I was watching myself to Raven's comment. I heard myself gasp and fall back slightly.
"I think you're beautiful" I listened to myself tumble out the words.
Suddenly I snapped out of the fog I had fallen into, terrified at what I had just said. Oh fuck oh no.
I saw her gasp too. Her violet eyes lost their confidence mystery, like I had broken down her wall and found her vulnerability. These were eyes I knew well. These were eyes that I had worn. I was terrified that one sentence that I spoke had exposed her more rawly than anything I had ever seen her face. No, no this can't be right. This isn't confident Raven, the Raven I always saw. This was something else, something new. Something I knew too well in myself. And I didn't want to lose her…I knew this. I wanted to help. I needed to help. I loved her.
When she spoke to me I had only had heard Melchior's voice. He had said those same words to me, with the same deep sincerity. Except that his sincerity had been an illusion. And the pain of his insidious illusion seared right through me. I barely made it through that. I couldn't bare to go through that again. I couldn't lost control of myself again. If I became lost I don't think I could find my way out again. And that not only endangers me, but everyone else.
But this wasn't Melchoir….this was Terra. Terra, the girl with the head and heart of gold.
I felt a hand reach out and gently grab my side.
I felt my hand grasp the smooth leather of her leotard. I wouldn't lose her I couldn't.
Shit..I wanted to comfort her to calm her, like she always calms me…I wish..there was something….something I could do to let her know it would be ok.
There was something.
I pulled her in close to me. I passionately kissed her gently on the lips.
I felt Terra's lips wrap gently around mine. And for the first time in a long time I reacted first with my heart instead of head and let my emotions guide me.
I kissed her back.
And there we both stood—two shadows on a wall lit by the flame of our hearts.