River of Pain
By Nike
Warning: Mentions rape. Doesn't get into details, but if that squicks you, stay away and don't say I didn't warn you. God may suffer fools, but I don't.
Disclaimer: I don't own Ani, Ami, Obi, Qui, or Star Wars. Lucas does. Bant Eerin belongs to Jude Watson. The original characters are mine.
Rating: R, just because.
Author's Note: This is plotless. If you can make sense of this, kudos to you.
Inspired by Dorothy Allison's "River of Names". As such, be forewarned that this is very disturbing.
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Padme and I have been married for a year now. She tells me of her family, of gifts on holidays, of working with the Apprentice Legislature and getting involved in politics.
"What was it like for you on Tatooine and in the Temple? Did you celebrate holidays in any way?"
"Yes," I lied, not telling her that slaves don't get holidays off to celebrate with their families, and that the Jedi don't accept gifts.
I'm afraid she'll figure out one day. My wife's not stupid, but she just smiles and snuggles closer.
"That's nice. We'll have to share traditions some day." I look into her eyes. I hate them because they've never seen the horrors I've witnessed yet at the same time I love their precious innocence. I look into her eyes and wonder what lies I'll tell her when that time comes.
-----
There used to be a running joke in the slave quarters.
"What's a virgin?'
"That's a ten-year-old that can run fast."
It wasn't a joke for us kids. It wasn't a joke to Trina, whose master was initiating her to become a pleasure slave. It wasn't a joke to Sizzy, who shared a bed with her stepfather. I was lucky. Fewer people are apt to rape a boy and I could easily avoid and/or outrun those who would.
Mom ended up teaching me about the banthas and the mynocks a lot earlier than she would have liked.
-----
People like to think that the Jedi have it all – that we are unaware of the dirt and grime of society. They don't seem to understand that the dirt and grime is all we see. Greed, murder, the stupidity of those in charge of other peoples' lives; it all forms one big river of pain in the Force. It makes one wonder why we even bother.
-----
Padme asks what missions I've been on. I tell her some of the rare good ones and humorize some of the not-so-bad ones.
"It must be nice to be able to help people like that," she tells me with a smile. I smile back, but it's false. I wish I had the courage to tell her all the bad stories, the sad stories, the stories about death and failure, but I can't stand her innocent eyes or the thought of taking of taking that innocence away. So I don't say anything to her as she falls asleep in my arms. I stay awake for awhile, unreasonably hating her for her innocence and the fact that she'll never understand my world.
-----
I've heard people lament about how Obi-Wan, the Jedi's current 'pretty boy', refuses to be involved in a romantic relationship. I used to complain too, sure that if he got some he'd be a little looser around me. That was before I learned the secret that only a handful of Jedi knew.
Master Eerin and her female Padawan barged in one day. Luzia was in tears and Bant was wringing her flippers. Realizing what was wrong, I called to my master and did my best to help. I expected to hear only one rape story that day – it never occurred to me that Bant would bring Luzia here, not for sympathy, but because one of us had gone through what she had.
When someone sighs about Obi-Wan's celibacy, they are under the impression he's celibate because of a strict adherence to the Code. Almost no one knows he's celibate because he was captured on a mission with Qui-Gon when he was sixteen. The terrorist group holding him captive had all raped him repeatedly for a week before Qui-Gon managed to rescue him.
Bant told me that he hasn't been quite the same since, right before she asked me not to repeat what I had learned that day. People just don't talk about such things.
-----
Padme and I lie together in bed, a rare thing for us, and I bask in the moment. She surprises me.
"I want to have children," she tells me. I freeze, not listening as she babbles on about us raising a family together. It is a beautiful idea but, ultimately, impractical. Any child of mine would be very Force-sensitive – too much to be allowed to remain with his or her family. I would probably be able to visit quite a bit in the Temple, but Padme would not. Besides, in the end, I know Jedi parents are never permitted to train their own children.
I don't dare tell Padme this. I smile and lie instead. I tell her we should wait until I'm Knighted and can spend more time with her. She nods and lets it drop for now.
-----
Kitster and I once tried to teach Sizzy and Trina how to defend themselves. We demonstrated a move first and then practiced on the girls. Sizzy and Trina fell to the ground and refused to move.
"Come on!" I yelled at them. Nothing we did would get them to budge.
"This is hopeless," Kitster told me as he left.
"Why didn't you fight back?" I asked the girls as they stood up.
"Don't you get it, Ani?" Sizzy asked, "If you fight back, they kill you."
-----
"You tell such funny stories, Ani," Padme tells me.
"Yeah," I reply, "But sometimes I don't tell the truth."