Hollow Hearts
Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.
Author's Note: Hey guys, what's up? Now, I know that I have a little oneshot collection of my own (Love Shots), but I was fortunate enough to receive a PM from iWasDumbSorry about this challenge. I've never written an M-preg before, but I have read a couple on the site and I'm willing to try anything once. As most of you may know, I'm a Kogan shipper at heart, but since is this new territory for me, I decided to start EVERYTHING afresh and do a Kames pairing! Just a hint: in this story, it's socially acceptable for both males and females to get pregnant, just so you guys don't get confused. So without further ado, please read on and enjoy…
WARNING: This story contains themes of attempted rape and violence. If you are offended by this, please leave now.
I have no idea what I am at this very moment. If I did, you'd be the very first to know. This is the very first pulse of consciousness I have, and I'm wasting it on pondering the meaning of my existence. All I can see is darkness, a comforting swathe of ebony velvet to hold me as my insecurity writhes around my tiny being. I can't even feel my way around this prison. It's an infinity of unknown, yet it stifles me at the same time. I want to scream, but I'm unable to even form the beginning of a sound. I'm shackled to this blackened ennui. What is this place? Why am I even here?
Every so often, there's this thud that goes off in the distance. I feel this warm tide completely pass through me straight after that. I don't know why, but every time I lose myself in that lake of heat, I feel that much more at ease with things, like I'm at ease with not knowing my reason for being. The answers to my unformed questions are right within my reach, but they slip away every time that beat passes through to the nothingness, leaving me only with my melancholic curiosity. It's the only sound I've heard up until now, but even I can tell that there's something wrong with it. There's a strained echo that follows it, a mourning aftermath of the bewitching thump I catch onto. It's almost as if… something's wrong…
-xoxoxoxoxo-
I am losing myself in this sickening thunder of applause. It should have been so simple really – all I wanted to do was know that this day was real, that it wasn't just my imagination piercing me with the sweet delirium of my histrionics. A single lock of eyes with is all I ever wanted, just enough for those twin cocoa furnaces to silently kill me with their solemn guilt. I wanted to move on today, but it seems that all I accomplished was blasting the semisolid floor of emotion I stood on to smithereens. I'm falling on the inside as I stare around at the smiles on this crowd, but I can never let it show on my face, not yet at least. I am my own murderer for coming here. Two hours was all it took for the crimson shell I call a heart to collide against itself in the most glorious of implosions, but time might has well have stopped the moment I saw him up there at that altar for all I cared. Any normal person would have ran out the door at the first hint, but my stubborn self had to sit there in the very back row and witness the entire charade of torture pass before my eyes, taunting me to a life I'd never know, the destiny that was never mine to own. Why do I feel so much of this if I'm not supposed to care?
The brilliant swathes of white banners circle around the room as one half of my soul happily swings about his new beloved in a mock dance. I have to admit, she really is perfect for him. My own sister: so blissfully unaware that her husband and I were once so entwined, we were one. I have nothing but utter contempt for feeling like this against my own flesh and blood. My little Katie, the unknowing robber of the only person I ever drew breath for. Well, I guess that's not completely true. There is another in this twisted tale of mine, but how can I give myself over when I have nothing inside of me to call my own? As the honeyed melody of 'Paint My Love' starts to play, I watch on as the happy couple cut a rough circle across the dance floor, unable to erase the affectionate crack of lips from their faces. My parents passed away just before Katie went to college, so Dad isn't here to take the first dance with her. He'd tell me that sometimes, one's world just had to fall apart in order to build something better. The numbing lump in my throat tells me that particular ideal won't be of much use to me now. A slight swerve to the right and my eyes meet his. Thunder passes through my body in currents of hurt, paralyzing me where I stand. My breath instantly deserts me, and for one single pause in time, it's as if it's just the two of us standing on opposite ends of the world – him bathed in light and me condemned to darkness, always chasing the other but never once meeting. His gaze rests uneasily upon me, staring at me as if he expects me to leap across the room and steal him away. He's not mad, but I can see my less than desirable presence here upsets him somewhat. I want to tell him what's happening inside me, I want him to know how wrong my little corner of the world has been since he left, but how am I supposed to ruin today of all days? Somewhere deep inside my lungs, a little pocket of air wearily escapes my lips. Pain never gets any better, it just pretends to.
With a quick dip of his head, he passes my sister to one of my uncles, never once missing a beat in the slow crescendo of eighties piano keys. I'm actually surprised that no one's recognized me yet, but then again, I'm not properly dressed for this occasion. In between the chasms of my lows, I threw on a pair of jeans and a formal jacket. I had no intention of giving Katie away today and he knows it. My little sister must have stressed her head out as to why her big brother, the supposed rock of her world, had suddenly eclipsed himself from her radar, but in the game of heartache, there are always some innocent casualties, especially when you draw the selfish lover card, and I'm playing it in spades. A striking fedora mounted carefully across my head conceals my face from the guests, but I am able to see every single ounce of joy in the expressions for the couple, and starkly compare it to my own puffs of hollowness, the only wedding gift I'm able to give them today. Every step the other half of my heart takes towards me leaves my body weaker, struggling for breath in every sense. My legs begin to give out and I wonder if there's an earthquake happening, but a quick glance around tells me I'm the only one moving. Clouds of blackness start to cloud my vision, but no one seems to notice that I'm slipping away into some kind of sleep. Just when the entire room is about to give way to my unconscious, a pair of hands slips around my waist and breaks my fall with the lightest of touches. Barely underneath the band of my hat, I see the melting look of concern burn away at my eyes, seeing right past the thin mist of speechless tears I'm unable to cry. "Let's go outside" he says softly, though his voice shatters what little will I have left. There aren't any questions, there's no alignment of stars to tell me that he'll leave her for me. There's just a quick nod of my head, and one more crack in my chest.
-xoxoxoxoxo-
That thud isn't quite right. I can sense a heightened anxiety every time that wave passes through me. Is it broken? Or is it meant to be like this? No, I don't believe that… no one, even if they aren't sure of who they are, is meant to be this tortured. At least, I don't think so…
-xoxoxoxoxo-
The evening Los Angeles air calms my rising nausea down somewhat. I can feel him pace about anxiously behind me, figuring out what to say. My hand rests gingerly on my stomach, wishing for the earth to swallow me whole to save me from whatever hell this is. There's so much he doesn't know, but I will keep my mouth still to let him lead his new rapture without me at his side. Ever since I found out about the tiny little piece of destruction inside of me, I've only seen his face every time I closed my eyes, pondering how his reaction would be. Would he be happy? Would he care? I just don't know, and it's best if I keep it that way. In a way, I'm trapped in a glass house built with my own two hands: I can see what's on the other side of the wall if I think hard enough, but I will never be able to escape into it. For now, it's just me screaming for everything to end. I know one day it will, God doesn't put an expiry date on every baptism of fire He doles out. Here and now, it's only me and my other half, with an entire universe full of unsaid things between us.
"Please say something" he says finally, snapping me out of my mental reverie. I'm reminded of the possibility that I'm not the only one suffering here. He could miss me just as much, maybe even more, yet he hasn't done a damn thing to stop himself from committing the rest of his life to the second best of the Knights. His voice doesn't judge me a single bit for being here, and for that I'm grateful, but it still doesn't stop me from driving the stake in my own heart. "I shouldn't have come here" I whisper softly, feeling my own voice break unevenly across the sentence. The clack of his shoes stop, resuming only for his body to fully face me. I want to turn around, but I'm afraid to collapse into that void again. "Bells, don't be like this" he murmurs, killing me with every word. Bells… it's an odd choice of nickname for a guy, but he used to say that every time he woke up next to me, he could almost hear wedding bells go off in his head. It's little more than cruel irony now.
"I'm sorry for coming here. I know it wasn't what we'd agreed upon."
"But you had to see it for yourself, right? You won't actually believe it's real until you actually see it with your own eyes." He knows me so well. He's not pissed that I'm here: he's upset that I put myself through a hurt beyond any human comprehension. "Kendall, why are you torturing yourself like this?"
"I don't know." It's the truth – I really don't know. If I knew the reason as to why I'm in the condition that I'm in or why I'm unable to be happy at my own sister's wedding, it would at least lessen some of the heaviness off my shoulders. But life isn't always a case of 'flip to the back of the book and check the answer'. "I can only tell you that I'm sorry."
"Is that all you want to tell me?" Yes. No. I don't know anymore. Does he want me to accept that he's no longer mine? "I… I-"
"I kept waiting, you know. I was wondering whether you'd burst through the door to stop the wedding." My nausea does an instant upturn, forcing me to shut my eyes in the face of its clear possessiveness. "Guess I was too chicken."
"Katie's worried about you. She hasn't heard from you since the rehearsal dinner." I shake my head, letting my sad grin spread across my face like a wildfire. "But you did. Is it that hard to pass on the message?"
"She won't ever know if that's what you're worried about Bells" he says, taking a slight step forward. His hand reaches out to lie hesitantly on my shoulder. My soul immediately plummets to the very depths of the Inferno, burning my mere body to ashes. "But we will James."
"Do you wish that you could forget about us?"
"I can't, in case you haven't noticed. The real question is do YOU want to forget?" He takes another step forward until his body is right up against my own, sending my head spinning away into its own mad orbit. Just him being this close to me causes my weak body to quiver pathetically, but I have to be strong. "Do you know how hard it is to not run away with you right now Bells?" he asks softly, slipping a few of his fingers into my open palm. My eyes shoot open, feeling dread fall into me like ice. "James, we-"
"You're here. I'm here. On a wedding night no less. Sounds like something straight out of the movies. So what are we to do now?"
"Nothing. We just let go."
-xoxoxoxoxo-
It's stopped. Everything… it just stopped. I can't feel anything.
-xoxoxoxoxo-
The blank slates of white I'm staring at now are so much more clinical than the ones I lost myself in last night. It's more reassuring than I expected, yet so removed from what should happen here. From what I've seen, this isn't a place of absolute; it's more of a polite transition to the truth of all truths. The people that walk in here don't come out the same way – from what I've seen, it's not case of what they lose, but the solemn clarity they gain that changes them. Life, whether you create or destroy it, isn't something that you take lightly. I'm not too big on the whole theology side of things, but the pull of miserable gravity across my heart tells me that one day I will look back on this as the second biggest regret of my existence, that I selfishly saved myself from reminding my poor psyche of the biggest regret of my existence. There will come a day when the man I stare at in the mirror will call brand me a betrayal to the very essence of parenthood, that my guilt will whirl around me in threatening zephyrs, calling out my name in blaming taunts. I can't say I'm proud of myself for going through with this, but at least this will give me the shove I need in a direction where I can't even turn my head to look back, but I guess that that's the entire point of a place like this. People who walk in here can't walk out the same way; it wouldn't make any sense if they did. There's an exchange that happens here – a piece of their body for the eternal imprint of shame across their faces. A scar for a life, repression for guilt: that's the real price here. No one sees it or even knows it's there, but they do… and it's time I join this miserable crowd.
My head is still against the leather rest, but my mind is slowly crawling away into the sheer bliss of madness. It's not anyone's fault I'm here; after all, even I didn't know I was supposed to end up like this. James and I, we were so lost to each other that the rest of the world seemed like a flimsy excuse for the contact only we could provide to the other. It was only us in our little bubble: our joys, our sorrows, our wants and desires – we could barely see beyond the other person. Where I ended and he began was so irrelevant, we were one and the same, two extensions of the same dynamic. We escaped into the other so seamlessly; we couldn't even breathe if we weren't together. But all things must eventually go to the opposite of what they currently are – what's new becomes old, what's together must separate. One weekend, we drove up Ojai without as much as a word to anyone. We left our phones in my apartment, locked up and headed out to explore the paradise locked away in our bodies. That weekend, I saw stars in the palm of my hand and swam across galaxies with gods. I moaned and screamed, twisting my body into all sorts of sinful contortions, feeling my consciousness synch up completely with the heartbeat that wasn't my own. I didn't want to leave, but it seemed that Fate had other plans – the minute we came back to L.A., I found my sister tearfully glaring at me like some wounded kitten from across my door. In the space of thirty seconds, I found out that my parents had passed away in a motor vehicle accident and that I was the worst son and brother ever to cross this planet. That night I realized that maybe I had lost control of where this all headed, that maybe two people weren't meant to love each other so deeply. James didn't even flinch when I confessed my guilt. Up till now, I think he'd been expecting it all along. We had crossed the line, and we'd have to suffer for that. For four years after that, I cut all ties with California, preferring the dusty solitude of Arizona. I can't even begin to count the calls I got from family and friends begging to come back home, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. When you taste perfection like that, you can't help but think that everything else seems so secondhand. I never laid eyes on James until six weeks ago, when I had to return to Los Angeles on business. One chance run in and it was like we never even left Ojai. I don't remember the name of that hotel we went to, but I stared up at a ceiling just like this one as my body slotted against his like two halves from the same stone. He marked me as his own for three hours, drowning all of my moans into a deluge of kisses. When it was done, he casually let me know that he was engaged to my sister, that their wedding was in one and a half month's time and asked me if I would be so kind enough to give my sister away. I should have been mad, but how could I be? How could I be so selfish AGAIN? All I asked him was if they were happy together. A nod of his head was all it took for me to leave my soul right there with him. My body on the other hand was never the same since.
"Kendall Knight?" I tilted my head upwards at the gentle call of my name. A man in a long coat smiles at me from the end of bed, his hand flying across the clipboard he's holding like quicksilver. He's shorter than me, but I think the cow's lick in his hair more than makes up for his height. "I'm Doctor Mitchell."
"Hey." It's not a lot, but it's all I can manage for now. I think this guy must have seen every single reaction in the book in this line of business. For a second, I wonder if this is the right thing to do – this is something I've played over and over in my head ever since I found out what was happening; it's not a decision I sucked out of thin air. "I understand that this isn't a simple thing to go through Mr. Knight, but we're going to do all we can to make this as easy on you as possible." The doctor's voice swims like silken ribbons through the haze of white my eyes seethe in as I lay my head back down. Damn it, why does this place have to be so bright? "Does it hurt?"
"Maybe afterwards, but it's like when you cut yourself on the finger. By tomorrow, you won't even feel anything." Anything… like it wasn't even there to begin with… like that part of my life was neatly sectioned off and removed into oblivion. "Do it."
-xoxoxoxoxo-
There's this faint light on one end of my prison. I can't turn to see it, but I know it's there. I feel its warmth spread through my entire being, but it's different from that wave I'd feel from that thud. I feel… disconnected… like I'm going away somehow…
-xoxoxoxoxo-
I can hardly believe that the gym bag I'm busy staring at so blithely contains every single belonging I have since I came back to Los Angeles. A couple shirts, two pairs of jeans and my laptop are all I brought to this city, and it's all I'll take when I leave it. The four walls of this hotel room surround me in judgmental silence, but they're kind enough to keep their comments to themselves for now at least. There isn't a property to my name anymore, a fact that is so fitting for someone who lives his life in the 'in betweens' rather than the here and now. I'll probably forget everything about this room in an hour's time when I leave, but I guess I should pay my respects before I go. I've said words I've been too afraid to say elsewhere, brought life to my hopes and fears by giving them names here, names that won't exist when I fly back to Arizona. I've lived and died a million times here, resurrected by the faint promise that maybe the next day won't be so bad, a promise that was all for naught, but I guess I can appreciate the sentiment until I'm somewhat whole enough to realize that I've descended into a fucking nutcase over the past couple of hours.
It's gone – it, no he or she here. A microscopic part of my body was destroyed today and will never return. I shouldn't care, but every fiber in my body is busy mourning the tiny life that would have been, screaming out what I've done for the rest of the world to hear. I had taken the life of an innocent child in my game of pain, my own progeny that was fated for erasure from the moment its pure little soul entered my body. Did it have its own heartbeat by now? Could it feel that I cursed myself for ever letting it go? I'm too broken to even bring myself to feel something. Right now, I want to catch myself over in place that's less than human so I don't have to deal with this. I can only offer quite breaths for an apology to my child far above me in some heavenly abode. My eyes sting, but no tears come out. My body is rebelling against me for having committed an act so heinous and I can only surrender – after all, I'm the one who betrayed it first. "Forgive me" I croon softly, but I'm not really certain who these words are for. I've done so much wrong in so little time, what does it matter that I add a killing to this infinite list of evil? "I wasn't strong enough for you." I wasn't strong enough for anyone in this life. In this, I am my own greatest weakness, a pathetic excuse for flesh.
There's a knock on the door that causes my skin to jump slightly, but I just shake my head exasperatedly. I don't want human contact right now. I just want to bury myself in so much guilt that it blocks me from even seeing in color. I close my eyes as the wily thud echoes across the room again, forcing me to collapse the air in my lungs. "Bells? Bells open up." His voice rings as clear as day. I wince slightly, laying a hand on my stomach. There's no scar to show what I've done, but the damage I've done to myself is in the little ruby shards of a heart I keep to myself. What a sardonic tragedy of errors my life has become. I shouldn't answer that door, but I owe him one last goodbye. As I trudge across the room, my mind slates itself into blankness. I stop thinking, the last process that reminds me I'm still living. I am empty now, and I can't help but feel I wanted it like this. I ended things, so I have no right to complain. I'll take my silence now as my friend and live out my days in black solitude, the only thing I can manage. My hand quakes as I turn the knob, but a sharp burst of will powers it open to face my very own angel of death. His expression does a quick survey of my state, his eyes roving up and down my body like he's looking for something. "Shouldn't you be on your honeymoon?" I ask, my voice a deathly whisper of its normal crystal tones. He arches an eyebrow, parting his lips slightly. "Can I come in?"
"I don't-"
"Please?"
He crosses the door without waiting for an answer, searing me with that questioning gaze as shuts the panel of white behind him. He tilts his head for a second before reaching his hand out to lift my T-shirt. His fingers graze themselves across the skin of my belly, but I hold my own against this silent assault. His eyes lower their chocolate heat as his other hand joins the first one to lift the T-shirt over my head and discard it to the floor. If this is what he wants, so be it. I don't care anymore. "You know Bells" he says softly, his hands tracing themselves around my stomach, "the next time you want to kill our kid, do yourself a favor and don't use our fucking joint account!" Without even taking a breath, I'm knocked to the floor, pinned down by the forceful hands now crushing my wrists. I realize my mistake – I paid with the account that we set up a long time ago in both our names instead of my own. He must have gotten the notification from the clinic when the transaction went through. I arch my body upwards to try and fight him off, but he's too powerful to throw off. His anger burns through my skin like lava, scraping desperately at my flesh. He can't see anything but me and he wants to draw blood… and I want him to. "You fucking sick murderer!" he curses through gritted teeth, pushing his body up against my fragility. "You couldn't even tell me!"
"I… I'm sorry."
"SORRY? YOU TOOK OUR CHILD'S LIFE AND YOU THINK THAT COVERS IT?" My wrist is temporarily freed, but in the next second I feel his hands grip at my throat. I try to scream but I'm battling to find a sound. His eyes are dark now, the warm curiosity banished by a stormy violence. Instantly, my breath is free, only for my body to flipped around like a ragdoll. I wince from my procedure as my pants are ripped away from my legs with the easiest of pulls. His nails scrape down my back and for the first time a weak howl of hurt comes forth from my lips. I feel tiny vermillion drops form across the trail he leaves, but he's not satisfied. He wants me broken, at death's door so I know how it felt when I did what I did. His hands scratch against my hips, before I feel two of his fingers enter me with the force of a bullet. There's no going back from this anymore. Maybe this is what I deserve, but he needs to know the truth. "Raping me won't bring it back."
"DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME!" My head is slammed against the floor until I see stars, but I fight against the comforting sleep that wants to take over. My body is transcending against its assault, until the pain he inflicts almost feels normal. I prepare myself for what's to come, but instead I hear a choked cry from behind me. This time, I'm turned around as if I would break, which I'm about to if he collides me with one more hit. His tears fall onto my chest, his face contorted with the agony I thought only I was privileged to know. "I love you so fucking much and you go and do something like this?" he asks thickly, pressing his head against my torso. My arm automatically wraps around his back, feeling his every shudder pass through me like it was my own. "I'm sorry" is all I can offer, but I know it's too late.
-xoxoxoxoxo-
I don't know how long we've been lying on the floor like this, but every deadened heartbeat that comes from inside me seems to take forever to pass. Time really becomes so immaterial when the pain you're dealing with escalates beyond any plain sense of reason. I've missed my flight, a fact I carelessly roll around in my head as I listen to James's sobs softly diffuse into the air around me. He shouldn't be here right now, but neither one of us admits to that as we try to comfort each other through the mess I've created. Katie must be worried sick, another truth I let blithely slide from my mind as I feel his hands come to life on my body, like he's substituting his tears to apologetically trace his emotions across my skin. I'm incapable of even remembering how to breathe as I feel his fingers tenderly limp across the bruise he's painted across my hip. He's completely destroyed me, yet he seeks solace in my shards of despondency. This will never heal – we will never move past this no matter where we are. It's his face I'll see every time I fall to sleep, his voice I'll hear when I realize that this entire nightmare is reality. We've destroyed each other too much to let life pick up the pieces we leave behind on this battered trail. We know each other too well; love one another too much to say that we've accepted what happened with an open heart. In all meanings of the term, we have failed as human beings.
The clear buzz of a cell phone suddenly disrupts my musings, filling the air with an urgent hum. I cock my head curiously as my love shifts his weight to fumble in his pocket, his gaze so wounded that it barely meets my own. I can't stand that I've been stupid enough to reduce him to my own level of darkness, but I know now that it's the unknowing penalty I must go through for my foolishness. "It's Katie" he murmurs, staring blankly at the flat slip of screen. In less than a heartbeat, the innocent iPhone is flung from his hand with a bitter fury, collapsing to pieces against the wall. I bite my lip anxiously, watching his head turn back to me, a raging tempest with me in its path. "Bells" he whispers hoarsely, running his thumb like velvet across my hip bone. My arm limply falls to my side, leaving my body wide open. I'm his to with whatever he pleases; love, hate or forget. "Bells, I can't keep doing this anymore. I can't… I can't keep living without you."
"I'm sorry I left" I say quietly, lifting my hand to line his face with my palm. His lips swoop upon my own, reminding me what heaven tastes like. My hands blaze down the button of his shirt of their own accord, nearly tearing it off so I could feel his own heartbeat call out to mine as it pulses against my skin. Pulling back for air, I watch his eyes mirror the emptiness in my own, swaying my head with the full impact of our mutual destruction. My morality is long forgotten, and I know his is too. We need each other, for now at least, to complete the voids we make on our own.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he asks, running the side of his hand through the faded sunshine of my hair. I take a painful gulp. "I couldn't face having another you in my life while you went and married her. I'm not that big of a person." I turn my head away in shame. "I'm not you."
"We could have done something" he says, trailing his teeth with restrained frustration against the tendon of my neck. I relish in the lines of irritation, closing my eyes as my head throbs with abandoned wanton, an aftermath of my punishment. "We could have been a family Bells."
"I couldn't do that. Not to you or her."
"So you went along and suffered on your own?" His teeth caught onto my earlobe, tugging at it pleadingly. "That might be the dumbest thing you ever did."
"Tell me what you would have done."
"You know what I did" he says, effortlessly pushing himself off my body to stand over it, like a hunter claiming his prey. A quick fiddle of the zipper and he discards his pants next to mine, gracing me with the glorious spark of his being. "I tried to be happy."
"Can I ask why her?" My eyes glimmer hopelessly at the vast cocoa oceans of emotion burning straight at me. "You could have had anyone, but why my sister?"
"Because it was the closest thing I could get to you." I close my eyes in the face of his sentence, feeling him gently flick his hips to push our groins together. I throw my head across the carpet, feeling the scars on my back writhe joyfully upon me. I know where this is headed. "Not like this" I hiss softly, feeling his tongue sinfully carve into the hollow of my neck. "Not now."
"Too bad Bells. This is exactly what I want."
I can't deny this to him. I'm his personal play ground and he owns that with a world full of twisted force. He rains kisses down my torso, trailing his mouth down my belly. I feel a mournful press of lips against my skin, against where that tiny life was extinguished. This is his way of late connection, his last show of respect for a soul already gone. My erection immediately springs to life as he reaches my loins, throbbing achingly for the release I denied the both of us. His lips teasingly run across my length, forcing pleasurable quivers to practically quake out of me. He's honed this lust over our relationship, studying every single trick of my flesh with deadly accuracy. A shooting stare from his eyes tells me that this time is different – he wants my submissiveness now, not my heady reciprocation. My teeth nearly draw blood from my bottom lip as I feel his mouth slowly engulf my member, bobbing his head up and down in sensual liberation, encouraging the tired thrust of my hips. His tongue savors my taste, sparking electricity as it mocks my sensitivity with its cruel, wet licks. Like so many times before, I am lost to this, to him. Morality is beyond my understanding at this point: I can only see in the colors of my own need. A finger slips inside me, arching my body up with an unintentional groan coaxed forth from the very depths of my throat. My head violently twists from side to side; my breath comes in pathetic clouds. Another of his fingers enters inside me, bringing me to the very pinnacle of my shadowed bliss. I can't take much more of this. "Please… no more" I pant, watching him give my steeled erection one final lick of torture. "You've forgotten this already?" he asks softly, positioning his body over my own. His own member stretches itself to full lustiness, the only show of his excitement at all of this. He misunderstands me. I don't want mercy, I want completion. I want to be so lost in him that I forget I exist by default. I want everything that he is, everything that we were. "Please" I whisper. "Make me whole again."
Granting my request, he slowly pushes into me, eliciting profligate trembles to break out across where we connect. My breath stalls inside of me, heaving my chest as he continues his war on me, finally reaching his goal. "I didn't fight for you when you left" he murmurs, stretching his body down until our foreheads lightly brush against each other. "But I'm here now, and you'll have to fucking murder me before you leave me again Bells." I lift my head to connect our lips, feeling his hips rock slowly into me. Every tiny movement was like an earthquake to our bodies, every moan and groan a heavenly chorus to our ears. I feel like I've been set on fire from the inside out, my affection burning at me, begging me to fall into this. "Ah!" I bay, locking my legs around his waist. I can't hold on for much longer, and neither can he. His pace increases, his teeth locking themselves against my neck. With a final stroke of his hips, my other half sends us both beyond the edge, our nirvanas ripping through us until we were numb. Our bodies betray us in the utter rebellion of flesh, shutting down every single fiber until we could only feel our emptiness fade away to the blackness. His seed empties into me as he collapses against my chest, reduced from cocky possessiveness to meek gasps for air. "Please Bells" he begs, planting a kiss just above the splatters of my pleasure. "Please don't ever go." I smile weakly – if he only knew that I didn't even have a choice. I'm pinned to this, whether I flourish or die by it. I can't ever turn my back. "Never babe."
-xoxoxoxoxo-
"But I wanted the window seat!" I roll my eyes at the playful whine, choosing instead to focus on the fast disappearance of the sweet sanctity of the solid ground beneath us. The ice white of the clouds swim around the window, pulling themselves into the most audacious of shapes. I find peace and culpability at the same time, both tearing my essence to their sides in the battle for my sanity. Almost out of instinct, my hand places itself across my stomach, and I let the guilty weight of my action break across where my spirit should have been. As if on cue, I find my hand being taken into his, turning my head quizzically to face him. "She'll hate us forever once she finds out" I say softly, blinking slowly to take in the full watch of the brown mirrors looking on in consternation. "Let her" he whispers, moving forward to brush his temple against my forehead. I settle into his hold, knowing that at some point, the world we thought would always stay the same would turn against us. "It's just you and me from now on Bells."
"Wasn't it always?" I smile sadly, pressing my ear against the lullaby of his heart. Even together, we're not complete – far from it actually. The only thing I feel now is that this eye in the storm never leaves us. I've been left for dead, a hollow place where life once existed. I can only hope that he brings me back once more. "Only you can love me."
Well guys, that's it… I gotta say, I'm pretty taken aback by how dark that was. What did you all think? Please leave a review and let me know! Ciao