AN: This fic is based on the song by Trent Willmon called 'On Again Tonight', you can check out the lyrics at the bottom. It was a song suggested by Akane Nyx as a perfect song in light of recent Bones spoilers regarding Hodgins and Angela. It's mostly based off the most recent ep 'Salt in the Wounds' but no biggie if you know the spoilers and haven't seen it. Anyway, this is my first effort at J/A so be nice, but criticism is definitely welcome.
One Eye on the Future
I was the one who told you that you should think about the future, that living in the moment doesn't always work. Yet that's what I'm doing tonight. Even as I dial the oh so familiar number I know I shouldn't be doing it. I know that we're not together anymore, that there's little chance we can regain what we once had and sometimes I can even convince myself that I'm okay with that.
But tonight I find myself needing you. I need to feel your soft, tanned skin against mine; listen to your heartbeat and see your eyes staring into mine filled with a passion like no other. I can't remember ever needing you so much. And I know you have taken a vow of celibacy and I shouldn't ask you to break it. Yet my needs overpower my sense of propriety and for once I allow them free rein.
I never expect you to answer, I thought you'd be out with Doctor Saroyan or Brennan, or with one of those guys that you've been spending your time trying to get to know. I wish it was me you wanted to get to know, because for so long now I've wanted to know everything about you. We can't go back to what we had because even that slight seed of doubt was enough to change things.
Even so, I can't help but ask "Would you come over?" I hear you hesitate and I almost think you're going to hang up on me, but you're not a coward.
"Hodgins" you plead, and I know it takes every ounce of self control for you to say it, that like me you probably don't have the strength to turn me down. It's been a hard day and an even harder case and this time it really would be comfort sex, but it wouldn't mean any less.
"I know Angie, I shouldn't be asking, but it's just" I don't want to tell you, but first and foremost you are my friend "The nightmare's are back" I hear your sharp intake of breath and know you remember as well as I do the months after my kidnapping and entrapment within Brennan's car. They'd come back in full force when I finally knew the identity of the person who had kidnapped me. The woman. Even then I'd known there was more to it, how could a woman her size do what had been done, to Booth and us. We'd finally caught the son of a bitch who'd been in on it and I couldn't sleep.
"God Jack, I'll be there soon" I can hear the anguish in your voice, a pain that I had put there. I feel instantly guilty, guilty for hurting you the way I did, for causing the only woman I'd ever loved pain.
Our relationship seemed nothing more than a series of very steamy encounters sometimes. I told you once that I was okay with you not marrying me if we got to be together and I thought I'd meant it. But I've come to realise that can never be the case, I want it all. I want the wedding, the commitment, the family. I want it all with you. Or I don't want it at all. I've resigned myself to never getting it, because Angela Montenegro lives in the moment, she doesn't plan for the future.
Tonight, I exploited that.
When you come to my door, you look stunning, yet I know that it's not something you've done especially for me. It's too casual to be deliberate, besides I know that you're not fussed about your clothing, as long as you're comfortable you're happy. I don't expect to feel your arms around me, but you crush me against you in the door way and I rest my head easily on your shoulder, the familiar scent of your perfume calming me already. I manage to pull myself out of your grasp.
"Would you like some wine?" It's the first thing that pops into my head and I so badly want to diffuse the tension I can already feel building between us.
"Sure" you agree easily and follow me down to the cellar. I try not to think about the last time you followed me down here. We'd gone down for a bottle of wine to drink and ended up spending three hours down there in the dark musty basement room. We'd made love in the old servant's quarters. I see your eyes flick over to the closed door and I know you're thinking about that night too. It was so long ago, we were eagerly anticipating your divorce so that we could get married, so that we could start a family. You'd wanted to start right then, so had I. I guess we were unsuccessful.
So much has changed since then. You finally got your divorce and everything changed between us and then you, in a move I'd never anticipated turned to your college sweetheart. When that had ended we found ourselves in the Egyptian exhibit making love. That day it was me rather than you who decided it couldn't continue. Do you have any idea how much it hurt for me to turn you away?
I pull out my best bottle of wine, the kind I only keep for special occasions, but to me you are a special occasion. You take the glass from me and follow me to the living room I rarely use, why would I when I have everything I need in the bedroom? I have no idea when things turn sexual between us, one minute we're drinking on the sofa and the next we're kissing frantically, unable to get enough of each other. It wasn't really my intention when I called you, though I'm sure the thought snuck into the back of my mind, but it wasn't your body I wanted, it was you. The whole package.
I know I'll pay dearly for my actions in the morning but I allow myself this moment. I allow myself these touches, because I know they might be my last. In a brief moment of clarity I pull away from you.
"Angie?" I don't verbalise my question, because you already know what it is.
"Yes" I nod, as long as you're sure. We will deal with the consequences later. Because that's what you do when you live in the moment. Everything after that is a blur of tongues and fingers and skin. It's hard to tell where each of us begins and ends. You tell me that is what love is, and maybe you're right. Either way, I love you. Whatever that means. I wish I didn't sometimes; everything would be so much easier then.
The only thing I know is that you are there when I go to sleep. I'm holding you, using your presence to bind me to reality even in my dreams. I know I'm clinging to you and I feel like an insecure teenage girl who's in love with a boy she thinks is the one, but who's really just another mistake. I don't know if you'll be there when I wake up, you always have been in the past, but this is different. I know that I want you to be there, but I don't think it will make much difference, especially since I haven't told you.
As it happens you're not there when I wake up, but there's a sketch on the pillow next to me of us lying together, with 'moments pass' in your swirly hand at the bottom. I feel a ghost of a smile on my face, but it's not the same as waking up with you in my arms.
The same thing happens more often than it should after that. Sometimes you stay sometimes you don't. If you don't there's always a sketch on the pillow where your head rested hours earlier. It's ridiculous that we're torturing each other that way but we can't live without each other and we can't live with each other. We need our space, both of us. You need the freedom to roam as you please and I need physical space, to know that I am not going to wake up gasping for air in the backseat of a car. We both have our demons and they keep us from having what I wish we could.
I hold on for the day that there will be no off. For the day when we will overcome our demons and be able to once again commit to something more. Even so, I don't believe the day will actually come, because everything tells me that relationships end more often than not and even if one day we can commit to each other the chances aren't great that it will be forever. But as you invite me to your apartment and I accept I know that I have to keep hoping because anything else would be akin to treason. So I will live with whatever on and off arrangement you allow me, because I can never stop hoping, I will always have one eye on the future.
On Again Tonight by Trent Willmon
I'm glad you picked up the phone.
Yeah, I know that we both agreed,
We'd leave each other alone.
We're just wastin' our time,
We know it ain't right.
There's no goin' back, but havin' said that:
I wish you would come over,
An' drink my best bottle of wine.
If you can lay on my shoulder,
An' I can lean on you just one more time.
You can mess up head,
An' mess up my bed,
An' leave before the mornin' light.
I need your on again, off again, on again tonight.
I don't expect things to change.
We've got to get on with our lives.
Space is a beautiful thing,
When you need some room.
I don't know about you, but I'm lonely right now:
I'm just thinkin' out loud.
I wish you would come over,
An' drink my best bottle of wine.
You can lay on my shoulder,
An' I can lean on you just one more time.
You can mess up head,
An' mess up my bed,
An' leave before the mornin' light.
An' I need your on again, off again, on again tonight.
Well, no, I don't care; I can come over there,
An' I can drink your best bottle of wine:
'Cause I need your on again, off again, on again;
Your on again, off again, on again tonight.
Again tonight.
AN: Leave lots of reviews. Hope you enjoyed.