Author's Note/Warnings/Disclaimer:
Hihi! Well, this ficcie is downright scary. I believe I was on marijuana when I wrote this. Or maybe I just ate too much pocky again. Anyway there will be YAOI!!! Shall I say it again?There are hints of YAOI!!! SHOUNEN-AI!!! FRICKEN BOY LOVE!!! So don't flame me if you don't like yaoi. Shoulda read the damn warning.
Anyway, I don't own GW.. yadda, yadda, yadda. The format is screwed, but oh well. On with the fic!
You Would Have Known… If You Paid Attention!
By: teague
The scene is a large studio with a gaudy stage and two contestant pedestals. There is a large audience of rowdy otakus, waiting for the show to begin. Suddenly, the lights go out and corny theme music plays.
teague – (walks out onstage waving at the audience, holding a microphone and a handful of index cards) Hello and welcome to You Would Have Known…
Audience – (joins in)If You Paid Attention! ©®™
teague – yes, thank you! We have a GREAT studio audience today!
Audience – (cheers)
teague – well, let's meet our contestants! First, your typical royal brat… Relena Peacecraft!!!
Relena – (walks out, waving and shaking hands)
teague – that's what you go by these days, right?
Relena – (sitting behind her contestant's podium) umm, yes, last time I checked, Ms. Teague.
teague – please, if you insist on using formalities, I prefer Empress teague, or Almighty One, or Ultimate Goddess, something like that.
Relena – I don't insist on using formalities.
teague - …oh.. anywho, our next contestant – ex-gundam pilot Duo Maxwell!
Duo – (takes his seat next to Relena behind his own podium)Hello everyone!
teague – how are you today, darlin- I mean Duo???
Duo – Just fine, thank you.
teague – Well, let's see what our contestants are playing for. Prizegirl?
Camera pans to the other side of the stage where the Prizegirl, Wufei in a sparkly red dress, is picking a wedgie out.
In the audience…
Quatre – Why wouldn't teague let me be the Prizegirl??
Trowa - … she said Wufei would be funnier…
Quatre – But I wanted to be the Prizegirl!!!
Trowa – You can be the Prizegirl tonight… (suggestive wink)
Quatre - Ohhhh… hehe… Tro-chan.. I love you..
Back on Stage…
Wufei – (still picking wedgie)
teague – Umm, woofers??
Wufei – (grunting with the effort to pull the wedgie out)Don't call me that, onna. What?
teague – you're on network TV
Wufei – (stops his battle for a moment)We're not on network TV.
teague – Fine. I lied. CABLE ACCESS television AND THE INTERNET, and you're picking a wedgie.
Wufei – so??? it's painful and irritating. (picks at it again)Pantyhose doesn't go good with my underwear. I can't believe I let you PAY me for this! Injustice, I tell you… (face brightens) Hey! I got it out!
teague – (deadpan)whoop-dee-doo, good for you. Now show off the prize, dammit!
Wufei – (nods, slicks back hair, and walks over to a large box with a blanket draped over it.)
teague – Our contestants will be competing for…
Wufei – (pulls curtain off the box)
teague – HEERO YUY!
Relena – HOT DAMN! That prize is MINE!
Everyone stares.
Relena – I mean… that would be a very nice prize… ahem…
Duo – hehehe…
teague – so, heero?? excited to be here?
Wufei – (holds a microphone up to the glass box)
Heero – (barely audible)
omae o korosu.teague – (sigh)I know… anyway… Shall we continue?
Audience - (cheers)
teague – I am loved. K, so the game's simple. I ask questions to one of you at a time, and you answer them. Whoever has the most correct at the end of the show, or when local TV decides to discontinue this freak show, wins Hee-chan.
Heero – (still muffled)
.. go to hell…teague – Heero, do you mind? I'm busy at the moment. Any questions?
Relena – Do you cut people's fingers off if we get the question wrong, like in that Japanese game show on SNL?
teague – If I have to. Kidding. This isn't SNL… it's not half as funny. Okay, Relena won the toss up, so she gets the first question. Ready, contestants?
Both nod.
teague – alright. (tosses her a page of info for China)Study this a moment, will ya? (counts slowly to ten, then grabs the map up)Here's the question: According to this page, what is the second most populated Chinese city?
Wufei – I know! I know this one, onna!
teague – we don't care, Prizegirl. I'm asking Relena.
Relena – But, I didn't have enough time to-
teague – whoops, sorry! Outta time! But… You Would Have Known…
Audience – (joins in)If You Paid Attention!
©®™teague – clever, eh? See, the title of the show is also the point of the game. Simple, just as I said.
Relena – Don't you have judges to verify I had enough time to study that map of yours??
teague – yeah.
Relena – well, ask them!
teague – I'd rather not bother them until I absolutely have to…
duo – who are the judges?
teague – ehh, you'll find out. Anyway, so the answer was-
Wufei – It was Chongqing!!!
teague – umm, no it's not.
Wufei – Yes it is!! I know!
teague – nope. here. Read the page.
Wufei – This page is from 1967!!!
teague – so? I said According to THIS page. See, we're not Jeopardy and expect you to know stuff off the top of your head. Just pay attention and you'll know! K. Next question. Duo, I'll read you something and then ask you a question.
Duo – (nods)
teague – alright. (Opens an encyclopedia and scans the pages)This looks good. Epicureanism, spelled e-p-i-c-u-r-e-a-n-i-s-m – system of philosophy that claims soundly based human happiness is the highest good, so that its rational pursuit should be adopted.
Duo – (is trying hard to remember it all)
teague – It was name after the Greek philosopher Epicurus. The most distinguished Roman Epicurean was Lucretius. Now, the question is, how many letters are there in the word Epicureanism?
Duo – (jaw drops)uh, uh, 11?
teague – nope, sorry. 12. Hey, man, the info was there. You could have counted the letters when I spelled the word out.
Duo – (pouting)I'm not complaining.
teague – Good. Back to Relena. Listen carefully. Schizophrenia, spelled s-c-h-i-z-o-p-h-r-e-n-i-a –
Relena – (has counted the number of letters with a satisfied look on her face)
teague – psychiatric disorder of many and varied manifestations in which person loses contact or misinterprets reality. The question is spell Schizophrenia.
Relena – Umm, it has 13 letters????
teague – Hehehe, wrong! Okay, Duo… how many times have the words "You Would Have Known, If You Paid Attention" been said?
Duo – hmm… (counts on fingers)four?
teague – no, just three. Where do you get four?
Duo – Well, you just said them in the question,
teague – yeah..
Duo – They were said two other times in the story when the audience joined in…
teague – isn't that all?
Duo – No. And also when you put the title for the fic up.
teague – But should that count?
Relena – (shakes head vigorously)
Duo – Ask you judges.
teague – Good idea. Judges?
At the Judges' table…
Zechs – So, you use Feria by Loreal to keep your hair that color?
Treize – Yes, it's all anyone should use. It's the only hair color worth your money. Now can we stop talking about my hair and look some more at our Wuffie-chan in that hot dress?
Zechs – Ah. Yes, sorry dear.
Both have their eyes glued to Wufei, who is now re-applying some mascara.
teague – Umm, JUDGES?
Treize – Oh… what?
teague – do we count his answer?
Zechs – What answer?
Relena – They weren't even paying attention!
Treize – (looks at Duo)Ehh, he's cute, give it to him.
teague – K. You're right!
Duo – It pays to look good.
teague – Relena may have a chance to catch up- what? We're outta time? In that case, our winner is DUO!
Audience – (cheers)
teague – but don't worry Relena. No one goes away empty-handed. You get to answer all the flames this ficcie gets!
Relena – (deadpan) joy.
teague – C'mon Duo! Claim your prize!
Both walk to Heero's box.
teague – Our Prizegirl will now open the box!
Heero hurries out of the box and Duo glomps him.
teague – Another happy contestant. See you next time on You Would Have Known…
Audience – (joins in)If You Paid Attention! ©®™ Credits Roll. After Show Updates: Heero and Duo are happily living together. Treize, Zechs, and Wufei's bedroom habits include sparkly red dresses and mascara, and Trowa and Quatre sued for the severe lack of them in this fic. Relena is still answering flames and teague promises not to write a fic while on marijuana ever again. ~^Owari^~ Heero – Thank God.