Title: Let us go
Author: Tany
Category: Angst, Vignette
Characters: Elliot Stabler, Kathy Stabler
Feedback: Much appreciated! ;)
Archive: My Journal, contact me to archive someplace else.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Don't own the show, characters, settings, anything! They all belong to Dick Wolf & NBC. I only borrow them from time to time for my own personal amusement! ;)Summary: He has to let her go, he knows this is the way it's supposed to be.
A/N: This was inspired by a song performed by Spanish artist Bebe called "Cuidandote" which means, "Taking care of you" in English. This isn't a songfic, but it was definitely inspired by this song. Now while I'm not the biggest Kathy fan; I think everyone deserves a chance to tell his or her story, so here it is. Oh, I have no idea whatsoever what Kathy's maiden name is, so I totally made that up after doing some research on last names. Hope you like.
Special thanks toM. (delgaserasca) & Chels (chelskay) for being my beautiful betas. Thanks for your nice comments, you guys give me lots of confidence in my writing. Love 'ya both, lots! ;) I also want to thank anyone who has reviewed my other fics, it really means a lot to me, so thanks!
Here's an excerpt of the song and its English translation:
Y la dejaste volar (And you let her fly away)
y tus ojos lloraron hasta doler (And your eyes cried until they hurt)
Pero solo tu sabias que así tenia que ser (But only you knew that this was supposed to be this way.)
Ella prometió darte todo, (She promised to give you everything)
pero solo pudo darte lo que tuvo (But she could only give you what she had)
Y para ti lo más hermoso, (And for you the most beautiful thing)
era amanecer junto a sus ojos, (Was to wake up to her eyes)
iluminando el mundo (Lighting up the world)
Kathy Stabler entered the place she once called home. The whole house seemed so foreign to her. It almost felt as if she was a burglar breaking into a stranger's house to steal the memories of a once happy family.
She looked around and saw clothes thrown on the living room floor and plates scattered on the coffee table. "Oh, Elliot." She said to the empty house. "I bet he hasn't been here in days." She moved to pick the clothes up but stopped herself before she did. She shook her head slightly and thought, 'What am I doing?'
She made her way to the kitchen and put the envelope she had in her hands on the table. She looked around and noticed that there weren't any dishes in the sink or around the kitchen. She chuckled sadly and thought, 'Of course not, they're all sitting around the coffee table in the living room.' She took a glass from the cabinet, opened the fridge and poured herself some orange juice. She started sipping her drink while she made her way to the breakfast table and sat down. She gave a weary sigh and began thinking about what she was about to do. Her heart was beating uncontrollably fast. She held onto the glass in her hands as if it were her lifeline. She sat up straight once she heard the front door open. 'Oh, God. He's here.'
"Kathy?" the familiar voice of her husband filled the air.
"In the kitchen," she replied trying to keep her emotions in control.
Elliot made his way to the kitchen and smiled sadly at his wife.
"Hey." He said, his voice raw with emotion.
Kathy had called him and said she needed to talk with him. He had been dreading the meeting all day, but remained hopeful that maybe this meant things were going to be fixed between them. That maybe they could be a family once again.
Kathy smiled at him. She noticed how the lines on his face were more defined, and his blue eyes were clouded with a thousand emotions.
He sat down across from her and asked, "How have you been?"
"I'm ok, El. How about you?" She knew the answer just by looking at his tired features, but still made it a point to ask.
He shrugged, "I'm ok, I guess. Tired, but ok."
She nodded. 'Here we go.' She thought.
"You must be wondering why I needed to talk to you."
Elliot chuckled softly, "Yeah, a little."
Kathy remained silent; looking at her hands holding the glass of juice. This wasn't going to be easy.
"Elliot…" She began, but he interrupted her when he noticed for the first time since he entered the room the large envelope on the table.
"What's in the envelope?" He looked into his wife's eyes for an answer, and felt his heart break when he saw the sadness that he found there.
Kathy let out a weary sigh, "This envelope contains the divorce papers."
Elliot opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came. He just sat there looking at the envelope between them. His heart beating furiously. His hands started to sweat as he felt himself getting dizzy. 'This can't be happening.' He thought.
He clenched his jaw and asked, "What?"
"Elliot, I want a divorce."
"But, Kathy… we can still fix this." He said as he motioned between them. "We can still fix us."
"Is there really an us anymore, Elliot?" Kathy said as she tried hopelessly to win the war with the tears that were fighting to fall from her eyes.
Elliot stood, walked around the table and sat down next to Kathy. He reached out for her hands and said, "What about the counseling we've been doing these past few months since the separation? I thought we were getting somewhere."
Kathy looked at their hands intertwined, sighed and lifted her gaze up to meet his. In a soft voice, barely above a whisper she replied, "Elliot, you've missed half of those sessions."
"I know and I'm sorry. But I promise I'll try harder, Kathy. There has to be more that I can do, that we can do. You can't just walk out on 20 years of marriage, Kathy. You can't just leave without even trying."
'Is he serious?' She thought, now feeling anger starting to bubble up inside her.
She extricated her hands from his and said, "I have tried, Elliot. I've tried for years. But I can't do it alone. Not anymore. So don't tell me that I've walked out of this marriage without trying." She had lost the battle with her tears, and they were now flowing freely down her cheeks.
He just looked at her, not knowing what to say, what to do to make this go away, and go back to being Elliot and Kathy Stabler, loving husband and wife. He moved to wipe away her tears, but she swatted his hand away.
He didn't say anything, so she just continued.
"Elliot, this isn't something that happened overnight. This has been going on for a while now. I've been trying to make this marriage work for years. I've been trying to be the understanding wife for years. I've been trying to get you to open up to me, Elliot. I've been here working at it, but where have you been?" She felt her voice rise with each sentence.
"Kathy, you know the job…" he started explaining, but she cut him off.
"Yes, I know about your job, Elliot. I know how stressful it is. How demanding, how dangerous it is, but please stop using the job as an excuse. Please acknowledge your fault in all of this. At least give me that much. I deserve that much."
He felt like he was slowly drowning in an ocean of pain and regret and there was no one there to rescue him. He felt his chest compress and tears begin to form in his eyes.
He looked at his wife and for the first time in what seemed an eternity he really saw her. Not the mother of his children, not his life mate, just Kathy.
"I know…" he croaked, his own voice seeming foreign to him.
"I'm sorry, Kathy. God, I'm so sorry." He lowered his head to his hands and rested his elbows on the table.
Kathy looked at her husband and her heart broke in a million pieces. 'What happened?' She mused, 'how did we get to where we are today?'
Her hand reached out to touch the back of his head and caressed him gently not wanting to startle him.
He took her hand in his, and lifted his head. He delivered a soft kiss to the heel of her hand and held it in his own. He looked into her eyes and thought about how beautiful she looked, even without makeup, even with the weight of the world on her shoulders.
After staring into each other's eyes in silence, Elliot spoke, "Kathy, I know I haven't been there for you, I know I barely talk to you, but please there must be something I can do. I can leave SVU, if you want me to." The mere thought made him flinch almost imperceptibly. He continued, "I can take a job that's less demanding, with shorter hours. Please, I'll do anything. I miss you."
"You miss the kids." She corrected him. "You miss the house full of noise. You miss having a warm body next to you in bed every night. But you can't miss me 'cause we haven't really talked to each other in years. We haven't really looked at each other in years. We don't know each other anymore, Elliot."
"That's it then? What happened to 'for better or for worse'? What happened to the promises we made to each other? The vows we made before God?" He asked starting to feel angry. He was angry with her, angry about the situation. But mostly he was angry with himself.
"What do you want me to say Elliot? Yes, I remember those vows, those promises. We promised each other everything. We promised we would confide in each other, we promised we'd be there for one another. How can I be there for you if you won't let me in? How can we confide in each other when I'm the only one talking?" She held her hand up to her mouth to stifle her cries.
She was right. He knew that. But it still hurt like hell. He felt as if someone had just knocked the air out of him.
"I don't want to give up just yet, Kath. I need to fight for this a little longer." He whispered still holding on to her hand, looking into her eyes.
"I don't have it in me to fight anymore, Elliot. I've been fighting this battle alone for the better part of a decade, and I'm tired. Somewhere between being your wife and being the mother of your children I lost myself. I don't know me anymore, Elliot. Who am I? Do you even know? Because I sure as hell don't." She sniffled and wiped her tears with her free hand.
He looked down, chuckled bitterly and said, "I don't even know who I am anymore." He looked into Kathy's eyes once more, "I love you."
She smiled sadly and placed her free hand on his cheek, her thumb wiping a tear that had managed to escape from his eyes. "I've never doubted your love for me, Elliot. I know you love me and I love you. I will always love you. You are the father of my children. But we just aren't in love anymore, El. We're different people now. You know that."
He shook his head from side to side, not wanting to accept that this was really the end. "Yes," whispered Kathy. "Let me go, Elliot. Let us go. We can't keep holding on to something that doesn't exist anymore."
Tears fell freely from Elliot's crystal eyes and landed on Kathy's hand. Suddenly he reached out for her and hugged her with all the love and sorrow that he felt in that moment. She went into his embrace willingly.
They both let go at that moment and sobbed in each other's arms. And they felt every single emotion the other one was feeling. And they stayed that way until the tears subsided.
He pulled back from the embrace, but still remained holding her and asked, "What about the kids?"
"We'll talk with them. It'll be hard, but in the end it'll be better for them. It's not healthy for them to have to watch us fight all the time or worse watch us not even talking to each other. It'll be ok, they're strong kids, El. Like their dad." She gave him a small smile. He smiled back, and replied, "No, like their mom."
"I don't want to separate you from them, El. I want you to understand that. You can see them and talk to them anytime you want, ok?"
He nodded, "Thanks, Kath."
They remained holding each other for a while, looking into each other's eyes.
Elliot brushed his lips against hers, and she opened them slightly. The kiss was soft and gentle. It was everything they were and everything they couldn't be. It was the end and it was the beginning.
They broke the kiss and Kathy started to get up.
"Um, I'll leave you this." She said motioning to the divorce papers. "And you can sign them later. You can send them to my lawyer when you're done."
He grabbed her wrist and said, "No, I'll just sign them now."
"El…" She started.
He held up his hand and stopped her, "It's ok, Kathy."
He reached in his coat pocket for his pen and signed the papers.
Kathy nodded. "I'll take these to my lawyer then."
"I'll be out of the house by the end of next week."
"Elliot, that's not necessary. Take you're time."
"No, my children deserve to come back to their home."
"This will always be your home too, El."
He got up and smiled sadly, "Yeah, I know."
After a moment of silence he continued, "When are we going to tell the kids?"
"How about tomorrow? You can come by my parents house, and we'll tell them then."
"How about you bring them here? I think it'll be better that way."
"Ok. I'll call Maureen and tell her to meet us here. See you tomorrow then."
They hugged one more time.
"Yeah, tomorrow."
He walked her to the door.
Kathy looked up at him and said, "I know you may think you're alone, but I know you're not. And that makes me feel much better about all of this. Because at least I have the kids with me, so it's nice to know you have someone too."
He looked at her, confusion swimming in his eyes, and asked, "What are you talking about, Kathy?"
"I'm talking about Olivia. You have a strong bond with her. I could see it in your eyes, every time you talked about her. I have to admit though, I was kind of jealous of that bond."
"Kath, Olivia and I are just partners, we've never…"
She interrupted him and reached with her right hand to touch his cheek, "Yes, I know El. But she's also your best friend. And I'm glad you have her in case you need to talk to someone. But can I give you a piece of advice?"
"Sure."
"Don't push her away. I know how hurtful that can be, and there's no need for you to do that to her."
Elliot looked down, somewhat ashamed of how much he had hurt Kathy by not talking to her.
He lifted his head and said, "How'd you know I was pushing her away?"
Kathy smiled.
"I may not know you as well as she does, but I know you El. When things get rough, you push the people you care about the most away. So, don't."
This time it was Elliot's turn to smile. "You're very special, Kathy. And I want you to know that I will always love you. You gave me the most incredible kids in the world. And I will forever be grateful to you for that."
"I know. You'll always be in my heart too. Bye, Elliot."
"Bye, Kathy."
He watched her get in her car and drive away.
He locked the door and looked around the house. He walked slowly to the living room. Everything he was feeling at that moment hitting him like a ton of bricks as he collapsed on the couch.
This was it. This was the end. The end of his marriage. He had to let her go. For her sake, for his sake, for his children's sake. He knew this had to happen. He knew why this had to happen. And he cried. He cried until he had no more tears to cry. He cried hoping to wash away his sins, his regrets, and his pain.
Kathy Stabler drove in silence back to her parents' house. A weight lifted off her shoulders. She let the silent tears flow freely as she thought about her life until now. And then she thought about how her life was going to be from now on. It was a scary thought, but a welcomed one. As much as she loved her husband, she knew this had to happen. Someway along the 20 years they were together they had grown apart and out of love, and it wasn't fair for them to continue in a marriage without love and trust. They deserved better, their children deserved better.
As she arrived at her parents' house she could see her children through the living room window and smiled. Dickie was playing some sort of video game, Kathleen was on the phone and Lizzie was having what seemed to be a very animated conversation with her grandmother. They were still a family; she just wouldn't be married to Elliot anymore. She wouldn't be Mrs. Stabler anymore. She laughed through the tears at the thought of being Katherine Stevens once more.
She wiped her tears, and put on a happy face. Her future was uncertain and scary, but she was happy. Happy to be able to end her marriage amicably. Happy to have her children. Happy to be able to be herself for the first time in years.
She understood how this would be difficult for Elliot more than it would be for her. But she took comfort in the fact that he wasn't going to go through this alone. He had Olivia to help him. And while she wasn't the biggest fan of Olivia Benson, Kathy had to admit she was a great woman and Elliot's best friend.
She stepped out of the car and took a deep breath as she thought to herself, 'Thank you Elliot, for letting us go.' And with that she stepped inside the house and prepared herself for the start of a new life.
Fin.