SPOON
By: 1000th Ghost
Once upon a time there was a spoon. He was a lonely spoon. He had no friends.
One day, he decided to go for a walk. Then he realized that he had no legs. He was very depressed because he obviously couldn't take a walk if he had no legs. So, he decided to get some legs. He looked around for a pair of legs. At least, he tried to. That was when he realized that he didn't have any eyes either. He was getting quite frustrated by this point. He swore that the next thing to walk by that had a suitable pair of legs, he would kill, and take the legs as his own. A little boy walked by, but the spoon couldn't see him. A little girl walked by, but he couldn't see her. A dog walked by, but he couldn't see it. A cat walked by, but he couldn't see it. A humming bird, Princess Diana, a hippopotamus, thirty Spiderman action figures, a highly evolved pot holder, and Darth Vader walked by, but he couldn't see them. He was getting very impatient and therefore decided to listen to Ronnie Mathews "I Saw Your Face and Wow!" CD. Then he realized that A: He didn't own the CD, B: That CD only existed on Hey Arnold!, and C: He couldn't listen to it anyway, because he didn't have any ears.
He was so lonely that he started to think about…no he didn't. He didn't have a brain. He couldn't think. He was so depressed that he decided to kill himself. Only, he kind of didn't have a life either, so he really couldn't.
Then the little girl's grandmother came into the kitchen and said "WHERE THE FREAKIN' HECK IS A FREAKIN' SPOON SO I CAN EAT MY FREAKIN' DENTAL FLOSS FLAVORED PUDDING!"
Then the little girl said, "Why grandmother dear, there is a lovely spoon right here on the countertop. Why not use it?"
Somehow or another the spoon managed to understand what they were saying (despite his lack of…well, everything) and he hoped that the grandmother would pick him so that he could be her friend. By the looks of it, she couldn't see or hear either, and who knows? Maybe she didn't have a brain. One never can quite tell.
His thoughts were interrupted by the grandmother, who said, "I DON'T FREAKIN' WANT TO USE THAT FREAKIN' SPOON DO YOU FREAKIN' HEAR ME WHAT THE FREAKIN' HECK HAS THAT FREAKIN' SPOON EVER DONE FOR FREAKIN' ME I HATE THAT FREAKIN' SPOON HE'S SUCH A DIRTY NASTY LITTLE FREAKIN' SPOO-oh look, my soap opera's on."
With that, she left.
The little girl went up to the spoon.
"I'm ever so sorry my grandmother said such unkind things about you," she said. "I'm sure that you're an ever so dear little spoon. I'm ever so sure that my grandmother ever so didn't mean to say those ever so rude remarks. Will you ever (so) forgive her?"
Then a million screaming people came running in with torches and pitch forks and grenades and bazookas and a whole lot of bubblegum, and hacked her to pieces. Then they hacked her pieces to pieces. Then they hacked the pieces of her pieces to pieces. Then they hacked the pieces of the pieces of her pieces to pieces. Then…there was nothing left so they all went home.
The spoon decided that humanity was really violent, so he didn't want friends anymore.
Now he was bored. He decided to go to sleep. Except that, you know, he couldn't since he was an inanimate object. But, in the end, more or less all was well.
Then Darth Vader came into the kitchen. (insert heavy breathing) "Spoon, I am, your father!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-really?"
"Um…no. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Then Darth Vader picked up the spoon and used it to eat the grandmother's freakin' dental floss flavored pudding.
The End