Edward left my life around...two years ago, and my heart still hurts like it's the first day. I always thought of heartbreak as an expression, but it's not. And when it does happen to you...it's unexplainable.

When I think of him, I feel like I am being pulled two ways. Part of me thinks if he came back I would fall to my knees and grovel and beg for him to take me back. But my other half hates him with the fire of a thousand suns and likes to think if he ever came back I would hurt him – bad - In any way possible.

**

I wake to the feeling of a cold, hard timber floor under me, and I couldn't remember how I got there.

I opened my eyes and looked around - trying to regain my memory - when it comes to me, I'm in my current Seattle home/crack house with my best friend Jenny.

It was Edward's fault I was in this shitty situation anyway, because drugs were the only way I could cope with the pain of him not being by my side. So I have been doing drugs for about a year and a half.

I sighed. I would sell my soul for one more kiss, for one more minute in his arms. I crave him more than I crave my drugs, and what kills me is I can't remember his smell or the feeling of knowing his presence was there without touching him or feeling him, but just knowing he was with me.

But I needed to stop thinking about that right now, because I'm feeling the pain of withdrawal. So I stand up and step over everyone – they're all too high to notice me anyway – and head towards the room I share with Jenny.

I met Jennie a year and a half ago at a random party of Mike Newton's – celebrating his parents being out of town or some shit. I didn't want to go but Mike begged me, saying I needed to have fun and forget about the past. But he was careful not to mention Edward (of course). So there I was at Mike's house, sitting at the top of the stairs hiding from his and Tyler's advances – and away from the party itself – just wallowing in self pity and pain, when the new girl Jenny came up and sat next to me.

*Flashback*

"Why so sad?" she asked playfully, nudging my shoulder.

"I'm not sad...just tired "I said weakly we both knew I was lying.

"Okay..." she stretched out the 'a' into multiple syllables, "...well I'm Jennie" she said awkwardly

"Bella." I responeded shyly. Then I noticed she was lighting a hash joint. I gaped at her when she looked over at me and giggled.

"Want some?" she asked, handing it to me

"No! I don't...I don't take things from strangers." I said seriously, but she just snorted.

"Hun, it's not laced or some shit. I brought it with me from California."

I caught myself thinking, 'Why not, what the worse that could happen? I've never heard of anyone that overdosed on marijuana, unless it is laced.' But I felt that I could already trust this stranger, she was...different. So I grabbed the joint and took a drag.

While I mowed the grass I started thinking about Edward, and what he would do if he knew I was smoking hash. (A/N lol mowing the grass means to smoke hash, inside joke) He was always so overprotective – almost abusive – and didn't want me to do anything that could jeopardise my health. He wanted me to live as long as possible as a human because whenever I brought up being changed he would have a fit. It think he just didn't want to have to deal with me for eternity.

Even though he didn't want me for eternity though, I think he would be pissed off if he found out that I was smoking marijuana, because I did promise that I wouldn't do anything reckless. But it's a two way street, he said he loved me, he promised that it would be like he never existed. And he broke that promise. So why should I be the only one keeping my promises?

I felt really high from the thought of defying him. I had been a submissive bitch who always let him guilt me into what he wanted me to do. But look where that got me, alone and a broken heart.

Plus We had a blast chatting. But I was careful not to tell Jenny about my past, and I think she was aware it was a sensitive topic, so she didn't bring it up either.

*End Flashback*

The drugs didn't take away, they just made me able to look back on them and smile. But I still remember the heartache he caused me.

After that party Jenny and I were joined at the hip. We were so close it was like we were sisters. We mainly hung at her house because her mom was always at work and her dad wasn't in the picture. When we were at my house we stay in the bathroom with the fan on so it was easy to get rid of the smoke once Dad got home. He was so happy that I had a friend that he didn't notice we got high all day every day. Even at school.

But after a while the pot wasn't enough and the pain of losing Edward got worse.

I needed something to make me forget him completely, not just fog over the details. So Jenny and I got into alcohol it helped me forget him, and also made sure I didn't know what I did during the course of the night.

Jenny never knew why I was so desperate to forget. I knew why she was though, she hated always being alone. Her mom made them move every year and Jenny hated her for it.

After a while the alcohol wasn't enough either and we started moving on to hardcore drugs. At first it was fine. We had enough money, but then we needed the drugs more because we got addicted.

So that's where I am now, I was heading to my room to find my drugs and my best friend Jenny. I walked into my room and saw her unconscious with the rubber string we used to minimise the flow of blood still tied around her arm and her head was turned away from me.

"Hey bitch! I can't believe you let me sleep on the floor while you slept in my bed" I said jokingly, but she didn't answer me.

"Jenny?" I asked, wobbling towards her. "Hey Hun, come on wake up." I was shaking her light form when i noticed that she was cold, really cold. I turned her over and looked into her hooded eyes. They were gray and lifeless and I did the only thing I could think of. I screamed.

"Jenny, no! God please no!" I sobbed, laying my head on her stomach. Suddenly Dave – our drug dealer and owner of the house – rushed in

"What's the problem baby?" he asked then looked over at Jenny and sighed

"Shit." He stated and took his cell phone out of his pocket and began calling someone. I just watched him in a daze, he was so calm. "Hey man," He said into the phone. "Yeah, I got another one I need you to take care of. Thanks I owe you one." he closed his phone and looked over at me. "Baby we have to get rid of the body. I'm sorry but I can't have police ruining my business." I just looked at him, I was too shocked to think let alone form words. So I just turned back to Jenny's body and began crying over it. I felt Dave come behind me and then I felt something sharp – a needle? – being stuck in my arm. Everything glazed over and I was completely unaware of anything around me.

I woke and it was dark. I didn't know how long I was out but Jenny's body was gone and I was lying where she had been. I wasn't mad at Dave. I knew the rule: no cops. And it wasn't his fault anyway, it was mine. It was all my fault. We should have quit but the pain of withdrawal is agonizing. We both have tried to quit, but it was too hard.

And it wasn't like i hadn't seen someone who had overdosed, when you live this kind of life you get used to death. But seeing my best friends body was sickening, and I had to get out of here.

I got up quickly and grabbed my clothes, drugs and my and Jenny's $5000 we had won from turning tricks. Then I ran out to Dave's old Chevy and drove away.

I just drove. I didn't know where I was going but I needed to get far away. All I knew was that if I stopped I'd be forced to think about what I had just gone through, and I couldn't face my thoughts right now I needed time to get over the shock.

But unfortunately I'm human and eventually needed to rest. I pulled over and just sat there, thinking about Jenny and the Cullen's and crying my eyes out. I needed someone to talk to and I had no one.

I pulled the one plastic bag with all my stuff in it and pulled out a joint.

I started thinking about where I could go that was far enough away from Seattle because Dave would send someone after me to make sure I didn't squeal. Canada was a fair way away, but I could go to Alaska, which is still part of the continental US.

I had made my decision. I was going to Alaska. I would catch the Bellingham-Haines ferry.

I began driving towards Bellingham, figuring I better get started. It would only take about 1 hour and 40 but I wanted to get going so I could get to Alaska.

As I drove I thought about the stories Emmett used to love to tell me about his family in Denali, all the fun stuff he did with his cousins, when it dawned on me. I could go there! Carlisle must have told them about me, and I would be able to talk to them. It was perfect. I was sure Carlisle wouldn't be friends with anyone who was horrible, so they might even take me in.

I was excited now.