BREAKING NEWS:
Purebloods Zacariah Reeds and Harriet Reeds, confirmed Death Eaters, were found dead by the train station, King's Cross, on the eve of July 21st. They were stricken by the worst of the Unforgiveable curses, the killing curse. What is more, their dark marks were burned off, suggesting they were killed by fellow death eaters. Not much more is given to the press, but rumors have been flying around that the Reeds had been planning to flee the country, therefore betraying their death eater duties, which must've resolved in their death.
Traitors.
Cowards.
Mud-blood lovers.
She'd heard it all. Even before going back to Hogwarts, she would hear it whispered on the streets. Her parents were caught running away from the Dark Lord and were killed on the spot, and everyone knew. She was sick of it. She was sick of people recognizing her and looking at her with disgust or suspicion. She was sick of her own house hating her guts, so she tried to stay low. Get on an empty carriage on the train, sit alone at dinner, and keep her head low. She didn't talk to her friends. She was aware of the stares and she put all her anger and sadness into holding up a good façade and glaring at anyone who came close to her.
It was the first day of classes and she could already tell this year would be hell. Snape was headmaster, everything was gloomy and quiet, and all classes had arranged seating. Which means the teacher would choose who sit together, which is why she wasn't exactly surprised that Snape put her all the way in the back in DADA, beside the only one he considered as much of a failure and a coward as her, Neville Longbottom.
Now, she did not consider Longbottom a coward, not at all. She had had a slight admiration for him since first year, when Dumbledore gave him 10 points for his bravery.
"It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends."
She didn't know at the time how important these words would become to her. It was what had been plaguing her mind for the past two years. Every time she'd admire Gryffindors for their bravery, Hufflepuff for their good hearts and Ravenclaw for their strong minds, she would think of those words. Of course, not all Slytherins were that bad, but they lived in a time where Slytherins chose their friends carefully. There was too much tension and fear for healthy relationships. Sure, her friends were decent people and cared for her, in their own way, but they had strong beliefs, beliefs she used to blindly follow. So she pretended, pretended to agree with them, pretended to hate, all whilst her mind reeled with what was right and what was wrong.
That was back when she thought she had a chance, thought she could have a different future. But she came from a respected pureblood family, a line of proud death eaters.
So she had no choice but to become one.
She didn't know when, but she knew she would be recruited, and she knew what would happen if she denied, especially when her family tree was already standing on such shaky ground with her parent's actions.
Her thoughts were corrupted when her fellow failure, to Snape's eyes, ran into class, five minutes late.
"I see you're starting the year with disappointing us all, like usual, Mr. Longbottom." Snape drawled. Longbottom turned red and muttered out a quick 'Sorry, Headmaster Snape'. It was subtle, but she could hear his voice grow slightly cold at the word 'Headmaster'. Snape squinted at him but turned back to the board to write notes.
"10 points from Gryffindor, take a seat Mr. Longbottom." Longbottom looked around the classroom to find his seat, quickly finding the only empty spot next to her and made a quick dash towards it. A few inches away from his seat, he suddenly froze and she glanced at him to see him staring at her Slytherin tie in slight fear.
Oh, come on. It wasn't like she was going to bite him. She felt a strange weight settle over her at his nervousness, but chose to ignore it. Rolling her eyes, she looked back down to her desk. He sat down a moment later and moved his chair slightly away from her.
Merlin's beard.
Taking a deep breath, she noticed her hands were slightly shaking over her parchment. What was she so nervous about? I mean, it's just Longbottom. One of the few people in Hogwarts she respected, not that she'd ever talked to him. Maybe that's the thing, she wondered. What if he knew who she is? What did he think of her? Soon-to-be Death Eater with cowardly parents? A coward herself, perhaps?
"Can I, uh, can I borrow a quill? A voice muttered hesitantly beside her. She, embarrassingly, jumped in her seat as Longbottom disrupted her thoughts and looked up at him. His face was pale as he looked her in the eye and he fidgeted in his seat.
"What?" She immediately scolded herself at her vulnerable tone and cleared her throat as her eyes strayed forward, pretending to check if Snape had heard them.
"A quill, I forgot mine" his voice had dropped to a whisper and his eyes kept trailing down to her tie nervously. "You know what, its fine, forget I said anything." He nervously added and looked down at the empty parchment on his desk. Furrowing her brows, she reached into her bag and put her spare quill on his desk with an empty smile and focused back on her notes. Out of the corner of her eye she saw him pick up the quill and just hold it in mid-air as his eyes bored into the side of her face. After a whole minute of trying to ignore him, she finally caved and looked up at him, meeting his confusion with her own.
"What?" she finally asked, and she saw a faint blush color his cheeks as he looked towards the front of the classroom and back at her again and suddenly she saw suspicion dawn in his eyes.
"…Really, nothing? No comment? No insult or something?" he whispered, glancing at his pen as if it might explode on him. Oh, he found it strange she wasn't being mean to him. She felt protective walls rise up around her heart and alarm bells blaring in her mind. Not hanging out with her friends anymore had made her forget the attitude she was used to pretend having. She gave an empty chuckle.
"You Gryffindors just love stereotypes, don't you?" she drawled, going with the first insult she could think of, hunching over her parchment to copy the notes off the board. He was silent for a moment and she gave herself an imaginary pat on the back but it turned out she celebrated too soon.
"You're one to talk." He snarled at her. She felt her heart crash into her stomach. Yes, she insulted him, but she wasn't exactly expecting him to return the favor. This was Longbottom, he rarely insulted anyone, furthermore snarl at anyone.
So he did know who she was.
She cursed herself as she felt tears sting her eyes. Why? No, not here, stop it, pull yourself together Aya! Trying to control her breathing, she looked up at him with the blankest face she could muster.
"If you don't want to use it then don't use it, I don't care." She tried to keep her voice strong but she felt it waver and considering the way his eyebrows raised, she knew he noticed. She quickly went back to her notes and ignored him for rest of the class, not that he tried to talk to her again, but she could feel his stares. He did end up using the quill after several minutes and put it on her desk when the bell rang.
She hoisted her bag onto her shoulder and was about to leave when a voice stopped her.
"Reeds, isn't it?" she turned around begrudgingly to glare at Longbottom but was surprised at the regret in his eyes. She nodded slowly. "I'm sorry." He muttered, his hazel eyes seeming softer than before, but still guarded. She was surprised, and looked around the room to see if any of her housemates saw her standing and talking to him. Most seemed to be gone or headed for the door. "And I'm…I'm also sorry for your loss." He added and her head whipped back to stare at him, confusion and shock shining through her façade.
He was sorry? Her parents were Death Eaters, he shouldn't be sorry? He's a member of the Order of the Phoenix, he should be relieved if anything! But she couldn't see any indication that he was lying and she honestly wouldn't know why he would be anyway.
They stared at each other for a few moments, each studying the other. The sunlight shining in through the windows made his skin glow and his dark locks looked softer up close. His eyes roamed over her face and he seemed to tense up, as if expecting her to yell at him, or worse, hit him. The sudden realization that he was legitimately scared of her caused regret and self-disgust to flow through her veins. She didn't want to be the kind of person that scared the pure-hearted boy, not at all.
She didn't want to.
Why had it taken so long to register? All the pretending, all the dreaming of a different future, all this time that she felt out of place and wrong and it never occurred to her that she didn't want to be this. She didn't want to be wrong.
Was she a bad person?
Yes.
But did she want to?
…No.
She finally looked down at the quill in her hand, the one she'd borrowed him. Taking a deep breath and step closer, she handed it to him.
"Take it, you need it more than I do." She explained as she saw his bemused expression. It was a lie, that was her only spare quill, so she'd be screwed if she lost her main one, but she felt the overwhelming need to do something nice for him. Before he could respond she walked towards the door again, but stopped quickly without turning around.
"Longbottom? …Thank you." Her whisper was so quiet she wasn't sure if he had heard her and she didn't bother to look as she finally walked out of the classroom.
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