AN: Hello.
Welcome to the short, unnecessary sequel no one asked for. Ur welcome. After May just needs to be done with but I guess I don't want to let go so quick. I think this could still be a separate thing.
So basically, so don't need to read After May, I don't THINK. I'm going to write this in a way that describes things that happened in After May, but reading After May would be helpful? (I also kind of want to go back and fix some stuff there eventually) This story is based on flashbacks and even stuff that his family wouldn't have known before his passing. I used a flashback from AM, but it won't always be copied over (there will be original content, I just needed that clip for context).
It begins after Remus dies naturally due to his condition and his friends and family are going about their lives. For context, this is a Remadora fic where they survive. They have 2.5 children. It takes place in 2016. TLDR; those who hadn't read the prequel: Remus used to go on about how he was old and was going to die younger than he should and this is the life that he could have had.
Cool, so this is going to basically be details that got left out/not included in After May. I'll tell you right now, this is going to be way grittier than After May (in case I need to say "I told you so", some of the chapters will be literal smut... BIG BIG BIG warning.)
Mid-June, 2016
Nymphadora Tonks was walking by herself in a cemetery. If you had told her eighteen years ago where she would be, should would probably have called you a liar. Almost half of her face was scarred with faded burns that were inflicted on her while on a mission in Egypt almost sixteen years ago. There were other scars that she let stay on display, hexes and curses she had acquired for years as an auror. A streak of her hair was pink now, and it happened to be the regrown bangs she got when she lost some of her hair. The rest of her hair was a dull brown and she was actually okay with it for once. She hadn't worn her hair as anything but brown since the funeral. It was almost morbid to wear her hair pink to the service, but that's what he had asked her to do.
This was her first time coming to the cemetery by herself. The sun was beating down heavy on her as she slowly approached a particularly gravestone, the weight of it sinking in her stomach. The ground was still brown and muddy from the burial. She had to carefully lower herself onto the ground, her hand resting on her middle as she eased herself onto her knees.
Remus John Lupin, March 15th, 1961-June 9th 2016
"Hi, Remus, it's me, Dor." She said softly. Tonks had to scoot herself forward, her hands resting in her lap. "I know that this... is a little weird." She turned around looking behind her. The cemetery was empty except for a man cutting grass on the other end of the yard. "I've not done anything like this before, so... I'm sorry if this is a little bit..." Her voice trailed off.
Husband of Nymphadora Tonks
"It's been about a week since Teddy moved all his stuff back into the house. He said he's sticking around for a bit now that school's out. I told him it's perfectly fine, of course. He and Victoire are going to find a place to live next year once she finishes school." She said out loud. "He was accepted to the auror academy, but he turned it down, actually. You know, twenty years and I still don't know what you would say to that if you were here. I don't know if you would be proud or disappointed. He... he said he needs to be home more for me and Elena. I think Arthur talked him into staying."
A loving father and generous teacher, he will be missed by all who knew him.
"Speaking of Lena, she's doing okay. Fleur and Bill invited her to come stay with the girls for a few days. I think they'd have fun, getting away from this mess. Not that you were a bother to us or anything, we always wanted what was best for you when it got close to the end." Tonks told him.
"Men at some time are masters of their fates; The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves, that we are underlings."
"Remus, I'm sort of worried about her. I'm really worried about her. She's mad at me right now and it's all my fault." Tonks was beginning to choke up on her tears. "I'm so sorry. It's all my fault. I should have talked to you before you got so sick and I didn't and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Tears were flowing heavy down her face. She hunched over, sobbing into her shirt.
Fleur had happily agreed to meet her that afternoon at one of their favourite cafes. It wasn't a nice enough day that they could sit outside together, so they stuck to a secluded table inside with the warmth and their tea. Immediately, she caught on that something was wrong with her. "Dora, is... is every-sing okay?" She asked, holding her friend's hand. "What's got you so upset?"
Tonks squeezed her hand and shook her head. "I... had a bad morning."
"What iz going on?" Fleur wondered. "Dora, you can talk to me."
"I know, it's just a mess at home right now. I just left Mungo's."
"Is Remus... Has Remus... iz he worsened?"
"No. He's not really changed." Tonks shook her head. "Two to twelve months, but we knew that." It didn't take long for word to spread, but everyone knew twelve was a stretch. He had made it through the January and February moons, but barely. He was still recovering. Tonks had practically quit work now. She spent most of her time making sure that whatever he couldn't do, she could pick up the slack. He couldn't hold his wand or silverware. He couldn't walk up stairs in one go. He could take showers, but not for long, or else the steam would choke him. There was no fast moving. Tonks had to be there. If anything went wrong, she couldn't leave Remus to handle it himself.
"Iz some-sing wrong with the kids? Iz Lena sick? Iz Teddy acting up again?" Fleur demanded worridly.
"I'm..." Tonks dropped her voice. Her eyes got teary. "No... it's... it's a long story..."
"Dora, love-"
"I know, it's annoying, but I can't talk about it." Tonks sighed and rubbed her face. "Fleur, I'm sorry, I just really need the company right now."
"Zat eez perfectly fine. Just... please tell me if zis is about Remus."
"It is, but it's not."
"Zen what eez it?"
Tonks paused. She contemplated this for a couple of minutes, silently, and Fleur patiently zipped her tea. "Fleur, I just came from Mungo's and they gave me some really bad news. Really, really bad."
"About Remus?"
"About me." She nodded. Then, she let out this detached laugh. Tonks sounded like she might actually burst into hysterics, or tears, soon enough. "But I can't talk about it."
"Yees, you can." Fleur coaxed. "You can talk about eet with me."
"I know, but if I do, then it kind of defeats the point." Tonks sighed. "It's hard to explain, I'm so sorry."
"No, no, it's okay. I just want 'ou to talk to me."
Tonks clenched her jaw. It took her a moment to spit it out. "Fleur, I thought I was in the early stages of dragon pox... or something else, I don't know. But I went because of Remus's weak immune system. I had to sleep on the couch last night because I got really nauseous, I had these killer migraines, and I was extremely dizzy and exhausted. I had to go, but Remus doesn't know I went because I couldn't let him get sick, and I couldn't tell him that I went, or he'll ask me what's wrong, and I-"
"Did zey say what was wrong with 'ou?" Fleur asked. "You sound az eef 'ou are working yourself to death."
Tonks's eyes got teary. "They... they said all my tests were clean and that I'm not sick. Then they... so it..."
Fleur became skeptical. "Dora?"
Tonks laughed. "Look, I don't know... about you and Bill, and that's all your business, but When Remus turned fifty, we stopped our... our birth control, right? I was thirty-seven, and we just thought, after that point... we thought that at the age you're less likely to get pregnant, and he was getting sicker, so it's not like we were... doing it a lot or anything, because he always feels like shit and it always makes me feel bad, but as it turns out, that's not how it works."
Fleur's eyes grew wide and she clasped her hand over her mouth. "Oh my god, Dora."
"We were wrong." Tonks smiled weakly. She looked completely and utterly terrified. She actually slammed her fiat on the table. "I guess we were really fucking wrong." Her arms snaked around her middle as she hunched over the table.
"You really look great for your age, 'owever. But isn't zis wonderful news, Dora? The kids vill be so excited to 'ave a baby brother or sister."
"Fleur, I don't know how to tell Remus."
"You've done eet before. Zis isn't like eet's your first baby."
"Remus isn't going to live another six months. Much less nine. Or twelve. He's not going to get to meet this baby, don't you get it?"
"Why iz zis so bad? Ze two of you vill be happy together for your last few months. You'll be happy and ven Remus... goes, and you vill have a part of 'im left behind. Three beautiful children together."
"This is going to rip him in half. I don't think I can tell him. But what if he does live another, say, twelve months. What if I don't tell him and we end up wasting our time together? The longer I don't tell him, the longer he has to find out, the more time wasted. I don't think I can do this. I don't know what to do or to say."
Fleur frowned. "I am... I'm sorry, Dora. I 'ave no idea what to tell 'ou."
Looking back, Tonks laughed to herself, tears still falling down her face. It wasn't funny when it happened, but they probably looked like a couple of clueless idiots. Tonks felt the most guilt st the fact that only one of the times she wound up pregnant, she intended to be. Did that make her an awful parent? She was so ready to have an empty nest. She was ready to watch her kids grow up and move on. Despite not having been pregnant for sixteen years, she didn't want to be, simply because she was tired of it. Hell, she was in her forties! She wasn't supposed to be having babies, she was supposed to stop having babies! "I don't know if you remember that night. I only remember it because I thought what happened was funny. After the fact, you know? But I think that was the night we made our baby." The weight of her words sunk into her chest. She wanted to puke.
Remus knocked on the bathroom door, his head already sticking inside the door. Tonks slowly sat up from the bathtub, peeking past her toes and the bubble bath towards the door. "You're as bad as the kids. Just come on in, I suppose, I'm not naked or anything." She crossed her arms over her chest, sinking below the the warm water.
"Hey," He flashed her a smile and walked over to the sink to brush his teeth. Tonks watched him for a moment. He seemed completely preoccupied with himself, not giving her a second glance. She cleared her throat. "Are you alright over there?"
Tonks smiled again, pulling her legs up towards her chest. She was swirling the water around with her hand. "Mmhm." She tilted her head. Remus shrugged, starting on brushing his teeth. "You can join me, if you want."
He snorted with a laugh. "I think I'll pass."
"Why?"
"For one, you practically bathe in a boiling cauldron." Remus informed her.
"Does it make it hard for you to breathe?"
"No, I just don't really want to." He turned away from her again, apparently very interested in brushing his teeth rather than their conversation.
"Is something wrong?" Tonks asked in a more serious voice.
"I'm okay, really. Maybe just tired." He finished brushing his teeth and rinsed his mouth out. He was looking at her through the mirror, using a towel to cover up his mouth.
Tonks sighed. "Would you talk to me if something's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong, Dora." Remus told her. "I'm just not... not interested right now."
"It was just an offer to sit in the bath." Tonks replied. "I feel like you're deflecting."
"I know."
"What's wrong?"
"I'm tired." He sighed, walking over to be closer to her. "I feel old when I'm around you sometimes."
"You feel old around me? I'm not that much younger than you."
"I know, but we're getting closer to a gap. You know I'm not that far from sixty now. A couple more months, I'll be closer to that than fifty. And I don't feel sixty yet at all, but you'll still only be forty-six." He told her. "I can't keep up with you."
"You keep up with me just fine." She told him.
"Not with..." Remus's eyes trailed down from her face towards her body as he sat down on the edge of the bathtub.
"Not with what?" Tonks asked gently.
"I'm..." Remus looked up at the ceiling. "Do you know how embarrassing it was last time? I mean, really, it was like there was something wrong with me."
"It happens sometimes, okay? Hey, look at me, you're sick and I'm not expecting you to have the stamina of a twenty-something year old. You weren't into it and that's fine. You don't always have to be up for sex." She gently pried at him. "We go at your pace. You know that."
"But Dora," He sighed. She reached down her front, running her hand along her chest. "I feel lousy about it."
His wife pushed herself up on the edge of the tub and quickly kissed him. "I love you."
"I know you're trying to get me to-"
"I said I love you, Remus!" Tonks laughed. "Can we just have a moment please?"
"We're already having a moment!"
"Well you're ruining it, nasty!" They both laughed. "Nasty man." She playfully nudged his leg with her own in a poor attempt to get him wet or touch his behind.
"Oh come on, and what were you thinking about?" Remus asked, playfully pinching her arm.
"I'm just trying to enjoy my bath, thank you very much, whether or not you decide you... maybe want to cuddle?" Tonks replied.
"We've got a bed for that, you know. A very expensive bed, with an expensive mattress and expensive sheets." He said. "And I've already showered."
She pouted dramatically. "You're no fun."
"I guess I'm just a grumpy old man." Remus said lightly. Tonks reached over, lovingly rubbing on his leg and up his stomach. "Grumpy, grumpy old man." He wrinkled his nose at her.
"Just get in." Tonks smiled. "Just climb in. It's no big deal. I want your company."
"Mhm." He smirked, standing up. "Give me a second. Slide over, won't you?" Tonks happily turned herself around, putting her back to the spigot, and accidentally jabbing herself hard enough to leave a red dent on her back. Remus pulled his pajama shirt over his head, then worked his socks off, before finally taking off his pajama pants. He covered himself with his hand as he awkwardly and insecurely climbed into the bath, sinking beneath the bubbles. "What's with you and your bubble bath? I think you use too much."
"It smells good?" Tonks rolled her eyes. She turned back around, climbing onto his lap. She turned herself around so that she could lay her head on his chest, her feet stretched out between his. "I love you, grumpy old man."
Remus wrapped his arms around her. "I love you too." He kissed the top of her head and playfully entangled his fingers with her hair. She snuggled up to him, her hand rubbing over his chest. He was starting to get too skinny, she thought. She started rubbing his chest. His ribs were poking out.
They didn't say anything for a long time. They sat and washed each other lovingly. He massaged her back. Things were starting to get tense between them when they started kissing and playfully fondling each other, her hips naturally grinding on him as she straddled his body. Remus began kissing her neck and she followed him by kissing his head. "Is this okay?" She asked breathlessly.
"This is fine... this is-" Remus kissed her again. "This isn't going to work very well with the water. We should at least get out."
"You want to do this." Tonks peered down her nose at him.
He looked her firmly in the eye. "We can... we can try it."
"Please don't push yourself into this." Tonks pleaded. "I know you're getting sicker and this could very much hurt you, you know."
"It won't... hurt me." He wasn't confident in that statement. "Stop talking about me hurting or being sick. I just want to have a normal relationship with my wife."
"It could hurt you though." She kissed the side of his face. "Remus, don't do this for me."
"I'm not doing any of this for you. I mean, I am... wait, that's not exactly what I meant." Remus said.
The embarrassing and not-funny-at-the-time moment came when they drained the tub and climbed out. They took turns drying each other off, letting their fingers and mouths slowly explore each other's bodies. Neither of them got dressed, however. Tonks propped herself up on her hands against the countertop. Remus kissed the back of her neck, his hands firmly gripping her hips. He had to get himself worked up for this, despite the work she put in with her mouth, touching himself a bit too forcefully to get ready.
The last time they tried this, even between both of their efforts and him having to think up his own most personal, most intimate fantasies, he couldn't exactly bring himself to get through with it, which really killed the mood for both of them. What was worse was that he was aroused. He wanted to proceed, yet he couldn't.
It scared Remus. Not because he was getting old or because he didn't want to lose his ability to have sex, but the healers has given him a timeframe that left him with a less than a year left. How would his wife remember him in those last few months? Were her memories going to be good? Or did she see him as a scrawny man, beginning to wrinkle and staying up half the night either coughing so hard he thought he might actually die or making trips to the bathroom?
"Take your time, love." Tonks rolled her neck in a circle. "If I can do anything to help-"
"You did plenty." He replied, gently pressing a kiss on her. "Okay," As eloquently as she could, she moaned as they melded together, jerking her head forward, as if she was suddenly caught off guard. Remus grabbed her shoulder with his hand for support. He pushed himself up closer to her, watching her face in the mirror for an indication of expression.
She looked up and smirked at him, grabbing onto her chest. "Just like that..." His wife continued to moan and she was biting her bottom lip. All of the emotions washed over him as he thrusted. By sound, she was quite enjoying herself.
Then it was all over. His couldn't look at her, taking a big gulp of air as he looked at the ceiling. It took her a moment to realized he had stopped. Heat and pinkness flushed his face. "I am... so sorry, Dora." He broke the silence. "I don't know what just happened, I don't know what that was-"
She snapped back to what was happening. "I- Remus? What's wrong? Why did you stop?"
"I just..." He looked down at himself with disappointment, pulling away from her. "That.. I'm so sorry... I, um,"
"Wait-" Tonks whipped herself around. "You're done?"
"I am so sorry. I didn't mean to, I didn't think that would happen." Remus shook his head with embarrassment and took a stumbling step backwards.
"Damn, I didn't know I look that good naked." Tonks said dryly. She was still in shock. "It's okay, stop apologizing. You're fine. It's okay.
"I've never done that before. I'm sorry-"
"I know. Hey, it's okay." She said softly, she kissed him on the mouth. "It's okay, I promise."
"I-" Remus quickly looked around the bathroom, grabbing a towel for himself, and then her. "I'm sorry."
"Quit apologizing!" Tonks insisted. "It was good, you just couldn't stop yourself. But at least try and pull out next time, you hear me?"
"I'm sorry." Remus shook his head. "I should have made myself stop. I don't know why that was so fast."
"You couldn't stop." She replied.
"You have the patience of a saint." Remus repeated. "I don't even know what else to say besides I'm sorry."
"I told you once before you passed, but then... I had to erase your memory because... you didn't know how how to handle the news. And now, our sixteen year old daughter won't talk to me because she won't let it go that I didn't tell you before you died. I think that's the real reason Teddy's staying at home. He's trying to make it up for you right now."
The silence was haunting. She tried to imagine what he would say to her, going as far as to write an entire dialogue that he would have said.
"Dora, you need to talk to him and try and make things right so that he'll go to school. He can't stay and waste his opportunity. You can take care of yourself. I know you can, you did it, raising Teddy while you were pregnant and I was teaching."
Or alternatively,
"I can't believe you! You didn't tell me? And for what? To make yourself feel better? Dora, that's our child and I don't even deserve to know about them? Sure, I wasn't going to meet them, but why is that fair to me?"
Or maybe he wouldn't say anything at all.
The baby squirmed in her stomach. She didn't bother morphing away the small bump on her belly. The little spud was growing a lot now faster now, and so far, Tonks hadn't bothered telling many people. Fleur knew, of course, because there are always secrets you can't keep from your best friend. Fleur was who she consulted when she first learned the news and didn't know what to do. Elena And Teddy knew. Harry didn't know. Nor did Ginny, or Bill, or Charlie, or Molly, or Arthur, or even Andromeda. Her other best friend, Sparrow Dwight, who left being an auror just a few years back had no idea. She hadn't seen most of them since the funeral. It wasn't because she was particularly hiding the baby, but because since Remus died, she slept most of the time. She talked to Kingsley and flat out told him he would hear from her when he heard from her and she wasn't going to come to work so take her off payroll, but don't dare touch her desk. He didn't know what that meant, but Kingsley knew her well enough that she wouldn't take a leave of absence without good reason.
Was it bad that she had ugly thoughts every day about the baby? Was adoption something she was willing to consider? What if it just... ceased to exist inside of her, causing minimal pain to both of them? What if it was like the miscarriage she had all those years back? Why couldn't she have had that baby instead? They were happy then. They had a name picked out, Edalynn Hope Lupin. Tonks found herself thinking about little Edalynn a lot lately. She would be about seventeen, being the middle child of the existing two teenagers. Instead, Edalynn was off in the unknown with her father, or maybe since she hadn't been either baptized nor buried (not that either of those things particularly mattered in her culture, but maybe it was important to other cultures and that mattered), she seized to exist. Why couldn't this one seize to exist just the same? Would it break her heart? Absolutely. But just as she had wanted Remus to reassure her when she lost the other baby, maybe it's better this way.
"Remus," Tonks took a deep and I shaky breath. She couldn't look at the fresh mound where his body had been laid. She was plucking up blades of grass by their roots. "I miss you. I feel like... since you died... maybe something inside of me died? That's what's so scary. I've... I've never actually considered killing myself, but sometimes I feel like there are these thoughts that I can't get rid of and I don't know what to do." This was the part in her internal dialogue when he would cut her off and call her out for being stupid. But the dead man didn't say much. "I'm sorry. I feel like I'd be such a disappointment to you if you could see me right now."
She hadn't brought flowers with her, but she used her wand to conjure up a small bouquet of white roses and lavender. This was the man who asked them not to wear black to his funeral, and although it was unspoken, he asked his wife to wear her hair bright pink. She never thought she would do it, but she decided once the unmorphable hair washed out more, she would dye her hair completely brown. It wasn't something she had thought through yet, but she felt as if she should leave the pink hair behind. This felt like the beginning of something new and Tonks felt that maybe it was time to leave the pink hair behind.