DISCLAIMER: Mal and Duncan will never be couple. This is just a crack pairing. Total Drama would not get made in the current year if I owned it.

WARNING: Rated M for homosex, offensive comments coming from Mal, and a stream of urine. Sensitive readers, please go back to the previous page and run!

"Sweetie! SWEETIE!"

Duncan ignored his boyfriend, or his master as his boyfriend insisted on being called. He kept his eyes glued to the screen on his phone, in hopes that Mal would leave him alone.

False hopes. Mal rarely gives up.

Mal stormed into the sitting room and snapped the phone out of Duncan's hand.

"Oy, I was reading something!" Duncan glared at Mal.

"Too bad," Mal smirked, "you can't bring that with you to the bath."

"For the last time Mal, I am not taking a fucking bath, especially not with you!" Duncan spat.

"Well, you're already naked," Mal laughed, pointing at Duncan's crotch. "By the way, I can tell from looking at your willy that you're getting hard."

"I'm naked because you walked into me and I fell into the freaking mud," said Duncan, blushing. He stood up to reach for his phone. "I already went with you to the field for a hike, what more do you want from me?!"

"Sex in the bath tub," said Mal, as he held it far away from Duncan. "If I don't get my way tonight, Sweetie, I won't be having sex with you for three days. You and I both know that I can go weeks without having sex, but you can't go a day without it."

"That's not true! I'll just watch porn!" said Duncan, as he finally grabbed his phone from Mal.

"How are you going to watch porn when I have 'forgotten' to ask our new broadband provider to take the porn filters off?" Mal smirked at Duncan.

"I have internet on my phone!" Duncan smirked back at Mal. "I asked the shop assistant to take the filters off, and I get 5GB of a data a month."

"You'd use that up very quickly if you watch porn," Mal shook his head.

"Then I'll just go to that couple next door and fuck their brains out," Duncan threatened. "The husband goes both ways, just like I do!"

Mal laughed obnoxiously at Duncan. "Those degenerates next door?! Tsk, tsk, tsk, y poor, ignorant Sweetie! Do you not realise that Mr and Mrs Bernstein have a 55-year-old man with severe mental health problems and who dresses up like a six-year-old girl living with them? Mr Bernstein fucks that troon every time he changes his diaper. There's a reason the Bernstein's are not allowed to see their grandchildren anymore."

"Mal!" gasped Duncan. "That 'troon' is their roommate, and her name is Copper! She just has weird fetishes, she's still a human being who deserves respect."

"Sweetie, I can tell that you are lying when you say that Nick deserves respect," Mal rolled his eyes. "He abandoned his five children, one of whom is paraplegic, to spend the rest of his life as an adult baby. You know he's fucked up as much as I do. Nick's cousin, who is transsexual, offered me five grand to kill him."

"Well good on you for not accepting that offer," said Duncan.

"Yeah, I told her to use that money to help out her nieces and nephews, who lost their father," said Mal. "Besides, I want to see Nick leech off of that wretched couple. But my point still stands… you have no other options besides myself, so if you want to get laid tonight, tomorrow night and the night after tomorrow, I suggest you get in that tub."

Duncan sighed relentlessly. He knew when he was beaten. He hated taking baths, but he also hated not having sex.

Duncan sat on the toilet as he looked at his naked boyfriend filling up the bath. Duncan would never admit it, but he liked looking at Mal's body. Soon he would be laying on it, because he knew that Mal would request it. As soon as the bath had enough water and suds, Mal turned off the taps and grabbed four candles and a match. With the candles all lit, Mal turned off the light and climbed into the bath.

"Alright, my precious," said Mal, looking over at Duncan. "Now you have to get in."

"Fine," Duncan huffed, "but only because I chose to!"

Mal sniggered at his boyfriend. "Whatever you say, Sweetie," he chuckled, as Duncan climbed into the tub and sat down between Mal's legs. He leaned his back against Mal's belly and chest, resting his head on Mal's left shoulder. The water was very warm and relaxing. This was one reason why Duncan hated taking baths. It was always hard to get out because it was so damn comfortable. Mal looked over Duncan's shoulder and saw a raging boner poking out of the water like a submarine.

"Sweetie! Do you have something to say to me?" Mal asked in an ironically sickeningly sweet voice.

Duncan sighed again. "Yes, Mal. I am very hard because you are making me doing this even though I'd rather just have sex with you in the bedroom and have a shower afterwards."

"But wouldn't it be easier to do both things at once?" Mal grinned, reaching his hands over Duncan's legs and wrapping his fingers around Duncan's penis.

"I guess so-oooh…" Duncan moaned, as Mal clenched his fists around the shaft. Mal reached his thumbs up to pull the foreskin back, exposing the glans.

"Now, would Mr and Mrs Bernstein want that anywhere near them with all of that foreskin?" Mal teased.

Duncan sighed. "I guess not. But you'd probably murder them if I had sex with them."

"Exactly," said Mal. "Leaving poor, poor Nick to die of starvation, since he's forsaken his ability to take care of himself. Maybe I would frame him for the crime I would commit. It should serve him right for abandoning his children."

"Her name is Copper," Duncan corrected Mal. "Why do got to be so mean?"

"Sweetie, I am never going to entertain Nick's delusions," Mal glared. "If he goes on hormones, then maybe I'll call him Nikki or something. He's still in his mid-fifties."

"Whatever," Duncan yawned, too tired to argue. That was another reason he hated baths. They always made him tired. Mal noticed his and began squeezing Duncan's penis tighter, prompting Duncan to yelp.

"You're not going to sleep," said Mal. "Not until bath time is over."

"What are you going to do to keep me awake?" Duncan wondered. All of a sudden, he felt a hard, penile shape form underneath his butt.

"There's your answer, Sweetie," said Mal, smirking. "But to translate into words: I am going to fuck you in this bath tub."

"Well, you are being forward," said Duncan, shivering. "Do we start now."

"I would love it if we could start right now, Sweetie," Mal purred. "But I'm afraid we cannot start just yet."

"Why are you always teasing me?!" Duncan demanded, sitting up.

"Because you are hairy," Mal laughed. "When was the last time you shaved?"

Duncan pondered. "Well, I did shave my face two days ago, leaving only my sole patch," he replied.

"I'm afraid that's not good enough, Sweetie," said Mal, shaking his head. "When was the last time you have shaved below the neck?" he asked.

"Uh…" Duncan tried to think about the last time he had shaved below his neck. It was not an easy thing to do. "Well, I did shave around my belly a few months ago," he replied.

"Well it explains why I felt a lot of hairs around the root of your cock," Mal sighed. "Go get the razor and the shaving cream from the medicine cabinet."

"It's too cold outside the tub," Duncan protested.

"Tough luck, Sweetie," Mal sneered. "If you had bothered to shave your whole body and not just your face, you wouldn't have to get out of the tub for five minutes."

"I like my body hairs," Duncan huffed.

"Well I don't."

"My body, my choice!"

"Yes, but Sweetie, who do you belong to?"

Duncan sighed. "You?"

Mal grinned. "That's right, my precious! Spot on!"

Duncan mumbled to himself how he was one day going to win an argument against Mal as he heaved his heavy bones and climbed his way out of the bath. Duncan dried his feet on the rug before making his way carefully to the cupboard. He grabbed the razor and the shaving cream and made his way back to the bath.

"That's the stuff, Sweetie," Mal praised Duncan, as he took the razor and shaving cream out of Duncan's hands. "Now get back in. But this time, sit facing me."

Duncan complied with the request and got in, straddling Mal's legs.

"Sit on my belly and lean back," Mal commanded, to which Duncan complied.

Mal decided he might as well start with the most important part of Duncan's body: his crotch.

"Mal," said Duncan, sternly, "you gotta be extra careful around there!"

"Don't worry yourself too much, Sweetie," Mal assured Duncan, spraying some shaving cream onto Duncan's cock and bollocks. "I'm only going to alter your crotch the way exactly I see fit." Mal proceeded to lather the cream up, getting it all over the genitals and surrounding areas, including the pubic hairs and parts on the legs. Naturally, this turned Duncan on.

"Mal, I am getting hard," Duncan moaned.

"Why are you getting hard, Sweetie?" Mal asked, smirking.

"Because you're putting cream on my dick and nuts," said Duncan.

"Glad to hear it, my little precious," Mal beamed, as he grabbed the razor. "Now brace yourself; this is going to tickle just a teeny, tiny bit."

Mal dragged the razor across Duncan's pubic bone. Duncan giggled like a little girl. Mal moved onto the sides of the legs close to the testicles. Next, he shaved underneath the testicles, before moving onto the sides of the shaft of the penis. Through all of this, Duncan was still giggling like a little girl.

Mal did not like it at all.

"Duncan, I know I am gay and you are bi, but do you mind stop laughing like a poof?"

Duncan stopped giggling. He remained silent. He hated it when Mal said these things. Partially because they offended him, and partially because he did not want Mal to pay any fines because they were saving up for a trip to Florida. Nevertheless, he held his tongue. He knew better than to call Mal out on it, because that would only serve to encourage Mal to say more offensive things.

As soon as he was finished shaving the genitals and the areas surrounding them, Mal moved onto Duncan's belly. Mal did not care that Duncan had already shaven it earlier this year; he was going to make sure there was not a single hair in sight. As soon as Duncan's six pack was bare, Mal moved onto Duncan's chest, but Duncan tried to stop him.

"Mal, can you leave the chest hairs?" Duncan asked. "I like them and I want to keep them."

"N-O spells no," said Mal, firmly. "By the time I'm done with you, there will not be a single hair below your neck."

"But Mal…"

"You don't get a say."

In spite of his protests, Mal cleared Duncan's chest of any hairs he could see. Next to go were Duncan's armpits and the hairs on his arms.

"Now Sweetie," said Mal, when he was finished with the arms, "flip over so I can do your back. And remember," he added, as Duncan lifted his torso off of Mal, "if you kick me, I will bite you." Duncan nodded and carefully manoeuvred himself so that his back was facing the ceiling. He had to grab onto the edges of the bath and hold his head up so that he can keep his head above the water while Mal shaved his back clean. As soon as the back was clean, Mal moved onto the shoulders. Then the posterior. All that was left were the rest of Duncan's legs.

Duncan turned over again, relieved that we would no longer have to rely on his core strength just to keep himself from drowning. Mal shaved his legs completely. True to Mal's word, within ten minutes there was not a single hair left on Duncan's body below his neck.

"It would have been nice to have kept those chest hairs," Duncan muttered, but loud enough so that Mal could hear him.

"Just be glad that I didn't shave off your mohawk," Mal jeered. Duncan knew he was only taking the piss out of him, but that comment did make him shiver nonetheless.

"Now why don't you be a good little green-haired bitch and open up your butt crack for me," Mal ordered.

Duncan turned around so that his back was facing Mal again. He reached his hands under his butt cheeks to pull them apart. Mal pushed lightly on Duncan's back with one hand to lift him up a few centimetres so he could insert his erect cock into Duncan's anus using his other hand. Duncan sunk back down into the water, biting his tongue because water really is no substitute for lube. Mal noticed this.

"Is that too painful for my little precious?" Mal sniggered.

Duncan hissed. "No," he lied. "It's not painful at all. I'm used to it." But whether or not he was in pain was irrelevant; Duncan was still enjoying it. He just did not want to tell Mal this without Mal dragging it out of him.

"I will give you one minute to sit here and get used to this, Sweetie," Mal offered. "After that, I want some action. It's only going to get rougher for you from there."

"It's easy for you, Mal, because you've shaved off the hairs on my ass as well," sneered Duncan.

"I would shut up and enjoy it if I were you," Mal suggested. "There are only sixty seconds in a minute."

Naturally, a minute has passed, and then it was time for action.

"Alright Sweetie," said Mal, "now you are going to put all those hours you've spent in the gym to good use."

Duncan knew exactly what Mal meant. "I'm not good at being a power bottom…"

"I don't think it's fair that I must do all the work, Sweetie."

Duncan sighed. Mal hand a point. "Okay, but I cannot promise you that this will be good," he warned Mal, as he grabbed onto the handles and lifted himself up three centimetres and slowly lowering his body down. Duncan repeated these movements, eliciting strong moans of pleasure from Mal. It was a bit tiring, but the feeling of Mal's glans bumping repeatedly off of Duncan's prostate gland did produce a lot of adrenaline, motivating Duncan to keep on doing it and causing him to moan as well. It was not long before their moans were in sync with one another.

"Oh, Duncan, I'm about to come!" Mal moaned. "Don't stop!"

Duncan kept going, moving a little faster, building up momentum, until the big moment finally came.

Mal exploded inside of Duncan, spraying a torrent of spunk up Duncan's rectum.

"Oh, Sweetie," Mal panted. He reached his hand under Duncan's bum and slapped it. "Crawl over and lay on your back. I have to take a piss."

Duncan stared at Mal. "Are you serious?! We are not doing that again!"

"Yes, we are, Sweetie," Mal laughed, as Duncan got up and crawled over to the other side of the bath. "Don't bother trying to deny it; I know you love the feeling of my stream of piss coming down on you."

Duncan blushed. Mal was right. He did enjoy it whenever Mal peed on him. It was still an embarrassing fetish, so he kept quiet about it. He didn't even want Mal to know. The only reason Mal knows is because he made the dumb mistake of letting Mal borrow his laptop after forgetting to close down his porn browser two months ago. Duncan would have preferred if Mal yelled at Duncan for watching porn. But he was glad that Mal was willing to entertain his fantasies Hopefully he won't tell anyone else.

Mal stood up. He towered over Duncan, who waited in anticipation. Mal aimed his now flaccid penis over Duncan's chest and relaxed his sphincter muscle, unleashing a river of warm urine all over his sweetie. Duncan instinctively leaned his head forward and stretched his tongue out to get a sip of Mal's wee. He's seen Bear Grylls drink his own piss on the telly and not get sick from it, so what's the harm. Mal caught Duncan and smirked.

"Sweetie, you naughty, dirty little bitch," Mal cooed at Duncan, as he let out of his last drop of piss. He leaned over and rubbed Duncan's head vigorously. "I have taught you well."

"Now that you've stripped me of all of my hairs, ripped my arse in two and pissed all over me, can you beat me off now?" Duncan asked, panting.

"Anything for my little precious," Mal smirked. "Stay right there. I will get a sheet or two of toilet paper."

"Um, I don't think we need it, Mal," said Duncan. Mal ignored him and stepped out of the bath. He walked over to the toilet and tore out two sheets of toilet paper. He returned to the bath and sat down between Duncan's legs before stretching his own legs underneath Duncan's. Duncan lifted himself onto Mal's abdomen. Mal held the toilet paper underneath Duncan's hairless penis with his left hand and proceeded to give Duncan a handjob with his right hand. Mal tugged and stretched vigorously, eliciting excited moans from Duncan in the process.

"Mal!" yelped Duncan. "I've gotten so hard! I'm about to cum!"

"In that case, Darling, you'd better cum while you can," Mal smirked, picking up speed, "you filthy little bitch, you."

As he said that, Duncan let out a monstrous roar as he squirted dollops upon dollops of semen into the toilet paper. As soon as Duncan was done ejaculating, Mal tossed the tissue onto Duncan's face.

"Hey!" Duncan protested. "What was that for?!"

"For being a disgusting little slut," Mal laughed at Duncan. "You took a sip of my piss."

"You're the one who peed on me," Duncan scoffed, pealing the toilet paper off his visage. "Speaking of which, now that you've pissed on me, can I piss on you?" he asked.

"Fuck off with that, ya slapper ya," Mal teased Duncan. "You can through that yucky tissue in the toilet while you piss into it like a good little bottom bitch."

"One of these days, Mal, I will get to pee on you," said Duncan, confidently, as he climbed out of the bath and walked over to the toilet.

"Yeah, keep telling yourself, Sweetie," Mal snorted, rolling his eyes. "Anyway, bath time's over."

"Actually, Einstein, just in case you haven't noticed, I am covered in your piss," Duncan snorted back as he peed into the toilet bowel. "I'm a lot dirtier than I was before we took that stinking bath."

"We can have a shower together while we clean the tub," said Mal. "I'm not going to bed with you in the state that you're in, and while your hairs are all over the tub."

Duncan rolled his eyes at Mal as he flushed the toilet, walked back to the bath and removed the plug from the hole. Mal removed the shower hose from its handle and turned the shower on. Together, he and Duncan collected all of Duncan's hairs and deposited them onto three attached sheets of paper that Mal left laying on the sink counter. Once that was taken care of, Mal and Duncan had their shower.

Ten minutes later, they were both clean, and so was the bath tub. Mal dried himself and Duncan off with the towel.

"By the way, Sweetie," said Mal, as he and Duncan changed into their pyjamas, "I did not forget to ask our provider to turn the porn filters off."

Duncan was confused. "But how come I can't access X-Tu-"

"Because I deliberately asked them to keep them on," Mal laughed.

Duncan was fuming. "Why did you do that?" he demanded.

Mal pulled Duncan in closer. "Because I don't like it when my precious looks at women or other men," he replied. "I like it when I am the only object of your gaze."

Duncan pulled himself away. "You are one jealous motherfucker, Mal," he grumbled. However, Mal pulled him back.

"And you are my Sweetie, and nobody else's," Mal added, grinning.

I hope you all enjoyed it. I'm sure some of you were disgusted by the pee, Mal's comments about his neighbours or both, but that's how I like to write Mal; as over the top, offensive and perverted. Readers who used to read my older content know what I'm about… heh-heh…

If you want more Malcan, check out my other story, With a Sweetie Comes Great Responsibility. There is also Total Drama Prison, which is collaboration between me and I'll Cover Angel and Collins, which features a lot of Malcan and Chrisney. I'll Cover Angel and Collins has written some Malcan stories, including Freedom, which she's just published recently.