An Unrequited Love

Author: Sam (buggie21)

Pairings: Remus/Sirius

Rating: M for language and sexual references

Genre: Romance/Angst

Summary: It's the Marauder's seventh year at Hogwarts. While the group's most likely busy planning it's most recent prank, Remus is battling internal demons. He writes a desperate, self-loathing note to Sirius to explain his newly discovered feelings. It's sad, but necessary. One shot.

Disclaimer: What can I say? JKR, please don't sue me?

Author's Notes: This note actually has a little bit of history to it. The basis of this note came from something I wrote to one of my own best friends. I recently worked a lot out in my head and discovered that I really do love her. Two major problems: 1) She's taken, and 2) She's completely straight. It's my original note tweaked to fit Jo's characters. Hope you like it!

Padfoot,

I'm going to be fairly blunt with what I have to say. I'm warning you ahead of time. I'm sure you're not going to have any problem with the language, but I can imagine that the content will throw you a little.

I've wanted to tell you something for a little while now, and the only reason I haven't yet is because I'm scared shitless as to how you would react.

I always found that I was having these weird feelings whenever I thought about you. Even back during our first year, when we first started hanging around Prongs and Wormtail, I'd feel horrible after being around you. I thought that maybe I had gotten angry at something ridiculous you had said or done. But that didn't justify the feeling of having a gaping hole in my chest.

Something else worth mentioning is my horrible reaction two years ago when I first caught you kissing that bird. Of course I was happy for you because, well, you were happy, of course. I'm glad you still seem to be very happy. Remember the whole "I feel like I've been left out recently" thing? I understand that now more than ever. I felt replaced, in a way. But not how I originally thought. I tried to rationalize, "Oh, this means less time with Padfoot. What if he's off snogging some bird while the rest of us are left without a creative mind while plotting our next surprise?"

While I was in the library one day, Lily caught sight of me. I looked like hell. I know I did. When she asked why I looked so disheveled and confused, I simply sat there, shaking my head repeatedly, looking down at my hands. She drew back a chair and said that I could tell her anything. I trusted her, like I always have. We started slowly, talking about our schoolwork, like we usually do. She asked if I've seen the three of you recently, and I told her about our previous trip to Hogsmeade. She noticed I got all teary-eyed when I mentioned you had disappeared after a while, and how when Prongs had finally found you, you were pressing some broad up against a building.

Lily had asked how that made me feel, and I cried harder. I cry a lot when I think about you. I always have, as pathetic as it sounds. When she had gently asked why I was crying, I made up this whole scenario about my family being hard on me for getting a fairly low grade on a Potions exam. Lily gave me this look – I can't really describe it – but I knew she hadn't believed me. I just couldn't tell her yet, let alone admit it to myself.

That night Lily had asked me to stay later in the Common Room with her. Prongs, of course, made a big scene and asked why she wanted to see me and not him, which made me laugh a little. He's never going to give up on her, is he? After a couple games of chess I finally worked up the courage to tell her.

"Lily," I began, "I'm going to tell you something."

She laughed, patted my hand, and told me, "Alright, Remus, go ahead. I'll listen."

I felt like I was going to explode, honestly. I told her that I just realized, during our last trip to Hogsmeade, that I've always had a thing for you. You know what she said to me?

"Yeah, I wasn't positive, but I always felt that you really liked Sirius a lot."

We talked about how I feel this constricting in my chest whenever I'm around you, how I naturally feel the need to gravitate toward you, etc. Hopeless, hopeless, hopeless.

It wasn't the best timing, of course, because the next thing I knew you were walking through the portrait hole. When you walked into the room, arm linked around Whoever The Hell She Was, I honestly felt sick to my stomach. After you kissed her goodnight and came toward us, I caught sight of the bite marks all over your neck. That's why I started crying, Pads. I cried because I wanted to be the one to make you feel good. Someone who cares for you and who really knows you. Not some random bird you go and sex in some broom closet.

It's funny, though. I always knew I thought differently about you than I did about Prongs and Wormtail. I've always trusted you, told you everything I was feeling right away, and you know what I always liked best? That you listened whole-heartedly, that you'd threaten to beat someone up for me, that you understood better than our other friends did. I've always admired your boldness. I love how you sort of balance me. When I get too headstrong about my views, you gently counter by reminding me that I'm being too paranoid. You've done so much for me. More than I deserved half the time.

The next morning I met with Lily after class to explain everything to her. As we sat in a little archway outside the castle, I told her exactly how I had been feeling whenever I caught you with some woman. Lily smiled sadly, took one of my hands in both of hers, and asked, "Have you ever had these sort of feelings for any other bloke besides Sirius?"

I admitted that I've only ever felt this way when I was around you and only you.

Lily nodded and gently inquired, "Do you like women, Remus?"

I sat there, dumbfounded. When was the last time I was with a woman? I almost died when I remembered my first kiss third year. I laughed through my tears and admitted, "I haven't been with a girl since I first kissed one, Lil." I put my head in my hands and spat, "I'm a fucking poof, aren't I?"

The next thing I knew, Lily's gentle arms were wrapped around my shaking frame.

"Remus," she whispered, "Listen to me. You're fucking brilliant. That's what you are."

I think Prongs may have caught on before I did myself. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, him knowing I've got a thing for my best mate. I know we could trust him with our lives. The way he found out is what I'm most embarrassed about. You were off snogging Woman Number Five Billion, Peter was snoring in his own little dream world, and James was also fast asleep. At least, I had thought he was.

I had drawn the curtains around my bed a few hours earlier to read in peace, but I was feeling rather restless. I decided to try to relax, go to bed, do whatever I could ease my mind. I couldn't ignore the overwhelming fantasies plaguing my thoughts, however, so I began taking care of my "situation" like any other bloke would have.

When I was about to finish, I couldn't help but think about how damn sexy you looked after you left the showers that morning. Dark hair dripping with water, a few drops falling over your shoulders, chest, and back. You holding a towel loosely around your hips, giving away the trail of hair beginning at your bellybutton, disappearing behind the white fabric of the towel. You moving across the room with Quidditch-toned muscles rippling with every movement… How all of this made my nerves scream with desire.

When I finally came, I didn't register what I had said at the peak of my arousal. I finally recalled shouting your name at the last moment. I lay on top of my sheets, mortified, waiting for someone to call me out on my slip-up. When I thought nobody had woken up from my outburst, I whispered a cleaning charm, slipped under the covers, and attempted to fall asleep. Right before I felt the thick cloud of exhaustion envelop me, I thought I heard someone to the right of my bed mumbling.

"Moony, you can tell me anything. You know that, right?"

James must know, Pads, and I'm sorry if that makes you more uncomfortable about the whole situation.

I had asked Lily what she thought would be the best way to tell you all of this, and she had suggested telling you in person. I thought this over carefully, being the paranoid person I am, needing to have each and every detail worked out in my mind. I ultimately decided to leave a letter on your bed because I didn't want to take the chance of embarrassing myself further. I could be blubbering too much to the point that my words are incoherent. The possibility of vomiting also played a part in my decision-making. I've already spent a great deal of time crying like a fucking woman, and I didn't want you to see me in this distressed state of mine. So I left this note on your pillow, hoping that your reaction wouldn't be as horrible as I had originally anticipated it to be.

I obviously can't expect anything different from you. Merlin, you're Sirius fucking Black! You have so many birds flocking around you that you wouldn't want someone like me. I'm just a scarred werewolf who probably shouldn't have been sorted into my designated house due to my lack of courage. Plus you don't like blokes, which would be problematic.

I suppose I just wanted to tell you how I've always felt about you, since I finally recognized it myself. I'd completely understand if you didn't want to look at me ever again.

If you did, however, want to talk to me about this little discovery of mine, you know where to find me. I'm just relieved I finally pieced it all together, even though it took so long. I would have told you sooner, only I myself just discovered how utterly bent I am. I hope you understand how mortifying this experience has been.

I've always loved you. It just took me until recently to work everything out in my head.

Your Poof of a Werewolf,

Moony

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