A/N; I don't own Final Fantasy VIII, but I have played it religiously since I was like five. It taught me how to read and definitely influenced my sarcastic ass in more ways than one. This was Inspired by a Fiction written by a wonderful author in another fandom; SunnyD545. I am in no way copying their work, but said work has given me such a wonderful push to write this story here.

This will not be all sunshine and rainbows. There will be blood, lots of cursing and some adult themes that I don't recommend for people who don't enjoy said blood or even violence. There are a lot of different roads this story can take and I'm super excited to see where it will go because right now all i have is an idea and a lot of caffeine. Please enjoy!

Squall

I was drunk. No, no that's not right. I was past drunk.

As I stared at the stars over the bridge leading to the mysterious continent of Esthar I was plagued with the possibility that jumping wouldn't be so bad.

I mean, what was I really doing with my life? As I pondered this I swayed over to the railing, my eyes studying the dark waters far below the expansive bridge. It had been shut down for as long as I could remember, not that my memory was very good recently.

We were in Fisherman's Horizon, celebrating after another successful mission under my lead as 'Commander.' I grunted, thinking of the title as more of a noose than an honor. Everyone was always counting on me, always waiting for my orders. I wasn't the head of SeeD, I wasn't ready for this kind of responsibility.

Not that anyone would listen to me. How many times had I tried to get this stupid mantle pried away from me only to have Cid rest it back upon my shoulders? How many times did I have to deal with hopeful stares and saluting Cadets as a war waged on around us? My orders sent these kids to their deaths!

I mean, not that I was much older.

Nineteen seemed young for a Commander, but Cid insisted I was the only one suitable for the position I was sure he had made up on the spot. I groaned, my head starting to hurt as the pounding music from FH seemed to be turned up louder. Everything was just too much.

I had been having a lot of dark thoughts recently. Each day they seemed to grow larger and feed off of whatever energy I had stored. Selphie and Irvine (He had originally been on loan from Galbadia before the Garden vanished a year ago and he decided to stay) would often find me sulking in my room and drag me out to do something, anything, to keep me moving. Quistis and Zell would find me training alone and force their help, keeping their eyes on me as best they could. I felt like they knew something was wrong with me, but they just didn't say anything about it. But really, what is there to say?

I laughed, it was a hoarse strangled sounding thing that escaped my throat without permission. I frowned, thinking of my comrades. They were patient with me, but that came from years of learning not to pry. They only got what I would willingly give out and any questions they asked were met with nothing but glares and silence.

Would it be so bad to let them in?

'Yes' my brain decided to answer immediately. 'You're alone. You can't trust anyone to take care of you,' it continued as it always did and thoughts of my childhood hit me like a train. I didn't want to deal with this anymore. I didn't want to continue living day to day, waiting for the Sorceress to wipe me and my SeeDs out. I didn't want to be alone.

Another laugh, this one quieter and more under wraps, left my lips. As much as I hated the title of Commander they were my SeeDs. And Balamb Garden was my home. Could I really just give everything up because I was sad? How would they go on without me?

'Everyone should just take care of themselves' the words were hard as they bounced around inside of my head, my feet taking me closer to the railing as my gloved hand gripped a light post. It would be so easy to just let go of everything and fall. It was such a long drop that the impact was sure to kill me, and if not the fall then the freezing waters below would do the trick whether I decided to fight against them or not.

Was I ready to throw all of my hard work away? 'What was it all for anyway? You're alone, and you're always going to be alone. Big Sis wasn't there to save you and now no one will be here to save you.' The voice had a point, as it always did.

As I leaned over I absently wondered when this voice had taken root in my head. It didn't really matter seeing as it was always right.

"Hey," a soft voice called and I turned, my drunken vision creating two blue blurs standing under the yellow light of the lamp I was holding onto. There was black too, outlined by the sand colored railing on the other side of the bridge. Slowly my vision set back to normal after the movement stopped. A stranger with dark hair and honey colored eyes stepped forward slowly, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth as she did. She looked so ordinary and yet my eyes didn't leave her face. Her features were soft and a small smile pricked at the side of her lips as she brought her hands up carefully in a motion that said 'calm down.'

"…Hi," my voice answered back without permission and I scowled at myself. Her smile tugged down for a moment, misunderstanding my facial expression and something in my chest tightened. But then her smile was back, a little bigger this time as she took another cautious step.

"You okay?" her voice was smooth and her eyes were filled with concern. I wanted to answer her but I was finding it difficult to speak. My tongue was tied up due to the alcohol so all I could manage was a quick shake of my head.

That did not make the situation better. Everything spun again and my stomach was in revolt of the movement but I held my ground, my eyes boring into the woman in front of me. She slowly slipped off her long blue… whatever it was. It pooled around her feet almost like water as she took another step forward, every move so slow and careful.

"You can talk to me," Her soft voice reached my ears again and it was almost like music. "I won't judge you. I know life gets kind of hard." A frown returned to her face for just a second before she forced it away with a shake of her head. "You don't need to do this."

"I do," I groaned out in a bit of a slur. Her head tilted slightly as she stopped her advance. Honey eyes boring into mine.

"Why?"

"Why do you care?" this wasn't solely me talking. It was a mix of alcohol and self loathing topped off with genuine curiosity that I wouldn't have even bothered addressing if not for my mouth taking the initiative to string words together for me. I suddenly missed when my tongue was too tied from the alcohol to work properly. I thought of shaking my head again but my stomach was in complete revolt of that Idea. Instead I kept my eyes glued to the girl.

"Because no one deserves to die until they've had a chance to really live their life." There was a wistfulness in her voice that should have alerted me to the fact that she was struggling with her own issues. But my world revolved around me so I grunted, leaning a little bit further back than initially intended.

"You don't even know me," I growled out.

"I could, if you give me a chance." Her small sad smile took the bright light from her eyes and for a split second I did want to know her. To know the reason she smiled so brightly, yet had such sad eyes. I wanted to know her story.

But like with everyone else the voice reminded me that she was just another person who would rely on me. Who would put all their faith on my shoulders and let me carry the weight of the world for them.

"My name's Rinoa," she gave a small grin, deciding to close the distance between us with one large step, giving me an up close view of those deep honey eyes that were darker than they looked from a distance. "What's yours?" she asked, blinking a few times.

"Squall," I huffed out without thinking.

"It's good to meet you Squall," she smiled and offered me her hand. My drunken brain decided that maybe tonight wasn't the night. Maybe I could go on a few more days before this girl turned out to be like all the others. Surely there were other places I could off myself if it came down to it.

The thought was morbid so I pushed it away, instead deciding that I could try for a few more days. I released my hold of the light post to shake the girl's hand, only to realize I was still leaning too far back. She yelled, trying to grab my hand in time, only to pull my glove off.

I fell through the cold air as my brown hair whipped around my face violently.

My drunk brain couldn't really process that I had fallen, instead deciding it was all just a very vivid dream.

That would definitely explain the soft white glow coming from the girl on the bridge.

It almost looked like angel wings.

I awoke in the infirmary, my head pounding from what I was sure was the worst hangover I could ever imagine. I couldn't remember what I did the night before, only that I had been plagued with my usual dark thoughts. I had also been alone.

I checked the room quickly to make sure that no one was around before pulling up my sleeve to check for any new cuts. It wasn't something I was proud of or that I would admit to anyone, but I had a problem. A very big problem.

Depression clung to me like the opposite of the energy exuded from Zell or Selphie. I should seek help, but at this point in my life I had just learned to keep things bottled up inside until I had nightmares or got too drunk and did stupid things like cut myself.

One would think the very real pain of battle would be enough to satisfy my needs for physical pain over emotional, but it didn't always work that way.

I ground my teeth together in anger at myself. I shouldn't be like this. There were too many people depending on me. I should get help before I do something stupid like off myself.

My headache pounded hard as something tried to recall in my brain but I decided now wasn't the time. Satisfied that I hadn't brought anything sharp to my skin I pulled the thick jacket back down to my hands. It took me too long to notice that I was only wearing one glove. This brought another scowl to my face as Dr. Kadowaki walked into the small room, a clipboard in her hand.

A smile touched the edges of her aged face as she looked me over. I could feel her gaze linger on the scar that ran diagonally from my brow down over my nose and it caused my scowl to deepen. When I didn't say anything she took that as her cue to begin.

"You came in for alcohol poisoning," Kadowaki grimaced at me. All I did was blink, waiting for the rest of what I was beginning to assume was going to become a lecture on my responsibilities. "A pretty girl brought you in looking very worried. It seems you were stumbling around the bridge to Esthar talking about Galbadian and how upset you were about the outcome of the last battle." She raised one eyebrow before turning back to her clip board. Something prickled at the back of my neck. Odd, that didn't sound much like me. Any of the stories Irvine or Zell would bother to tell me about nights spent drunk usually involved me leaving early and not making it back until almost dawn. It wasn't something I did often, but once I was in a mood the alcohol almost calmed the demons in my head. I was always very quite in their stories, more so than normal I guess.

When I didn't make any move to speak Kadowaki shook her head back and forth, looking somewhat disappointed. "You need to be more careful Squall. If you ever need to talk you know I'm here," she sighed as I nodded, forcing the covers off of me and shoving my feet back into my boots. They always say that. 'I'm always here' but how many of them really mean it? I nodded to her once before leaving the infirmary behind me. My boots echoed in the halls as cadets, young students, and other SeeD members stopped to salute me on my walk. I only nodded and grunted in response to them. The Garden was a lot quieter than it use to be, mostly due to the fact that a real war had started, and because the Garden could actually move now.

A year or so ago we ran into an issue with Galbadia as their president sent missiles towards us because of an assassination attempt gone haywire. That's how we ended up getting Irvine Kinneas, a sharp shooter from a Garden that didn't exist anymore.

Well, we were sure it still existed, we just weren't sure where it went. Unlike Tribia and Balamb, Galbadia Garden wasn't targeted by the attack. Balamb Garden had barely survived, but Tribia was now a ruin, any members of the school that wanted to continue their education to become a SeeD now enrolled once a year in Balamb itself and the Garden would pick up the students.

Speak of the devil Irvine was leaning against a wall, looking very much like the cowboy he pretended to be. He was a bleeding heart and a womanizer if I've ever seen one. Somehow Selphie had caused an odd change in the man who was once known throughout all of the Gardens as a sharp shooting heartbreaker.

Now he was chasing Selphie around wherever her spirited heart took her like a sad puppy dying for affection. I grunted as he stood, standing in my way. Even though my inner circle still looked up to me as a 'fearless Commander' they were more informal than everyone else, which I appreciated. But in honesty I just wanted to be alone.

"We picked up a hitch-hiker in Fisherman's Horizon," he grinned at me. Before beginning his next sentence he looked around, making sure a certain green-eyed, brown haired girl wasn't around to hear him. "Rumor is she's a hottie."

"Good for you," I muttered quietly, hoping he hadn't heard me. From the look on his face he hadn't because he was grinning from ear to ear.

"Another rumor says you've already met said hottie."

"Irvine," a warning tone from behind him caused the cowboy's shoulders to sink and his eyes to roll. Quistis stood behind him, arms crossed and eyes squinting through her glasses in a glare that got most students to silence faster than any other facial expression. Besides my own glares.

"Yes, Miss Trepe," he spun on his heels, brandishing a smile.

"Selphie is looking for you," A knowing grin on her face as he sighed, bringing his arms up in a shrug.

"Ah, well, my love beckons. We'll talk later," Irvine threw a grin over his shoulder as he sauntered away, a little bit of pep in his step at the thought of seeing Selphie. I shook my head.

"Squall," Quistis gave a small, sisterly smile as she stepped forward. It was now that I realized there was a folder she had clutched to her body, her hands holding onto it for dear life. As an instructor she was privy to more information than most of the other SeeDs that waited around Garden for new orders. Being my previous instructor and one of the people in my 'inner circle' that gave her access to just about everything. Hell, I didn't even have that much access. I groaned internally as I held my hand out for the file. Slowly, as if weighing her options, she handed it to me, her blue eyes clouded over in thought.

I opened the file to see documents ranging from official looking treaties to a napkin with doodles on it. A name stuck out on the first page as I was sifting through the papers looking for something that could actually be interesting instead of just legal jargon and the doodles of a twelve year old.

Rinoa Heartilly.

Something familiar tugged in my memory at the name, but I didn't have time to press into further as Quistis was behind me, pushing me towards the elevator that would take me up to Cid's office and a possible mission briefing or meeting of some sort.

Sometimes I wish I could just sleep forever.

A/N; Whoo Hoo!

Okay so before we go any further this story has been begging me to write it ever since I started replaying the game and reading a fanfiction by the before mentioned SunnyD545. It's a Soul Eater fic that has me screaming for more every time I read it! I am literally in love with it and it has inspired this story so much. I finally hunkered down to begin writing it and the first chapter came out wayyyyyy faster than I thought it was going to. So here it is for your viewing pleasure.

Now, next big note to bring to light; depression sucks and this story is not in any way romanticising the idea of Suicide, self harm, or a very real illness people deal with everyday. It is, however, an idea I couldn't get out of my head after reading SunnyD545's wonderful 'Jumping Feet First.' If you're into Soul Eater I definitely recommend it because it's so wonderfully paced and so full of all the right amount of angst and Soul being Soul.

I have no idea what my update schedule will be for this, but I do know there will be a lot more chapters after I finish getting a real plan into action. Anyway, let me know what you think! I love feedback and I love trying to please my readers even more!

Much love, ChaosreigN

xoxo