Thorin POV

It was horrible. That's all I remember. I wanted to forget about it so many times and it looks like my wish came true. But then why I still remember everything? Every tear that Bilbo shed, every nightmare he had, every time he had a panic attack, the look in his eyes,… I never wanted to put him through that again, but our wish, to have a baby, something that we created together, was too strong.

I will remember that horrible night forever.

We had dinner, like we always did. Bilbo made spaghetti since we were both working pretty late that day and when we got back home we were really hungry. Bilbo even more than I was, since he was eating for two, but if I know him like I think I do, he had many snacks during the day that a lot of people would consider unhealthy. After dinner we spent some time together, cuddling on the couch in the living room before we went to bed. Bilbo hasn't said anything about feeling unwell or indicated that something was wrong. The way I saw it, it was just another day. One day less before we would get to meet our baby. I still remember how he waited for me to return from the bathroom to kiss me before falling asleep.

I didn't expect for something to go wrong. I was tired from working all day so I was sleeping pretty heavily, but sill, the movement on the other side of the bed managed to wake me up.

I rubbed my sleepy eyes when I heard whimpering coming from the other side of my bed. "Bilbo?" I called. All I received was a loud cry. I immediately reached for the switch and turned on the light on my nightstand before turning around to see what was happening to my husband.

Bilbo was curled up in a ball, arms wrapped around his abdomen. "Bilbo? What's wrong?" I asked again.

"Thorin," he cried. "Our baby…"

When he said those words I felt my heart stop for a second. Something was wrong with our baby. I pulled the covers off of him, but it was already too late. He had a huge stain of blood on his pajama bottom. Everything else happened so fast I don't even remember it correctly.

I rushed to the closet and pulled some pants on, reached for my phone and car keys and before you know it we were on the way to the hospital. I tried calling our doctor several times, but I managed to wake him up just before we reached the hospital.

Bilbo was admitted in and I was forced to wait outside. Our doctor promised me to come and he did. He came ten minutes after we did. In that time others took care of my husband. He promised me to do everything he could before he went to help my husband and our baby.

I was left in the waiting room, pulling my hair out, pacing up and down… I just couldn't calm down. I was prepared for the worst. What were merely hours felt like days to me. I had absolutely no idea what was going on and I was slowly losing my patience. The life of my husband and our child were at risk and then that nurse dares to tell me to calm down when I ask her if she can tell me anything. She offers me a smile before she disappears once again.

A few hours later the doctor came into the waiting room. When I saw his expression I just collapsed into the chair.

"I'm sorry Mr. Durin. We did our best to save them both, but sadly the fetus didn't make it," he says. Tears are now streaming down my cheeks. How he dares to call my child fetus?! That was my baby. Our baby. We already had a first ultrasound and we were able to hear its heartbeat. For me, that's a baby. Not just a clump of cells.

"You can go to your husband if you like. He needs someone to comfort him," he says before he apologizes again and leaves. My husband needs comforting. Who will comfort me, I ask myself. Who will hug me and tell me that everything is going to be alright? I might have not carried the child, but the loss of it affected me too.

I decided to swallow my hurt and enter the room where my husband was. Bilbo was always more sensitive one and I know this will affect him greatly, but that doesn't mean I wasn't affected too. He will blame himself for this, I already knew that, but there was nothing I could do to make the pain go away. I could only offer him my support until things would get better.

We got back home two days later. I called my sister and asked her to go change the sheets on our bed, because the last thing I needed was for Bilbo to start avoiding our bedroom. There were some fresh flowers on our table with some 'get well soon' cards. All of our friends were informed of what happened and all the cards were addressed to Bilbo. Like I wasn't feeling any pain at all.

I still haven't thanked my sister for putting all the things Bilbo purchased for the baby away. She stored everything carefully in a box before putting it in the closet.

Bilbo had just enough strength to climb under the covers before he closed himself away from the rest of the world. I was left alone in our apartment. Everything felt so empty. I didn't even dare to turn on the TV because I didn't want to disturb Bilbo, but I knew I shouldn't leave him like this. Bilbo wasn't the best at handling pain and grief and I knew that if I left him alone for too long he could do something stupid.

I left him to his thoughts for the day, but I knew we needed to talk. Since I entered the hospital room we haven't exchanged more than a few words. The first thing he hugged me close and started sobbing in my chest. Now he was in our room, most likely thinking about our baby. I called to work and informed them that he won't be coming to work until he starts feeling better. They understood.

I made him dinner that night, but he pushed it away. He refused to eat anything. I got worried that he might get sick, but I still joined him on the bed, when he asked me to, and allowed him to snuggle close to me.

We talked that night. We discussed what has happened. I wanted him to understand that it was no one's fault and that things like this happen every day. This still wasn't over, the wound was still fresh, but I was determined to put this behind us. We fell asleep curled together that night and I was really hoping that the new day will bring some light in our life.

In the next few days Bilbo got out of the bed. I still haven't seen him smile, but I knew it was coming. We decided to take a week off from work. Spend some time together, rekindle our love, and strengthen back our relationship, our marriage, which was weakened by what has happened. It did marvels to Bilbo. We got to do some things we haven't done since we got married and after a few days I finally saw my husband smile.

As we returned to work things very quickly settled back into a routine we always had. It looked like that what happened was behind us. But I was wrong. A month later Bilbo was going through the closet, looking for his shoes to go with his suit. We were already late to the party, but Bilbo refused to go. As he was going through the closet he stumbled on the box that Dís put there. The moment I heard him crying from our bedroom I knew we weren't going anywhere that night.

The wound was still open no matter how much we wanted to forget about it. We needed some closure if we wanted to move on. That night we went to that tree where we shared our first kiss, where I proposed to him, to that tree that meant so much to us. We buried that box under it and left some flowers. Now our baby was resting peacefully.

After that things returned to normal. Everything was fine between us except our sex life. I wasn't selfish, but I needed my husband. Not just to get my release, my hand was able to achieve that, but I needed him to feel alive, to feel loved, and to show him love. I needed to make him feel wanted, because no matter what, my husband is the most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on.

But sadly, my husband wasn't into it. I understood. Making love meant making a new baby and he wasn't ready for that. I did my best to feel him wanted, to make him feel that I was still very much attracted to him. We shared baths and some showers together. Sometimes we slept naked… I wanted him to know that I will wait for him no matter how long it takes.

One day I got home from work later than usual. When I entered the apartment I knew something was different. I made my way to our bedroom, which Bilbo prepared for a romantic night. That night I felt him close like never before. Sure, we used protection, but the night was still amazing.

Things between us got better after that night, and I'm not talking just about sex, which has become mind-blowing, but in general we got along better. There was still one little thing that was hanging in the air between us: a child. Before we got married, before we even got engaged, we decided to have a child and after we lost one neither of us was sure if we are ready to go through it again.

A few months after Bilbo's miscarriage I sat him down because we needed to talk. I didn't want him to feel like he needed to give me a child. I was more than happy to adopt one, but I wanted one and I wanted him to know that. It was amazing that we were on the same page. Bilbo still wanted a child. What was the best was that he wanted it with me, just not yet. He asked me for a few more months. He had some things at work and I didn't want him to be stressed so of course, I agreed.

My husband earned a promotion and of course I was proud of him, I always was and I always will be. That night we finally made love. I felt amazing after it, holding my husband close, we were both relaxed and very happy. The next few days we were very happy, excited and nervous. We teased each other more than we normally did. There were some inappropriate messages left on our furniture, some really inappropriate texts sent during work. I loved it when my husband walked into our bedroom completely naked from the bathroom. He did just to tease me and I decided to play along. Needless to say he didn't wear anything that night.

He got lucky this time since no morning sickness pestered him until he asked me to buy him a pregnancy test. After we had a confirmation it looked like Bilbo's body finally understood the fact that it was carrying another being, because when Bilbo saw the result he threw up the very next second. And from that moment on he suffered morning sickness for the next six weeks.

We scheduled a doctor appointment the very next day. The doctor assured us that there was no way we could have prevented Bilbo's first miscarriage, but we still wanted to do everything we could to ensure that we would get a healthy baby at the end of the pregnancy. Bilbo was more reserved about this pregnancy than he was at the first one. He didn't want to tell anyone until he would start showing and I agreed. I took him to a few stores, tried to encourage him to buy some things for the baby, but Bilbo didn't want to buy one single thing.

I just wanted to see him excited about the baby, but I knew he was terrified. He was scared that something will happen and he was protecting himself from the pain. At our four-month appointment I told the doctor about my husband's fear. Of course Bilbo wanted to kill me. He later stated that I made him look like he didn't even wanted the baby, but that wasn't my intention. After the doctor assured us that our baby was developing normally we went back home. As expected we had a fight, which was a good thing, I think. In his anger Bilbo let out all the emotions and fears he has kept from me since losing our first baby.

I confronted him too, telling him that no one asked me how I felt. Maybe I was a little too harsh on him since he was pregnant, but he asked about my feelings about his miscarriage for the first time. Some old wound reopened that day, but we managed to get back to normal the very next day. Slowly things began to change in our life. Bilbo ate more than usual, he was having horrible mood swings so most of the time I was blamed for everything, but he also became hornier that usual. Not that I was complaining.

What changed things the most was when Bilbo wasn't able to zip his trousers anymore. It was hilarious to watch him worry so much over it. We went to the store after work that day. We bought some new clothes for him (that only fit him for the next few weeks) before he raided a baby store. Our car was filled with things for our baby and it took us almost a week to put everything in its designated place in the nursery. I just wanted to say that my loving husband, who I love very much, made me rearrange the entire nursery several times before he gave birth.

We had fun as we watched the belly grow. It meant that our baby was grooving and at every appointment the doctor assured us that our baby was healthy and developing as it should. We told our friends and our neighbors, though I'm not sure why we did that. It was more than obvious we were expecting a baby. My husband went from 'I want to hide the fact that I'm pregnant' to 'I want everyone to know' with his tight shirts that showed his protruding belly. This time everything turned out to be perfect.

How do I know this? Because right now I'm sitting on our bed next to my husband and our almost two-days-old son. We came from the hospital this morning and after getting accustomed to being at home, my two favorite people fell asleep next to me. Bilbo was tired. The labor was long, but he did so great and after all that pain we had to get through we were finally able to hold our baby boy. He is perfect and we were never happier.

Why am I writing this? Because now I'll finally be able to put everything behind me. My future is bright like the fire that will destroy this letter that was never addressed to anyone in particular. I just wanted to put all this out of my head. When I'm done here I will join my husband and my son and when we wake up we'll be able to write letters with happy memories, memories we will treasure forever.

Author's notes:

All mistakes are mine.

I was trying something new here.