Moving Forward
Summary: L/L, Post-Partings. One-shot. "It was a break-up. They both knew it. But Luke was certain of one thing: he wanted Lorelai back."
A/N: I know we're all sick of post-Partings fics, but this is a scenario I described to a friend which thereafter would not leave me alone until I wrote it down. It's from a slightly different perspective in which all of Luke's sins from season 6 are not canceled out by Lorelai's idiotic trip to Boston. It always bothered me that Lorelai took so much of the blame for their first break-up in season 5. Same with this situation.
Thanks to Makita, my beta, who has great ideas, a keen sense of story, and spellcheck.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Don't sue me, or I'll sue you back. And I'll ask for damages for intentional infliction of emotional distress.
Rating: T
It was a break-up. They both knew it.
She issued an ultimatum to which he would not, could not say yes. She walked away. He failed to go after her.
And yet, in the intervening weeks, Luke could not help but feel angry and betrayed when he heard that she had gotten back together with Christopher. He did not know the details, as most people had the good sense to steer their conversations to other topics when he was around. But he knew the basics, the highlights, so to speak. For instance, he knew that Lorelai had gone to Boston that night.
That night. His entire history could now be divided up into two time lines: before and after that night.
Luke also knew that she spent little time in Star's Hollow anymore. She still worked at the Dragonfly, certainly, and Babette claimed that the house was still inhabited. But most weekends she drove to Boston, or perhaps New Haven. Luke was not certain exactly where she was, only that whenever he drove by her house on some imagined errand, the lights were off and her car was conspicuously absent from the driveway.
If he had been confused as to whether that night had constituted a break-up, the state of their relationship was starkly defined the next morning when Kirk, dressed as an official messenger, delivered a small manila envelope containing Lorelai's engagement ring. No note. Nothing else. Kirk gave him a pitying look as he signed for the envelope, but Luke's scowl quickly drove him from the diner. Then Luke just stared at the ring, wondering when it had all gone wrong. But he did not go after her.
The next day, Kirk returned with two large boxes full of Luke's things. Clothing, bathroom supplies, tools, and so forth. Everything that he had accumulated at her house. He felt surprised that it all fit into two boxes until he realized he had been spending more and more nights at his apartment. Early deliveries, dinners with April, and so forth. It had made sense at the time. But standing there, signing for the two boxes that had come to represent his life with Lorelai, nothing made sense anymore.
On the third day, during the late breakfast lull, Luke noticed immediately as Lorelai's Jeep pulled up outside the diner towing his boat. While he had done some work on it during the past year, all thoughts of the vessel sitting in Lorelai's garage had been relegated to the back of his mind when April came into the picture. He felt his heart constrict in his chest as the the car door opened, but he was sharply disappointed to see Kirk get out of the car, unhook the boat, and enter the diner.
"Delivery," he said, sounding more comfortable with the position. Luke simply grabbed the clipboard and signed for the boat. He was about to let Kirk walk out without another word, but something inside forced Luke to stop him.
"Hey, Kirk, looks like you've been doing a lot for Lorelai," Luke said casually, though it was clear he was fishing for information.
"Well, not really. Just you. I mean, Lorelai just hired me to bring some things to you. To make sure your break-up is official."
"Official?" he said. The word tasted like ashes in his mouth.
"You knew what I was doing!"
"Well, no, not officially."
"Not officially? Oh, come on. I mean, I didn't have a ref present, but other than that."
"You didn't say anything official."
"What was I supposed to say? I did things. I let my actions speak. That's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to let your actions speak. That's the romantic way to do this, damn it!"
o o o o o
"We should do something. Official."
"Official."
"Yeah. Something to commemorate the moment. I mean, we're getting married, Luke. Married. You and me. Luke table-for-one Danes and Lorelai I'm-sorry-can-I-get-an-industrial-forklift-for-my-emotional-baggage Gilmore are getting married."
"Yeah, Lorelai always did like making things 'official,'" Luke said, the memories were salt in his still burning emotional wounds. Officially together. Officially engaged. And now, officially broken up.
"You okay?" Kirk asked, sounding genuinely concerned.
Luke wanted to scream at him, to grab him by his official little shirt and throw him out the front door. But he restrained himself.
"Yeah, just fine," he lied. "So, how's she doing? She look... okay to you?"
"Lorelai? Um, yeah, she looks fine. Tired maybe." Noting Luke's expression of disappointment that perhaps Lorelai was not taking the break-up all that hard, he quickly added, "Of course, I'm not that great of a judge of people. I'm much better with dogs."
A week later, Kirk returned to the diner again, like a harbinger of bad tidings. He carried only a small legal-sized envelope with his standard clipboard.
After he signed for it, Luke noticed that Kirk sat down at the counter, ostensibly for coffee, but probably out of sheer curiosity as to what was in the envelope from Lorelai. Luke rolled his eyes, but having gotten used to everyone poking their nose into his business (Miss Patty and Babette had interrogated him no less than three times since the break-up), he simply poured a cup of coffee and turned his attention to the envelope Lorelai had sent him.
Inside he found two pieces of paper: a cashier's check for $60,000 and a typed note from Lorelai on Dragonfly letterhead showing the figures they had worked out for the loan he had given her to finish the inn plus the expenses he had incurred for the renovation on her house. Interest had been factored into both, and the total rounded up. On the bottom, she had signed the paper and had it notarized.
"She said if you need something more official, for the bank or whatever, to tell me and I'll let her know," Kirk interjected.
"No, I think this is official enough," Luke said sadly, and they both knew he referred to more than just the banking aspects of her note. She had severed all ties to him, both emotional and financial. She had made clear that she owed him nothing, needed nothing more from him. It felt cold and calculated, much as he imagined it must have seemed to her when he had removed his boat from her garage when they broke up before. Never mind the fact that she had probably borrowed the money from her parents, a debt she would have given her right arm to avoid.
A week later, Luke had occasion to be reminded once again of how dramatically his life was changed with he and Lorelai splitting up. While he had not run into Lorelai anywhere in town in the weeks since their fight outside the diner, he very suddenly found himself faced with the next most awkward confrontation: Rory Gilmore, in all her glory, buying junk food and milk at Doose's.
They bumped into each other in one of the aisles, and the resulting silence could have been cut with a knife. Noting the red vines, pop tarts, and other unhealthy items in her basket, Luke guessed that she was shopping for a weekend with her mother.
"Hey," he said finally.
Rory nodded to him stiffly in acknowledgment. "Hi," she said back.
"So, I guess you came to visit your mom..." he said hesitantly.
"Yeah," she answered. "Movies and junk food. You know us."
"Yeah." They stood for a few seconds longer, neither sure what else to say. "Well, feel free to come by the diner if you want some real food," he offered.
"Thanks," she said flatly, the word was devoid of the usual friendliness she displayed towards Luke. "But I don't think that's the best idea."
Rory left him then, heading quickly towards the register to check out. She seemed sad, but at the same time angry as well. Luke supposed that she blamed him for what had happened with her mother.
That assumption became blindingly apparent the next afternoon when she did make an appearance at the diner. And while she looked tired and distant, he still felt that little spark in his gut, the one he always got whenever she and Lorelai would come in to eat or just sip coffee and chat. They had always been a bright spot in his life, first as friends and then as people who came to rely on him. Luke seriously doubted that feeling would ever go away.
"Hey," he said to Rory, automatically reaching to fill her a cup of coffee. But she waved a hand in refusal.
"No coffee, but thanks. I just wanted to come by and bring you this." She pulled out a small box white box, and he recognized it as soon as she set it on the counter. "Your mother's pearls," she said unnecessarily.
"I gave them to you," he said stiffly.
She shrugged. "Well, I didn't think it right that I have them, what with everything that's happened..."
"Hey, look, just because your mom and I-"
"Not just that," she interrupted. "You should give them to April. She's your kid. Flesh and blood. I'm just the daughter of the woman you didn't marry."
There was such acidity in her voice, it brought Luke up short. She did blame him for the break-up.
"Rory, what happened between your mom and me, it wasn't just my fault," he pointed out.
"No, it wasn't," she acknowledged sharply, "but it wasn't all her fault either."
"So this is the way it's going to be? She's badmouthing me behind my back now?" Luke demanded.
Rory's face lit up with anger. "She isn't badmouthing you!" she exclaimed. "She is devastated. How can you not realize that? All she did was tell me what happened. You shut her out. You canceled the wedding. You refused to marry her."
"She walked away," Luke answered. "She walked away, not me. She issued an ultimatum. And when I didn't jump the exact moment she told me to, she walked away and drove to Boston to be with your father."
Rory shook her head at him. "You know, I'm really disappointed in you. I expected better from you, I really did. I mean, you're Luke. You were like the father that my dad never was. You always took care of us. And you made my mom happier than I have ever seen her. What happened to that? What happened to you? As soon as you found out about April, its like you became this other person."
"Well, you find out you have a kid you never knew about and then tell me the proper way to handle it," Luke shot back.
"You didn't even tell her about April. You kept it a secret for months. Months. You – the same person who broke up with her because she lied to you about drinking tequila one night with my dad after his father died. You broke up with her for that. And yet, you lie to her, never even tell her about your daughter, and she forgives you. I mean, did she seriously walk in and find April filling salt shakers? Is that how they met? Like my mom was just some random stranger on the street? And that's how you've been treating her, like she means nothing to you."
"I think you need to leave," Luke told her angrily.
Rory crossed her arms defiantly, but her voice was sad. "You know what I think? I think you've been in here stewing, thinking you're the wronged party in all this. And she's at home crying her eyes out because you're the only man she's ever loved and you don't want her anymore."
"She's the one that's moved on," Luke said. "Everyone in town knows she goes to Boston every weekend."
"Yeah, she does," she admitted. "But at least Dad treats her like a person. He actually acts like he wants her around."
With that, Rory spun on her heel and left the diner, being careful to shut the door firmly behind her. Luke watched her go, his anger fading to a dull pain in his chest. Even Rory hated him. Sweet, gentle, doe-eyed Rory, who had thought of him as the father her father never was. It hurt him deeply to know her opinion of him had sunk so low.
Luke spent the rest of the afternoon trying to distract himself – he cooked, wiped down the counter, refilled the shelves in the stock room, anything to keep his mind occupied. But no matter how busy he stayed, Rory's words continued to replay in his mind.
"You shut her out. You canceled the wedding. You refused to marry her."
Is that how Lorelai really saw it? Because he had refused to elope that night in the street, when she was hysterical and crying, that he did not want to marry her? And they had never canceled the wedding, only postponed it.
Well, Lorelai had told him over Valentine's Day how she felt like it was never going to happen. He had tried to reassure her, to tell her he needed more time to figure stuff out. Maybe that was their problem: his need for time and her inability to give it to him. That had been the catalyst of their first break-up in Doose's after her parents' vow renewal.
And yet, a small insistent voice in Luke's head refused to accept that analysis. The voice sounded suspiciously like Rory and kept arguing that Lorelai had been giving him time. She had been giving him space to deal with April and Anna and the wedding. She had offered to postpone the wedding. She had stayed away from the diner when he told her April would be there. Even though it was clearly killing her.
No, Luke was not blind. He knew the past few months had been difficult for Lorelai. But he had been so focused on dealing with April and trying to find his way through that situation, his attention had been understandably elsewhere. If she had only waited, held on for a few more months, he would have been able to process everything, to feel more secure in his relationship with April.
While the resolution did not quite silence the doubtful voices in his head, Luke contented himself with the notion that he had always stood by Lorelai, even through those months of separation from Rory, and he had deserved the same consideration from her.
Another week went by, appalling in its normality. People came to the diner, ate, paid, and left. Luke continued through all the motions of his life, working at the diner as he had always done and scheduling visits with April. If nothing else, he did find enjoyment in spending time with his daughter. But sometimes, as he listened to her prattle on about classes and friends and science experiments, he found himself missing Lorelai and her incessant chatter. The cadence of her voice as she spoke. The infectious excitement she infused into every subject. The way she made even the most mundane things seem interesting and amusing.
The fact that he missed Lorelai was no great shock. But the idea that she was gone because of him, because of his actions, was something that had weighed on him like nothing else before. After Rory's visit to the diner and their fight, self-doubt had colored all his thoughts on the subject. The past months since April had entered his life replayed in his mind, over and over as though on a never-ending loop. And while he found justification for all his actions, he also saw ways he could have done things differently. Perhaps should have done them differently.
But life had to go on. That is until one of Taylor's shipments was delayed in Hartford due to a trucker's union strike and Luke found himself going to the drug store in search of a new bottle of aspirin. Another side effect of his break-up with Lorelai was the constant stream of curious townspeople who came into the diner fishing for information and the headaches they inevitably caused. Miss Patty seemed to consider it her life's work to figure out exactly what had happened between he and Lorelai that fateful night that drove them apart for good. And with Lorelai spending so little time in town anymore, Luke had to endure his status as the stationary target of her curiosity.
However, on that particular day in the drug store, Luke was both shocked and strangely satisfied to hear Miss Patty interrogating someone else one aisle over. But within seconds he realized that the subject of her questions was none other than Lorelai Gilmore herself.
"I'm fine Patty, really," he heard her say, and her tone cut through him like a knife. The words were forced, hollow like his chest felt sometimes, and he almost picture her giving the other woman a reassuring smile.
"No one's seen you around in weeks," Patty said. "Its like you don't even come into town anymore."
"I just don't want things to be awkward, you know?" Lorelai answered. "Things were bad enough the first time, and I really didn't want to go through that again."
"So is it true you're back with Rory's father now?" Luke rolled his eyes at the blunt, prying question. But he would not have stopped his eavesdropping at that moment even if the building had been set on fire.
After a moment, she managed a halting, "Chris and I are friends. I was kind of a wreck after... well, after. And Chris is just being being supportive of me right now."
"I'm so sorry things didn't work out between you and Luke," Patty said sympathetically.
"Yeah, me too," Lorelai agreed. "But I guess some things just aren't meant to be. They're not supposed to be that hard."
"Well, everyone could tell how unhappy you were," she pointed out. "That speech you made at Lane's wedding..."
Lorelai groaned. "Please, don't remind me of that."
"Yeah, that was a bad night. But honey, if there's anything I can do, let me know. And you just say the word, and I'll give that Luke a firm talking to."
"Please, Patty, leave him alone. No matter what happened between us, he's a good man and I don't want anyone acting like this was all his fault. That's one of the reasons I've been keeping my distance. He grew up here. This is his town. I don't want anyone bringing out ribbons or taking sides or treating him differently on my account."
Luke was not able to hear the rest of the conversation as Gypsy walked by at that moment and, hearing Lorelai's voice and noting his slightly hunched stance as he struggled to listen, gave him a suspicious look. Chagrined for his behavior, Luke gave her an embarrassed smile and continued down the aisle. Blindly grabbing a bottle of pain killers from one of the shelves, he quickly headed towards the front counter to pay.
But just as he was handing over his money to the sales girl, he noticed the entire mood of the store suddenly change. It felt like a chill wind had blown down his spine, and instinctively he turned around.
Lorelai stood staring at him for a second, clearly shocked to see him there. Her eyes were ringed with dark circles, as though she had not been sleeping. As well, her clothes hung loose, as though she had lost weight, despite the bag of candy she had in one hand. Luke wondered if she realized he had heard her conversation with Patty, if that knowledge made her look like a deer caught in a pair of headlights, unsure whether to run or simply wait for the inevitable end.
He waited for her to speak, to say something. Maybe to apologize for the way she had returned his things by messenger. Or for walking away from him that night and going to Boston to seek comfort from Christopher. He did not expect her to say what she did.
"You're buying midol?" she asked, somewhere between amusement and disbelief.
Luke glanced down and confirmed that he had indeed picked up a box of the female menstrual medication.
"First thing I grabbed," he answered, hoping his face had not turned as red as it felt. But Lorelai just nodded and cast her eyes to the floor, signaling the end of the conversation.
"Do you need a bag?"
Luke blinked once and looked at Lorelai curiously before realizing the check-out girl had spoken to him. Turning back, he looked from her to the midol to the plastic bag apparatus next to her. And somehow, what she had just asked escaped him. Did he need a bag? For one little box? That was so wasteful! And why did they not have paper bags anymore? Paper bags were so much better for the environment because they were easier to recycle, or rather they used to be. And yet, he was struck by the possibility of half the town watching him walk out of the drug store carrying a box of women's cramp medication. It was a bit of a conundrum.
"Uh..."
The girl looked at him impatiently, and he heard Lorelai clear her throat behind him. He felt even his ears go red as he realized she was audience to his little moment of indecision, but before he could say anything, Lorelai spoke up.
"He needs a bag," she told the girl decisively.
Not bothering to confirm the choice with Luke, she put the box into the plastic bag and handed it to Luke with his receipt. "Have a nice day," she said with forced professionalism. He almost told her what he was thinking, that there were no more nice days, but instead he simply moved out of the way.
Before leaving, he glanced once more behind him at Lorelai as she smiled at the cashier and placed her candy on the counter. When she did not look his way again, he quickly headed out the door.
Their encounter at the pharmacy haunted Luke for days. Never one for dwelling on things, he found himself going over and over the conversation he had overheard with Miss Patty. Then, he could not lose the image of Lorelai standing there looking at him in shock. And interspersed with that, Rory's voice continued to reproach him like his own personal Jimminy Cricket.
To make matters worse, as though to make up for the weeks of never seeing Lorelai at all, he began to see her more and more. Glimpses, usually, across the square. She would dart into the post office and then back out. Into Doose's once (during the lunch rush, so he was sure to be busy at the diner), although he could not tell for what. On the streets, he would sometimes pass her as she presumably drove to Boston or New Haven, or perhaps even Hartford.
Overall, she seemed to be doing okay. Living and working. Functioning. Just like him. Taking one day at a time without much thought beyond the immediate future.
The catalyst for Luke occurred on a Thursday evening, about an hour before the diner closed. Caesar had gone home early, leaving him to take care of the handful of remaining customers and close down. He had just finished wiping down the counter and was in the process of making a new pot of coffee when he overheard a snippet of a conversation between two tourists sitting at one of the tables.
"Well, if he lets her slip away, he has only himself to blame."
Luke's ears zeroed in on the words, the way they do when someone suspects they are the subject of someone else's discussion. But he quickly deduced that the young tourists' 'he' in question was the woman's dad, and the 'her' was actually his talented but underpaid administrative assistant.
And yet, the words stayed with him through the rest of the night. They combined with the little Rory voice that had taken up residence in his head, as well as Miss Patty's side of the conversation from the drug store. And as he lay in bed, achingly conscious of its emptiness, his self doubts and nagging fears were personified by the owners of those voices.
Luke could see them, all four of them, sitting on the big red couch from the Black & White & Read movie theater, lecturing him on his shortcomings as a boyfriend, as a fiance, as a father, as a friend.
"You shut her out. You canceled the wedding. You refused to marry her," Rory said sadly, as though she were channeling her mother's emotions.
"You two belonged together. The whole town knew it," Miss Patty pointed out. "And everyone could tell how unhappy she was. Why couldn't you?"
"If you let her slip away, you'll only have yourself to blame," the tourist woman said while her companion nodded his head in solemn agreement.
Rory added, "She said she loves you, something she's never said to you before. She's never said that to any man before. She wanted to marry you. My mother, the commitment-phobe. She was there, ready and willing. Where were you?"
Suddenly Babette and Lane entered the scene, each perching themselves on the end of the couch. "I'm the same age as her daughter, and I got married before Lorelai did," Lane pointed out. "How do you think that made her feel?"
"That house had been awfully empty since you discovered that long-lost daughter of yours," Babette said knowingly.
"I've had a lot going on!" Luke defended, but no one seemed to hear him. Instead, before he truly realized what was happening, even more people had joined the discussion.
Sookie nodded in agreement with Babette's comment. "And she's been trying so hard to give you time and space to deal with April, that she hasn't let you know how much you've been hurting her."
"You had ze gall to yell at her for keeping secrets and zen you did not tell her about that girl for months," Michel said snidely, glaring contemptuously.
"I apologized for that!" Luke yelled, but again, no one acted as though they heard him.
"And despite that, she came to your rescue at my party," April stated. Her appearance startled Luke, but not as much as he thought it would. "She didn't have to do that, especially with your insistence that you wanted to spent time with me away from her."
"Then you let me ruin it." Anna stood with arms folded, and the vague look of disappointment in him that she always seemed to carry was much stronger. "You let her think that being around April was a mistake, that she didn't belong."
"If she really felt that way, why didn't she tell me about it?" Luke challenged.
"You broke up with her the last time she pushed you," Taylor responded, and he vividly remembered that scene at the market. "Who's to say you wouldn't have done it again?"
"That's crazy!"
"You'd already canceled the wedding," Rory said.
"Postponed," he insisted.
"You didn't tell her about April."
Lane amended, "Who you let everyone else in town hang out with except Lorelai."
"She's the one who left!" he shouted in frustration. "She walked away! She ending things by going to Christopher."
Kirk stepped up next to Luke so that they were side by side facing the crowd of people that had gathered.
"Don't worry, I'm with you," the other man said encouragingly. "It's her fault. She slept with that guy when you two were still engaged."
"Exactly," Luke said, beginning to feel a little validation.
"Of course, by not eloping with her, that could be seen as an end to the engagement," Taylor pointed out logically.
"But she was still wearing the ring," Kirk defended.
"Really splitting hairs here," Miss Patty said disapprovingly. "What was she supposed to do? Hand it to him before she left? Throw it at him? Maybe she was hoping he'd go after her."
"You should have gone after her," threw in Babette.
Kirk shook his head vehemently. "Lorelai should have just waited. She should have just kept toughing it out until Luke got his act together. That's what he did for Rory when she was off playing Yale drop-out."
"Even though it was killing her?" Rory demanded, obviously incensed over the dig against her person.
Kirk was unmoved. "Yep."
"Even when Luke canceled the wedding?" Noting Luke's angry glare, Miss Patty corrected herself. "Fine, even though he postponed the wedding and didn't set a new date?"
Kirk nodded. "Absolutely."
"That doesn't seem fair."
"Life is unfair," he stated blandly.
"Hey, none of this matters anyway," Luke cut in. "What's done is done. She's with him now."
"Sure, she's with Christopher now," Emily said sagely, her appearance as mysterious as everyone else's. Her words sounded eerily reminiscent of what Christopher himself had said at their vow renewal ceremony. "But that's not forever. That's just for now. She belongs with you, Luke. Its obvious."
"Lorelai's problem is that she seeks validation in inappropriate places," Richard interjected thoughtfully. "She's been seeking our approval her entire life."
"When you refused to elope, she saw that as a rejection and went to Christopher," Lorelai's mother continued. "Clearly he wants her, even if you don't. And he trusts her, wants her to be around both him and his daughter. That was obviously something she needed, to feel needed, to feel wanted."
"Something you clearly haven't been making her feel," her father said.
"Fine, you all think whatever you want. I'm a terrible person for pushing her away, for losing her. It's all my fault. There, are you happy?" Luke shouted angrily.
"Suga', the question is, are you happy?" Babette asked sincerely. "Are you willing to let all this crap come between you two?"
"Well, there's no question," Miss Patty answered for him. "He's very unhappy. Lorelai's the love of his life. Without her, he goes back to being what he always was before – the grumpy diner owner."
Kirk said, "He'll be his Uncle Louie."
"Hey, I thought you were on my side," Luke accused.
"Sorry, Luke. Gotta call 'em as I see 'em."
Suddenly, Liz stepped forward with TJ beside her. "You will turn out like Uncle Louie if you let your pride stand in the way of what you really want," she told him.
"Yeah, look at your sister and me. We've had tons of fights, but we're still together," TJ said.
"This is different! She slept with Christopher," he insisted, looking around at the myriad of alternating sympathetic and hostile faces. "If she wanted my forgiveness, she could have come to me."
"And what about her forgiveness?" Rory asked. "Did you ever ask for hers?"
"Honey, that's not the point," Miss Patty said with finality. "The real point of all this is, do you still love her?"
"He does," Kirk said authoritatively.
"And what are you going to do about it?" The collected crowd murmured in agreement all around him.
Luke awoke with a start, only to find himself alone in his apartment. It occurred to him suddenly that the entire confrontation he had just had was a dream. An intense, vivid, disturbing dream, but a dream nevertheless. And yet, the words were so vivid, the voices so fresh and persuasive, that it felt like more of a revelation than a random collection of thoughts. Dreams were a way of sorting things out, to put things in perspective, and to face unspoken fears. They were a gateway to the subconscious.
And one thing felt very certain to Luke: his subconscious wanted Lorelai back.
His restless thoughts kept Luke awake the remainder of the night. By the time morning dawned, he was fully dressed and ready to open the diner. He had also swept and mopped the entire place, completely cleaned out the kitchen, and reorganized the entire storage room. His reasons for keeping so busy were twofold. First, he had to stay occupied or he felt certain he would go crazy. And second, the activity helped him to think.
By the time Lane arrived to help him with the breakfast crowd, Luke was so wound up he felt as though he would burst out of his skin. He also looked more cheerful than anyone had seen him since the break-up, and Lane eyed him suspiciously as he made coffee.
"Is everything okay?" she asked, genuinely concerned. Despite her connection with the Gilmores, she had not taken sides, had not said a word to him about it except to ask after his well being.
But Luke simply shook his head. "Not yet," he answered truthfully. But it's going to be."
When Caesar came into work later that day, Luke used the opportunity to get away and implement the first part of his plan. The walk to the Dragonfly felt both intimidating and liberating. Luke ignored the stares he received from townspeople who were quite obviously wondering why he was headed in the direction of Lorelai's inn. He used the time to think, to try and formulate what he wanted to say to her. Unfortunately, his mind went completely blank as he reached the front door.
He hesitated for a moment over the threshold where they had shared their first kiss but quickly pushed the memory to the back of his mind and went inside. The lobby looked much as it had the last time he had been there, although oddly empty and quiet for mid-morning. The dining room had a few guests, but it was not very busy either.
Luke immediately spotted Michel at the desk, who visibly stiffened at the sight of Lorelai's ex-boyfriend.
"You are not welcome here," the Frenchman proclaimed immediately.
"I'm here to see Lorelai," Luke told him.
"Iz she expecting you?" he demanded.
"Well, no-"
"Zen you are not welcome here."
"Michel, just tell me if she's in her office."
He glared at Luke for a moment before answering, "She is in ze kitchen with Sookie." As Luke turned in that direction, he added, "But guests are not allowed back there, and certainly not you. I will tell her you are here." Glancing around quickly, he said, "You may wait in the library. But don't touch anything."
Deciding that acquiescence was a better course than making a scene with the snobby manager, Luke walked into the library but did not sit down. It did not take long for Lorelai to enter, looking as surprised and stressed by his visit as he had anticipated.
"What are you doing here?" she said immediately.
"I need to talk to you."
"I'm at work," Lorelai reminded him forcefully.
He ignored the fact that she had interrupted him at his work countless times for any number of reasons over the years, choosing instead to say, "Then we can go outside. Or in your office. But I need to talk to you."
Lorelai folded her arms uncomfortably, looking very much like her daughter as she did so. She looked at the ground for a few seconds, and he wondered if she would refuse him. But ultimately she agreed, "Okay, but outside. The walls here have ears."
Luke nodded and followed her out to the front porch, then further as she led him to the small barn that housed the horses. Both animals afforded them curious looks before swishing their tails disinterestedly and ignoring them.
"Okay, what do you want to say?" Lorelai asked. While she kept her expression blank, her voice betrayed her fatigue as well as the sadness she tried to conceal.
"I love you and I want you back," Luke declared. He let the words hang in the air, watching as she digested them. She seemed momentarily stunned, then irritated and hurt as though he had physically stung her.
"That's it? That's what you wanted to say? Well, I think its a little late for that, don't you?" she asked, not in anger but in resignation.
"No, I don't."
"Luke, it's over," she said desperately. "We're over. I can't keep doing this with you." Luke tried to reach out to her, but she took a step back.
"I screwed up!" he admitted. "I let things fall apart, and then I didn't listen to you when I should have. And I let you walk away. But that doesn't mean we can't fix this."
"Luke, I can't go back to that. I can't go back to you keeping me out of your life, like I'm just some customer off the street or a casual acquaintance. We were engaged, Luke. And you didn't trust me, you wouldn't let me in."
He took a deep breath as he tried to remain calm. "I didn't realize I was doing that, Lorelai. You didn't say anything, and I didn't see it. But I know now, and I'm ready to try again. Can't we start over?"
"Luke, I just... I can't do this any more," she said quietly, and he could tell she struggled to contain her tears. "I can't keep walking around on eggshells with you, trying to give you the space and the time you say you need, but at the same time feeling like I'm losing you. It's too hard, Luke. And this isn't the way things were supposed to be for us. You were supposed to be it, Luke. We were supposed to be it."
"So, what, that's it?" he asked, incredulous. "After everything, you're just going to give up?"
She looked so frustrated and confused and upset, the emotions twisting through her like a tornado. Luke felt the same things, as well as undeniable satisfaction that she was just as affected by the situation as him and encouragement that she obviously still had feelings for him.
"Maybe giving up would be the best thing... for both of us," Lorelai admitted sadly.
Luke stood still for a few seconds, fighting back the anger that he felt welling up. It was the same anger that always hit him when he saw injustice in the world or blatant stupidity. The type of anger he usually reserved for Taylor-ideas and government-issued directives.
"Well, maybe its not the best thing, for either of us!" he contested heatedly. As he spoke, his voice became more elevated, his tone more pronounced as he managed to hit that perfect pitch just below yelling. "Maybe we are 'it.' Did you think about that? Maybe we're it, and if we don't give this another chance, we'll always regret it. Because I know one thing for certain – I love you. I've loved you since the night you asked me to marry you. Since you bought my dad's boat and kept it in your garage. Since I realized you were the one I want to tell things to at the end of a bad day. The one who makes everything better just by being around. And hell, if I'm being really honest, I've probably loved you since the day you walked into my diner and handed me that damn horoscope."
"Luke..." She was crying now, the tears streaming silently down her face.
"Look," he started again, afraid to let her speak, to let her deny what they had shared. "I know things are bad right now. I know you're with..." He paused for a second as he forced himself to say the words, "...him right now. But just give me another chance. One chance, Lorelai. I think you owe me that. You owe us that."
She stared at the ground for a long moment, unwilling or unable to answer.
"I'm not with Christopher," she said finally, so quietly Luke had trouble hearing her. "We... there was one night. That night. I was drunk, not thinking straight... It was like one of those moments when you feel like everything is crashing down around you, and you're crashing at the same time. Like the world is coming to an end and nothing can be done about it. And I was so afraid of hitting bottom that I grabbed onto the closest thing at hand." She looked up at him, and he could see the misery in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Luke. I really am. No matter what the status of our relationship that night, I shouldn't have... " She trailed off, unable to finish.
He just nodded, accepting the apology for what it was: a sincere expression of regret. It did not change the fact that she had indeed slept with Rory's father, but if nothing else, it let him know, despite their break-up, that she had not meant to hurt him. By the look on her face, he figured the guilt from that act had been weighing on her heavily for the past weeks.
"So you're not... seeing him?" Luke asked, needing confirmation.
She shook her head. "Not like that. We hang out sometimes, have dinner with his daughter or Rory, but not like that." She took a deep breath. "Luke..."
He was not certain what she intended to say, but based on her tone of voice, he guessed that it was not good. So he quickly jumped in before she could continue speaking.
"Then go out to dinner with me."
"I don't think that's such a good idea, Luke." Her voice was unsteady and full of doubt. "Every time we try this, we just end up hurting each other. I don't want to hurt you any more." He could hear the unspoken, I don't want to be hurt again.
"Lorelai, I know there's a lot of stuff we need to work out. We can't just go back to where we were overnight. But we can take things slow, try to figure out what went wrong and make it better." She looked on the verge of indecision, as though she desperately wanted to believe him but was too afraid. "One dinner. No pressure."
But Lorelai was already shaking her head. "Luke, I can't. I just... can't."
She left him standing in the barn without another word.
As Luke walked back to the diner, he felt worse than the night he had refused Lorelai's ultimatum and watched as she walked away. Because this time, no amount of denial or anger could cloud the fact that she did love him. She did want to be with him. She just could not stand for him to hurt her again. It was self-protection, plain and simple. And somehow, he had to show her that he could be trusted with her heart.
He had also spent a great deal of time ruminating over the past months, especially the situation with April. That time period was certainly the focal point of his problems with Lorelai, although not necessarily the cause. And he knew that if he wanted to fix things, to get her back, he would need to address the root of their issues. He would need something to offer her besides an apology and a desperate plea to remember the good times. Something symbolic, perhaps. He wanted to give her proof that he understood what he had been putting her through and was taking steps to correct it. He wanted to show her that he still loved her. Actions, not words, had always been his strong suit.
The week that followed, Luke mounted a carefully planned siege. On Monday, he called up Kirk and had him deliver her coffee and danishes at the inn, even though, as Kirk pointed out, it was not yet Danish Day. Unfortunately (but not unexpectedly), the coffee and food was returned untouched, and Kirk gave him a sympathetic shrug of the shoulders. But Luke refused to give up.
On Tuesday, he sent coffee and muffins, tipping Kirk an extra twenty to make sure Lorelai actually smelled the coffee. But alas, no luck.
This continued until Friday, when he waited until afternoon and sent the coffee with a freshly-made burger, complete with a side order of steaming chili cheese fries, one of Lorelai's favorite meals. Much to his surprise, Kirk returned empty handed and grinning, the food having been accepted. Neither of them knew then that part of the reason Lorelai had kept the offerings was the fact that Sookie, romantic that she was, had noticed Luke's attempts and deliberately sabotaged her own coffee pot. Without the caffeine, Lorelai's defenses were taken out and no amount of fortitude could have forced her to send back the burger.
The following week he sent coffee and a vase of flowers – exactly one dozen red roses nestled in babies' breath. Classic, elegant, and romantic.
"I don't know what you wrote on that card, but she definitely smiled. At least I think it was a smile. I tried to read the card, just to understand the context, but when I got too close she threatened to hurt me," Kirk told him later that afternoon. His words gave Luke a small measure of hope that he was reaching her.
The card had simply read: Just wanted to be clear with my intentions.
Two days later, he sent a box of her favorite DVD's, or at least the ones she did not already own. He also included a package of red vines (for her) and a box of doggie treats (for Paul Anka). But he did not send coffee. Rather, he told Kirk to relay the message that he would be happy to give her as much coffee as she wanted if she would come to the diner.
Three days later, just as Luke was beginning to re-think his no more coffee policy, she walked into the diner looking clearly irritated. Without preamble or pretense, she took a seat at one of the counter stools, picked up a nearby coffee cup, and held it out to him. "Coffee machine at the inn is broken," she grumbled by way of explanation.
Luke filled the cup wordlessly before asking, "Want something to eat?"
She shrugged as she looked around at the room she had not been in for close to two months. Nothing had changed. Just like Luke. "No, just coffee," she said.
"Okay, but tomorrow you have to eat something," he informed her.
"Who said I'm coming in tomorrow?" Lorelai demanded.
"Oh, you'll be back tomorrow," he said confidently.
However, Luke found his confidence severely shaken the next day as the hours ticked by and no Lorelai. He began to wonder if Sookie had given up on her coffee machinations when the bell above the door rang. Glancing up, he saw her pause, take in the nearly empty diner, and then sit down at one of the tables without looking his way.
Pouring a cup of coffee, he quickly took it over to her and pulled out his order pad. "What'll it be?" he asked.
She was quiet for a few seconds, then she pursed her lips as though trying to decide whether to let him win this round. Finally, she just gave in and said, "Burger and fries."
He wrote it down even though he did not need to and walked back to the kitchen. When he brought her food out a little while later, he found her staring out the window, right at the spot on the corner where they had argued that night. "Here you go," he said, putting the plate down in front of her.
"Thank you," she told him, her voice just above a whisper. Whether she meant for the burger, the coffee, the movies, the flowers, or the attention, he was not sure and did not care. He counted his blessings that she was sitting there at all.
"Can I get you anything else?" he asked.
"Not tonight," Lorelai said, looking back outside to that same spot on the street. "But maybe tomorrow."
The next day Luke called April at home, glad that it was Saturday and she had no school. (Voluntary year-round school was a concept he would never understand, but he knew she liked the schedule.) They had planned an outing for the following day, and he wanted to see if she would have any objection to his inviting Lorelai.
"Sure, bring her along," April said nonchalantly. "I haven't seen her around lately. I guess I figured you two were having problems."
"We are," he admitted hesitantly, not wanting to get too far into the details. "And she probably won't come, but I wanted to check with you before I asked her."
"I don't mind if Lorelai hangs out with us," she told him earnestly. "I really like her. She's pretty cool."
"Yeah, she is," Luke agreed.
An hour later, Lorelai came into the diner and took a seat at the counter. She mumbled something about Sookie throwing her out of the inn for the weekend because she had been working too hard, closely followed by what sounded like a demand for coffee. The moment was so familiar and resonant that it took them both by surprise.
"She's probably just concerned," he said thoughtfully.
"She's also been refusing me coffee by pretending the coffee machine is broken."
Luke offered, "Maybe it is broken."
"It's the third new coffee machine I've bought in the last week," Lorelai said. "If I didn't know better, I'd say she's in cahoots with you."
He flashed her an innocent "who, me?" look before holding up his hands in defense. "The only one on my payroll is Kirk, and that's only because he has the only messenger service in town." She smiled at the comment before returning her attention to her coffee. "So," he pushed on, "if you're banned from the inn until Monday, what are you doing tomorrow?"
She blinked at him warily before glancing down at the counter. He could tell from her stance that she was going to refuse him again.
"I'm taking April to a museum in Hartford. It used to be the science museum but now they're calling it the Children's Museum. She's been there before, and she's says its kind of stupid and childish, but they have some kind of astronomy exhibit she wants to see..." He took a deep breath before adding, "You should come with us. Sounds like there's going to be lots of mocking, and you're good at that, and I know April would like to hang out with you..."
Lorelai gave a small laugh at the mocking comment, and smiled at the mention of spending time with his daughter. It was so surreal to be standing there with her, in the diner where they had spent so much time together, where they had first met, surrounded by memories and the smell of coffee and the invisible ruins of their relationship.
"Please, Lorelai. Come to the museum with me and April tomorrow. I'll even buy you lunch."
He let the invitation hang in the air between them, an unassuming offer representing so much more. He had just given her the one thing she had wanted for so long before they broke up: a door into that other side of his life. But just as quickly, she looked sad again, as though the door she had been waiting to find for so long was locked.
"I don't think April's mom would like that very much."
Luke was confused by the response. "Anna? Why would she have a problem with it?"
"She doesn't want me around April until... well, she didn't want me hanging around April if I was just going to be a temporary presence in her life. She didn't want her to get too attached to me and then have me disappear, I guess."
"That's crazy," he said. "She said that to you?"
"After April's party, when you told me how upset she was, I went over to her shop to talk to her. I told her we were engaged, but she said engaged doesn't mean anything. The only way we would be stable is if we were married."
Luke sighed in regret. The pieces were beginning to come together to form a coherent picture. Everything Rory had told him, plus what Lorelai had just said and what he already knew. He was starting to understand what had happened that night, why she had been so hysterical and insistent that they elope right then. She had been pushed to her limit, to her breaking point, whether by him or the situation, it no longer mattered. He remembered how upset she looked that night, how frantic and desperate she had acted. As if everything was crashing down around her and the world was coming to an end.
And he had let her walk away.
Not this time.
"Well forget Anna," he said dismissively. "April's my daughter too, and I have a right to let her be around the people who are important to me. Besides, she has no problem spending time with you. She said she really likes you, actually."
Lorelai smiled slightly, the gesture genuine and unforced, and Luke took it as encouragement. "Okay," she agreed quietly.
"Okay?" he repeated. "So you'll come with us?"
She nodded a little and reaffirmed, "I'll go."
She still seemed uncertain, as though she were forcing herself to confront some deep-seated fear that she suspected would once again bring her pain. But she had agreed to go, to spend time with him and his daughter. It was a small step but one in the right direction.
"So, I guess I'll see you tomorrow. About eleven o'clock," he said, and she nodded again.
"Tomorrow at eleven."
Lorelai looked nervous when she met Luke at the diner the next morning. Handing her a to-go cup of coffee, he found himself unconsciously touching the small of her back as they walked out to his truck parked behind the diner. She stiffened momentarily at the contact, but did not pull away.
Luke had purposely waited to take her with him to Woodbury to pick up April, having confronted Anna about the "no contact until marriage" objection she had given Lorelai the night before. Their conversation on the subject had been neither brief nor civil, but ultimately Luke had convinced her through a great deal of angry ranting and a few veiled legal threats that access to his daughter was not going to be completely contingent on her approval.
When they picked April up, Lorelai stayed in the car, but Anna gave her a polite wave from the doorway. It was a small gesture, but he was grateful for it. Theirs was not the easiest situation, but everyone had handled things badly from the start. But perhaps with a little time and patience, his relationship with Lorelai was not the only thing that could be repaired.
April was excited to see the woman who made her birthday such a success. If she noticed the underlying tension between them, she made no mention of it. And by the time they had made their way through the museum, all three of them had relaxed into a comfortable routine of Lorelai and April exchanging "girly" conversation while Luke threw in a few witty remarks. April talked about school and Lorelai talked about Rory. They both acknowledged that Luke's was their favorite food, next to movie theater candy. That topic segued them into movies and while April's taste in film was a little more sophisticated and a little less extensive than Lorelai's, they were able to bond over a shared fondness for Molly Ringwald.
"I first saw The Breakfast Club on television last year," April said. "I can't believe how young Emilio Estevez looked!"
"Oh, did you ever see that commercial with Charlie Sheen waiting in line at the movie store? The one where he's waiting for so long, eventually the guy comes back to the counter and Martin Sheen is standing there. That was pretty funny," Lorelai said.
"Martin Sheen? Isn't he on some big show now?" Luke asked, not really able to contribute to the conversation but wanting to make his presence somewhat known. As much as he loved that the two of them were bonding, he had begun to wonder if his fears that April would like Lorelai more than him were actually well-grounded.
"The West Wing," April said. "But it just went off the air."
"Yeah, that's the bad thing about summer," Lorelai admitted. "All your favorite shows are gone until September."
"That's okay," the girl answered. "There's plenty of other stuff to do during the summer. Like next week, Luke's going to teach me how to fish."
"Really?" She looked at him in amusement before saying, "He taught me to fish once."
"I showed you how to cast a reel. I did not teach you how to fish," he contradicted. But she still gave him a smile at the shared memory.
April put in, "You should come with us."
Alarm immediately flashed across Lorelai's face. "Oh no, I couldn't," she said. "I don't want to butt into time with your dad."
"I don't mind. We hang out all the time anyway," she shrugged, then glanced at her father. "Do you care if Lorelai comes fishing with us?"
As Luke answered, he looked at the woman in front of him instead of his daughter. "Not at all. Actually, I think it's a great idea."
"I don't know. I have a lot going on with the inn..." she said, still hesitant. While their day had gone well so far, she was afraid of going too fast, of letting herself get caught up again in something that was going to end up leaving her feeling hurt and alone. And she genuinely wanted Luke to have time to bond with his daughter, away from their talk of movies and junk food. If they wanted to work things out between them, they had to establish some sort of middle ground with their relationship with April and hers with them.
"Please come with us," Luke said, catching her attention with the sincerity in his voice.
"I'll think about it," she allowed.
The rest of the afternoon passed pleasantly. They stopped for lunch before dropping April off at her mother's house, allowing her to observe the phenomenon of two completely contradictory eating habits. She also saw how carefully they acted with each other, sort of thoughtful and overly cognizant, as though they were doing their best not to offend or upset the other in any way. But despite the awkwardness, the day ended well, and April was left with the impression that whatever problems her dad and his girlfriend were going through, they would be able to work them out eventually.
While Lorelai chose not go fishing with Luke and April the next weekend, she did agree to go to dinner with Luke later in the week. While he would have liked to have taken her to Sniffy's for old time's sake, he was afraid it was too much pressure. So they went to a little Italian place in Hartford with good food and nice atmosphere. They kept it light and casual, not really talking about the things they both knew they needed to discuss. Luke sensed that she needed more time to feel comfortable, to be reassured that despite everything, he was still "all in." So he gave it to her, in part because he did not want to push her, and in part because he had no idea how to convince her to trust him again with her heart.
Towards the end of dinner they were talking about Paul Anka's latest realized fears (yellow fire hydrants in the city and Logan's pool table) when her cell phone rang. At first she simply turned off the sound as though she was not going to answer it, but Luke told her to go ahead as he had to use the facilities anyway. As he left the table to head to the back of the restaurant, he heard her open the phone and say wearily, "Hello?" He could tell from her tone of voice that the caller was not Rory.
Using a level of self-restraint he did not know he possessed, he spent extra time in the restroom washing and thoroughly drying his hands. But when one of the other patrons gave him a funny look, he realized he had to return to his table or risk looking like some sort of perverted loiterer.
As he walked back, he noticed that Lorelai was still on her cell phone. He paused, wanting to give her some privacy, but he inadvertently overheard her as she said, "No, its just dinner. Everything's fine, I promise... Yeah, I'll call you later."
"Everything okay?" he asked as he took his seat across from her.
"Yeah, it's fine," she said quickly. "I just... tend to have people checking on me a lot lately."
"People?" Luke queried, then immediately regretted it.
Lorelai looked as though she had been challenged, and answered stoically, "Yeah. Rory especially. She calls me every day. And my parents sometimes. They've been worried about me, as strange as that is to consider. And Christopher."
She said it so matter-of-factly, he wanted to be angry. It still hurt that she had slept with Christopher, even if she swore it was only the one time. The fact that she had gone to him at all stung unbearably. But the knowledge that she had been driven to that decision was even worse.
"So, they've been worried about you," he said, repeating her words in that way people do to politely knock on the door to the subject the other person purposely left in the open.
"Yeah, well, ever since... that night, I haven't really been myself," Lorelai admitted.
Luke just nodded, not sure how to respond. He certainly had not felt like himself, and yet, he had a feeling there was a lot to her circumstances that she was leaving unsaid.
"Actually, when I sent all that stuff back to you, I was staying in Hartford with my parents. The messenger thing was her idea."
"Yeah, it didn't really seem like you," he offered.
She grimaced at the memory, of how cold it must have seemed to him. "Sorry about that. I don't really remember too much about that first week. It was kind of a bad time for me."
"Me too," Luke said, and she nodded in acknowledgment.
When he said nothing further, she continued, "Actually, they – my parents and Rory – they wanted me to talk to a shrink. I didn't want to at first, but after a while I gave in. And I guess it helped." Taking a deep breath, she folded her hands on the table and looked him in the eye before saying, "Luke, I wanted to tell you I'm sorry. For the way I was that night, for pushing you. For giving you that ultimatum and... ending things the way I did. That wasn't fair of me."
"I think we both have a lot of regrets about that night," Luke said as diplomatically as he could.
"Yeah, well... I should have let you know how I was feeling before then. Just springing it on you like that wasn't my smartest decision ever. But I guess part of me just felt like it was my last chance. If I didn't act right then, I would never be able to get what I wanted."
"Lorelai..."
"Sorry, I'm talking too much. I just... that's what I wanted to say. That I'm sorry for that, and for Christopher and... well, everything I guess."
Luke said quietly, "I still don't understand why you couldn't tell me how you were feeling before."
"Me either. I suppose I was trying to give you what you wanted – time and space to deal with the whole thing with April on your own. But the more I gave you, the more you seemed to want it, and after a while it just seemed like we were going backwards instead of forwards."
He frowned at the description of his behavior, but in the same instant, he knew her rendition was accurate. He had pulled away from her, had given her room to doubt his feelings. The only question anymore was how to fix it.
"So how do we go forwards?" he asked earnestly.
Lorelai let out a little sardonic laugh. "I don't know," she admitted. "I guess we start by being open with each other, like this."
"Open," he said. "Okay. Then can I ask you a question?" She nodded her assent. "Who were you on the phone with earlier?"
She paused before answering, taking a breath as though to steady herself. "Christopher called me. I told you, everyone's been been worried about me, including him."
"So you're still seeing him," Luke pursued.
Her eyes narrowed at the implication. "No, I'm not seeing him. We go out to dinner once in a while. He's being a friend, that's all."
Hearing her defend Rory's father, the man that always turned Luke's blood to ice, made the hair on his arms stand up and the back of his neck prickle unpleasantly.
"Well, since we're being open, I just thought I'd mention how its kind of... difficult for me to believe that since you've already told me you two slept together. And he still calls you..."
"Hey, you're the one who started this back up again," she said sharply. "You came to me. And I've told you the truth. Yes, I slept with him. I went to him after our fight, just like I always do when I can't handle something. It was a terrible thing to do, and I regret it. I really do. But you need to understand something. I don't love Christopher. Well, as a friend, maybe. But I'm not in love with him. I never have been and I never will be. And if you can't trust me on something as basic as that, this is never going to work."
Luke swallowed dryly, a little overwhelmed by her frankness. "It still hurts, knowing you went to him like that," he told her. "And I'm afraid it'll keep happening, that you're never going to break out of this cycle."
"I guess that's a risk you'll either have to take or not," Lorelai said softly. "Everyone thinks I'm crazy for giving you another chance, after everything that's happened – my parents, Christopher, even Rory. But I'm here anyway. Because I can't bear the thought of not having you in my life. And frankly, that scares me a little, that you have that kind of power over me.
She took another breath before continuing, "I mean, ever since I've known you, you've been the person I've come to when things just get too hard. Like when I borrowed that money for the inn or when my dad was in the hospital. And when you weren't there, when you were so distracted with April and it seemed like you didn't want me around, I just didn't know what to do. It felt like a piece of me was missing, and I hated that feeling."
"Yeah," Luke said. "That's kind of how I've felt since you walked away that night. You know, I didn't mean to make you feel that way. I would never purposely hurt you," he said.
"I know."
"And you have to tell me if I'm doing it without realizing it."
She nodded. "I will. I think I was spoiled. You've always known me so well, been able to tell when there's something going on with me. And it scared me when we lost that."
"Well, communication's never been our strongest quality," Luke pointed out.
"Yeah, ironic considering how much I talk."
"And we didn't lose it. We just... misplaced it for a while. Maybe finding it again can be something we work on?" The question was full of meaning, a request for her trust and commitment. An acknowledgment of the past, but also a statement of hope for the future.
"Yeah, I think it can," she said, sounding more hopeful than she had in a very long time.
Over the weeks that followed, they took things slowly, going back to the days of casual, fun dates and comfortable conversation. Sometimes Lorelai spent time with Luke and April, and sometimes she simply let them have time by themselves. But Luke always made it a point to ask her, to make her feel welcome in the burgeoning relationship with his daughter. Lorelai, for her part, stopped spending time with Christopher. As much as she hated to admit it, there was an unhealthy pattern there, one she knew she had to break if she wanted a future with Luke.
It took a lot of time, and more than a few more soul-bearing conversations, but eventually they started to feel as though things were getting back to normal between them. The first time they made love again felt very much like the first time – nervous and exciting. But it was also achingly tender and familiar, the way making love was supposed to be. No one could replace Luke, not in her bed or in her heart. It was a fundamental reality she had come to terms with. And thankfully, it was something she would be able to live with.
Two more more months passed before Luke moved back in with her, bringing his two boxes of stuff and his boat with him.
"You know," she said thoughtfully as they stood in the front yard looking at the trailer sticking out a couple of feet from the garage, "We need a bigger garage."
"No we don't," Luke said, although he knew if she asked him, he'd build her a bigger garage without a second thought. He slipped his arm around her and she did the same.
"What about a bigger house?" she suggested, thinking of April and Rory. While she knew neither would ever live with them on a permanent basis, she liked the idea of each having their own space for when they came to visit.
"That could probably be arranged," he replied carefully, thinking more along the lines of his reasons for wanting to buying the Twickham house.
They stood together quietly for several minutes, just looking at the house and the yard until both of their gazes fell upon the chuppah standing unassumingly at the edge of the driveway.
"You know I love you, right?" Luke said, breaking the silence.
"I love you too," Lorelai replied, sighing contently against his shoulder.
Using the hand that was not wrapped around her waist, Luke fished into his shirt pocket and pulled something out. He held it out in front of her as though considering it, and she realized with a start that it was her engagement ring. She had not seen it since she had returned it to him months before.
"Yeah, so... I thought maybe you could hold onto this for a while," he said casually. "You don't have to wear it if you don't want to, but... if you ever do, you can let me know. And, day or night, rain or shine, I'll be there."
She carefully took it from his outstretched fingers, looking at it appraisingly, as though she had not already spent hours mesmerized by by what it represented. And just as surely as she knew she wanted to marry Luke, she knew they were not yet ready. They still had so many things to figure out, so many issues to confront and problems to solve. She did not want to rush into another engagement only to see things crumble before her eyes.
So Lorelai just said, "I will," and wrapped her fingers around the ring. She brought her hand to her chest and held it to her heart. Luke had managed to give them both back to her – the ring and her heart.