The Hater of the Aroma of Stale Coffee
Rating: K+, unless you seriously loathe Spongebob Squarepants. If you do hate Spongebob just avert your eyes until the end.
Author's notes: I wrote this, kind of half remembering what my SS giftee on VAMB wanted. This should get rid of the summer blues that the rain brought out. If not, the other one might (Tale of The Lobster Girl). Anyways, silliness abound. Half the stuff isn't mine (like, J/C? Not mine, I'm just playing in the garden. Spongebob, again not mine. Just mucking around after my brother got me addicted... Evil brother.) but the stuff that seems a bit more confusing than the other stuff? Yeah, pure me. Oh! Uh, I'm not trying to insult people in this fic, but if I did, oops sorry! So, pull up a chair and continue on with the fic.
And, apparently, I'm insane.
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The Hater of the Aroma of Stale Coffee
As we all know, coffee smells weird when left for a time in a cup that's been forgotten next to a heater. Some people are used to it, others ignore it, but some just plain don't like it.
Chakotay was the latter. Having grown up on tea, fruit smoothies and Dr Pepper, stale coffee was not something his nose liked. Indeed, he hated the smell so much that he avoided stale coffee like the plague. If offered a cup, he'd drink it all, even the dregs, regardless of the grounds there, just to make sure there was no ever lasting stale coffee smell. So, that fact established, let's press on.
Now, there are two types of coffee drinkers. The former drink it all - dregs gone, not a drip left anywhere near the bottom of the mug. The latter would leave a mouthful, and, over time, it would be forgotten (until an unsuspecting dishwasher spilt the mouthful into the new basin of clean, grease-free water). Shockingly, Kathryn Janeway was this latter type of drinker, and, so used to the smell of stale coffee, could no longer sense the evil stench.
Somehow, you could guess that their relationship would die before it even lived, unless someone changed. Unfortunately, both Kathryn and Chakotay were too stubborn to change... Unless I, Miss Fic Writer and Resident Insane Person, changed things.
Which I most obviously will.
Kathryn, that fateful day in May (because it rhymes see?) had been partaking in her habit whilst working. Cups were dotted around her quarters, some being used as PADD shelves, hidden beneath her annoying Starfleet work. You'd think she'd use the same cup. But no, she was a "clean cup for the coffee" type of drinker (like Guinness drinkers - they're fussy, like Kathryn).
So, got that image clear in your head? There are cups everywhere, with a mouthful at the bottom that really annoys the cup cleaners.
A few hours later, after a Borg attack that lasted all of two seconds, Kathryn invited Chakotay to help her with the reports (what? We all write that they do reports together! And, obviously, she's human; efficiency is something like fifth on her list of priorities in life). Without even walking to her quarters he could smell the stale coffee.
"Uh... Another time Kathryn. I need to... wax, yeah, wax my... uh... eyeballs... Yeah, that'll do," he muttered to himself.
"What?"
"Did I say wax my eyeballs? I meant, whoa! I'm going to Barbados!"
Suddenly, as if on cue, a huge conga line passed, singing, 'Whoa! We're going to Barbados! Whoa! Back to the holodeck!" Chakotay, shocked by the sudden appearance of so many people in one corridor, hid behind Kathryn, until they left.
"Barbados eh?"
Coughing, mostly to hide his grimace, he shook his head. "I need to... watch... Naomi's... Spongebob Squarepants files..."
"I didn't know you were a fan Chakotay."
Smiling broadly and brightly, Chakotay burst into song. "OOOOOOOOOOOH! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?"
Naomi, from nowhere almost (the corner to the right of the mess hall to be exact), replied, "Spongebob Squarepants!"
Dancing, he continued, "Absorbent and yellow and porous is he!"
"Spongebob Squarepants!"
"If nautical nonsense be something you wish!"
"Spongebob Squarepants!"
"Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!"
"Spongebob Squarepants!"
"Ready?"
Together, they bounced, "Spongebob Squarepants! Spongebob Squarepants! Spongebob Squarepants! Sponge-Boooooooooooooob Squaaaaare-Paaaaaaaaants!" Then, because I willed it, Spongebob popped up and whistled his part, before returning to the ether.
Kathryn, hating Spongebob Squarepants, ran very quickly away from them. Spongebob Squarepants squicked her.
The next day, she asked again for company. Having used the Spongebob song, Chakotay was flailing again (I'm prodding them as hard as I can but they're stubborn so and sos!). "Uh... I'm... learning how to... operate on... cats with STDs." She moved slowly away. Ailurophobia was not something to be taken lightly - she was really really scared of cats.
"Tonight?"
"Camel spotting."
"Tomorrow night?"
"Learning German."
"The night after that?"
"Uh..." Prodded, he spoke the truth, as much as it pained his nose. "Free... I think... Damn..."
"Chakotay, what the hell is wrong with you? You used to love coming over to my quarters for hours on end!" It seemed that Kathryn Janeway's patience had had enough! (Which made my job, like, a million times easier!)
"Your quarters smell weird! Like... donkeys and goats have been playing there!"
Kathryn was confused, and told him so.
"Your quarters smell weird. The coffee you drink then leave makes it smell like a twentieth century urinal!" Chakotay pouted, and Kathryn stroked his cheek (making every J/Cer squeal with glee).
"If I get rid of the coffee will you come over?"
Sniffing slightly, he nodded. She smiled happily, "See you later Chakotay!"
Walking away with her bounce back, both she and Chakotay had forgotten that it was season finale time of the year, and this time she'd be Borgified and given a killer backache - something she wasn't looking forward to (she read the script, before you ask). Oh well, at least they sorted out their coffee predicament.
Kind of.
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Yes, you can kill me now. :) Or just leave me a review explaining how you wish to burn my fic... Or use it as something to cheer you up after a hard day at work/school/in the insane asylum.