A/N: What can I say? It's just an experiment, something I had in mind and I had to put down. I don't know if I'm going to continue it or not, let's see what you guys think. I want to say thanks for the lovely reviews you left for my previous fic. They made my day :-)
Ersy (my amazing, patient and very competent beta-reader), già sai, non ti dico più niente. Solo un altro ti voglio bene.
-o-
She didn't even know how it had happened the first time.
Or the second, or all the others for what that mattered.
She wasn't even sure she wanted to know, after all.
It was just the way it was.
And it was good. Most of the time.
Intense, powerful, almost primordial.
Sometimes overwhelming, but still great nevertheless.
Jane wished she knew how to quit it, though.
But she didn't.
And neither did Maura.
And when it was all dark and her head felt empty and her heart felt numb, Jane wondered what had happened to that crazy, control freak woman who had to know everything and do everything with a purpose.
She had lost her and yet there she was.
In her bed.
Naked.
Breathing heavy, trying to catch as much air as she could.
Till she was breathing normally again and then she was slipping away from damp sheets without a word.
Every single time Jane waited for something. Anything.
When they were at work and they barely could stand to be in the same room.
When their eyes met and almost immediately their heads turned in opposite directions.
When they had no choice but speak to each other about the investigation and their voices sounded like they belonged to someone else.
One day they were friends, the day after they were not anymore.
Six days after Maura was standing on Jane's doorstep, hair wild from the wind outside, mascara and tears all over her face, and a strange look in her eyes.
"He's dead." she said shaking.
"I...I'm sorry." Jane's voice cracked.
"Don't. Just...don't say anything, not even a word."
And Jane did just as she was told while Maura pushed her towards the bedroom, her knees hit the mattress and her world changed forever.
It's not that she hadn't asked herself the reason why she didn't stop her friend.
She did, later that night, when she was trying to make her bottom lip stop bleeding.
The thing was that she didn't have an answer.
But, you know, you can only walk on the edge of a cliff for so long before you realize that you have two options.
You either fall or you build a fence.
And she picked one. She fell.
Completely and hopelessly.
Because that was just who she was.
A desperate woman with a void in her chest that only one person in the world was able to fill.
So she let Maura fill it in anyway she was willing to.
No more guilt. No more regrets.
She had lived in denial for too long, already.
It had been a time when she had chosen not to be the degenerate daughter, the depraved catholic, the lesbian detective with a butch attitude, because she wasn't ready to handle the consequences.
It was too much even to only think about that. Or admitting it. Or, worse, accepting it.
So she hid that part of her, the best part, in a secret place of her being, like it didn't exist at all.
And she believed she could forget about it. She almost did. Almost.
Then Maura came.
Resisting hadn't been so hard at first.
But the more they had become closer the more Jane had started to feel the need to run away.
She knew that Maura knew.
And it scared the shit out of her.
But she also knew that Maura respected her too much to make a move, because Jane would have taken it like a violation.
In a paradoxical way, love was the thing that was keeping them apart.
They loved each other so much that the mere possibility of hurting one another was preventing them from acting on their feelings.
It wasn't like that anymore.
Now they had the perfect excuse. Hate. Hate was so much safer then love.
Jane still didn't know how it had happened the first time.
But now she knew why it was still happening.
She was having a sort of epiphany in that exact moment, watching Maura on her knees with her head buried between her legs.
It was hard to continue breathing and to keep her eyes open at the same time, while holding on the sheets for dear life, but she needed to see her in the faint light of the lamp.
It was for the illusion of possession, of being in control, Jane thought.
The ephemeral conviction that she had Maura at her mercy.
But still she was the one at Maura's mercy.
She could do whatever she wanted of her.
Everything that Maura gave, Jane took. And then she gave exactly the same back and Maura took every drop of it.
They were equals. They were even.
Jane had wished for something like that her whole life and she wasn't ready to give it up just yet, no matter how sick it seemed.
"I'm going to..." she said, her breath ragged, her hands now intertwined in honey blonde locks.
Maura increased the pace of her fingers, a smirk on her face Jane wasn't able to see.
When she came she was very careful not to mention the other woman's name.
It was one of Maura's rules.
She had learned that lesson not long ago.
Jane fell on the mattress with a small thud.
Long limbs spread in every direction, her chest restless for the effort and the pleasure.
"Come here..." she managed to say between heavy breaths.
Maura wiped her mouth with the back of her hand as stood up.
"I have to go."
"I'm not finished with you."
"But I am."
A smug smile on the doctor's face.
Jane rose unexpectedly from the bed and took Maura by her wrist.
She was underneath the detective in no time, breasts against breasts, legs tangled and mouths only a few inches apart.
Jane tried to kiss her, but Maura shifted her head and bit the detective's shoulder instead.
"Not fair!" she hissed between her teeth and then grabbed the doctor by her hair until they were face to face.
"You're gonna leave marks where people can see. Again."
"You know the word. Say it and I'll stop." Maura challenged her.
Jane tightened up her grip on the blonde's locks and watched her wincing out of pain.
"Fuck you." she said instead.
"Fuck me." Maura breathed through the other woman's parted lips.
Jane did just that for the second time that night.