DISCLAIMER: THIS ANIME AND ALL ITS CHARACTERS ARE NOT MINE.
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A/N: Speaker here is Gaara-kun. Yes, I'm in love with Gaara. Kekeke…
Theme: Oi, oi, seishun desu ka???? [Geh, this is a Gintama OST]
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ALWAYS
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"Love is patient; love is kind and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love. "
-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-13
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It was late afternoon. I was busy browsing and studying the papers piled on my table when I heard a knock. "Come in," I said without looking up. I heard the door open. My attention drifted away from the thing I was reading upon hearing familiar footsteps coming towards me. "Kankuro," I said looking up. "What do you want?" I was a little bit surprised when he leaned forward and stared at me like…I don't understand. What's with him?
"I just wanted to see my little brother, that's all," he said.
I wanted to flinch but couldn't. Well, he isn't dangerous anyway. Just a little bit weird today. I tried to smile. "You can sit over there," I said, my hand motioning him to sit on a nearby chair, "and see me all you want."
He grinned. Was that really a grin? I couldn't tell for his usual face paint made him look like grinning all the time. He obeyed but sighed. "Can I help?"
"I think…you can…arrange those files over there for me." He nodded. "If you want to," I added.
His teeth showed up. Now he's really grinning. "Thanks."
What was that for? "I thank you, too," I replied.
I don't know which word describes it best. Shocked? Surprised? Astonished? Amazed? I really don't know. I don't know why he wanted to see me all of a sudden. We're full-blooded brothers but we're not really that close. Well, I've never been close to anybody before. No. I did. And it ended up a tragedy [1]. I grew up not wanting to be tied by useless bonds which would contribute nothing to me but pain and suffering. I suppressed my inner desire to be with others. When everything turned right, I cannot comprehend what means to be normal. Not anymore. But Kankuro. His sudden display of affection made me feel better.
"Kankuro," I said.
"Hm?"
"Why do you want to see me?" I asked it, didn't I? I did. I really did.
"His eyebrows went up his forehead as he shrugged my question off. "W-Well, is it wrong to want to see my little brother?" he asked back.
I shook my head. He nodded. He did not bother explain it to me. Nor did I ever bug him again. I began to read page after page, scroll after scroll. Signed papers, sealed some. Then it grew a little bit boring. I looked up and tried to see how he was doing. He was also looking at me. He did not blush or look down in embarrassment or something. He smiled.
"What?" I asked.
He smiled all the more. "You're such a baby."
For the first time in my life, I smiled back at him. "What does that mean?"
He shrugged and looked back at the files in his hands. "Well, you didn't change much. You still look like you were when you were a baby." He began to pile the folders on top of each other. "You've grown up so fast and strong but you're still look like a baby to me. Hey, it's not just me, you know. You really look like one. If you'll just look at your baby pictures, you'll find out." He paused for a while. "A pity those baby pictures were gone." He sighed. I wonder why he did.
I did not reply. And he was silent for a while.
"Hey," he said all of a sudden. "Will you sleep with me tonight?"
That made me flinch. "I beg your pardon?"
"H-Hey, it's not like that! Aww! I mean, we're just going to sleep. You know, like a sleepover," he said.
Sleepover. I liked that idea.
"Oh, come on! Do you think I'm going to do something indecent like that?! Baka na! We're brothers, you know. And even if we're not, it's impossible. Besides, you look much like a child. I don't wanna be falsely accused of having pedophilia! H-Hey, why aren't you talking back? Are you mad? Oi, are you gonna blow up my—"
"I will."
"Eh?!"
"I mean, yes."
"You'll what?"
"Sleep in your room tonight."
---o
Cold. It was really cold. Sunagakure nights were usually cold but this one's too much [2]. The fact that I was standing outside his room aggravated the icy feel on my skin. I knocked. He opened the door immediately. "I thought you were just joking," he said.
"Do I look like a joker?" I said.
He scratched his head and laughed. "H-Hey, I did not say anything like that!"
I stared intently at him. I'm not used seeing him without the paint all over his face. But he'd still look nice with or without the paint. No. He looked nicer without the paint. His face's true form was revealed and he looked very much like my father. Except for the fact that his eyes were a lot tamer and kinder.
"You're going to sleep here," he said pointing at the bed, "and I'm gonna sleep there." He pointed at the sofa.
Since when did my big brother become as kind as this? "You said it's a sleepover," I said, "so you're sleeping beside me."
I couldn't help but wonder at that kind of look in his eyes. "H-Hai, Mr. Kazekage, sir!"
---o
Having someone sleeping beside me felt quite new. And good. And so warm. It made me feel even nicer when he began to ask me if I was okay every now and then.
"Do you need a thicker blanket?"
"No."
"Are you sure? You might catch a cold. The weather's kinda bad."
"It's thick enough."
"Hmm—hm. If you say so."
But the night was really cold. He must have felt it too that he asked me. "Is it okay if I hug you?"
"Yes," I replied.
Everything felt even better when I felt his arms around me. I leaned on him and snuggled on hi neck. He doesn't smell bad at all. It felt really good. No wonder people loved hugging and nuzzling. I drew him closer. He patted my head. "It's okay. It's okay."
Why, I never thought my brother would be this affectionate. Things might have been better if we grew up together when we were small. I heard him sigh.
"Kankuro?" He did not answer. He wasn't asleep I know but he did not care to answer me. What's the matter? I pulled myself away and sat up. "Ani-sama?"
"W-What?" He was…
"Why are you…crying?" I asked.
"W-What! B-Baka na!" He said wiping the tears away. "I was just-I got-"
"Ani-sama."
"T-There's nothing in there, you see?" He laughed nervously. "I-"
"Why?"
He bit his lip and stared at me for a while. Then he sighed. "When I was four [3]," he said, "I was so happy when mother said she was expecting a baby boy. I have always wanted to have a little brother, you know." He tried to hold back the tears but couldn't. "But when you were born, I was not even allowed to hold you."
I felt something inside my chest skip a beat.
He smiled dreamily and hugged a pillow. "You were such a cute thing back then. Like a baby raccoon. I even wondered if you had a tail or something." He laughed a little. "I thought I could carry you around the neighborhood and boast to them that I have a baby brother but I…I wasn't allowed to stay with you." He wiped his face but more tears came falling from his eyes.
I swallowed hard. I can't stand to see him crying like that. I wanted to comfort him but how? All I can do was to listen.
"I knew that mother died giving birth to you but I couldn't help but feel happy that you were there. Then father took you and put you somewhere else. Some place off-limits to me and Temari. Well, what can a four-year old do?" He smiled. "I just…went with the flow. I can't do anything, can I?"
It was the first time he spoke to me like that. I never gave him a chance but this. I have treated him so badly before. Kankuro…
"When you were brought to live with us, I was happy. I really missed your fluffy head. Your hair looked like a tiny ball of red fur. I was so excited to fluff it. But when you came, I began to train." He sighed. "Then you were given all the attention. I got mad. I was the big brother. I ought to be the special one. I decided not to want to fluff your hair anymore." He shook his head. "I was a little surprised when father ordered his men to assassinate you. I mean, you were just a child. But I… I was also a child at that time. I couldn't do anything about it."
He was…he was…I can't understand. My chest was hurting so badly I don't know if I would hold it or not.
"Actually, I was happy about father's plans of killing you." He shook his head. "It's just that I wanted him to look at me too. It's you. It's always you. I got jealous. I wanted you out as much as I wanted you to be with me and Temari before. I tried to scare you out but you were defiant." He smiled. "I backfired. It was you who scared the hell out of me. I couldn't imagine how that cute little thing I wanted to hug so much became the monstrous kid I had to face day after day."
I thought my eyes had gone dry since the day my uncle Yashamaru died. But the tears trying to form on my eyes… What are you trying to imply? What do you want to tell me? That you hate me like the others did? That you regretted the day I was born to become your brother? Are you going to tell me to die like Yashamaru did? Kankuro?
"I had…" His voice began to shake. "I-I had no idea of the pain and suffering you have gone through." He bit his lip. "I'm a big idiot, ne? I'm such a mean brother. So insensitive and cruel. I-"
"You're not..." I said. I though he would…
"Yes, I am! I'm such a useless cocky jerk! I couldn't do anything to stop father from raising you like a weapon. I couldn't comfort you the day Yashamaru tore your heart apart. I-I couldn't get that damn Shukaku out of you. You never told me you're scared but I knew you were. And I couldn't do anything! I couldn't do anything that night when you were snatched before my very eyes! I'm supposed to be your big brother but I can't do anything! I…I'm such…"
I was trembling. I knew I was. Trembling from suppressing the tears trying to get out of my eyes. I guess I shouldn't prevent these fellows from falling down. I sighed and let them fall. I took his hands and squeezed them gently. "I'm sorry."
"Why are you saying sorry? I should be the one to say so!" He calmed down. "I'm sorry. I-I…Big brother is just so…He's just feeling bad for being to mean to Gaara."
I'm not ashamed of the tears anymore. Well, why should I? We're alone. Besides, he's my brother. "Big brother and big sister the nicest persons I know. But I used to hurt them a lot."
"What—Baka na! You never hurt me."
"Don't get so cocky. Do you think I consider us as siblings? Try to get in my way or I'll kill you."
"Big brother assisted me all the time but I can't even say 'thank you'. He always tried to help me but I always drove him away. Big brother was just being protective but I cannot understand. Big brother wanted me to be friends with him but I always insult him. He wanted me to be happy but I always hurt him. I hope he will forgive me."
He looked surprised but he managed to squeeze my hand back. "Little brother will always be forgiven. Why, it's not entirely his fault. He's just a baby."
I can't take it any longer. I buried my face in his chest and cried. All those years of hiding my true self, all those years of isolation were over. He opened it up for me. How I thank heavens for giving me a brother like him.
"It's okay. It's okay."
It felt like heaven when I felt his fingers dry the tears in my eyes. He planted a kiss on my forehead and hugged me so tight. I have learned never to show any signs of helplessness before. It is a sin to care too much in this violent world of ours. But we're alone and nobody can dictate us what to do in private.
"I'm sorry I made you cry," he said.
No, he shouldn't be. He helped me to let go of all the pain accumulated inside me for years. I cried all the more.
"Gomen, gomen. Little brother needs to be sung a lullaby but big brother can't sing any."
The night grew colder. Nocturnal sounds dwindled down. I was still crying when he laid me down. "Are you alright? You've got wake up early, you know," he said. "Geh. It's all my fault-"
"I'm alright," I said immediately.
"Hm, you've got to sleep now. Good night."
When Uncle Yashamaru betrayed me and died, I thought I was alone. That nobody loved me. I was wrong. Someone did. My big brother has always loved me. Always. Always.
When he hugged me tight, I just closed my eyes. "My!" he said. "My baby had grown quite big."
"I'm not a baby."
"Yeah, you are."
The night wasn't that cold after all.
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Notes:
[1] refers to Yashamaru
[2] deserts are hot during mornings and cold during evenings, righhht?
[3] their ages weren't revealed, righhht? so I made Kankuro was older than Gaara by four years
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Is this sentimental? Lol. Naruto loves to break my heart. Please review.