For Your Thoughts

Bemidia

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I don't own anyone that Joss created, unfortunately, because I would kill for a Spike. :) I'm also making no money off these little stories of mine.

Summary: Completely inspired by the Joe Diffie song "A Night to Remember". Xander does some mourning once the group is settled in Cleveland. (Obviously set post-chosen, but with flashbacks.)

A/N: Here there be SLASH! Very little, non-descript slash. I want no complaints as I'm certainly not forcing you to read this.

Xander doesn't like to think about the things he took out of Sunnydale with him, the things hiding in his wallet and his mind.

The morning before the battle he emptied out all the random useless stuff that he'd left in his wallet. The business cards to places that were closed since the exodus from Sunnydale, the worthless pay stubs he'd never gotten around to throwing away. He'd packed up any of the small things that he didn't think he could survive without.

But he didn't touch them while on the bus. Not until they reached Cleveland and set up shop in a little place. He let the others figure out where to go from there, he had some mourning to finally do.

The first things out of the wallet were two pictures, and a small toy gun from a G.I. Joe. That was all he had left of Jesse, besides whatever dust was still settled in his lungs.

The first picture was of him, Jesse, and Willow sitting on the steps of Jesse's house the day after the start of fourth grade. They were so happy, and so innocent, and so unaware. His heart ached so painfully when he looked at that picture he had to put it down.

The second was just of him and Jesse, sitting on a log in front of a campfire. Jesse's dad had taken them camping in celebration of them reaching high school. It'd seemed like a weird reason to be celebrating then, but looking back… It'd made sense.

Everything had made sense suddenly. The knowing look in Jesse's parents eyes when he'd broken down crying and told them that Jesse was dead, that he'd never be coming home again. The way they'd always made sure that both boys where inside the house before dark. The circle of water Mr. McNally had poured around the campsite, saying that it would keep some of the blood sucking bugs out of the site. Xander had rolled his eyes at the time, since there were still mosquitoes everywhere, but Xander figured he was talking about the bloodsuckers that wore human faces.

The third item was so silly and childish, and he couldn't bring himself to throw it away. When they were ten, Jesse had brought his brand new G.I. Joe over to Xander's to play, and he'd warned Xander that they had to keep all of the pieces together because that was the deal Jesse had made with his dad to bring it over. Like typical ten-year-olds they'd gotten rambunctious, and when time came for Jesse to leave they'd searched all over the place, but couldn't find the gun. Jesse's dad had forbidden him from taking any more toys to Xander's house all summer.

Xander had founded it while going through his parents' house after they skipped town. He been sitting in his old empty bedroom, when a speck of black along the white wall had caught his eye. He'd found the gun wedged between the carpet and the baseboard. And as he sat there and remembered he'd started to laugh. He was laughing so hard that he'd begun to cry, and eventually sob. And he'd sat there crying until Spike had showed up.

And the vampire did the most amazing thing. He hadn't asked what was so emotional about a tiny plastic gun, or laugh at the fact that Xander was sobbing hysterically, instead he'd taken the wounded man in his arms and held him until the sobs subsided. When they finally did he just smoothed sweaty hair back from Xander's face, and looked at him tenderly. "Alright, whelp?"

Xander had nodded, and Spike had pushed him gently from the room and into the bathroom.

"Rinse your face off, you'll feel better."

Xander placed the gun down next to the two pictures and pulled two more from his wallet.

The first was the famous picture of Buffy, Willow, and Xander sitting on the porch of Buffy's house, smiling into the afternoon sun, and looking utterly too young to be fighting evil. But they were, even if it wasn't as bad then as it was right now. Their eyes still shone with enthusiasm and childish innocence. Innocence they would never get back.

He remembered how Spike had winced once when he'd seen that picture on Xander's nightstand, and Xander thought that maybe Spike mourned the loss of their innocence more than they did sometimes.

The other picture was one he'd taken himself. Kinda.

It was Joyce and Dawn hugging each other close, and smiling into the camera like there was nothing wrong in the world. Dawn was so young. Supposedly the picture was taken in Xander's senior year, even though he knew Dawn wasn't even Buffy's sister yet. That didn't matter to him though. What mattered more was that these two women had once been more family to him than even his own.

He remembered it like it was yesterday. He'd dropped by the house to spend some time with Dawn after school since Buffy had to run off to investigate some demon or other, and was too busy to check in on her own family. Dawn had almost toppled him over when she'd answered the door, and he'd been invited in for milk and cookies. Joyce was looking beautiful and radiant, and Xander told her so, and she'd blushed. He thought hard, and tried to remember if he had a picture of Joyce that made her look as young as she did just then, and he didn't. Then he remembered the disposable camera in his backpack, and went to get it. When he'd come back into the kitchen Joyce and Dawn were hugging, and giggling like schoolgirls, and the shot had basically taken itself.

On one hand Xander sorrow of losing Joyce was so thick it was tangible, on the other he was glad that she'd finally gotten the rest and peace a woman like her deserved.

He'd placed both pictures with the others, and turned back to his wallet. He pulled out two more pictures.

Cordelia, cut from their senior yearbook, and Faith, in a picture she probably didn't know existed. They were both such strong women, who'd had horrible things happen to them. Faith had survived her trip into PsychoLand and become a stronger better person. She and Xander were close now.

Cordy. Dear, wonderful, bitchy Cordy. She'd grown up and grown wise since she left Sunnydale, and Xander wished he could only remember her that way, but countless trips to LA to visit her in the hospital were crowding in.

He put both pictures down.

He took a deep breath.

The next part was going to be the hardest.

A scrap of paper, a strip of pictures from the photo booth in the mall, and, from the zippered pouch, a diamond ring.

The scrap of paper was probably easiest. He unfolded it gently. He'd discovered it under a stack of old mail in the kitchen, and couldn't remember when it had been written, but it broke his heart just a little bit.

"Xander,

Ran out to the grocery store.

Love you,

Anya"

That was it. Just a note. Just a scrap of what he'd lost when he'd walked away at the wedding, but in the end it was the best thing for both of them. Anya had liked him, admired him, and lusted for him, but she'd never been in love with him. Some part of her that was always going to be a vengeance demon couldn't let herself fall, and he knew that if he married her they'd only end up hurting one another.

He moved onto the strip of pictures. It was the last one that caught his eye. Oh, sure they had sat there and kissed like every other couple on the planet, but that had only lasted for two frames. By the last they were simply sitting there, holding each other. Anya had her head resting on his chest, her eyes closed, and a small smile on her lips. He was smiling down at the top of her head, love shining clearly in his eyes. It was the most intimate moment they'd ever had in their entire relationship.

And that brought him to the diamond he was holding. He kept thinking he should pawn it and pay for his part of this hotel stay, but he couldn't bring himself to part with it yet. Not because he regretted not marrying her, because he knew what that would have brought, but because it symbolized something he would never truly have. A safe home, loving wife, and beautiful children who didn't have to worry about vampires, demons, and slayers. He put down the ring before he got more maudlin.

That left one thing left in his wallet, and he was really not looking forward to taking it out.

Every other thing of sentimental value in the wallet was an old hurt, something he'd already started to deal with.

This… This was a new hurt. This was something he didn't even consider could happen.

He pulled out the coin, and turned it over in his fingers. It seemed like forever ago that he'd gotten it, but had only been a couple weeks. A couple of horrible weeks, but in them a bright spot.

He could still remember the night he got the coin.

He'd been sitting in the abandoned Bronze, sitting at a table where he could see 'The Pillar', simply remembering all the times they'd had there. It was dumb, and retarded, and every other word for stupid in the entire world, but he couldn't help but be nostalgic. He had a funny feeling that he was never going to see this place again.

A pale hand had placed the coin on the table while the equally pale vampire sat in the chair next to him. As Xander looked from the coin to Spike in confusion the vampire grinned. "For your thoughts."

Xander plucked the coin off the table. "Huh. You know, no one's ever actually paid me for them."

"Spill, whelp." Spike raised an eyebrow. "You can't be dumb enough to simply sit in an abandoned building where anyone and anything can walk in and eat you."

"Including you?" Xander smiled at the vampire. "Did I ever thank you? For saving me, and what's left of my vision?"

"It's not necessary, and stop trying to change the subject." Spike narrowed his eyes. "Why are you here, whelp?"

Xander pointed at 'The Pillar'. "You see that pillar?" Spike looked, and nodded, but obviously didn't understand. "I was backed against that pillar when I accidentally staked my first vampire."

Spike's eyes widened. "Nobody told me that happened in here."

Xander nodded. "No one likes to talk about it. No one likes to remind me that I did it because it hurts just a little too much. You see… The vampire.. His name was Jesse. Darla had turned him to lure Buffy into a trap." Spike sucked in a deep breath. "Jesse was my best friend from the age of two until I put a piece of wood through his heart at the age of 15." And the breath that Spike had taken came out in a rush. The vampire looked like he was going to say something but Xander shook his head. "No one mentions Jessie anymore. They stopped shortly after it happened. I guess everyone thought avoiding it would be the best idea." Xander shook his head again. "I couldn't let it go. I'd breathed his dust in when I'd staked him, I swept up and buried the rest of it, and I'd made the trek to his parents' house alone to explain that he was never coming back. But I was never able to say goodbye, not when I have asthma attacks most nights from the dust still in my lungs. But I have to."

"Why?" Spike was staring at the boy like he'd never seen him before.

"Because I think Sunnydale is done, Spike. Even if we survive, this is town is over with. No one's coming back, and we're all leaving. I have to let it go now because I'll never have another chance." Xander shook his head.

"He's why you stayed in this, isn't he?" Spike was beginning to understand something about Xander Harris that everyone else had missed.

"Right to the end." Xander nodded. "I loved him." He met Spike's eyes briefly and blushed. "Romantically. It broke my heart to find out that he was turned. It destroyed part of me to stake him that night."

Spike couldn't help his eyes widening in surprise. "Oh, pet."

"It hurt so bad. Everyone telling me that he was gone, he was evil, that he was no longer Jesse." Xander took a deep breath. "And then Angel showed up. Vampire with a soul. And I hated him more than I hated my father who'd spent most of my childhood smacking me around. I stole Giles' Watcher diaries. Read up on Angel, on you, on Dru, on Darla. I hated him even more, and I resented the hell out of Buffy. I killed the boy I was in love with, evil or not, and she gets to fall in love with a vampire, when it's her duty to destroy them? It was bullshit." He saw Spike wince, and shrugged. "But then you showed up, and surprisingly I didn't hate you right off the bat. You showed the first real emotion I'd ever seen in a vampire. You were honestly betrayed and pissed off when Angel tried to trick you that night, and then you were honestly worried about Dru when she was weak, and then you went against everything vampire family stands for and helped the Slayer to prevent Dru from being staked. I couldn't help but thinking that if you didn't honestly love her then why go through the trouble. If all vampires were unable to feel emotions then why the hell were you claiming to love her, and protecting her?"

"I did honestly love her." Spike was looking at the table. "When the Judge was brought back he told Dru and I that we stank of humanity. Both of us still had pieces of our human souls still attached somewhere inside us. I think Dru's stayed because of what Angelus did to her. I think mine stayed because Dru knew she was going to need someone to care for her when Angelus wouldn't." He sighed. "Then again, we weren't the only vampires like that either. I think that like some human souls are evil, some demon souls aren't. It's that simple.

"Shades of grey. Something Slayers are never going to understand." Xander sighed and stood. "I better get back to the apartment."

Spike nodded, and watched as Xander brushed his fingertips over 'The Pillar'. "Why didn't you tell anyone, whelp? About you liking blokes too?"

"I honestly thought Jesse was going to be the only guy I'd ever love, and it's childish, but I didn't really want another man if I couldn't have him." Xander shook his head sadly. "Things changed, and sometimes I do regret not telling them."

Spike nodded, and then caught something. "What changed?"

Xander just smiled, cast a last glance at 'The Pillar' and then walked out.

Two days later Spike pinned Xander up against the wall of Buffy's basement, and kissed him like the world was ending, and for all they knew it really was.

There were only a couple kisses after that and then some desperate touching the night before they attacked the Hellmouth. There were no words of love or devotion, or even promises for after the fight. Just a simple exchange as Xander laid on the cot with Spike on top of him. "Be as careful as you can."

"You too, luv."

Xander had nodded and held the vampire closer.

As Xander sat on his hotel bed he turned the coin over and over again in his hands as tears began to drip from his face. It was something that was cut too short. Something that time and stress had forced them to finally admit to. And it could have been so much more.

Xander let out a harsh chuckle when he thought that his track record with men was so much worse than his track record with women. He was never falling in love with another man again. He'd lost Jesse and Spike, and he wasn't sure what he would do if he lost someone else.

After long moments he dried his face and began to put everything back in his wallet, the coin going in last after a final caress. He then got up and left to meet up with everyone else. After all, he had two people to continue this fight for now.

He'd been in Africa for six months and found twelve slayers. The Dark Continent seemed to lend itself to the power of the slayers with most tribes believing and even worshipping some demons. He'd picked up the language and began winding his way through Africa, and, by word of mouth, following in Spike's footsteps.

Though the compulsion of the hyena spirit was gone, some part of it seemed to remain in his brain, the part that recognized the plains of Africa as 'home'. He wondered how Spike had felt out here with part of himself bleeding for the act he'd almost committed a world away.

Finally he'd called Giles. He wanted to come back. Not because being in Africa was hard, but because if he didn't, he would stay there and lose himself in the sense memory that remained in his mind.

Upon arrival at headquarters Willow had pulled him aside. Angel was there with part of his crew after a horrible fight in LA. He had Spike with him. Xander forced himself to stand still as she babbled about how Spike had come back and the whole nine yards but the moment she took a breath he forced out, "Where are they?"

"The library." Willow lowered her eyes and bit her lip, and when she looked back Xander was gone, and she hadn't even heard him move.

Xander was at the door of the library in record time, and only hesitated a moment before pushing the door open. Angel and some black guy were arguing quietly, some blue woman was petting a plant in the corner, and Spike, looking just as Xander remembered him. He was halfway across the room before anyone noticed him, and standing in front of Spike before Angel had time to blink. Xander could only stand there for a moment, breathing hard and feeling the dust in his lungs.

Spike reached out and placed a hand on his ribs knowing why the other man was struggling.

It was that touch that broke Xander from the state he was in. "Oh, thank god." He stepped forward, his own body pushing Spike back into the bookshelf, one hand coming up to cushion the vampire's head. He immediately crushed his lips to Spike's, desperation taking over. The vampire immediately reciprocated. He vaguely felt Spike's hands clench on his shirt, and heard the gasps from the three other people in the room and the redhead at the door.

He could picture perfectly the look on Spike's face when he told him later that the 1934 crown he'd given him that night at the Bronze was worth almost 2,500 dollars. And that, while the diamond ring had gone off the Angel Falls, Xander hadn't been able to let go of Spike's memory.

Even though he heard Giles' clear his throat and Faith's question about necrophilia being contagious, he wasn't able to let go of Spike either. He just hoped nobody asked him to.

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