June Fifth, Ninety-Fourth Year, Twentieth Century
Professor Severus T. Snape
Room 12, The Lower Dungeons,
Hogwarts School, Scotland
To Whom It May Concern,
I irritably submit my twelfth annual application for the Defense Position. Due to my extensive history as a Death Eater, spy, unpenalized felon, and double agent- not to mention rumoured vampire-, I feel I would be well suited to instructing hebetudinous, dunderheaded children of the allure of the Dark Arts. There is no reason for you to ever believe I might damage their naive, infantile minds.
My reasons for applying are as follows: Firstly, I am so enamoured of the position that I am willing to risk my life, health, and sanity in a cursed position which I would only be able to inhabit for one year. Secondly, I greatly wish to have to move from my spacious dungeon rooms(equipped with private lab) to inhabit one of the cramped upstairs positions- the alternative being either flooing to my classroom every morning or trekking up six flights of stairs to reach it. Thirdly, I wish to be as far from my House's quarters as possible for all class hours so that if there is an emergency, my Slytherins might have a difficult time alerting me and I would reach their dormitories far to late to do anything effective. Fourth, I always love having curses fired around me. It has been nearly a year since I last nearly attacked a student for pointing his wand in my direction before I realised he was a student, not an armed combatant. Fifth, if I do not send an application regularly so that you might file a record of it, the Dark Lord will eventually find out that I have not been trying to get the position and torture me hideously when he comes back. I am already probably in enough trouble for not assassinating your Golden Boy whilst I am able.
I would endeavor to convince you to employ someone capable, trustworthy, sane, healthy, experienced, and thoroughly light in affiliation this year, but I fear that is a possibility lower than that that you might finally fire Professor Binns. The staff has asked that I insert a request that you do not not hire any winners of Witch Weekly's most charming smile award or anyone who regularly wears purple and green robes. After an incrediblelack of negotiation, Professors McGonagall and Sprout have indicated that they are inclined to assist in hiding the bod(y/ies) resulting from a discard of these perfectly reasonable requests.
Yours Sincerely,
Severus Snape
Professor Severus T. Snape
Does anyone else think that this seems fairly accurate?
Feed bunnies.