Varric Tethras has had to put up with a lot of shit from a lot of very powerful, albeit slightly (more so in the case of others) crazy, people.

First of all he had to put up with the awkward flirting between Shug Hawke, Anders and Fenris. And he wasn't just talking about the broody ex-slave and apostate mage flirting in singular towards Hawke, but the two of them somehow combing forces (a terrifying thought to be had if Varric was being completely honest with himself) to try and flirt with the almost oblivious Shug was an absolute nightmare. The fights between Broody and Blondie alone was probably enough to confuse the fuck out of anyone, let alone the subject of their affections.

However fortunate for everyone involved, the three of them managed to get their acts together and it's something out of a terrible and cheesy romance novel. The sap when they're drunk alone is enough to want to make Varric throw up. (The fights though have seemed to explode, but instead of the threats of hearts being ripped out of chests and the like, very loud and very obnoxious make up sex seemed to be the way forward).

Shug would often come to him, most of the time in the middle of the night. Sometimes questioning how he was so lucky to have been given the love of two exceptional men (Varric would always answer this one with a shrug and a comment along the lines of 'very violent men with tragic lives') and on the nights when there had been some spectacular fighting he would sit himself down at the bench of the Hanged Man and moan into a tankard of booze. (Though he never seemed to get drunk and that was something that Varric was always jealous about, even if the tipsier Shug would get the more information Varric unwittingly received about his friend's sex life.)

Maolán Trevelyan and Dorian Pavus were almost easy in comparison to the three in Kirkland. Not by much, though. They had to deal with homophobic parents and a society that only allowed for men to take pleasure with other men, but not to develop a relationship. Varric had certain opinions about both of these, and they weren't particularly good ones.

And then came the Inquisition; the close knit advisory and companions that Maolán had surrounded himself with were all supportive of an unconventional (for the situation that they were in, not the love that Sparkler and Danger obviously shared) romance. The rest of the Inquisition was just happy to share in some of the hope that the relationship bought.

The Chantry's opinion of Dorian and the relationship was in part due to the fact that Sparkler was born and raised in Tevinter. Stupid reason really, Varric knew from experience that everyone from Tevinter wasn't the same (look at the examples of Broody and Sparkly). To try and paint everyone from one place as the same was a really stupid decision. And even after the interference of Mother Giselle in her attempt at postponing the inevitable, the beliefs and opinions of the Chantry didn't bother Maolán or Dorian. Only the opinions of the masses could pose a threat, and in that statement only Dorian wanted to protect the reputation of Maolán (as his was tainted by the 'evil Tevinter magister' from day one.)

Varric thought that it was bullshit and voiced his opinions to an almost tipsy ('but still definitely more handsome and stylish than all of the others in this tavern.') mage before the Herald of Andraste and the Necromancer got their acts together.

'Who cares about them? This is about you and the Inquisitor.'

'Exactly. The Inquisitor. If he were any other man it wouldn't be this difficult, but then again I probably wouldn't have been initially interested.'

'What's so wrong about him being the Inquisitor?'

'For a start, he is the hope of so many with all eyes on him.'

'I thought that you liked having all eyes on you?'

Dorian chuckles with all the bearing of a man whose love could never be, drink in hand. 'Normally, yes, I would. But I don't want to besmirch the reputation of him with my already stellar one.'

Dorian wouldn't say any more than that, so Varric left him alone.

Weeks later when a smug looking Maolán stumbled out of his room with a pleased, but nervous looking Dorian following him (as well as the swollen lips and red welts on both of their necks) Varric nodded. Finally, was all he could think of.

Both of his groups of friends were absolutely mad; escaped Tevinter slave, cat loving Mage, the Champion, the snarky Altus and the sword mad Inquisitor. And there romances drove him insane.

(But they did make for good writing.)

AN: Just think of all the crap that Varric has had to put up with because of his friends pining and awkward flirting rituals. That poor dwarf; at least he got enough material to write several hundred books. (The alternative title to this story is 'Varric Tethras Is So Done With All Your Bullshit'. )