First of all, thank you for the reviews/comments/kudos: they mean the world to me... :)
I'm sort of writing a lot lately, working on different stories together and this set of stories based on the show is helping me get ready for season two.
Why do I feel that I'll start getting really, really angsty soon? -shrugs-
Anyway...
Don't ask me why but Simmons' comment on not wanting to go back to square one hit me really hard. Here's my take on her thoughts during the last episodes. Er... Little warning: this is pretty angsty.
Thanks to my Beta StarryDreamer01 who helped me edit this.
DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN AGENTS OF SHIELD.
"The first step towards knowledge is to know that we are ignorant."
-Richard Cecil-
Square One
As a child, Jemma had always disliked the games where a roll of dice decided her move. It was all too casual: a simple flick of her wrist or a twist and turn of a small wooden dice would say if she could go on in the game, stop or go back to the start.
Victory depended on something that she couldn't control.
And Jemma thrived in preparation and control. She wanted to be able to decide on her own; her capabilities would allow her to reach any goal.
But when she finished Uni, her second PhD done, and was recruited by SHIELD at the age of seventeen, she thought about it for a moment.
The idea was intriguing but it was all completely new. Nothing like the world of academia where she had lived until now.
New... Unknown... Casual.
She decided to go for it and intentionally throw this sudden dice in her life and see where it would take her. In the worst of cases, she thought, she could come back here to her Uni: it wouldn't be like starting again but just going on from where she left.
Joining SHIELD would be her new start from Square One.
It went better than expected: she found challenges in SHIELD's Academy. She found new interests and fascinating studies.
And she found Leopold Fitz.
Nothing stopped her from going through anything that was thrown at her once he was by her side.
-:-
Joining Coulson's team was the second time Jemma decided to do something -as Fitz called it- reckless.
A field team wasn't a secured, non mobile lab. A field team meant dangers for scientists that weren't ready for combat and didn't pass their assessment examination.
A field team was for anyone but them and yet she wanted to go because the thrill of unknown was lacing her veins. The thought of discovering things and concepts out in the world looked so much better than the things they could do in their restricted space of a lab.
Whatever could go wrong? They'd be alright...
Jemma wondered when she had started to speak in plural, deciding things that included her and Fitz together.
It came natural to her.
She was wanting new things, new experiences and she kind of expected him to want the same. A little voice in her head told her that he wanted to stay there at Sci-Ops in the large lab where they had been working for years but she promptly ignored it.
She didn't want to think that he would want something else or think differently from her. They were FitzSimmons now: a single unit.
Having different thoughts would just mean being separated from each other and Jemma realised that the mere thought was impossible for her. Fitz was her best friend, her partner and, truly, her other half.
She couldn't leave him behind: she didn't want to do that. It was selfish and maybe even a little bit arrogant on her part, but she knew (she desperately hoped) that he would follow her in this new journey.
He did.
She didn't have to start up again: they were both going on together.
-:-
The Chitauri incident was the first step back for her.
Jemma was suddenly forced to realise that the dangers of the field could affect her directly.
She could die.
Fitz could die.
The whole Team could die.
It made her realise, for the first time in her life, that despite all of her preparation and control, there were things that she couldn't stop.
There were events that could occur despite her will.
When she found herself in the lab (alone for the first time in years), she struggled to keep her calm and get the job done. She had an antiserum to find and little time to do so and as she bustled in the lab, she did her best to keep down the bubbling fear that her own life was at stake.
And Fitz… Fitz had been there to help her as always. He didn't leave her side despite the glass door dividing them and built her a delivery mechanism, encouraged her…
They fought when her nerves couldn't take it anymore and her fear intermingled with his concern. His words struck her harder than she expected (You've been beside me the whole damn time!) and she suddenly realised that giving in to despair now -giving up- would mean losing her life and putting Fitz in the situation that she had been desperately trying to avoid for herself.
Being left alone.
He didn't allow it however. They finally found a solution and Jemma felt a lump lodge in her throat when he barged into the lab with the Chitauri helmet, completely disregarding the security protocols.
She thought about the Fitz that hated the field...and yet that same Fitz was risking his life for her. The knowledge made her feel relief and hope and some other warm emotion that made her heart clench.
Jemma never thought about the consequences of her actions that followed: hitting him on the head, jumping out of the Bus...looking at him one last time before attempting to save them.
Thinking back, she should have realised that all of this was burdening him. She just noticed a little change between them but didn't linger on it...
However, when she was safe on the Bus again, she called him a hero because even though it was Ward that saved her from plummeting into the ocean, it was Fitz that had actually saved her life.
She didn't realise then that Fitz's feelings had taken a step forward…
-:-
Jemma walked through the corridors of the Providence base and frowned slightly as she found the common room empty.
Agent Coulson wanted them all in Agent Koenig's office: the secret base's head agent was adamant to have them all tested to get the lanyard soon.
He seemed to be particularly irked that they had stayed all these hours without having one yet...
However, her current thoughts were on her missing partner: Fitz was nowhere to be found.
She had gone to his room, expecting to find him asleep and then be grumpy about being woken up but all she found was a neatly made bed and a empty room.
A wave of concern made its way through her body as she started walking throughout the base, searching for him.
Things had been a bit off with Fitz lately...
He was withdrawn, brash even and she couldn't understand what was going on in his head. Jemma admitted that their current situation wasn't helping: SHIELD being labelled a terrorist agency and being fugitives had their nerves strained and the tension was high.
Something had occurred while she was stranded in the HUB and her teammates had yet to explain it to her: there really hadn't been much time to sit down and talk.
But she had seen how harshly Agent Coulson treated May and how the usually stoic woman was hurt about it. Jemma saw how Skye was more open with their commanding officer and how they shared looks as though they knew something that the rest of them didn't; it was that attitude (along with Coulson's twitchiness in showing the drug results to anyone outside the Team) that had spurred her to continue her research on the GH325 on her own.
But she also noticed how the hacker was concerned for Ward, her emotions more tangible; Jemma wondered if her two teammates hadn't just given in to the obvious feelings between them...
And then there was Fitz...
"It's times like these you stick with the guy you believe in."
His words had been running through her head ever since they'd got into Providence. She had thought that he was referring to Coulson and to the fact that she was doubting him.
Jemma hadn't been sure of her trust in the older agent. SHIELD was gone, Director Fury was dead and yet he was adamant that neither things were true.
She had quickly agreed with Agent Triplett's statement that they needed solid facts right now and that they couldn't just go on a wild goose chase, looking for a secret base in the Canadian tundra.
But Fitz didn't see it like her. He could be prickly and extremely hesitant to changes but he had always been unyieldingly loyal. And he trusted Coulson.
And he had been right in the end: her walking through the corridors of Providence was the tangible proof that Coulson's faith in Fury and SHIELD was right.
Jemma walked towards the Bus: it was the last place left for her to search.
Fitz's words awoke other thoughts in her mind.
She had been hesitant to trust Coulson completely but... could Fitz be thinking that she didn't trust him?
Fitz had been distant from the moment they left the HUB and he had been extremely brash to Agent Triplett. It occurred to her that he might not trust him.
After all, they had just learned that their agency had traitors everywhere; they had learned that one of their friends -Coulson's old teammate and Triplett's S.O- was the Clairvoyant.
Jemma had been openly defending and trusting Agent Triplett instead.
Fitz wouldn't be thinking that she had trust issues towards him, would he?
The thought was ridiculous... but...
She walked up the cargo ramp and saw her partner in the lab, head bent on his workbench, lab coat on and clearly working.
He was working on something without her...
When had that ever occurred? A little doubt crept into her mind.
What if Fitz didn't trust her?
Her heart twisted painfully and she swallowed dryly as she entered the lab. Fitz looked up in surprise and smiled slightly. He looked hesitant and that left her unsettled.
"Fitz?" She asked slowly, walking inside. "What are you doing here?"
"Maintenance," he replied, putting the ICER down. She stared at him: why was he even doing that? Guessing her bewilderment, he just shrugged. "Never too early to be prepared."
It made sense that he wanted to be prepared, that he wanted the Team ready for an attack but...Why do this alone?
She looked at him and saw the dark rings around his eyes and his slightly dishevelled look: he must have been up all night.
Why hadn't he called her?
"Right..." She managed to say, swallowing the lump in her throat and looked around the lab, expecting to find changes that he might have done in her absence. She noticed that the ICER splatters on the door were gone and wondered about them; she didn't know why they'd been there and no one had told her anything about it.
Her eyes fell on Fitz again and she found him staring at her. He looked hesitant again, withdrawn even.
Jemma felt as though they'd gone back to the time before they first met in the Academy.
"You...were looking for me?" He asked slowly. There was a note of surprise in his tone and she didn't know what to think about it.
"Er...Agent Coulson wants us all in the common room," she said, blinking at him. She didn't want to go back to the Academy period again: Fitz hated her at the time.
"I'm coming," he replied, shedding his lab coat. "What's happening?"
"Ward's almost here," She replied, torn between answering and wanting to demand him to tell her what was wrong with him. "And Agent Koenig wants to test us for the lanyards.
"Oh, alright..." He looked relieved. He was probably glad that Ward would be back soon: they'd formed a strange form of camaraderie and friendship. Any other moment, she'd be happy that he was befriending someone but right now, she wondered why Ward had his trust and not her. "Let's go then."
He approached her and smiled slightly. Jemma's eyes lingered on his face for a moment, hundreds of questions flowing in her mind, before nodding in agreement and giving him a small smile.
As they walked, Jemma wondered when they'd stepped back from being FitzSimmons and gone to be Fitz and Simmons again.
She didn't like it: she didn't want them to go back to square one.
-:-
She'd grown tired of this and had decided to confront him.
Jemma had been wanting to do it ever since Skye had explained what had happened on the Bus when Hydra had started the attack while they waited to go through the lanyard test and Fitz was inside.
She'd frozen when she learned that May had tried to shoot Fitz twice and her biochemist mind had immediately realised that if he had been shot, that amount of dendrotoxin could have killed him.
Jemma shuddered at the thought.
And Fitz hadn't told her anything about it... He had also cleaned the splatters while she wasn't there...
Fitz had been cagey around her and Agent Triplett from the beginning of the mission and throughout their stay in Portland. She walked over to him as soon as Agent Coulson left for the cockpit.
"It's not him."
"What is it then?"
She saw him open his mouth to talk and wanted nothing more than an answer, anything that could give her an explanation since she was seriously lacking one.
But then he shut his mouth and Jemma felt as though nothing she could say or do would bring them back to what they were.
Fitz looked at her oddly, blue eyes fixed on her and flashing with emotions that she couldn't define. He smiled slightly.
"You know how I can be," He shrugged a bit. "I hate change."
Jemma felt a weight in her stomach while something twisted in her chest.
Fitz was lying.
She knew that there was something else. She knew him well enough to know that he wasn't telling her something...
Fitz didn't want to tell her.
Maybe he really didn't trust her anymore...
The thought alone made her ill but she couldn't get to talk or ask him anything as they landed at the secret base...
...and everything changed.
-:-
Jemma watched Fitz carefully as they sat by the poolside, talking about Ward.
After everything that had happened today, she needed him close and he seemed to be thinking the same. Despite the heavy weight in her chest, she felt relieved that he hadn't shunned her away and that they could get comfort from each other's presence.
Her ears echoed with the sound of crashing trays and pans.
"Ward did this." She had to swallow a lump of grief as she said this. Ward was her teammate; she considered him her friend.
Ward had saved her life.
And yet...he had been a traitor all along.
He had killed Erik Koenig.
And now Skye was-
She turned around as soon as heard the first crash.
Fitz had just thrown a tray to the ground and had started slamming the metal fridge door with his hands.
Her body moved on its own while her mind had just one thought.
Stop Fitz before he hurt himself.
She recalled another moment, years ago, when he had literally thrown apart his room at the Academy. It had taken all of her coaxing to calm him down and then allow her to tend his bruised hands.
"Fitz!" She reached for him but he shook her off, grunting as he hit the door with a solid thud. He was broader and stronger than the time at the Academy...
"No,no,no,no..." She reached for his shoulders, coming back when he shook her off until he leaned against the table, face contorted in grief.
She felt the tears pooling in her eyes.
Fitz still believed in Ward and was adamant in defending him despite Skye telling them about the events on the Bus.
He still believed that there was some good in him.
Jemma wondered if her partner was admirable or just too naïve...
He had trusted Ward and didn't want to think that he was just... evil.
She wished that she had the same faith. Her thoughts wandered to Erik Koenig and his talks about secret agents and lanyards and then to Ward when he mimicked her mimicking him.
Something tugged in her chest.
"Tell me that you're not Hydra."
Jemma blinked and turned abruptly until the words processed in her brain.
"What?" She asked, wondering if she heard correctly. Her eyes were fixed on Fitz and her heart sank wondering if her fears had been correct after all...
He looked at her and she saw the uncertainty in his eyes mingled with other emotions that she couldn't define.
"I know that it is ridiculous but I just need to hear you say it," His eyes lingered on her face for a moment before looking away.
She suddenly realised that Fitz wanted her to reassure him and that send a warm wave of relief in her body because he never allowed anyone to see his emotions and fears unless he trusted that person thoroughly.
She had been the only one that had seen this side of him.
And amidst the mess that had become their lives, he still sought her out, still believed that he could trust her.
Fitz trusted her.
Jemma looked at him, hiding the sudden elation going through her heart and sat up, leaning slightly towards him.
"I'm not Hydra," she said seriously. She didn't want him to doubt her. Ever.
"Yeah...G-Good, yeah," he stumbled over his words, barely hiding the relief in his eyes. "Good because I'm not either."
"Of course not," Jemma almost rolled her eyes. She didn't know whether to be happy at the fact that he was talking openly to her, scoff at his need to state his loyalty to SHIELD (because how could good, honest Fitz be anything but SHIELD?) or feel a little hurt that he'd actually doubted her.
"Yeah...because if you ever did-"
"I wouldn't," Why was he still-?
"I don't what I would do."
She stared at him, taking in his suddenly clear eyes and serious expression.
He didn't only want reassurance: he wanted to be sure of her honesty. Of her.
Fitz needed to know that she was still the person that he had known and trusted for years.
Fitz allowed very few people into his life and she had been privileged to be in it for eight years. He had started to trust the Team and Ward's betrayal had shaken him deeply.
He wanted to be sure that she wasn't going to let him down; that she wouldn't leave him alone.
It was Jemma's own fear but she always dispelled the thought knowing that Fitz wouldn't leave her side.
Jemma held his gaze, feeling that she was able to understand him again unlike the past days. She knew that something was bothering him and that he was still hiding something from her but it didn't matter now.
Fitz was there and she would do anything to get them back to what they were.
"You'll never have to find out," she reassured him.
He looked at her for a moment and then looked away.
Biting her lip, Jemma put a hand on his knee and squeezed it in comfort, trying to make him understand that she wasn't going anywhere.
Not without him.
It had been the two of them together since the Academy: she wasn't giving up on that.
She would never allow herself to start over from square one with Fitz.
-:-
She swam up towards the distant, shimmering disk of light that was the sun.
Her arms were burning with exertion: right one moving up and down to get her moving while her left was unmoving, hand clutching the collar of Fitz's shirt.
He had gone limp moments after the water rushed in and she had barely had time to get over the feeling of being punched in the stomach to take the breath of oxygen from the canister that he had all but shoved in her hands.
"Let me show you."
Her eyes were blurry and she didn't know if it was for the water or her own tears.
She swam with all her might, pushing aside the panic creeping up on her as she felt her lungs constricting and screaming for more air and shoving away all thoughts but one.
Save Fitz.
When she broke the water's surface, gasping for air and pulling Fitz up, she felt a ripple of fear seeing how still he was.
How long had it taken her to get to the surface? How long had he been without oxygen?
She looked around her and desperately realised that no one was there.
Someone had to be there! Someone had to save him!
When Director Fury appeared above her, Jemma didn't even question his being alive but just screamed for help and grabbed his extended hand.
Hours later, once she was out of the hyperbaric chamber and cleared to walk, Jemma approached the room where Fitz had been placed and watched him through a glass window.
She swallowed a lump in her throat at the sight of him immobile in bed, surrounded by machineries and tubes.
"His brain was without oxygen for a long time...but you saved him."
It couldn't have been in any other way. She wouldn't -couldn't-leave him there.
Fitz was...her best friend in the world.
"You're more than that, Jemma."
Jemma wondered how she could have been so blind. How hadn't she noticed...? She knew that something was there, knew that something had changed after the Chitauri incident… but they never talked about it.
He had been keeping it from her… For how long?
They'd have to talk about it as soon as he woke up. Jemma tried to shove away the thought that he might not wake up; her mind gave her medical facts on drowning and lack of oxygen.
Jemma shook her head.
Fitz had to wake up.
She didn't know how to be alone anymore. She didn't want to be without him.
Jemma hated starting over and stepping back but...
She didn't want to imagine going back to square one and start a life without Fitz.
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