Disclaimer- It's not mine. Never was. Kikyou and Inuyasha belong to Rumiko Takahashi, the genius she is. So don't sue.The song belongs to Samantha Mumba. That's not mine either.
A/N - Hey everyone. What's up? Yes, I know what you are thinking. I should be working on my other stories. I know, I know. But this song has been stuck in my head since I heard it earlier, and just would not go away. So, I figured I better get it out of my system before I wind up having nightmares about it. ;)
It is supposed to be a short look at what Kikyou may have been thinking when she descended into hell. I don't know what happens in the anime (so please excuse any misconceptions). So let's just say that Inuyasha is given a choice, and he chooses Kagome over Kikyou. This is my take on what might possibly go through Kikyou's head as she descends into hell. And yes, I realize that some things are completely random, and no where near in order. But I don't need to remind people that in a panic, we don't think logically. At least, I don't.
So, without further ado...
Never Meant to Be
By: Avonnalay-Ariemay
6/13/05
I remember when I still believed the things you said
I remember…so many things about you, about the way we once were, before the jewel, before the burdens we were forced to carry.
Before the deception turned us against each other…
Before Naraku…
Never would have thought that this would come to an end
We were happy together for such a long time. You had found your place amongst the inhabitants of my village, and they became used to seeing you being around. We grew to love each other over time, much to the collective surprise of my younger sister and the other villagers
But as I have always heard: All good things must eventually come to an end.
The actions leading up to our demise is almost comical in a sense, now that I look back. We were both deceived by a ridiculous hanyou who had lusted after the promises the Shikon jewel could grant him. Naraku knew our weaknesses, knew how and when to strike us at the most inopportune time.
The hanyou may be evil, but he was no fool Not then, and most definitely not now.
How was I to know that you had another someone new
I believed that what we shared would transcend the jewel, would go beyond our lives and continue on to reunite us in the afterworld, long after I had lived my mortal life. You told me that you would help me protect the jewel from those who sought it out, and I believed you because you told me that you loved me.
I recall the days I loved you in a million ways
I loved you more than anything, and was willing to give up all that I had worked for. My life as a miko was expendable, if only to be with you. I had never felt that way, never known what a true love and admiration for someone could lead to.
Suddenly, you and me, from friends to history
And then it happened so quick. Naraku manipulating us like puppets for his own twisted amusement and desires. He took your form, a visage that I trusted and loved, and attacked me.
I thought you had betrayed me. I believed the lure of the jewel's power had been too much of a prize for you. I even entertained the thought that you had used me simply to get close to the jewel.
I realized that my trust ain't coming back no more
At that point, my trust in you crumbled. I believed you no better than those foolish demons I was sworn to slay in order to protect that sacred jewel. My heart broke, thinking you had toyed with my feelings, my affection. And I knew then that I would have to do something I had never wanted to do.
I was going to have to kill you.
Cause my love for you will always last eternally
She thinks me selfish and cold; a living corpse going for revenge. True, a corpse I may be, but stupid I am not.
I know it was Naraku's doings that led to my death and your imprisonment. In my heart, I know you are innocent, Inuyasha.
You are in my heart
I never forgot about you. I kept our love close to my heart, even during the darkest times. It kept my going when nothing else could. And it is what has kept me going up until this point. You may have believed it was revenge, even I had finally convinced myself I was running only on my need to avenge my death. But I eventually realized that I was helping you, despite how twisted my means were, because I still cared.
Deep down, I could not hate you Inuyasha.
I loved you from the start
You were the only one who ever saw me as more than a miko. You saw me as a woman. You could empathize with me, understand what my dreams were, and understand how I could never achieve the dreams of a home and family because of my duties to the jewel. The time you took with me, listening to me when no one else would, it made me love you even more.
Baby it's hard to believe that you and I were never meant to be
We were supposed to be together. You and I, not you and my reincarnation. Life is so unfair, at times, but there is nothing we can do about it. Nothing at all, and that is perhaps the worst feeling of helplessness anyone can ever experience.
Does anybody know this feeling of despair
But by some twist of fate's hand. By some cosmic joke, a mortal girl fell through a dried up well in Inuyasha's forest, broke the seal, and released you from your imprisonment. This girl, this Kagome, is nothing more than my own reincarnation, a pale shadow of what I once was.
But one thing is for certain. No matter how much I dislike her, I must respect her. She watched as time after time, you ran from her, and back to me. Her despair at not having a spot in you heart was almost tangible.
When you really love someone, when you really care
She loved you just as much as I ever did when you left her and sought me out on those nights. She cared about you with all the passion I had once held.
And I was jealous.
Jealous of her ability to love with her soul while I was forced to walk the earth as a shadow, a spectre that was nothing more than some vampiric beast feeding on the souls of innocent women only to stay upright. Yet you still sought me out, Inuyasha, knowing the harm you would bring to her, to my shadow.
But she stayed beside you through it all. She stayed with you, even after you left her side, betrayed her by coming to me. She stayed, where I simply would have left you.
I tried to kill her, thinking that by doing so, the other portion of my soul would return to me, and I would return to the woman I once was before Naraku's treachery.
The woman you loved.
It's hard to walk away, when I really want to stay with you
This is perhaps the hardest thing I have ever been forced to do, seeing you chose my reincarnation over me. I know, in my heart, that I am not the same woman I was fifty years ago. But even now, I remembered my childish desires to always be with you, to always be by your side. And despite the fact that I died, and was resurrected by Urusae's dark magic, that emotion still lingers.
Does anybody know it tears you up inside
It tears me to pieces, seeing you turn your back on me and leave with her; a living, breathing, younger version of myself. It is almost as if I am looking through a mirror at some ridiculously twisted version of reality where the concepts of right and wrong are twisted and skewed.
When you triy to decide, between what's wrong and right
Wrong and right. Two very different principles that cause a creature's actions to turn for the better, or worse.
The wrong thing to do would be for me to take you with me as I descend into the fiery chasms of hell, force you to embrace the raging inferno with me like you had promised to do.
But the right thing….the right thing to do is to let you go. Let you go to defeat Naraku and his minions. And let you go to my reincarnation's side.
Got to know for sure that my love ain't coming back no more
But my love, my adoration for you, will always be with me, despite every attempt I try to erase it from my mind, to forget the emotions that you created within my heart at one time. However, I realized a long time ago that we would never be the way we were all those decades ago. I was dead, and in essence, nothing more than a soul sucking ghost. Things will never be the way they were.
I'll never wake up in your arms again.
You'll never sit by my side while we watch the sun rise.
I'll never play with your hair, or pinch your ears.
You'll never hold me like you did.
It's gone, all of it.
Forever.
Cause my love for you will always last eternally
You can't have all of that with me, but you can have it with her, with my reincarnation, with Kagome. And I would be the worse type of woman if I could not let go and let you find happiness with someone else when I am not there with you as I should be. I want you happy, my love. And if it means that you must find happiness through Kagome, then so be it.
You are in my heart
The girl is a large part of me. So I will still go on loving you, just in a different body, and without any memory of our shared history in the past. And with Kagome in full control of her entire soul, our powers will meld together. She will grow stronger and become more of an asset to you in this war against Naraku.My reasons for staying here on this plane of existence are running out. And if I can help you in your quest by removing myself from the picture, then so be it. I will do so.
I loved you from the start
I can honestly say that I loved you from the very first time I saw you, Inuyasha, despite the fact it was because I had saved you from a pair of lizard demons that were bound and determined to have you for lunch. Your arrogant manner, and overall rotten demeanor would have turned most people away from you. And I do think you put up that façade for a reason. You wanted to see if anyone would look past the gruff attitude and bad manners to the soul inside, a soul who only wanted to be loved for what he was, and not what he was not.
We were so much alike then. Both dealing with a sort of self imposed exile from the ones surrounding us. My burden was the Shikon jewel. Yours was your mixed heritage. But I still loved you, despite what I had been taught by my mentor. They had told me more times than I can remember that demons were evil, but….you were not.
Never truly have been.
Baby it's hard to believe that you and I were never meant to be
Fate is a cruel mistress, and has never been on my side. I believed so fervently at one time that I could change the entire course of the world. And I believed that you would be at my side.But, the hands of fate work mysteriously. And we were split apart, despite the love, the trust, and the relationship we had founded. Onigumo's twisted love for me gave way to Naraku's skewed plans for world domination.
Had things been different, and you and I never met, perhaps Onigumo would have been the one I fell in love with. But you were there, Inuyasha. And though a thief he was, he could not steal my heart or my affections away from you, so he reverted to trickery and manipulation.
Yes, we were doomed from the moment he let his body be taken over by those thousands and thousands of demons. We just did not know it at the time.
That you and I were never meant to be
So now I say my final goodbye, Inuyasha. I will always be with you in spirit, and in my heart. But, I have come to understand and accept that I am no longer to be here. My responsibility to the Shikon jewel had been fulfilled. Now it is Kagome's responsibility to protect the jewel. And you, you are seemingly bound to protect the protector of the jewel. You must keep her safe, Inuyasha, just like you did with me.
She needs you now, as much as I am loathed to admit it.
That you and I were never meant to be
I love you, Inuyasha.
And no matter what body this soul may ever inhabit, we will find each other again. It may be decades, or even centuries, but I will find you again.
Until the next time, my little puppy. I love you.
Now and forever.
A/N - Hey everyone. What's going on? I hope everyone is having a wonderful summer at the moment. Just so you know, I am not exactly sure where this whole thing came from. I heard the song and next thing I know, I'm typing away at my keyboard like some sort of maniac.
Weird, huh?
Anyhow, please feel free to comment on this. Any part at all. I'd like to know what you think, even if it is to flame….
Until next time,
A.A.