Back to December by Taylor Swift
And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind So this is me swallowing my pride I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile, Maybe this is wishful thinking, I'd go back in time and change it but I can't.
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was "Goodbye".
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time.
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry.
Probably mindless dreaming,
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right.
So if the chain is on your door I understand.
Beca lay on her bed staring up at the ceiling. She wasn't crying, she just felt kind of numb inside. Lonely. The realization startled her, since she was so used to blocking everyone out so that she didn't feel these types of emotions. It was the first time she had felt lonely in a long time.
Sun streamed onto her face, annoying her greatly. She reached up and yanked the curtain shut. The sun was only reminding her of how happy she had been before the breakup. It was taunting her, teasing her. It was too bright and cheery for how she felt. And all the couples she saw outside weren't helping.
She knew she should be studying for her finals. Or sleeping. Or even working on her songs, if she ever hoped to get a summer job at the radio or music store. But all she could think about at the moment was Chloe. They had only been apart for a week, but it was the longest she had gone without speaking to the redhead since they had met. In fact, she hadn't really spoken to anyone in the past week since her roommate hated her, her dad didn't really care about her, and most of the Bellas were studying. Not that Beca minded. Chloe had was the only person she really opened up to, and when they broke up, Beca felt her walls go up again. Maybe it was easier just to shut everyone out all the time. Then at least she wouldn't end up heartbroken.
Little did Beca know that Chloe was in the exact same position on her bed. She too had barely moved for the past few days. All Chloe could think about was how much she regretted breaking up with Beca. Now that she actually thought about it and was being honest with herself, she had realized that her real motive behind it was that she was scared of moving forward in the relationship and having that much commitment. So she had put less and less work into the relationship until it fell apart. She had convinced herself that it was the right thing to do.
Beca had been listening to music nonstop for the past few days. Right now, Titanium was playing in her ears for the twentieth time today. She just kept replaying their first meeting over and over in her head. How happy they had been. The connection they had. All the dates they had been on and fun they had had. It killed her that she wouldn't be able to experience that anymore with Chloe.
Aubrey came into Chloe's room, looking a little annoyed that Chloe still hadn't moved.
"Chloe I understand that you're upset, but lying around isn't helping," Aubrey stated. "You need to do something, eat something. Sing a song if you want to get your emotions out, but please get up. You haven't moved for a week and you're starting to worry me. Besides, finals are coming up and you're going to fail if you don't study."
"Just leave me alone Aubrey," Chloe whined.
"I will not. You're my best friend and I'm going to see to it that you get back on your feet and get on with your life," declared the blonde. "I know you're upset, but you need to get a move on. Use your emotions to fuel you into doing something."
"Fine. So if you're so smart, what should I do now? I really screwed up, Aubrey. I need to fix this but I have no clue how, and it's killing me."
"Look, if you really want to get back together with Beca, and I can see that you do, you need to go and talk to her. You got into this mess, and you need to go take action and get out of it." Aubrey knew that she wasn't sounding very compassionate right now, but she had a feeling that this is what it would take to get Chloe to finally get out of bed and do something. She had been gentle and sympathetic with Chloe all week, but now she needed to get the redhead motivated enough to actual fix her problem. Besides, she was getting rather tired of seeing Chloe just lie there day after day.
Chloe thought this over. "And here I thought that Beca would be the one with commitment issues," she mused. "You know, seeing how long it took her to open up to me. But I guess not. Now it's all my fault."
"Okay," said Aubrey. "Stop blaming yourself for absolutely everything that happened. Some things you couldn't control. But what you're doing right now, you can control. So go and get your girlfriend back."
Chloe nodded, but inside she felt unsure. "Do I even deserve her anymore though? Will she want me back after what I did? What if I do the same thing again, turn my back on her?"
Aubrey was getting a little frustrated at the lack of her friend's willingness to even try. Plus, she was soon going to be late for her dinner date. "Let's try something else. What do you think of when you think of Beca?"
"Um…Charming, beautiful, amazing, energetic, passionate, hidden, alternative, musical, DJ'ing…"
"Okay. And how do you feel when you think of Beca?"
"Right now, very upset," replied Chloe miserably. "But I also feel the love I have for her and the passion she inspires in me. She makes me feel special and amazing. I love her and I miss her like crazy." Chloe was vaguely aware that she currently sounded like she belonged on some romantic TV drama, but it was true.
"Well TELL her that. Look, you broke up with her. She probably thinks you don't want anything to do with her anymore, so there's no way she's going to make the first move and come over here to talk to you. At least tell her how you feel. I mean, what do you have to lose? You're already not talking."
Chloe took a deep breath, trying to collect her thoughts. "I guess," she muttered half-heartedly. She did appreciate Aubrey's help, it was just that she felt like she had already dug herself into a very deep hole and had no idea how to get out. She wasn't feeling nearly as hopeful as Aubrey was.
"Well Chloe, if you're going to do something, you better act fast. The school year's almost over, and then you'll be in trouble, with all the time and distance between you guys. She's bound to find someone else over the summer," Aubrey said as she walked out of the room and left for dinner.
Chloe sighed as she actually got out of bed to eat some pasta, only to lie down again an hour later. She tried to sleep, but couldn't. Her thoughts were filled with memories of Beca. Numerous times she picked up her phone, started typing out a message to the younger girl. But she could never make herself send it. 'Do you want to meet up?' sounded too insensitive. 'I'm missing you so much right now' was too clingy and she wasn't sure it would be well received. Especially since Chloe was the one that had broken up with Beca. "Can we talk?" seemed a bit too forceful.
As Chloe thought about Beca, she always seemed to come back to one memory. It was December, and exams had just finished. They were in Chloe's room, spending time together before they both went home for the holidays. The snow was falling gently outside the window, and they had been cuddling for a few minutes, listening to the mix Beca had made Chloe for over the break. They were lying on the bed facing each other, Chloe's hand caressing the younger girl's face. Beca's eyes were closed, and her hands were running through Chloe's hair and over her stomach. As they left the campus, they had paused outside to throw a few snowballs at each other, and they both left with a grin on their faces and snow lightly covering their tousled hair.
Chloe knew Beca remembered that moment too. It was the first time that had told each other they loved them. Beca had said it first, as the music was ending. She had got up to leave the room, but before she had, she had turned around and said, "Bye Chloe. I love you."
Chloe had replied with, "I love you too," before engulfing her girlfriend in a bear hug, not allowing her to leave quite yet. And then the snowball fight had ensued shortly after.
Chloe sat up suddenly. She knew what she had to do to try and get Beca's trust back. She got up and started preparing what she would need, quietly so that she wouldn't wake Aubrey. It was 4:00 in the morning after all.
Across the campus, Beca was looking at her clock. 3:48. She had to be up at 7:00 tomorrow. She sighed, trying to put Chloe out of her mind. She ended up falling asleep around 5:30, sleeping through her alarms and waking up at 9:00. Her philosophy class really wasn't useful anyways.
Beca walked around all day half-asleep, not putting effort into anything she did. She hadn't seen any of the other Bellas, which she considered lucky. She wasn't sure she could face them quite yet to explain what had happened.
When Beca got back to her dorm room at 5:00, she was ready to collapse onto her bed again and just try and relax with her music. But as soon as she entered her dorm, she did a double take. She was quite startled, to say the least.
It was quite a sight that greeted her. There were sparkly paper snowflakes of all shapes and sizes hanging from Beca's ceiling and taped to the walls. On the brunette's bed were two hand-painted cardboard cut-outs of her and Chloe, cuddling exactly how they were on that December day. Attached to the cardboard Chloe's hand there was a small envelope that said 'Beca' on it.
Beca stood there a moment, taking everything in. She was filled with a mixture of hope and confusion. Maybe Chloe wasn't as happy with the breakup as Beca thought she was. After a moment, Beca slowly walked toward the bed and took the envelope. As she opened the card, music started playing. The DJ immediately recognized the tune as the mix that she had made Chloe for the winter break. It seemed like so long ago. Beca's eyes started to get misty, so she focused her attention on the card. In Chloe's handwriting was scrawled, 'Please just give me 5 minutes to explain.' There was no further explanation.
Beca stood looking around the room for any sign of her ex-girlfriend before making her way toward the doorway and opening the door. And there she saw Chloe standing, with evident dried tears on her face and bags under her eyes. She had made an effort to dress nicely, though. Her black flats and blue skinny jeans nicely matched the flowy black tank top accented with silver embroidery that she was wearing. A light grey cardigan with black buttons, silver hoop earrings, and a silver heart shaped locket finished off the outfit. Beca strongly suspected that the locket had her picture in it.
Beca started to feel more and more hopeful. If Chloe didn't completely fuck this up, she believed that they had a chance to get back together. It was all Beca could do not to run the last few feet to Chloe and embrace her in a warm hug, never planning to let go. As it was, the shorter girl just nodded curtly at the redhead, with a hint of a smile on her face, and briskly said, "Come in."
Chloe had never felt so nervous in her life. Here was Beca, giving her a chance, and she knew that she just had to be open and honest and hope for the best. Still, she couldn't predict the outcome of this conversation, and she wasn't sure how she would survive is Beca shut her out of her life for good.
The redhead sat down on the bed next to Beca, and took a moment to just look at her. She had obviously been crying in the past week, which just made Chloe feel even more terrible. She opened her mouth to start talking, but now that she was actually beside her possible-girlfriend, she didn't think that the opening she had practiced would do any good. So she decided to ditch her entire planned speech and try to just follow the conversation and be honest.
"Beca," said Chloe, then stopped. So much for grand openings. She tried again. "Look Beca, I don't know where to start. I'll just try to be as honest as I can. I've missed you. I know I broke up with you, but I missed you and I really regret it and I really want to talk about it." Chloe realized that this wasn't the strongest way to start the conversation, and it probably didn't sound too convincing to anyone listening, but she wasn't sure how to put all of her feelings into words. Luckily, Beca responded.
"You missed me? But Chloe, you always seemed so distant in the weeks before you broke up with me…Like you didn't really like me any more…" Beca trailed off.
Although she really had no right to do so, Chloe started to get a little mad that Beca would accuse of not caring, and all her plans of being nice and understanding and apologetic temporarily flew out the window. "You wouldn't talk to me or open up to me! How was I supposed to be there for you if you wouldn't talk to me about your problems? You didn't even talk to me about things that were going well in your life!"
"Well how was I supposed to talk to you if you kept getting further away from me? You knew that I only opened up to people if I felt I could really trust them. And you seemed like you didn't care. You didn't make an effort to see me or talk to me! Why would I open up to you if you wouldn't care? You were closing off from me! And I still gave you a chance, I wanted you to come back, to be yourself again, to talk to me. But you didn't. And you broke up with me, so don't you dare say it's my fault!"
Silence greeted Beca as she finished her statement. It dragged on for a couple minutes. Beca was just about to get up and leave the room when she heard two softly spoken words escape Chloe's mouth. "You're right." Beca turned back towards Chloe, willing her to go on. A few more seconds went by.
"You're right. And I'm sorry. Before you say anything, I know that sorry won't make up for how I acted towards you when I was supposed to be your girlfriend, but I'm hoping it can help. I was supposed to be there for you, listen to you, make an effort. And I wasn't. So you're right, I was closing off from you. But I didn't want to. I realize that this probably sounds like bullshit to you right now, but I did really like you. I still do. I wanted to be with you, but I was scared. I was scared of the responsibility of having a serious relationship, I was scared of the commitment, because I didn't know if I would do it right. I didn't know if I had what it took to be a good girlfriend, and I only wanted the best for you. But I didn't know if I could give you that. So I stopped trying. I figured that if I didn't make an effort, you wouldn't want me anymore. But you never broke up with me. It broke my heart to know that I was probably ruining your life because you were relying on me to be there for you, and I wasn't. You believed in me, but I didn't believe in myself. So I left. Cowardly, I know, but I did it anyways." Chloe stopped for a moment to gather her thoughts. She wasn't sure where all this had come from, but she knew it was all completely true. It was a hundred times better than any speech she could have prepared beforehand. And if she was being honest, she might as well go all the way. So she continued.
"And if I'm being honest here, I didn't do it because I thought you would be better off, even though that's what I told myself at the time. I did it so that I would be better off. Running away from my responsibilities. But I've been regretting it ever since. Those so-called responsibilities were the best things to ever happen to me, as was being your girlfriend. So I'm sorry. I know I treated you like shit, and I know you're probably still really mad at me. But I want to let you know that I am way more than willing to commit to this relationship, and be there for you. Because putting effort into this relationship isn't even work for me. It makes me so happy spending time with you, and I love planning dates and making you happy, and everything else that is a part of being your girlfriend. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I love you. And I'm asking you for another chance."
Beca's eyes had filled with tears, but she refused to let them fall. As much as she wanted to reach out and take Chloe's hand and kiss her, she knew they needed to finish talking. "Chloe, I…" Her voice faltered as she tried to figure out what she wanted to say. "Chloe look, I love you too. I've been wondering for the past week why you broke up with me, because we were so happy together. I still need to process all of this, but I really want this to work."
There was a pause in the conversation. Chloe couldn't take it anymore. She leaned slowly towards Beca, closing her eyes when there was only a small space between their lips. She gave Beca plenty of time to move away, but when she leaned further to close the gap, she found Beca's soft, eager lips waiting for her. Reaching up, she ran her hand through Beca's hair, holding onto the base of her head. It was a gentle kiss, but it was filled with desperation and love and all the other emotions that had been building up.
Beca finally pulled away, needed more answers before she decided to commit to this relationship again. "One more thing, Chloe. The year's almost over, and as much as I love being with you, what will we do next year? If I'm stuck here and you're going away somewhere…" She trailed off, unsure of how to properly voice her concerns.
"I'm not leaving you."
"You say that now, but…"
"No, I mean I'm not leaving the school. I'm coming back next year. Don't worry about losing me."
"What? Why?"
"I'll explain later. When we're not about to fall asleep." She pressed a kiss to the brunette's temple, and let her mouth linger for a second. "Um…do you have an answer for me yet?" she whispered in Beca's ear, anticipating the answer, but still a little fearful. "Because this feels an awful lot like we're getting back together, but if you're going to reject me, now would be the time. It probably wouldn't be the best idea to stay cuddled with you if you hate me."
"Stay," murmured Beca, snuggling closer to the taller girl's body. "Let's give it another shot."
Both of them drifted quickly off to sleep, finally secure and comfortable against each other. They slept well for the first time in a week. They still couldn't stop thinking about each other, but this time they were joyful, happy thoughts. Thoughts of their future together. Beca woke up briefly a short time later, but she couldn't will herself to move. Feeling her girlfriend's soft, warm body behind her with her arm draped protectively over her hip gave the brunette so much comfort and contentment as she once again drifted off to sleep.