A/N: Smaell + Night-shift + Sleep deprivation = Deranged Cracktacular Fics. Enjoy.
Warnings: Just utter stupidity all round. Sorry my brain isn't working right now... I blame Yachiru.
Disclaimer: They aren't mine they belong to Kubo *Sadface* S'not fair, I wants my Juu-Juu.
Summary: *Set in the two years between the winter war and Substitute-Shinigami arcs* It was just another Captain's meeting... Right?
Just Another Captain's Meeting
It was widely acknowledged throughout the Seireitei that the most tedious thing a about being a Gotei Captain was the captain's meetings. The impossibly monotonous, dull, tiresome meetings.
What wasn't widely known throughout the Seireitei was that there was a running bet through the lower levels of the Gotei over which Captain would cause the Captain-Commander to finally snap and physically get their asses hauled out of said meeting by the old man. Of course this piece of information had not been shared with said Captains, the lower ranks had to have some fun after all
Rather unsurprisingly the majority of the bets were placed on Captain Kyōraku; the old dog had been around long enough to know just which of old man's Yama's buttons to push and was quite happy to do so. With a few on Mayuri and Zaraki for good measure.
But even so the feat had yet to happen, although they had gotten really close that one time when Shinji... Captain Hirako had decided it would be fun to booby-trap the meeting room with kidō tags that sent out small controlled bursts of byakurai every time anyone said the word 'squad'. Yamamoto had not been impressed as it had been the cadets' assignment meeting, by the end he looked as though he spent the last week in a storm.
But anyway moving on...
As previously stated these captain's meetings were the source of great dismay and it was with heavy hearts and souls eleven of the thirteen Gotei Captains made their way to the first division. They took their positions and waited quietly for the Captain-commander to make his appearance.
"I take it Captain Ukitake is unwell again."
The stern voice of Byakuya Kuchiki cut across the silence, startling the eighth division captain from his day dream. Kyōraku looked up bloodshot eyes obscured by his customary hat.
"I believe so Captain Kuchiki, lucky bastard."
There was a unanimous mummer of agreement around the room. Although they envied the fact the man had the best excuse ever for ditching meetings they wouldn't wish his condition on any of their fellow Captain's.
The meeting was brought to order as Yamamoto emerged from his side chamber and leveled his forces with a stern gaze.
"You may be seated."
An hour later after much droning from Yamamoto the entire congregation was bored stiff. There was only so much one could take in about budgets and reports and certain individuals had already zoned out. Zaraki had apparently come prepared an eyeball painted on the lid of his now closed eye, the illusion somewhat compromised by the small trickle of drool running down his chin.
Others had just given up completely.
Shinji and Shunsui were playing table football when the Commanders back was turned, while Byakuya watched in disdain. Toshiro had begun doodling on his notes trying not to fall asleep and Rose and Kensei were playing Rock, paper, scissors to while away the time.
At that point in time they would have given anything for a distraction.
However what they got wasn't what anyone expected.
It started, as most things do in the soul-society with a flare of reiatsu. The twelve Captains' immediately stopped what they were doing recognizing the distinct flare of their missing member, confusion crossing all of their faces.
The next thing they heard was a loud shout before the door to the meeting room collapsed in on itself.
"I REFUSE THAT!"
Twelve pairs of eyes went very, very wide as they took in the sight before them.
In the dusty remnants of the door stood the Captain of the thirteenth division, twin zanpaktou unsealed with a crazed look in his eyes. Around his neck was a long piece of material that billowed out like a cape behind him. He gave the congregation a twisted smile and moved into what could only be described as a 'Hero' pose.
"I am here to save you from evil-doings!"
The seated captain's just gawked in sheer disbelief as they watched the usually calm composed Ukitake jump onto the large table and literally carve his way through the mass of paperwork that sat in front of each Captain until he finally came to stand in front of Yamamoto.
"We meet at least evil lord but you shall vanquished this day!"
The room was so silent you could have heard a pin drop. Every member of the room watched on with morbid fascination as the two men stared one another down.
"Be vanquished evil-one! I REFUSE!"
There was a swift displacement of air as Jūshirō swiped his blades in front of his Sensei. The Gotei captain's collectively held their breath and watched as the clearly deranged Ukitake's blades cut through the Captain-commander's beard sending strands of grayed hair scattering about the room.
"You are vanquished evil one! I have cut off the source of your power!" Ukitake's happy voice intoned as he turned to his compatriots "You are free my friends.. Go forth and live your lives filled with happiness!"
Yamamoto finally appeared to snap out of the shocked daze he was in and stood up abruptly, a dangerous look crossing his face. Without so much of a hint of a warning he seized the white-haired man's impromptu cape and hauled the miscreant off the table.
Reiatsu now flaring wildly the Captain-commander dragged the half conscious Jūshirō along the floor muttering under breath about 'foolish children' and their 'idiotic games'. The Captain's watched with horrified amusement as Yamamoto picked the pale man up by his robes, forcibly evicting him with a none too subtle kick to the backside along with a few choice threats.
Stalking back to the meeting room the Captain-commander glared at the slack-jawed idiots gaping at him.
"Anyone else have any issues!"
Nobody replied and every single member of the room dropped their gaze to the table.
Yamamoto's grin was vicious.
"Didn't think so."
"IKKAKU!"
The eleventh divisions' third seat lazily sat up and frowned as he heard his name being frantically yelled.
'What now?'
The yelling continued as Rangiku Matsumoto rounded the corner, her face flushed with excitement.
"Ikkaku it happened, it finally happened!"
Now thoroughly confused Ikkaku scratched his head in annoyance.
"Ran... What the hell are you talking about?"
"She's talking about someone finally getting tossed out of the Captain's meeting."
Yumichika's voice cut across the boisterous woman's rambling.
"What!"
The dark haired Shinigami rolled his eyes at his friend and flicked a hand through his hair in annoyance.
"Ignorance is decidedly un-beautiful my friend."
Ikkaku glared. "Not now Yumi, just tell me what happened already!"
Rangiku practically bounced up and down on the spot, excitement buzzing through her like a drug.
"Well I heard it from Izuru… He'd been waiting for Captain Ōtoribashi at the Captains meeting and then all of a sudden someone went flying over his head with Old Man Yama screaming a few obscenities and choice threats after them."
The bald headed man smirked, wishing he'd been there to see the Captain-Commander lose his cool.
"So who was it? Please tell me it was Kyōraku…. Or Hirako, that smug bastard needed bringing down a peg or two."
The blonde looked about ready to bust a gut at withholding the juiciest information this side of the Seireitei. Clapping her hands together like a child she grinned widely.
"Oh but that's the best part… It wasn't Kyōraku or Hirako, it was Ukitake."
"Piss off!"
"I swear on all the sake in the world that it's the truth."
Ikkaku goggled "You're kidding right, I mean there is no way Ukitake would anger Yamamoto he's been his golden boy for as long as I can remember…"
Yumichika snorted "I know… and that is what makes this situation all the more hilarious."
Rangiku nodded in agreement then sighed "Yeah… I'm just guttered I didn't put any money on him. I was pretty certain it would have been Kyōraku."
The two males nodded with her, annoyed at the lack of foresight to put some money the ailing captain. But as the saying went 'Thems the breaks' and the three of them would just have to accept that they wouldn't be retiring anytime soon.
"On the point of that odious bet, did anyone actually bet on Ukitake?"
There was a moment of silence as Rangiku pulled out her bets book from in between her massive cleavage and quickly began to flick through it. Eyes widening as she skimmed the columns of names she came to an abrupt stop as she found the answer to Yumichika's question.
"N-No way…"
The two members of the eleventh division eyes her worriedly.
"Don't tell me someone actually bet on him….The odds were astronomical."
Rangiku just gaped, eyes wide and panicked as she realized the amount of money she was going to have to fork out to the victor, there went her Sake budget for the next two years. Because she was going to have to pay it otherwise she was going to have a whole world of hurt headed her way.
Two words mocked Rangiku from the page.
Yachiru Kusajishi.
A few miles away a slightly beat up Ukitake staggered into the Ugendō a wide smile on his face. Slowly he peeled off the dirty haori and set about making some tea, waiting patiently for his expected guest.
He wasn't waiting long as the high pitched childish squeal of the eleventh divisions lieutenant came barreling through the doors of his abode, he youthful face graced with a huge toothy smile.
"Ukki, Ukki I did like you told me. I gave Jiggles the money and told her your name."
Jūshirō chuckled at her enthusiasm and took a quick sip of tea, the warm liquid soothing his raw throat.
"Very good Yachiru-chan, you have my thanks."
"So what was it for Ukki? Jiggles seemed to think I was crazy by saying your name, but she wouldn't tell me why."
The elder just smiled mysteriously and ruffled the pink head in front of him.
"It's nothing important Yachiru-chan but suffice it to say you have just earned yourself an entire month's load of sweets. All you need to do is go and get the money back of Rangiku-san and I'll eternally be in your debt."
"Sure thing Ukki! As long as I get my sweets…"
The thirteenth captain laughed loudly.
"Of course Yachiru-chan, of course."
Yachiru cheered and began dancing around happily while Ukitake just sipped his tea. He may have taken a bit of a beating at his Sensei's hands but if it meant that he didn't have to worry about his sibling's well-being for a while it was totally worth it. After all it would serve the lower ranks right for thinking they could pull the wool over a captains eyes.
~End~
A/N: *Facedesk* And it appears Boris has been at the crack carrots again *Sighs* I just can't seem to be serious at all at them moment. But then again this was a whole lot of fun to write heh-heh. Juu-kun is such a devious bastard *Smirks*