Red Eggs and Ham
Author's notes: Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. This was written in a moment of 100% pure inane stupidity. No sugar. No caffine. No avoiding my algebra homework even. I have no excuses. And the only reason I categorized this under 'humor' is because they don't have a genre for stupidity. This whole thing is going to completely tarnish my fanfiction.net reputation, but tough. I'm writing it anyway. I know this idea is going to bounce around in my head and annoy me until I write it, so here goes. Stupid. ::pause:: Have you ever *really* looked at those things on Neffy's shoulders??
Disclaimer: I don't own Sailormoon, and frankly, I wish I could say I didn't own this fic either.
So.............Nephrite was sitting his mansion drinking brandy. Although why the bottle was labeled "Lemonade" was a mystery to him.
-I apologize for the obscure joke and reference, just in case you didn't get it. I don't want to be obscure.
All of a sudden, a small, very odd-looking (supposed) boy appeared in a swirl of sakura leaves.....petals......whatever. He was holding a plate with some red eggs and ham in one hand and a large sign in the other. The sign read, "I am Sam I Am."
"I am Sam I Am,"said the supposed boy.
-He was a supposed boy simply because no one could really tell what he was since he didn't seem to have a species. I wasn't obscure in that sentence, was I?
Nephrite raised an eyebrow. The boy...
-I'm just gonna call him a boy from now on, cuz it's easier. Don't want to be obscure now.
....threw down the sign and held up the plate.
"Would you eat red eggs and ham?"
"No, I would not eat them, Sam I Am."
"Would you prefer them with some Spam?" Sam I Am produces a can of Spam.
"No, I wouldn't prefer them with some Spam. I will not eat red eggs and ham."
"Would you eat them with a spoon? How about with Sailormoon?" he pulls out a spoon and a 5" by 10" glossy of the odangoed one.
"I wouldn't eat them with a spoon and most certainly not with Sailormoon!! I will not eat red eggs and ham, I will not eat them Sam I Am." He pauses, then looks around. "Okay, who's making me rhyme all the time?" He begins to fume. "Stop this rhyme before I get my slime!!!" He sweatdrops appropriately.
"Would you eat them with a fork? Would you eat them with Mork from Ork?"he pulls out a fork and a photo of Robin Williams. Nephrite is silent for fear of rhyming, causing Sam I Am to start suggesting a slew of other things. "Would you eat them in someplace that's not here? Would you eat them with some beer? Would you eat them while reading a book? Will you eat them with Captain Hook? Will you eat them with some bread? How about when you're dead? Would you eat them with milk and cookies? Will you with some baseball rookies? Would you eat them with a bad monkey? How about if John Travolta's getting down and funky? Would you eat them if you could fly? Will you eat them with a pie? Would you eat them in a girdle? Will you eat them with this girl named Myrtle?" Nephrite screamed out loud, cutting the boy off.
"I will not eat them in a girdle, I will not with a girl named Myrtle. I wouldn't eat them if I could fly, I wouldn't eat them with a pie, I wouldn't eat them with a bad monkey, I wouldn't eat them if John Travolta was getting down and funky. I wouldn't eat them with milk and cookies, and not with some baseball rookies. I will not eat them with some bread, and how could I eat them if I was dead?!? I will not eat them while reading a book, and I don't even know Captain Hook!!! I wouldn't eat them in someplace that is not here, I wouldn't---well, I *might* eat them with some beer. I will not eat them with a fork and I won't eat them with any Mork from Ork. I won't eat them with a spoon and I will *never* eat them with Sailormoon!!!! I don't prefer them with some Spam, I will not eat red eggs and ham, I will not eat them Sam I Am!!!!!" Nephrite's face turns completely red and steam starts coming out of his ears. He looks up at the sky. "Who is controlling this rhyming hell?!?!? I like Chanel." He screams in anger. "You're going to make me rhyme even when it doesn't make sense!! Look, I have a sixpence! Dammit!!!!!"
Elsewhere, Zoisite bursts into spontaneous fits of laughter.
-The Zoisite thing wasn't obscure, was it?
*I'm sorry. I really am. Flame me, go ahead, I deserve it for writing something this evil. And stupid. I'm sorry. I don't think I can say that enough.*