Selfishness, a hunger games fanfic

"Tell me I'm selfish! Tell me you could never be with me! Tell me you could never love someone so selfish because you know I'd change everything, everything we've fought for, just to see her face again." But despite my protests, Gale does not move.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

The ending's changed. Katniss went back to Twelve with Haymitch but Gale didn't go to Two. Instead, he goes where he is most needed.

Selfishness._

I saw them arrive in the square yesterday. The entire family; Hazelle, Posy, Rory, Vick. And Gale was there, too. Newly found freedom had taken its toll on them, particularly Posy, who was skipping around in a pink frock, and their arms filled with food. Food we used to gather because we had too. We were needed back then. As Gale swoops down to pick Posy up in his arms, I see he is still needed as she giggles. But I'm not needed by anyone. Even my own mother couldn't stand to look at me.

Instead of facing them, I ran. I ran because losing Prim has made a coward of me. Any sign of conflict or danger and I am gone. I think I have proved to myself more than anyone that in danger, my carelessness takes over. That's how Peeta was captured, how Finnick was killed, how everyone in Panem ended up depending on me to do something I was not nearly mature enough to do. It's how I lost my little sister.

My feet led me back home that night, late, for fear that they might have dropped in to pay a visit. Gale would know that right now I am not nearly ready to face anyone from my old life but Hazelle, with such a kind heart would like to see an old friend. But the Girl on Fire has gone. All that is left in her place is a snivelling wreck of a girl.

I did not sleep in my bed but I came in and curled myself up on the floor of the sitting room, lying on my side with my arms wrapped around my knees. Just like I did when I had been stung by the Tracker-Jackers. But this pain is not going to leave and I know that no amount of remedies or medicines will cure it. Prim has left a hole in my heart, like a black-hole that will just continue sucking feeling and love out of my life. Besides, I didn't fully love anyone but Prim. Peeta was questionable but my Peeta has gone and no amount of remedies or medicines will return him to me. My nightmares return and I can't rid myself of them.

Of course, Gale is no coward. I should've known that he would never avoid a problem like I am. I must be a problem. I am not his best friend anymore. I am nothing to myself but as door is knocked on, Greasy Sae answers it because I don't answer the door anymore, or pick up the phone.

It's not Hazelle like I thought. It's Gale, like I knew it would be sooner or later and as he enters the kitchen, his hands are by his side and his face shows no sign of normality. The change has affected us both. Greasy Sae excuses herself from the room and shuts the door quietly as she leaves. For once, I feel nervous around my best friend. As he walks clearly towards me, I'm not sure what to say. Do I blame him?

The answers are fuzzy in my head but ultimately I know what the answer should be.

"I blame myself more than anyone." I say blankly, the emotion already leaving my body, causing me to flinch somewhat. As I look up, I find his eyes gazing into mine, uncertainty tainting both our thoughts.

The silence around us is deafening. I blink and turn to the ground.

"I didn't come to ask for forgiveness." He states, his voice only ever so slightly louder than a whisper and I'm about to hurl some unforgivable insult but he cuts me off before I can.

"I have no right to expect it."

I meet his eyes again and I suppose he's waiting for me to reply, waiting for me to reject this obvious sign but my breath leaves me. Speech is something I have not been capable of since Prim died, at least not properly. My hands curl into fists but then they loosen again.

He continues.

"Mum, Rory, Vick and Posy are leaving tomorrow."

I look up.

"Where?" I croak.

He gently places a hand in his trouser pocket.

"Eight," he replies, "She didn't want to stay here, now that she has a chance to leave. She doesn't want to go to Capitol, either and they're hiring like mad."

More than anything else, I resent the fact that a woman like Hazelle could just push the past behind her, unlike my mother, unlike me. Her stomach swollen as she waits for her eldest son to receive the medal, she was braver than my mother, who could barely lift herself from her bed, despite Prim's pleas. My grip on my fingers loosen in thought of one particular memory of me watching as my sister desperately cried for my mother to get up but my mother just stared at her blankly. I waited like that for at least a minute before sweeping Prim under my arm and wiping her tears, whilst glaring at the wreck that lay on the bed. For a second, I saw a glimmer of something in her eyes but then it died like a spark. The memory of Prim's warmth under me will haunt me forever now.

"You?" I mumble.

He brings a hand to his forehead and pushes back a piece of hair that blocks his eyes from me.

"I'm planning on staying."

I look at the table.

"I wasn't. The further I could get from this place, the better. There's nothing waiting for me here now."

"Peeta ...didn't come then?"

The question is not referring to our romance but in fact to Peeta as the mutant the Capitol created. Not my Peeta. My Peeta died, alongside me and my sister.

"I don't know where he is. He's not here. He's dead." My voice returns and as I say the last line, confusion sweeps across Gale's face.

"What?" His voice shows a little bit of concern, but it's for my sake rather than Peeta's.

"He died. The Capitol killed him. You saw what they created out of him."

He moves to the other side of table and sits awkwardly.

"I could...find him. Bring him back. You could...bring him back again." He manages but I shake my head quickly.

"No. No. People don't return from the dead, if they did..." I grit my teeth but it doesn't stop the tear. The single tear, delicate as my little Prim to be destroyed by the single touch of a hand. I let it fall to the table, watching it land and staring at it afterwards.

"Katniss..."He tries and I look up immediately.

"You only used to call me that if you were being serious. I don't want to be Katniss anymore. Katniss is dead."

He breathes and I envy him. If only life were just like breathing for me.

"Katniss..." He tries again.

"No! That's...not me!"

He bites his lip gently, and I can tell that he is pondering what to do next. I am not making this easy for him but I've never made anyone else's life easier than my own and look how that turned out.

"Catnip." He says and I don't reject this.

"He might still be there." He reasons but I shake my head violently again.

"No," I say, "No, the only one who hasn't changed is..."

"You?" He guesses.

"No. You. You're still Gale. You still look like Gale. You still smell like Gale. You still sound like Gale. You're...still Gale."

He nods slowly.

"Yes. And I always will be. And I won't leave unless you want me to."

"Peeta said he'd always love me. He can't love me if he's dead."

Another tear falls and he moves his chair and sits beside me. I feel the warmth of his skin press against my leg. I close my eyes.

"You don't love me." I whisper.

"I do, Catnip."

I shake my head.

"No one could love me. I'm a mess! I'm a selfish mess."

His sigh takes me by surprise. His tolerance never used to be this good, normally Gale would be before me to start an argument. The last time I argued was during the committee, deciding the fate of children, all of which will die apart from one, who'll wish that they too were dead.

"You're not selfish."

The tears stream down my face.

"Do it." I mutter.

He places a hand on my shoulder and I don't shrug it off.

"No."

I lurch forward, my head slumping as another attack of emotion consumes me, as though I can no longer feel. To feel what I used to feel would be magical to me now. But that feeling would only come to people I love. Feelings I will never feel again left me and I am empty. To feel again, I would do anything. He pulls my head up from the table and he moves backward slightly as I whip my head around. His face is filled with concern.

"Catnip..."

He is broken off as I place both my hands on either side of his face and I pull him down to kiss me, desperate for any kind of feeling other than this sickening emptiness.

His instinct is to pull back but I hold on tightly, refusing to let go until I feel again. I press my lips forcefully on his again, and I keep them there until his hands push against my chair and he pulls away.

"Don't..you don't know what..." He tries but I place my hands at the back of his head and lift myself onto him, taking advantage of the fact that his mouth is open from talking. My desperation fills me as I search for the feeling and with a start I feel a tiny spark as he presses his hand on my shoulder again. I realise that it's to push me off, but I cling to his head, forcing myself on him. I need this. I need him to kiss me back. I break away from the kiss but I don't get off him. Instead my cold eyes meet with his.

"What are you doing?" He whispers, as my tears fall to his face. He wants me to stop? No, he wants me to mean it.

"I'm kissing you. And you're not kissing me." I say bluntly, as if my desperation is obvious. It must be.

He looks like I've grown three heads.

"What?"

I kiss him again, eliminating the space between us and I push myself further, I feel him push in too but it isn't enough.

"Kiss." I mumble.

And the kiss he gives me is exhilarating.

He breaks away first.

"No, please." I start but he pauses.

"You're not ready." He says flatly.

I edge back slightly.

"We've...we can't hurt each other again, Catnip. We can't do that again."

He's being reasonable but I need that feeling again. Already, my hands have started trembling in memory of Prim and I want it all to go away. I want it to leave me alone. I want nothing from life if it's just pain.

"I can't go without this." I manage.

"What?" He asks.

"It...it hurts so much." My head lands on his shoulder and my tears run down his back. He rubs my back as I cry on him, emptying my feelings with each tear.

"Please." I beg.

He presses his lips against mine softly and I tremble within his grasp. Only now do I realise just how weak I have become. My strength has left. I need Gale's kisses to survive.

I press harder, allowing my hands to roam wherever they please and he doesn't stop me. Nor do I stop him.

"Stop," He replies after a few minutes of kissing, "You're too tired for this. You need rest." He points upstairs and I shake my head.

"I can't sleep anymore. Not with this. Please, come with me."

"No. I can't...do that."

"Just stay with me until I fall asleep. Please. The dreams. I can't handle this... I."

He kisses me on the cheek and bundles me into his arms like a little doll. I press my face into his neck, feeling the stubble against my nose and I kiss his neck.

He carries me until we reach the bed and the he places me gently on the covers. He steps backwards but I claw at his wrists.

"Promise." I whisper and shivers crack my back, He nods.

I pull and he lies beside me, arms around my waist.

"Go to sleep." He says and I close my eyes.

I see Prim, and she looks beautiful as ever, bonding towards me, as I grasp Gale's hand.

Only when I wake, do I realise how tightly I have been holding and as I let go, I feel deprived. I grasp it again and force my head onto his chest, feeling the rhythm of his steady heart beat, breathing him in.

"Gale?" I whisper. He doesn't answer so I punch his shoulder.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

He opens his eyes and I don't get to see his reaction because I lean over to kiss him and I hold so tightly, that nothing could make me let go.

Love it? Hate it? Give me any advice you like.

LF xoxo